


Opposites Do Not Attract

by aweirdkindofyellow



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: F/M, High School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2020-06-02 18:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 68
Words: 154,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19446706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aweirdkindofyellow/pseuds/aweirdkindofyellow
Summary: Ash Collins and Alex and his friends are complete opposites. After joining an exchange program of her school in Germany, she is sent to Dulaney High School. Her host family is the one and only Gaskarth family. How will Ash, a girl who's never done anything daring or against the rules, deal with the one and only Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Rian Dawson, and Zack Merrick? Will she change her norms and be as ruthless as them, or will she make them become more sensible? All Ash knows is that she is slowly being driven crazy.I have already finished writing this story, but I'm posting all the chapters now. It might take a while.





	1. The Beginning

**Ash’s POV**

Planes. They were like my second home. Ever since I was a little baby my family had traveled a lot. I had been on every continent, in countless of countries. My family was just privileged to have that luxury, or really any luxury we wanted. Which was why I was in America, Baltimore to be exact.

Before I get into all this, I’ll give you some back story. I’ll start with my family. It was just me, my dad, and my three younger brothers. My dad had started his own company years before, and it was doing very well. This caused us to move to Germany was I was 4 years old and none of my brothers were even born yet. When I was 10 years old, and my youngest brother was just a mere 1 year old, my mom died. Coronary Artery Disease, in case you were wondering. It would only have been logical for me to have to take care of all my brothers, but somehow my dad managed to make it work without taking my or my brothers’ childhood away. Of course, we did mourn for some time, but we realized that being in a constant sad state wasn’t going to help us. My dad went to work every day, but he was always there to bring us to school, to pick us up from school, and to play with us. He didn’t seem stressed at all. I guess we were just really lucky.

Now, why was I in Baltimore? Well, my school in Germany had an exchange program, and me being me decided to sign up. We had to write a motivation letter about why we wanted to go, and I did just that. The school board like my letter and I was allowed to go, just like several other students who had applied for other countries. At first, I was skeptical to go, but my dad encouraged me to go. He told me it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that I would regret it if I didn’t go. I didn’t want to leave my dad alone, but he kept insisting. So, the next day I went to school and handed in my final decision. I was going to go.

I just realized I totally forgot to tell you who I am. My name is Ash Collins, I’m 17 years old and originally British (I only have a slight accent that comes back after I have spent a lot of time with my dad). I’m fluent in English and German and love to play the piano. My hair is pretty long, straight, and a boring blondish-brown color, it really depends on the light and how you want to interpret it. I’m just your average girl. To say the least, I’m pretty boring.

Now, here I was, with four suitcases, which my dad made me pack, in a strange airport, only knowing my guest family from an email that was sent to me with a photograph and their names. Apparently, they had a son who was the same age as me, which was going to be pretty eventful. I never had a boyfriend, nor even came close to being asked out for that matter. My intention was to keep it that way while I was here. I was here for just a couple of months. The only guys I needed in my life were my brothers and my dad.

I walked out of the sliding doors and looked around the many faces, hoping to recognize one. My eyes settled on a family, they looked like the one from the email, so I walked up to them. The mom looked back at me and waved, letting me know I was heading the right way. She immediately went for a hug, which I was totally not accustomed to. Everything in Germany was so formal.

“You must be Ash,” she grinned, “I’m Isobel, this is Peter, and that’s Alex.”

She pointed at the father and a boy with long brown hair that covered his entire forehead. To top it off, he was wearing a beany. He had a completely different style to mine; skinny jeans, a shirt that looked like it belonged to some band, and some sneakers. Let’s just say I was a goody two shoes and a daddy’s girl. Sure, I didn’t look at my best right now, but I only wore neat things. This guy looked like he didn’t care about school or anything at all, while I cared about my grades and had already been asked to join Juilliard without auditioning. He was the complete opposite of me.

“Umm, yeah, that’s me,” I awkwardly said and didn’t know where to look. The weird fast food place on the other side looked pretty interesting to look at.

“Would you like some help with your bags?” Peter asked me and already reached out for the largest one.

“Sure, if you don’t mind. I originally only had two suitcases that weren’t completely filled, but my dad walked in and somehow insisted I brought all this.”

“It’s ok, we can all take one, right, Alex?”

“Uh, yeah, whatever,” he took also one of my bags and flipped his hair. My assumptions were right. He didn’t care about jack shit-- Oh my god. I just said a swear word. It was just in my head, it was fine.

We started walking to where I guessed they parked the car. Alex trailed back with me, “I’m sorry about my parents, they are kind of lame…”

I shrugged and looked at the couple, “I like them so far.”

“Wait ‘til we have dinner, they will bore the fucking shit out of you.”

I cringed as his language choice, “please don’t say that.”

“Say what?” He smirked, “fucking shit?”

“Yeah.”

“Fucking shit, fucking shit, fucking shit, fucking shit. Fucking. Shit. Fucking. Shit. Shit, fuck, shitting fuck.”

I certainly didn’t like this guy at all. He annoyed me worse than my brothers could, and I had only known him for a couple of minutes. How was I ever going to survive four months sharing a house with him? Something about him told me he wasn’t going to leave me alone anytime soon.

\----

I had helped Isobel with making dinner. An hour or so after we had arrived at the nice suburban house, three guys came over and they disappeared somewhere with Alex. I honestly didn’t care, it just meant I didn’t have to listen to him come into the room they had gracefully given me, and listen as he always said a couple of swear words.

I got the table ready for seven people. Isobel had told me that the other three guys were staying over for dinner, so we had to make enough food for them as well. I only had one teenage brother, but I knew how much he could eat, I could only imagine how much four boys in their late teenage years could eat.

“Oh, honey, you didn’t have to do that,” Isobel put a hand on my shoulder as I filled the last glass with water, “I could have done it. You’ve done so much already.”

“It’s no problem,” I told her as I placed the jug at one end of the table, “I always do it at home, it’s not extra work for me. I actually enjoy doing it.”

“Well, would you mind calling the boys while I put the food on the table?”

“No problem.”

I went down to the basement and heard loud music playing and people talking. This was totally different from my family, with exception to the occasional sounds of my brothers playing games, the house was completely silent. I knocked on the door a couple of times before opening it. The four guys were sitting on an old couch, playing video games.

I cleared my throat and opened the door a little more, “Umm, hey. Alex, your mom asked me to call you for dinner.”

All their heads turned to me and stared. They all looked and didn’t say anything. It was starting to creep me out. A guy with long black hair and weird blonde streaks that were placed at random intervals looked right in my eyes and his mouth dropped open. The other two didn’t stare at me as intently, but still didn’t take their eyes off me until Alex responded.

“Ok,” he nodded, but didn’t move and looked at his friends.

“So, umm, yeah…” Only when I started walking did they follow me.

We all went upstairs together and I waited until everybody took their seat before I sat down. I didn’t want to sit in somebody else’s place; I knew how protective my brothers could be about the chair they always sat on, I didn’t want to see how these guys would react to it.

They all put heaps of spaghetti on their plates and covered it with sauce, making me feel like throwing up. I couldn’t even eat half of what they ate, and I ate normal portions. As soon as one of them started eating, so did the others. They didn’t even wait ‘til Isobel and Peter had food on their plates. This family was so weird, we always waited until everybody had food before digging in.

“Oh my god, this is so fucking good,” a guy with short hair, nearly shaved bald, groaned.

“I agree, Rian,” the boy with the skunk hair said and stood up to high five the kid whose name I now knew was Rian.

“This really is good,” the buff one of the group said a lot more politely and looked at Alex’s mom.

“Oh, don’t look at me,” Isobel chuckled, “Ash, here, made the food. You have to thank her.”

“Can we keep her?” Alex asked with a mouth full of food, making me wince.

“I’m supposed to stay for four months, so you’re lucky,” I told him as civilized as possible while he stuffed his mouth even more.

“Who taught you to cook so well?” Peter asked after taking a sip of water.

“My mum did. She was half Italian, so she taught me a lot from a very young age. I cook three times a week at home, my dad takes the other four days. I enjoy doing it,” I explained.

“What about your mom? When does she cook?” Alex scooped more spaghetti onto his fork and watched it with a drooling mouth.

“Umm, she died seven years ago, so my dad and I do everything.”

Alex froze and looked up at me, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t--”

“It’s ok,” I waved it off, “I don’t let it affect me too much. We were sad for a while, but she had a good life, now we have to continue ours.”

The whole table stayed quiet for a while after that. All of the boys seemed a bit taken back after I said that my mom had died, as if they were afraid to hurt me by saying anything else. Why did people always think it was a difficult and hard subject for me? I honestly didn’t mind talking about it. Rather than being upset about her death, my family always celebrated her life. Mourning forever wasn’t going to do any good.

Isobel suddenly broke the silence I was enjoying so much, “so, Ash, what are your plans for the future?”

“Umm, I’d like to go to Juilliard,” I nodded at her.

“Juilliard! That’s like impossible to get in. Good luck with that!” Alex exclaimed with a snort. He certainly wasn’t sorry for what he said before anymore.

“Alex!” Isobel scolded and glared at him.

“They have been following me since I was seven years old. I already got accepted without applying,” I tried to tell them without sounding too annoyed.

Alex choked on his food, making me feel satisfied. I didn’t care if it was because he was shocked or because he honestly choked, it was nice to see him suffer. I really didn’t like him so far.

After another silence, Rian spoke up, “Is Ash short for Ashley?”

I shook my head, having already finished my dinner while the others were still eating, “no, it’s just Ash. It’s on my birth certificate, passport, and ID. Teachers always have this urge to call me Ashley, which get’s me pretty annoyed. I’m definitely not an Ashley.”

They all nodded and I took this chance to get to know all their names, “I don’t even know your names.”

“I’m Jack, and you’re hot,” weird highlights boy said bluntly. I gave him a weird look, but shook it off.

“Rian,” the guy whose name I already knew introduced before pointing at the last boy, “and that’s Zack.”

“I could have introduced myself, but thanks,” Zack rolled his eyes.

These guys were really weird. I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive a full semester with them. This was not going to go well.

“I just remembered that I forgot to tell my dad that I’m here, do you mind if I text him real quick?” I asked, remembering how my dad kept telling me to call or text him when I landed.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Isobel excused me, “Alex often texts during dinner, even though we tell him to stop and try to take the phone away from him.”

“Not true!” Alex argued.

“Very true,” Rian countered, causing Alex to sigh and slouch in his seat.

I quickly texted my dad before getting a facetime call back. What was he doing up? I looked at Isobel, “do you mind if I answer?”

“No, go ahead,” she told me, “would you like some privacy?”

“It’s fine.”

I answered the call and saw my youngest brother’s face appear in the darkness, “Hey, Ash.”

“Are you out looking for ghosts again, Charley? You know you should be in bed, right?”

“I know, but look at this.”

He turned the camera to show the big grandfather’s clock we had in the hall.

“It’s the clock, so what?”

“No! Look at that!” He pointed at a tiny scratch that I could only faintly see with all the noise going on in the image.

“It’s a scratch--”

“Made by a ghost!”

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose, looking up to see everybody snickering.

“No, Charley, that’s from when Jaxon stole Kayden’s chair and ran into the clock,” I said thinking about the time my oldest brother was running around the house to annoy my second oldest brother.

“Ugh, fine,” he walked over to something before stopping and putting the phone down.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, what’s this? La Valse by a guy called Maurice Ravel?”

“Don’t you dare, you’re going to wake everybody up--”

He started banging on all the piano keys ‘trying’ to play the 12-minutes-long piano piece. It sounded horrible and I was afraid he was going the break the grand piano my parents had gotten me when I just started playing.

The light turned on and Charley froze before I heard my dad’s voice, “if you’re going to play the piano at 1 am, make sure you play something creepy that will scare everyone.”

“I’m sorry, Ash, I have to go,” he hung up before I could reply.

“That was not my fault,” I put my phone away.

“That was totally your fault,” Alex smirked.

I just wanted to punch him right there and then.


	2. Two Assholes

**Alex’s POV**

The exchange student from Germany was absolutely beautiful, but it seemed like she didn’t realize. Yes, I had been a complete dick towards her, but I didn’t know how else to act. She was, like, my complete opposite. I only cared about the band and punk music, but here she was, showing off that she was going to go to Juilliard. Juilliard for fuck’s sake! They have, like, a 6% acceptance rate. I couldn’t compete with that. She was a perfect human being and I totally wasn’t. I mean, look at me. Where was I going to go? Tour in a band for a couple of months before we all get bored and live a miserable life?

And her smile. Oh my god. It was, like, perfect. Everything about her was so fuckable. I would totally do her if it weren’t for the fact that she annoyed the shit out of me. Here I was, expecting to have to share my bathroom with some crazy-ass German chick, but no. Ash had to come with her perfect waist, boobs, and butt. It was just, like, ugh, definitely masturbating material. Speaking of which, I was totally doing it right now. My parents were out and I found her Instagram profile. She had fucking bikini pictures on there! How could I resist! I’m a teenage boy, which normal teenage boy doesn’t do it? It wasn’t my fault that--

The door to my bedroom opened and I made eye contact with her. I tried to cover myself up, but failed miserably. There was nothing around me that I could throw over myself and my boxers were at my ankles. What does a boy have to do to masturbate in peace around here?

“Get the _fuck_ out!” I screamed, but she managed to run out and slam the door behind her before I could even open my mouth.

“It’s ok, I have a 13-year-old brother. I’m not judging,” she shouted back through the door.

“Fucking leave!”

“Sorry.”

If you thought that would get me out of the mood, it totally didn’t. I kept going, looking through her photos until I finished off and wiped everything clean. She had only been here for a couple of days and she already walked in on me, something I hoped would never happen over the course of the four months she was staying. How often was it going to happen? Maybe I would catch her in the moment at some point, if you know what I mean. A couple more mental images to keep for later.

I quickly pulled up my boxers and put on some skinny jeans before walking out and going to what was now her bedroom. She was looking around in her suitcase, her butt in plain view. Hot damn, it was perfect. I quickly struck a ‘casual’ pose, which consisted of me leaning against her doorpost with one hand at my head level and the other on my hip, when she turned around.

“What you doing?” I asked her, my voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.

She pulled something out and started talking to me, but I drifted off. How many dicks had she had inside of her? She was definitely pretty enough to have fucked all the boys at her old school, no matter how big the school was. Being a boy myself, I definitely knew that they wouldn’t have been able to keep their hands off of her. She was so fucking hot.

Ash snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Earth calling Alex! I was telling you why I went into your room in the first place, but you seem to still be thinking about whatever you were looking at in there.”

“Oh, umm, uhh…” I stuttered and looked at her appealing facial features.

“Have you washed your hands?”

Why the fuck was she so casual about this? She was supposed to be uncomfortable and awkwardly push me out of her room, not ask me whether or not I washed my hands. She was seriously fucked up. The only reason I would want her to stay here is because she was hot. Imagination sometimes worked the best.

“Oh, umm, no, I’ll go, uh, do that then,” I walked out of the room and quickly washed my hands. never had I ever had somebody say that to me. But then again, nobody had ever walked in on me before, except for Jack, but we were seriously drunk that one time and didn’t give a shit.

When I went back to Ash’s room I saw her rolling out the poster she had taken out of her suitcase when I was still daydreaming about her.

“Do you, umm, still need help?” I awkwardly fumbled with my fingers.

“Yeah, I want to hang this up, can you help me put it up straight?” she walked up to the empty patch of wall she wanted to hang it up, right next to the window.

“Umm, yeah,” I took one of the sides and helped stick it up with some tape before looking at what was actually on the poster. It was a map. Some of the countries were blank, but most of them were colored in in several colors.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“If you would have listened instead of thinking about porn, you would have known,” she rolled her eyes and got a purple pencil from her backpack, “I color in every country I’ve been to. America is split up in states, so that’s pretty cool. Now I can add Maryland.”

I laughed at her pronunciation, “it’s Maryland, as in Mair-uh-lund, not Mary-land.”

She glared at me and I raised my hands up in defense before pointing out, “you’ve been to a lot of places.”

“Yep,” she started working on the small state, “my mom got me this when I was six. By the time I was 10, nearly half of it was already full.”

“That’s awesome. I want to travel the world.”

“It’s pretty fun, I was just lucky enough to have parents that were able to pay for everything.”

“Yeah… Anyway, what’s up with your accent?” I leaned against the wall, “you came from Germany, but you don’t sound or look German, and you speak English with your family.”

“That’s because I’m originally British,” she put the pencil back, “we moved when I was four. My dad’s British, so I keep my half-British accent from him, but I don’t sound too English because of my 13 years in Germany. I’m still known as the ‘British Kid’ in my school, even though I’ve been at the school longer than most of them.”

“Ahh, makes sense. I’m going to call you the European Chick. That sounds right,” I smirked and walked out of her room. Her story was very interesting, but I had to keep my reputation up. I couldn’t just stop being a dick to her.

\----  
 **Ash’s POV**

I watched as Alex left. He was so confusing. People always say girls are confusing, but Alex Gaskarth was a prime example of guys being messed up as well. One moment he would be so annoying and the next we would have a normal civilized conversation before he started making fun of me again. He definitely thought he was a lot cooler than he actually was.

I was broken out of my trance by obscure objects hitting my window. Before the window could break, I walked over to it and opened it, just to be hit with a pebble in my face. Jack was standing on the sidewalk and grinned when he saw me. I rolled my eyes, grabbed the rock from my floor and threw it at him as hard as I could. He screamed and jumped like a scared girl.

“Alex, your boyfriend is here throwing stones at my window!” I yelled inside.

Moments later he showed up, “boyfriend? I’m not gay, I don’t have a-- Jack, what are you doing here? You know the door’s open.”

“I’m not here for you, you dipshit, I’m here for her,” Jack shouted back at him.

“You’re here for me?” I pointed at myself and squinted my eyes.

“Yeah.” He grinned like a fool as he rocked back and forth on his toes.

“You will only be here for me when you’ve learned Romeo’s speech to Juliet at the balcony by heart, recite it to me, and climb up the side of this house. Until then, you’re only here for Alex.” With that, I closed the window and saw Jack stomp his foot before walking inside.

“Alex, I’m here to hang out with you!” He closed the door and went up the stairs.

“No, you’re not." Alex shook his head but still took him to his room.

There was no way I was going to let Jack act like that around me. I wasn’t here to find a boyfriend or have a one night stand, I was here for experience and school. The only way to get rid of him would be to give him an impossible task. Shakespeare was already difficult to learn by heart, for someone like Jack it would be impossible.

I looked around and my eyes settled on a pile of clothes. I had accumulated quite a bit of laundry already for the couple of days I had been staying here. With nothing else to do, I collected it and went to put it in the washing machine, when I walked past Alex’s room and decided to knock to check whether he also had any laundry. They called me in and I opened the door.

“I just wanted to see if you had any laundry you needed washed.” I nodded at Alex, trying to ignore the awkward vibe surrounding us.

“Umm, yeah, it’s over there.” He pointed at a basket not far away from where I was standing.

I put my clothes in it as well and picked up everything, now having an easier way to transport it. I went to walk out when Jack stopped me.

“Is that a bra I see?” He smirked and reached into the heap of clothes.

I slapped his hand away and blushed. There was no way I needed them seeing my underwear.

“So, how’s your summer vacation be so far?” He winked and leaned back slowly, acting like he was all slick.

“The only thing keeping me sane is my eight-year-old brother calling me about ghosts he found that are obviously not there. What do you think?” I scoffed. Maybe going home wasn’t a bad idea right now.

“You know, my parents aren’t home right now. You could always come over, and we could have some fun, if you know what I mean.”

Alex burst out laughing while Jack raised his eyebrows at me and licked his lips. These guys really were the worst.

“You are either a pathetic virgin or way too full of yourself. I’m guessing both,” I retorted.

Alex started hollering and chanting ‘fight’.

“I would know whether or not I’m a virgin, darling. You could ask the girl that came over last night, or the one before that, or before that.”

“Oh, so you’re one of those guys. You know, makes a girl feel special for a day so they will sleep with you, but deep down inside you know you will never find love. You’re just a lonely guy who thinks having sex will make them feel slightly happier. But at the end of the day you know you’re worthless and just have another girl to add to your book of girls you have slept with.”

“Come on, babe, you know it’s not true. Come over here and I’ll show you.” Jack was practically undressing me with his eyes.

I felt disgusted and cheap. Never had I ever talked like that. My tactic used to be to ignore and walk away, and here I was, talking back to someone who didn’t even care. I walked out and slammed the door behind me, the sound echoing throughout the empty house. After finding the washing machines, I poured all the clothes in, not caring much about different colors. Tears clouded my vision as I poured in some soap before figuring out which setting to put it on. The white metal box started vibrating and I slid down the wall, holding out my hands to catch me before I hit the floor too hard. I folded my arms and rested my head on my knees, letting the tears fall freely, nobody was here to see me anyway. Or so I thought.

“Yo, Jack, you made her cry!” Alex said from the doorway.

Jack rushed out of Alex’s bedroom, “What!”

I started standing up and tried to push past them. “I don’t need you making fun of me crying.”

But they blocked the way and Alex ordered, “what’s wrong?”

I shook my head. Did they really not know? Wasn’t it obvious? This time I looked Jack right in the eye. “I haven’t cried since the day my mom died. Are you happy now!”

I managed to break free and locked myself in the bathroom. This was the only room I actually knew had a lock, I wasn’t going to risk running to my room and have them come in. And for the time being, I could just take a nice relaxing shower.

\----  
 **Alex’s POV**

I knocked on Ash’s door. I really felt bad about what Jack and I did to her, she didn’t deserve that. She was actually a nice girl and we just kept pushing her. Jack had already left and hour or so ago without saying sorry or even a goodbye to her. Even though he looked shocked after Ash said that she hadn’t cried in years, he didn’t seem fazed by it. It was like he didn’t even care that he made her cry. I, on the other hand, actually saw her pain. I didn’t know why she reacted like this, but she definitely didn’t like it. Girls normally liked it when talked like that around them.

“Come in,” a muffled voice said.

I entered the room and saw Ash sitting on the floor with her back against her bed, writing something on paper. Her hair was damp and her face was clear of any makeup she wore. She still looked amazing.

“Hey, umm,” I took a seat next to her without asking, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault that you guys are self-absorbed, it’s just how you are,” she kept writing, not taking her eyes off the paper.

Ouch. That actually hurt. I didn’t think I was that bad. Sure, I sometimes acted like a dick to hide my self-consciousness, but was I really overdoing it to make it seem like I was some asshole? I just meant to be funny, not to actually hurt somebody.

“No, I’m actually sorry. I didn’t mean to act like this towards you. It’s just, you are perfect, and well then there’s me. I didn’t actually mean to hurt your feelings.”

“I would say you didn’t hurt my feelings, but you actually did, so…”

This approach didn’t seem to work. I had annoyed her too much to make her think I was joking around again and wasn't actually giving her a genuine apology. Somehow I had to make her believe me. I wasn’t going to live with her if she felt like this about me.

“So, umm, what are you writing?” I tried a different method.

“A song.” She crossed something out with aggressive scribbles, still not looking up at me.

“What?! _No way,_ I write songs as well. Can I see?”

“I doubt you can read it.”

I was about to argue, but I was already given the pages and saw what she meant. This was actually sheet music with notes and a treble and bass clef. I never learned how to read this, but she actually knew how to write her own. This was fucking awesome.

“Yep, you’re right,” I nodded, “I can’t read this. I write lyrics and add chords and riffs, it’s different. It’s so awesome that you can do this, though! How do you know what sounds right?”

“I don’t,” she shrugged and took the pages back, “I started it at home with my piano, but here I don’t have anything. So, I just have to do with my imagination and knowledge.”

“Hmm… We have a thing that’s, like, a mix between an electric piano and a keyboard, downstairs. I tried learning how to play it, but gave up after a while. It’s not being used anymore. We can move up in here. I can only imagine how it must be torture without your instrument.”

“I’d like that, thank you.”

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” I crossed my fingers.

“I guess so, Alexander Gaskarth.” She smiled and went back to drawing music notes.


	3. Bimbo Number One and Bimbo Number Two

**Ash’s POV**  
  
I groaned as I searched my empty suitcase one last time. Of course, I was going to forget some of the most important things at home. I hadn’t unpacked them and they weren’t anywhere in any of my bags. How was I going to survive four months without them? I was certainly going to need them sometime soon, whether I liked it or not. This was so stupid.  
  
I carefully walked to Alex’s room and made sure to knock extra loud. Ever since the walking-in incident, I had made sure to make a lot of noise before entering. I swear, I did knock that time, but he probably didn’t hear. it was a normal thing to do, knocking that is, not the thing Alex was doing. Well, it was normal, but still. I just didn’t think about it anymore. It happened in the past.  
  
Instead of calling me in, Alex opened the door, “can I help you?”  
  
“You know how to drive a car, right?” I questioned before asking my main question.  
  
“Yeah… why?”  
  
“Could you drive me to a store. I left some stuff at home that I need.”  
  
“Yeah, sure.” He shuffled past me and started down the stairs, expecting me to follow him. That went a lot easier than I had expected. I thought I was going to have to beg him and convince him. Why was Alex being so nice to me suddenly? Just because he said sorry, didn’t mean he was going to change, right?  
  
“Mom, Ash and I are going to go out for a bit! She needs to get some stuff that she forgot to bring with her!” Alex shouted as he grabbed the car keys and hopped around to put on his shoes.  
  
Isobel walked into the hallway, “ok, do you need any money?”  
  
We stayed silent and I kneeled down to tie my shoelace.  
  
“She’s asking you, you doofus.” Alex tapped my shoulder.  
  
I looked up at Isobel and shook my head. “Oh, sorry. No thanks, I have my own money. My dad’s giving me way too much per week already.”  
  
“I might need some, though.” Alex tried to pull out the puppy dog eyes.  
  
“No, you’ve spent too much already this week,” Isobel scolded.  
  
“But _mom!”_  
  
“No.”  
  
“Please!”  
  
“No, Alex.”  
  
“You’re the best mother ever, and I love you so so so much,” Alex dramatized, “you are and always will be my favorite person ever in the whole wide world!”  
  
“Fine,” Isobel rolled her eyes and reached into her pocket, “you get ten dollars, but that’s all. You won’t get any more for the rest of the week.”  
  
“Thank you!” Alex skipped out of the door, into the sunny and hot weather. He unlocked the car and called for me to come in.  
  
I got into the passenger seat and put on my seat. This car was a lot different to the one they picked me up in. It was smaller and looked like it was only being used my Alex. There were punk CDs all over the place and some random clothes in the back seat. I did not want to know what had happened back there. Other than that, it was surprisingly clean.  
  
“Ok, so let’s go,” Alex turned on the ignition, “wait, where are we going?”  
  
“I don’t know, you’re the one who’s been living here most of their life.” I rolled my eyes.  
  
“Well, I meant what type of store, you shithead. What do you need to get?”  
  
 _Don’t say that. Just, please, watch your language around me!_  
  
“Girl stuff.”  
  
“Care to elaborate?”  
  
“Just go to a drugstore, I don’t know.”  
  
“You seem to not know a lot of things,” Alex commented and started driving.  
  
“You’re starting to get annoying again. You were doing so well,” I sighed and shifted my position.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
We continued down the many roads in silence. I had no idea where he was taking me, but it was pretty far away. Everything in America was so far away from each other. It was totally normal to drive for 3 hours just to go somewhere for an hour or so and still be in the same area here. In Germany you would have already entered several different towns and cities, maybe crossed the border three times, depending on where you lived, and have been annoyed about having to drive so far. This country was so weird.  
  
“Why are you wearing jeans?” Alex pointed at my legs. “It’s warm out, all the girls are wearing shorts.”  
  
“Because I’m wearing jeans?” I gave him an annoyed look.  
  
“Yeah, I get that, but why?”  
  
“Because I want to.”  
  
“But isn’t summer the time for girls to wear slutty clothes. You know, show off their bodily parts?”  
  
“Just shut your mouth, Alex,” I tried to say in a calm tone, “you’re not really doing well on the ‘I’m not going to annoy you anymore’ part.”  
  
“But--”  
  
“Zip it.”  
  
That got him to stop for a while. I was afraid he was going to start again, but we arrived before he could. He just didn’t understand the meaning of stopping and not talking. It was like he had short term memory problems.  
  
I didn’t bother to wait for him as I walked into the store; I was perfectly capable of entering and finding items myself. Alex was only going to follow me around and make fun of every item, whether I was going to buy them or not. He was too childish for the most simplest everyday products.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I watched as Ash walked into the store without even telling me she was already going to go. Fine. I didn’t give a fuck. I was trying to be fucking nice to her, but she didn’t fucking give a flying fuck. If that was how it was going to fucking be, I would be as fucking annoying as I wanted to fucking be.  
  
I locked the car and went into the store myself, not being able to find her anywhere. This was _so_ on. I ran through the aisles searching for the things I was looking for. It better annoy and embarrass her, or this would have been a waste of my time. I found the aisle full of condoms and chose five random packets before going out to look for Ash. She was standing somewhere studying different items. I sneaked past her and carefully threw the condoms into the basket she was holding. She didn’t even realize. This was definitely going to have her freak out.  
  
I decided to wait at the checkout counter so I could see first hand how she would react. I was going to get in so much shit for this. Two girls walked up to me. They looked exactly like the typical teenage girls I was talking about earlier: tops showing off their boobs and shorts that barely covered their ass. Basically perfect for guys like me.  
  
“Hey, Alex,” they purred.  
  
I put on a fake smile, I knew these girls. “Hey.”  
  
The one with obviously bleach blonde hair put her hand on my chest. “How come you haven’t called either of us back?”  
  
“I’ve just been very very busy." I nodded and cringed at her touching me.  
  
“You know, we could maybe have some fun, just us three, _together.”_ The other one ran her fingers through my hair.”  
  
“Ah, I’m sorry, girls. I’m still very busy.”  
  
“But Lexy-Poo!”  
  
“Hey, Alex, you ready?” Ash came to save the day. Her voice didn’t sound as fake as bimbo 1 and bimbo 2, which, for some reason, made me feel so relieved.  
  
“Yeah.” I shrugged the girls off, who looked Ash up and down before scoffing and stomping away.  
  
We both got into the cue and I couldn’t wait to see Ash finding the condoms. This was going to be awesome! We slowly inched forward until it was Ash’s turn. She put the basket on the metal in front of the belt and started unpacking the items.  
  
“I’m sorry for disappearing on you, I just didn’t want you around me when I was choosing this stuff. It’s kinda awkward,” Ash apologized and blushed.  
  
I looked at the items and saw an assortment of different things: makeup, tampons, disposable razors, and other things I couldn’t make out. Shit. I messed up.  
  
I quickly took the five boxes of condoms out of the basket and clumsily held them. “Um, these are mine.”  
  
She gave me a judgemental look; she knew exactly what I had planned to do. Now I had Ash mad and disgusted with me, 5 boxes of weird-ass condoms, and I had spent the last 10 dollars I was given for the week. It was only Wednesday! How was I going to survive the rest of the week before school with no money! Maybe I could get Ash to lend me some money, she had a debit card, so her dad was probably giving her enough money per week. But by the way she ignored me the entire way home, I knew it was a lost cause.  
  
 _Shit._


	4. The First Day

**Alex’s POV**  
  
My alarm clock went off. _Ugh_. Why the fuck did school start so early? I didn’t want to have to get up at 6:30am so I could get to school at 8am. Like, what the actual fuck. Who even cared about school anyway? Of course, Ash did. I got out of bed and sloppily walked downstairs, still in my pajamas. The first thing I actually saw was Ash sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, having a nice conversation and eating breakfast. She was already dressed and actually seemed awake. How the fuck was she awake right now? It might have had something to do with the fact that I stayed up ‘til 3am playing video games while she went to bed at 10:30pm. But I liked to think she was just some crazy morning person.  
  
“Morning,” Ash chirped.  
  
I groaned, “shut up.”  
  
“Alex!” my mom scolded. “Be nice to her!”  
  
I plastered on a fake smile and got myself a bowl of cereal. “Morning!”  
  
“You have to leave a bit earlier,” my mom told me the devastating news, “you already have your timetable, but Ash still has to go to the administration office. New students that aren’t freshmen have to go get them.”  
  
I sat down on a chair and started scooping the breakfast in my mouth. “Ugh, fine.”  
  
“I’m going to go get ready,” Ash put her bowl in the sink and ran upstairs.  
  
I continued eating while slowly falling asleep again. Every day I had been able to sleep until 1pm and now I had to wake up 7 hours earlier. What the fuck was this shit! I didn’t care about school anymore. I just knew that the band was going to take off, school didn’t matter at all. I didn’t need an education, I wasn’t planning on going to college anyway.  
  
“Alex, you’ve got to be nicer to her,” my mom carefully told me. “She doesn’t have any family or friends here, they are on the other side of the world. You’ve got to make her feel more welcome.”  
  
“I’m trying.” I raised my hands up in defense.  
  
“Clearly you’re not. Whenever I see her trying to talk to you, you seem to snap at her.”  
  
“She used to piss me off, but now I don’t know why I’m acting around her like this. I can’t help it.”  
  
I saw my mom smiling at me from the corner of my eye. She got up and put her hand on my shoulder. “You’ll figure it out.”  
  
She left and I scoffed. They always say opposites attract, but they definitely do not. Ash and I weren’t compatible, everything we did only resulted in one of us getting mad or annoyed. Our brains just didn’t work the same way. We would never be able to be friends.  
  
I sighed and put my bowl on top of the one already in the sink before going upstairs. If I was going to please my mom, I had to get ready now.  
  
I opened the door to the bathroom to see Ash putting on her makeup. She was concentrating on the mirror as she put some weird-ass small brush close to her eyelashes. I walked in, put the toilet seat up, pulled down my pants, and started taking a leak. This was my bathroom, I got to do whatever I wanted here.  
  
Ash stopped and briefly looked at me. “Umm, ok.”  
  
“What’s up?” I nodded at her.  
  
“Umm, nothing.”  
  
“Ok.” I finished off and pulled my pants up before flushing the toilet and walking out without saying another word.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
After my awkward encounter with Alex, he managed to get ready pretty quickly, his hair taking the longest. The encounter only seemed awkward for me though, it didn’t look awkward at all for Alex. He just walked in and walked out while I was left confused. I had my brothers do that to me before, but they were my brothers, not some random guy who was a couple of months older than I and somebody I had only know for a couple of weeks.  
  
We did, however, get to the administration office before it got too busy. I was in all of Alex’s classes, except one. Great. At least I didn’t have to be around him in AP calculus, that would have been a nightmare. I also got my locker code, my locker being, surprise surprise, next to Alex’s. What was this! I didn’t want to be around him every school day. This was going to be so annoying.  
  
We went to our lockers together and put in all the books we had already gotten a day prior. Alex was complaining about how many books we had, while I was surprised with how little we had. The books we always got in Germany were large and heavy. And we wouldn’t even use half of the books, but we were still expected to bring them to every class.  
  
Fortunately, Monday started off with music class. I didn’t know what we were going to do, but I did know that even my brain didn’t fully work on a Monday morning. Starting off with something to do with music sounded great. We entered the classroom, a few students already there and the teacher standing at the front, sorting something out on his desk. I looked around and saw many different instruments, my favorite being the grand piano.  
  
“Yo, Alex!” One of the students called out. “How’s your summer been!”  
  
“Good.” Alex waved back.  
  
This seemed to catch the teacher’s attention. “Alex, great to see you back. I hope you’ve written some songs over the vacation.”  
  
“Sure have." he shook the teacher’s hand, “Oh, this is Ash, she’s the exchange student.”  
  
The teacher looked at me and held out his hand for me to shake. “Hi, I’m Mr. Moore, but you can call me John. I don’t like the formal sound of Mr. Moore.”  
  
I shook his hand and smiled. He told me to sit next to Alex as I already knew him. Students started pouring in and soon the class was almost completely full, the exception being one seat next to me and a couple more scattered around the room. The bell rang and John started going through the attendance. Well, until he was interrupted by Jack running into the room.  
  
“Sorry I’m late,” Jack panted, “my car broke down.”  
  
“Come in, Jack, you’re only a minute late, it’s fine.” John motioned him to come in. In my school in Germany teachers would already go ballistic if you came in just a second before the bell rang. Now, don’t think all Germans are strict and mean, it was just the teachers I had. There were tons of other teachers who were a lot more patient, but they taught the standard classes.  
  
Jack looked around the classroom for a seat and his eyes settled on me, “awesome, Ash is in this class!”  
  
Everybody turned around to look at me and I groaned internally. Why Jack, Why! I didn’t want people to stare at me and ask me who I was. I was fine with being just another students who nobody cared about. Why did Jack have to be even worse than Alex? Couldn’t he just see that I didn’t want him around me? I wasn’t another one of his girls that couldn’t resist sleeping with him. He was just some weird guy who had skunk hair. Why did everybody think Alex and Jack were so cool?  
  
Jack hopped over and took the seat next to me and winked. “I’m excited to spend time with you in this class. Maybe we can meet after school some time as well.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and begged for John to start the class. Fortunately for me, he did.  
  
“Welcome back to Dulaney High, everybody!” He cheered in a mocking way. This was definitely going to be an awesome teacher. “As I know, you are all excited to be here. Luckily for you, you don’t start with math like some classes do. Now, as I’m obliged to say this, I hope you have a wonderful senior year! So, umm, as Jack has already screamed out, like always, we have a new student in the class. This is Ash, she’s an exchange student from Germany.”  
  
I heard a student snicker and make a Hitler mustache with their fingers while muttering 'Germany' under his breath. Some kids around him laughed along. But I was used to this kind of reaction. People only learned about the history and bad things Germans did. But most of them were ashamed of everything that had happened in the past. Other people just didn’t realize that.  
  
“And that is the type of reaction I do not want!” John pointed at the student who immediately stopped. “We are here for _music._ Everybody is equal in my class,” he then pointed at me, “you, do you play any instruments?”  
  
“Umm, yeah,” I pointed at the large black instrument behind me, “I play the piano.”  
  
“Would you like to show us what you can play to start off the class?”  
  
Everybody around me was looking at me expectantly. If I was going to play at Juilliard, I should be able to play in front of 23 other students. This wasn’t too difficult. But I was really nervous. My first class and I was already the center of attention. I did not like this.  
  
I slowly walked up to the piano and sat down, adjusting the stool so I was able to play freely, “umm, nobody is probably going to like this.”  
  
“It’s fine, just play,” John encouraged.  
  
I thought of a song that wasn’t too long so the others wouldn’t be bored. Nobody liked classical music anymore, especially teenagers. I liked it though, I had been playing it since I was 5. it was always around me and just made so much more sense than pop songs to me. This was actually difficult to create.  
  
I put my fingers down on the keys and took a deep breath. Hopefully, I wasn’t going to screw this up. It was a pretty fast song to play, but I had performed it so many times before. Everybody was staring at me and I only got to play six notes before I got interrupted by the same kid who made fun of me before.  
  
“Pfft, anybody can play that!” He exclaimed.  
  
“Stewart! Shut up and stop being an asshole!” John threw a board marker at him before smiling at me. “Go ahead.”  
  
Ok, this was it. I started from the beginning and let my fingers flow along with the music. They knew exactly which note to play and when, my brain didn’t even have to do any work. I didn’t care what everybody was thinking of me right now. It was just me and my music. This was my muse; probably the only reason I hadn’t had a mental breakdown. As cheesy as it sounds, it was my life.  
  
The song finished and I looked to see everybody gawking at me in silence. Was it that bad? I knew they wouldn’t like it. But suddenly Jack and Alex stood up and started cheering and clapping as loud as they could. This seemed to bring everybody out of their trance. I gave Jack and Alex a questioning look; I did not want them doing this. Why were they suddenly acting like they were my best friends when they literally made me cry only a couple of days ago.  
  
“That was amazing!” John clapped.  
  
I thanked him and shyly walked back to my seat. This was going to be the end of all the attention around me. But Alex didn’t let that happen.  
  
“She’s going to Juilliard next year!” He shouted out of nowhere.  
  
“Oh, is that so?” John asked me.  
  
But Alex answered before I could, “they’ve been wanting her to join since she was seven years old!”  
  
“Impressive. So, you’ve been accepted already.”  
  
“Umm… yeah…” I mumbled. I just wanted everybody to stop looking at me. This never happened at my old school. Why couldn’t they just stop!


	5. Infamous Art Class

**Alex’s POV**  
  
Ash had been assigned to sit next to me in every class. Yay…. _ugh_. No. I wanted to be able to sit with my friends, but no. Every teacher thought it would be a good idea to have us sit with each other since we already knew each other. But I really didn’t want to. Sure, she didn’t talk to me, but I didn’t want to have her around me the entire day!  
  
The last lesson we had before lunch was art. And once again, I had to take Ash up to the teacher and had to introduce them to each other. Once again, the teacher told her she could sit next to me. Great. I was about to slouch over to my seat when Ash spoke up.  
  
“Umm, actually, I’ve been seated next to him in every other class. I would like to meet some new people,” she asked as politely as possible.  
  
“Ok, sure,” the old female teacher smiled at her, “choose a free seat.”  
  
I light out a sigh of relief and went to my usual seat: a seat surrounded by all my friends. Ash looked around the room for a bit and started walking to an empty seat. I follow her with my eyes and saw where she was heading. Oh god, no. Not Lianne! She was the fucking weirdo shy kid nobody ever sat next to! Ash better fucking turn away now! Why was I allowing this to happen?! But Ash had already put her bag down on the floor and sat down. I saw her say hi to Lianne, causing her to look up from her drawing and smile back. After that Lianne kept drawing with a smile on her face. She never fucking smiled. What the actual fuck was going on!  
  
“Yo, dude, you’re staring at her.” Rian nudged me in the ribs.  
  
“Hmm, who?” I looked away and raised my eyebrows at Rian.  
  
“At Ash, you doofus. I thought you didn’t like her.”  
  
“I don’t, but nobody’s going to want to socialize with her now. We will never get rid of her.”  
  
“Yes, but why were you staring?”  
  
“Because she’s sitting next to Lianne.” I rolled my eyes as if it was obvious.  
  
“Ok, if you say so,” Rian started whispering since the teacher actually started doing her job, “and I actually think Ash is pretty cool.”  
  
“Whatever.”  
  
We were assigned to make a poster about a problem high school students had, in pairs. It could be anything, nothing would be stupid. But I knew better, the teacher might not judge, but classmates definitely were going to. There was always a wrong answer to an open question about opinions.  
  
Rian and I decided to work together and we were brainstorming ideas. But I couldn’t concentrate. My eyes kept wandering off to where Ash was sitting. She was talking and laughing with Lianne. What type of sorcery was this! Lianne never fucking talked, let alone laughed! Did she have some evil plan to murder Ash in her sleep? But ugh, Ash’s laugh was just perfect. It wasn’t like that over bubbly or high pitched laugh most girls had; it also wasn’t like a crazy-ass donkey; it was perfect.  
  
I was interrupted by Rian snapping his fingers in front of my eyes. “Do you agree, Alex?”  
  
“Huh, what?” I shook my head and looked back down at the table.  
  
“Our high school problem is crushes,” Rian told me and twitched his head toward the teacher who was standing next to us. She had probably just asked us what our theme was.  
  
“Uhh, yeah…” I smiled.  
  
The teacher looked satisfied and walked away. “Good luck, boys.”  
  
I glared at Rian. “I do not have a crush.”  
  
“Oh come on!” Rian exclaimed and lowered his voice, “you’ve been staring at her for the past 20 minutes. I’ve been trying to talk to you, but you probably haven’t even heard me.”  
  
“I do _not_ have a crush. I’m just confused about Ash actually getting Lianne to speak and laugh.”  
  
“Keep telling yourself that.”  
  
I did not have a crush on Ash! It was never going to happen. We couldn’t even be around each other for long before something would go wrong. I thought she was annoying, and she hated me. It was just how we worked. I was never going to like her, let alone _like like_ her. That was fucking impossible!  
  
I tried working with Rian, trust me, I really did. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t help but look at Ash. She was so interesting and beautiful-- wait, no. This was probably why Rian thought I had a crush on her! Couldn’t I just think a girl was pretty without wanting to date her? Yes, I definitely could. Ash was hot and I wasn’t going to deny it, but I would never ever want to fucking date her.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
I was trying to catch my breath after having laughed with Lianne about something she did in the summer. She was really cool and was actually nice, unlike many people I had met today. Since we were sitting together, we chose to work on the weird project together. We both agreed that this wasn’t really art, but that we were going to try to make an artwork out of this poster. Our problem was going to stay secret. We didn’t want anybody stealing our idea.  
  
“Ash, act normal and don’t look, but Alex freaking Gaskarth is looking our way!” Lianne squealed.  
  
“Ugh, can’t he just stop!” I whined. “He’s the most annoying person ever. One moment he’s all nice to me, the next he’s making fun of me and trying to hurt me in one way or another.”  
  
“But it’s Alex Gaskarth! I swear to god that he’s staring at you!”  
  
“What’s so special about him anyway?” I played with a pencil in my hands while I was trying to figure out what would look better on the poster: a red figure or a green figure.  
  
“He’s in a band with his friends Jack and Rian and some other guy from another school,” she said like I was being stupid.  
  
“Oh, Zack. He’s pretty cool, actually. Alex, on the other hand, will stay the guy who walked in the bathroom this morning and started peeing while I was putting on my makeup. I don’t get why girls think he’s amazing.”  
  
“Wait. You’re staying with him!”  
  
“I wish I wasn’t.”  
  
“Can we please trade places,” she begged me.  
  
I laughed. “I’d be happy to.”  
  
The bell suddenly rang and students ran out of the classroom. Lunch really was the best time of day for some people. I, however, didn’t feel rushed to go to lunch. But Alex obviously did. He came right up to me and stared at me, giving me annoyed glares.  
  
“Come on, Ash, I want to go to lunch!” he ‘helped’ pack my stuff away, “my mom gave me our lunch money. Hurry up!”  
  
Before I could even say bye to Lianne, Alex was dragging me away. Rian was also walking with us. I had seen him sitting with Alex. However, Jack was nowhere to be seen. He was probably in a different class.  
  
“What was that about!” I ripped my arm out of his grasp.  
  
“Don’t talk to her,” Alex told me, “nobody talks to her.”  
  
"I’ll talk to whoever I want to talk to!”  
  
“I’m just warning you,” Alex raised his hands in defense, “we’re meeting Jack at the cafeteria, by the way.”  
  
“Oh great, him again.”  
  
Alex rolled his eyes and continued to pull me along. He forced a tray in my hands as we stood in line and angrily gave me all my food before paying for both our lunches at the end of the cue. I could have easily done it myself, but Alex seemed so determined and didn’t listen to my arguments. Why was he so mad? Or was I just mistaking his meanness as mad?  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
Jack was already sitting at our usual table, so we quickly joined him. Rian took the seat next to him, and Ash and I were left to sit opposite them. Jack greeted us and we started eating our lunch. The cafeteria was slowly filling up with more students and the noise was getting louder and louder.  
  
“So, Ash,” Jack spoke up, “how many guys have you done it with?”  
  
I expected him to ask her how her first day had been so far, but nope. Jack wasn’t as sensible as I hoped him to be. He went right back to trying to sleep with her. Couldn’t he see she didn’t want to? She obviously had other interests. He was basically harassing her.  
  
“Umm, I’m sorry?” Ash acted as if she hadn’t heard him.  
  
“How many guys have you done the sex with?”  
  
“And you want to know this because…?’  
  
I knew exactly where this was going. Why did Jack have to be so stupid! Couldn’t he just be nice to the girl!  
  
“‘Cause you’re hot.” Jack took a bite of his pizza. “So, how many?”  
  
Ash gave him a disgusted look and put her sandwich down. She got up and picked up her tray before walking away. This was not what I expected and of course she went over to Lianne, who was sitting at a table all by herself. This was going to be her social death. Nobody was going to want to be her friend and I was going to be ignored as well because I had to hang out with her.  
  
I scoffed at Jack, “seriously! Can’t you give up already!”  
  
Jack looked taken aback by my outburst. “No, she obviously wants to, but she’s just playing hard to get. Why do you care anyway?”  
  
“Remember what happened last time you did this?”  
  
He thought for a bit before shaking his head. “Nope.”  
  
“You fucking made her cry! What’s wrong with you!” I was seriously starting to get mad at him.  
  
“Oh yeah, I did.” he nodded like it was nothing and started eating again.  
  
“She’s just a girl, can’t you leave her alone. There’s a whole lot of girls here that want to sleep with you. Just leave her alone!”  
  
“Alex’s got a crush!” Rian smirked in a teasing voice.  
  
“I do not have a fucking crush!” I snapped.  
  
People turned and looked at me. _I did not have a crush._


	6. Kidnapping and Realizations

**Ash’s POV**  
  
After school, Alex had promised to drive me home before he went over to Jack’s house. But that didn’t happen. He locked the doors as soon as I got in and drove the way to Jack’s house without saying a word. I was so confused; I heard about his outburst during lunch, but I didn’t know what it was about. Was it something about me? He hadn’t said a word to me since I left their table and went to sit with Lianne. Speaking of which, she seemed really happy that I came to sit with her. Nobody was with her and nobody came during the entirety of lunch. It was like I was the only friend this girl had. But I didn’t mind, she was also my only friend.  
  
Jack was already at his house when we pulled up on the driveway. He opened the door for us before we could even step out of the car. Guess who was creeping out of the window, waiting for us to come. But he looked surprised when he saw me.  
  
“Ash, weren’t you going to go home?” He asked me with his eyebrows raised.  
  
“That was the plan, but somehow I ended up here. And I don’t know why.” I sighed and glared at Alex.  
  
“Sorry,” he rolled his eyes, “I forgot.”  
  
Rian joined us. “Sure… you _‘forgot’.”_  
  
We were brought up to Jack’s room soon after. There were a couple of guitars against a wall, tons of posters all over the walls, and stacks of CDs next to a CD player. Jack turned on the stereo and a song started playing, which I immediately recognized.  
  
I put my bag down on the floor and nodded at the music choice. “Blink-182, nice. I personally like Green Day and Sum 41 more.”  
  
Jack and Rian seemed impressed, but Alex burst out laughing. “You don’t like this type of music.”  
  
I shrugged. "If you say so.”  
  
I wasn’t going to argue with him. If he was going to act like this, I wasn’t going to give him the reaction he wanted. Giving him what he wanted would only make him continue. It’s what I learned when I got bullied as a child. They would pick on me and make me cry and they would keep doing so every day. One day I just ignored them and they suddenly stopped. Now, I’m not saying this is how bullying always worked. It happened when I was 6, bullying in high school was probably a lot worse.  
  
Just like I expected, Alex continued to try to bug me and stated, "you like classical music.”  
  
“Yep.” I agreed as I kept ignoring him. “Anyway, I really don’t have anything to do here. Can anybody drive me back to Alex’s place?”  
  
“Can’t you just walk home?” Alex groaned out in frustration.  
  
“You want me to walk home?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s not that far away.”  
  
“Fine.” I picked up my bag again.  
  
“Fine,” Alex shouted a little louder to make sure he won the argument.  
  
“Fine!” I screamed and slammed the door. If that wasn’t the reaction he wanted, then he would never be satisfied.  
  
I ran downstairs and found Jack’s mom standing in the kitchen making me regret slamming the door shut. This was her house and I just made a lot of noise, probably scaring her. I could have broken the door or the wall. Oh, no, this wasn’t good.  
  
“I’m so sorry about that.” I put some of my hair behind my ear. “I shouldn’t have done that.”  
  
“It’s ok,” she smiled at me and held out her hand for me to shake, “it’s nice to see a female here for once. I’m Joyce, Jack’s mom.”  
  
I chuckled. “I’m Ash, I’m the exchange student that’s staying with Alex. He was supposed to bring me home first, because I wanted to do my homework, but he kidnapped me and brought me here instead.”  
  
“I appreciate anybody who wants to do their homework, you barely get that in this house. Who were you shouting at, by the way?”  
  
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “Alex. It’s like he’s on a mission to annoy me as much as possible, it’s been like that since I came here. He told me to walk back to his house, but I really don’t know where that is.”  
  
“Oh,” Joyce washed her hands and dried them with a towel, “that’s not nice of him. I could bring you there.”  
  
“Oh no, I’ll just wait or find my way there. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”  
  
“No, it’s fine. I haven’t seen Isobel in a while anyway. I’d be happy to bring you.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
I heard Jack’s door open again and footsteps came running down the stairs. Alex appeared while he tried to catch his breath. “Thank god you’re still here. My mom would have killed me if I made you walk. Shit. Bye.”  
  
He ran back upstairs and Jack’s door shut loudly.  
  
“That’s what I mean with he’s trying to annoy me.” I pointed in the direction he came from.  
  
“That’s weird. Alex is always such a nice boy, I don’t know what’s gotten into him.” Joyce shook her head, making a mental note to tell Isobel what happened.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I watched Ash slam the door shut and I lazily fell back onto Jack’s bed. Rian and Jack’s gazes fell on me and they gave me judgemental looks. I looked back at them and raised my hand as if asking them what was wrong.  
  
“What was that?” Jack sneered and hit my hand away.  
  
“What?” I asked him as if I didn’t know what he was talking about.  
  
“You can’t just shout at her like that!”  
  
“Oh, so you’re the responsible one now?” I rolled my eyes and made a big gesture with my hands.  
  
“What I do is just for fun. This is not just for fun.”  
  
“Ugh, she’ll come back. Just wait and see, that’s what they always do.”  
  
“You’ve got it bad, man.” Rian sat next to me and patted my shoulder.  
  
I shrugged his hand off. “I do not have a crush on her!”  
  
“Who said anything about a crush?”  
  
“I know what you were implying, Rian. Don’t try to hear things I’m not saying! I do not. Have. A. Crush. On. Her!”  
  
They both kept staring at me like they were trying to crack me open and spill my guts. But there was nothing I was hiding. They could keep trying, but I wasn’t going to say anything. I knew I didn’t have a crush on her. But their stares were getting intense and I was starting to feel pressured.  
  
I breathed out. “Ok, fine. She’s hot, she plays the piano damn good, she likes punk music, but I do not like her. I would maybe fuck her, but that’s all.”  
  
“Sorry to interrupt your fantasy of all the things you would do to her, but she still hasn’t come back.” Jack pointed at the digital clock, signifying me that more than 5 minutes had passed already.  
  
“Shit, shit, shit. My mom is going to murder me!” I ran downstairs as quick as I could, hoping to maybe find her. Maybe she had already gotten lost. And it was raining outside. Shit! This wasn’t good, this wasn’t--  
  
I saw Ash talking to Joyce and let out a sigh of relief while trying to catch my breath at the same time. Ash had this specific smile whenever she was meeting someone new. It was polite, but not fake; toothy, but not overdone. And the way her mouth moved while talking was like an art itself. Holy fuck she was beautiful. They looked at me and I panicked.  
  
“Thank god you’re still here. My mom would have killed me if I made you walk. Shit. Bye,” was all that I could come up with before I ran back upstairs.  
  
I slid down the door after I closed the door. “Shit, shit, shit, shit. Fuck!”  
  
Jack and Rian turned around to see me freaking out. Rian held out his hand to help me up. “Dude, what’s wrong? Is she not there? Should we go out looking for her?”  
  
I slapped his hand away and got up myself before pacing the room up and down. “No, she’s downstairs… Where’s Zack? I need Zack! I need the fucking shy skateboarder kid! Shit!”  
  
“Alex, calm down!” Jack yelled while I continued swearing. “And tell us what the fuck is wrong!”  
  
I shook my head and sat on the bed. “No. I need Zack.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll call him to come straight from school. He should have just finished.”  
  
Not being able to sit still, I stood back up and started pacing again. My hands were shaking and I tried to calm them down by writhing my left wrist with the fingers of my right. This was not good, not good at all. I was in some deep shit.  
  
When Zack came over 15 minutes later, I was still walking around the room. He entered the room and looked at me before frowning. “Aw, shit, man.”  
  
I stopped patrolling around and looked at him, “I know. What do I do?”  
  
“Shit, I don’t know.”  
  
Rian interrupted, “wait, hang on, did Alex tell you or are we just missing something obvious?”  
  
Zack shook his head and pointed at me. “I can just tell. He’s got the feelings for someone.”  
  
“I knew it! Dude, this is awesome!”  
  
I glared at him. “This is not good! I have to get over her. Besides, she hates my guts anyway.”  
  
Jack poked me. “Are you sure about that?”  
  
“I’ve been a fucking douchebag to her. I just basically made her walk through the fucking rain and laughed at her because of she likes punk music. What the fuck is wrong with me?!”  
  
“Well, start off being nicer to her,” Zack suggested, “after that just ask her out.”  
  
“That’s not how this fucking works!”  
  
I was screwed. Now I was going to have to live with the girl I liked just across the hall. Most guys would love it, but I was terrified. How was I going to be able to act normal around her? I couldn’t just start being nice to her, it would be too suspicious, but being mean to her would kill me inside. Was I just going to have to act like a fucking idiot around her? My brain probably wouldn’t allow me anything else… Shit.


	7. Whatever You Do, Don't Mention The Pizza... Ever

**Ash’s POV  
**  
I had survived a full week of school and it was finally Friday; a day to relax and do nothing. Alex hadn’t talked to me much and sometimes even avoided me. I like him more when he was being mean than when he was ignoring me. This was just creepy and I didn’t know what I had done wrong. Luckily I still had Lianne. Now that Alex didn’t want me around at all, I hung out with her. Alex didn’t bother me about it, so I got to do whatever I wanted.  
  
So, as I said before, my plan was to do literally nothing this evening. Alex’s parents were out until tomorrow afternoon and I had ordered pizza for myself, which I was eating while doodling in a sketchbook I had. I was playing my weird playlist whenever I wasn’t in a specific mood. It had both punk and classical music; the two genres I actually liked.  
  
There was a knock on my door and Alex entered, “umm, hey.”  
  
“Hi,” I said with my mouthful and picked up the box of pizza, “want a slice of pizza?”  
  
“Uh, yeah, sure,” he ripped of one of the pieces, making him stand fully in the room, “thanks.”  
  
“Since when do you say ‘thanks’ to me?”  
  
“Since you gave me free pizza,” he rolled his eyes as if he was stating the obvious.  
  
“So what do you want?” I continued doodling the wierd cartoon monster I was drawing.  
  
“We, umm, are having a party downstairs, and umm, I forgot to tell you, but yeah…” he looked so awkward as if he was hiding something from me.  
  
“Ok, I get it. I’ll stay up here so your friends don’t have to see me.”  
  
“I, umm, actually wanted to ask you if you, umm, uh, wanted to, umm, come as well?”  
  
“Oh,” he really surprised me with that, “umm…”  
  
“I promise my mom and dad know about this. They even bought the alcohol,” it sounded like he was trying to defend himself.  
  
“Ok, I wasn’t going to say anything about that, but nice to know.”  
  
“It must suck to not be able to drink legally, right?” he forced out a chuckle, “you know, age limit in Germany is 16, here it’s 21.”  
  
“I don’t drink,” I told him bluntly.  
  
“Oh,” his face went pink and he tried striking a casual pose, “I mean, there’s also other stuff…”  
  
“I think I’ll pass, Alex,” I tried being as polite as possible, “I might come downstairs for a second or so, but I don’t really party.”  
  
“Oh, ok… umm, I’ll go then.”  
  
“Thanks for inviting me, though.”  
  
“No problem.”  
  
What was wrong with him? He seemed so nervous and kept stumbling over his words. Looking back at everything, his parents probably had forced him to ask me to come as well. I could just tell he didn’t want me there. The messing up his speech was because he just didn’t want to talk to me. Why would he ask me to come to his party after not talking to me for an entire week?  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV  
**  
I went back to the living room where Jack, Zack, and Rian were waiting. They came here to help me set everything up and asked me whether I had asked Ash to come or not. When I said no, they went ballistic. I just thought it was common sense for her to come. She lived here, why would I have to ask her to come? But they forced me to go upstairs and ask her.  
  
I know, I had been avoiding her for the entire week. The car ride to school was always so awkward. She would try to talk to me, but I couldn’t answer. I was too afraid to mess up. Realising you actually have feeling for someone can be pretty alarming. I just needed to get over her. This was just a schoolboy crush, nothing else.  
  
“How did it go?” Rian put the last solo cups in the kitchen.  
  
“Terrible,” I groaned and cringed inside thinking about what I said to her, “I fucked up. I did this weird stupid laugh,” I tried doing the same cringeworthy chuckle, “what the fuck is that! She looked at me like I was crazy.”  
  
“You got a slice of pizza, though,” he pointed at the pizza I was still holding, making me take a bite, “that must mean something.”  
  
“No, it doesn’t. She offered it to me as soon as I came in, it could have been anyone that got it,” I flopped down on the couch and groaned in despair.  
  
Jack came from the basement, having gotten stuff ready there, “is she coming?”  
  
“No,” I moaned, “stop rubbing in my face that I fucking messed up!”  
  
“You got some pizza, though.”  
  
“Why is everybody mentioning the pizza!”  
  
“I’m not mentioning the pizza,” Zack piped up. I really didn’t know where he came from or what he was doing, but he was here as well.  
  
“You just mentioned the pizza,” I whined and rolled off the couch.  
  
“What’s wrong with him?” A voice came from the stairs.  
  
I looked up to see Ash. A god. This was fucking embarrassing. Here I was, throwing myself a fucking pity party about the girl that was standing right in front of us. I couldn’t cover this up; I looked like a fucking idiot. Why couldn’t I just be normal! She was never going to like someone who acted this weirdly. Nobody liked shit like that!  
  
“Period pains,” Jack blurted out. Why the fuck would he use that as an excuse! That was the stupidest thing he could say-  
  
“Ah,” Ash nodded and walked past us, probably going to throw the pizza box away, “been there, done that.”  
  
When she turned the corner I glared at Jack, “what the fuck was that!”  
  
He raised his hands in defense, “I’m just trying to cover up for you. You’re never a whiny bitch like this. You’ve got it really bad.”  
  
Ash came back out, having heard the last part, “they say masurbation help with the cramps. I don’t know. Maybe you could go on instagram and find some pictures again.”  
  
“What?” Jack asked, but I knew exactly what she was referring to.  
  
She looked at me before disappearing upstairs, “I saw your screen. It’s actually pretty disgusting, don’t ever do that again, please.”  
  
“What was that about?” Jack looked at me with wide eyes.  
  
I got up slowly, “nothing…”  
  
“You did not,” Zack gasped.  
  
“He totally did,” Jack smirked while I was trying to hide my flushed face.  
  
“What are you guys talking about? I have no clue what she was talking about. Rian do you know what she was talking about? They seem to know,” I did not want to talk about this. Normally I wouldn’t be embarrassed, but this was really bad. Why would Ash do this to me!  
  
“Oh, I do know,” Rian grinned smugly and nodded.  
  
“You see, she hates me!” I exclaimed, “she wouldn’t have said anything if she liked me. I didn’t need anybody knowing this!”  
  
Everybody kept staring at me. What? Did I say something wrong?  
  
I groaned and went to get the last things ready, “I just need to get laid, I don’t actually like her.”  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
Loud music and booming bases were filling the house. I could hear people talking, screaming, and singing. The entire school was probably here, yet I was still upstairs. But I actually didn’t mind. I didn’t like how loud everything and everyone was being. Things were going crazy and I was once again hiding away. I never went to parties back in Germany. People would get too drunk and things would always go wrong.  
  
I only dared to go downstairs when things started to quiet down. Sure, I wasn’t wearing the most attractive clothes - a sweatshirt and blue jeans, and my hair was messed up and in a ponytail - but I was really thirsty and I wasn’t going to dare drink some water out of the bathroom tap. Who knew what Alex had done in there. He did a lot of disgusting things, including looking a pictures of me. It was obvious he only wanted sex.  
  
I creeped out of my room, locking the door behind myself; I wasn’t going to dare have anybody go in there and do stuff. The party had died down quite a bit, but there were still quite a lot of people. Most of them looked pretty drunk. Jack was making out with some girl on the couch, Rian and Zack were each talking to some friends, and Alex was nowhere to be seen. He probably already went upstairs and was having sex with some poor girl. Or so I thought.  
  
He suddenly appeared in front of me, “Ash! You came,” he was completely wasted and was being very touchy-feely, “you have no idea how much I wanted you to come!”  
  
“Great,” I tried walking past him so I could go to the fridge and get some nice cool water.  
  
But he stopped me by sloppily placing his hands on my shoulders, “no, really. I really really wanted you to come.”  
  
He swayed from side to side and I tried getting him off me again. But instead he leaned forward and tried to kiss me. I gave him a weird look and moved backwards, pushing his face away with my hand. What was he even trying to do? He was so drunk that he actually thought he wanted to kiss me. This was actually pretty funny.  
  
“Ooh! Alex got rejected!” A girl shouted as she raised her beer bottle.  
  
I ignored everybody else’s calls and hollers and went to get the water I came all this way for. After finding a bottle, I maneuverered through the crowd, trying to leave unnoticed. But something was bugging me. After I had pushed Alex away he actually seemed upset. But he couldn’t be. The alcohol was just playing with his mind.


	8. Groaning of the Floor Like the One and Only

**Ash’s POV  
**  
When I woke up the morning after the party I was surprised by the lack of people. Everybody was gone, except for Alex who was passed out in the living room. The place wasn’t a big mess, but I decided to clean up anyway. You could say I was a bit OCD about these things. When my mother got sick I had a serious case of OCD. I would think that if I didn’t keep my room clean enough, she would die. Or if my dad didn’t keep the bookcase organised alphabetically, the doctors would forget about her. I went crazy for a while after she died; my tricks hadn’t worked. But then I got help and I realised that I couldn’t let this happen to myself anymore. However, somewhere in the back of my mind, it was always there.  
  
When I was about halfway done with throwing away all the red solo cups, I heard a groan behind me. Alex was awake and staring at his phone like it was the only life supply he had. But then he suddenly threw it at the wall and let out another groan. He probably didn’t know I was here.  
  
“Umm, are you ok?” I asked carefully while I was staring at him.  
  
He froze up, but then relaxed and moaned again, “everybody got laid and I passed out on my own living room floor.”  
  
“Sucks to be you,” I rolled my eyes and continued cleaning up, a large bin bag in one of my hands.  
  
I could feel Alex’s eyes on me as I was throwing things away, “you shouldn’t be doing that.”  
  
“But I want to,” I tried ignoring the fact that he was looking me up and down.  
  
“I’ll help you as soon as this headache stops trying to make me throw up when I move.”  
  
“That will be never,” I muttered under my breath and moved the couch back in place.  
  
“What was that?”  
  
“Nothing,” I put on a fake smile.  
  
“You really hate me, don’t you?” Alex rolled over so he was facing me, only turning green for a couple of seconds.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Hmmm, let me see,” I pretended to think, “you disrespect me, you keep looking at me like I’m an object, and you keep trying to embarrass me. Then afterwards you always apologize, but you start again immediately. I don’t know, you tell me.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I do it. I really want to be friends,” he tried getting up, but thought better of it, and lied back down.  
  
“Why do you want to be friends? If you would have wanted that you could have been nice to me from the beginning.”  
  
“Do you really want to know why I acted like a fucking douchebag and why I want to be friends now?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Because-”  
  
Alex was cut off by his parents coming through the front door. They looked around and nodded at how clean it was, but there was still some to clean up. Hopefully there wasn’t a big mess downstairs, because that would be really annoying to clean up. But we were first going to start here. When I say we, I meant Alex and I, but it was most likely just going to be me.  
  
“You guys have fun?” Isobel asked as while she took off her Jacket and hung it up in the hallway.  
  
“He just woke up on the floor, so I’m guessing he had a good time,” I pointed at Alex, who still hadn’t moved much.  
  
“What about you?”  
  
“Umm, I just stayed upstairs…”  
  
“Alex, did you tell her to stay upstairs?” Isobel glared at him.  
  
“Oh, no, it was my choice, he asked me to come,” I told her before she got mad at Alex. I did not need that. Alex was already annoying enough, I didn’t need it getting any worse.  
  
“What she said,” Alex groaned as he tried standing up. He clutched his head and swayed before he ran out, probably heading to the bathroom.  
  
“Need me to hold your hair?” I called out after him.  
  
“Shut up!”  
  
I shrugged and started to clean up again. Isobel tried to get me to stop and let Alex do everything, but I insisted on making sure this place looked as good as it did before. Their house was a nice place, it would have been a shame if Alex would only do a mediocre job. Speaking of him, he walked back out in just some sweatpants, no shirt. I’ll be honest and say he really didn’t look bad.  
  
Come on, I was also just human. I was allowed to think these things. At least I wasn’t freaking out like most girls would do. I just glanced at him, I didn’t stare; I was used to seeing half naked boys. And that sounds really weird and pedophilic. It was just because of my younger brothers, ok! Don’t take it in the wrong way!  
  
Alex’s parents left to go grocery shopping to let us clean up. We had a couple of hours to make sure everything was, I quote, ‘good enough’. They were so relaxed about all this. I’m pretty sure there were tonnes of parents that would go ballistic.  
  
“I think it’s very unfair for me to be the only one without shirt on,” Alex smirked before going over what he said, “oh, sorry, umm…”  
  
I shrugged and took of my pajama shirt, leaving me in a sport’s bra. Why would I care? I often went out and worked out in just a sports bra and people would see me all the time. This was no different. It was hot in here anyways.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I thought I had made a terrible mistake by joking around by saying Ash should also take of her shirt. But she actually took it off! Like, what the actual fuck! She took off her freaking shirt! Her body was so amazing. Holy fucking shit! Wait. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Now I was going to have to keep myself under control. Oh shit. No, no, no, no, no. This was no good. Luckily she wasn’t wearing something that revealed her chest. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if it was like that.  
  
“What are you staring at?” Ash took me out of my daydreaming phase.  
  
“You- you took off your shirt,” I blubbered. Not only was she hot, but she was beautiful as well. Everything about her was perfect!  
  
“Yes,” she gave me a look as if this was really normal, “never seen a girl in a sport bra before?”  
  
“Well, yes, but-”  
  
“Keep that thought to yourself. This wasn’t a good idea,” she put on her shirt again, but I couldn’t take the image out of my head.  
  
“Yeah, umm, let’s get this place cleaned up,” I took a plastic bag myself to throw things in, “are we friends now, though?”  
  
“Sure, but if you screw up one more time, like trying to kiss me while you are drunk, we will just stay what we are now,” Ash went into another room to get started there.  
  
I tried to kiss her last night? Oh shit. That wasn’t supposed to happen! Did I tell her anything? Did anybody else see me? But most importantly, did our mouths touch?  
  
“In case you were wondering, I pushed you away before you could even come close,” Ash added with a laugh.  
  
Oh fuck.


	9. The Request That Made the Boy Blush

**Ash’s POV**  
  
A Tuesday morning, room 104, AP calculus. My brain was going crazy. The teacher was explaining things on the board, drawing weird diagrams and placing numbers and letters everywhere. I managed to figure out what some of the things meant, but I didn’t understand so many terms. Basically, I was busy trying to translate everything rather than actually learn new things. Why did different languages have different words for things like this! Not only was calculus confusing for me, but so was physics. I was probably going to fail both classes miserably.  
  
When I finally managed to understand one example and actual write it down in my notes, I looked up to find that she had finished another problem. _What was this!_ It was completely different to the one I had just written down. I sighed and looked around the classroom. Everybody was busy writing things down, and I was just left confused. The boy next to me with black hair and glasses, which he frequently pushed up, seemed to be finished. I mean, why not ask him?  
  
So, I leaned over and tapped his shoulder. “Can you help me? I’m so confused right now. I normally get all this stuff, but it’s not in German.”  
  
The guy looked so surprised to see that I was talking to him. “Y-you want my help?”  
  
“Yeah, who else would I ask?”  
  
“Ok…” He looked at the board and at my paper before proceeding to try to explain the thing. But that wasn’t for long.  
  
The teacher, Mrs. Williams, noticed us talking. “Ashley, stop flirting with Quentin and pay attention!”  
  
Once again, everybody in the class turned to look at me. But the looks were very judgemental and some were even giggling. Was talking to Quentin also a bad idea just like apparently talking to Lianne was? I just wanted to talk to whoever I wanted to. This school was so confusing.  
  
“Mrs! Her name isn’t Ashley, it’s Ash!” Rian shouted from a couple of rows in front of me. Since when was he in this class? I hadn’t seen him, but then again I wasn’t really paying attention to people. Trying to understand this was a whole lot more important.  
  
“Well, Ash, pay attention. I don’t need any PDA in this classroom.”  
  
There were more giggles and I blushed, just wanting to hide away from this. Why were things always going wrong? This was a lot worse than I had expected. I just wanted to go home to my dad and brothers and go back to my normal school. Everything was so much better there. Here everybody only cared about gossip and having a laugh.  
  
“No, Mrs,” the guy with glasses, now also know as Quentin to me, “she was just asking me to help her with understanding this. You’re going pretty fast for someone who has to translate all the math language.”  
  
Everybody seemed so surprised to hear and see Quentin talk and stand up for me. Was he another kid that didn’t talk in class? He did seem kind of nerdy, but I didn’t understand why people wouldn’t want to talk to him. Behind his glasses, he was pretty good looking. Maybe it was something about him not being the hottest around in the earlier years of school, and now nobody even dared to talk to him anymore.  
  
“Alright,” the teacher nodded, “I’ll let it slip this time, but next time put your hand up and ask. I don’t want anybody talking while I’m talking.”  
  
I was ready to get more stares, but the bell rang before anything could happen. After quickly throwing everything into my bag, I rushed out of the classroom, but not before thanking Quentin. He really was nice to try to help me and stand up for me. I couldn’t just leave him hanging like that. Plus, I now also knew the name of one of my neighbors.  
  
I rushed to the canteen. Why was I rushing? For no other reason than that I didn’t want anybody making fun of me. They didn’t seem to really appreciate me ‘flirting’ with Quentin. But something unexpected happened. A group of kids, who I could definitely recognize as the popular and richer kids, stopped me.  
  
“Hey, would you like to sit with us today?” A girl asked. I recognized her as the girl who called me out on rejecting Alex at the party. She was actually quite pretty: very long blonde hair that flowed down her chest, blue eyes that had a slight hint of gray in them, makeup that didn’t look overdone, but just perfect. Everything about her was perfect.  
  
“Oh, umm...” I didn’t know whether they were being serious or not.  
  
“It’s just that I thought it was pretty awesome that you rejected Alex. There are so many girls that can’t resist him, trust me. Some of us even haven’t been able to keep our hands off of him. But don’t worry, I understand if you don’t want to.”  
  
I looked around to see if I could find any familiar faces, but there were none, “sure, why not?”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I was so confused when I went to get lunch. Ash wasn’t waiting for me, nor was she sitting at the table she sat at with Lianne. Rian was telling me a story, but I couldn’t concentrate on him. I was too busy scanning the crowd for Ash. Maybe she finally realized I was really stupid for trying to kiss her and decided to avoid me. I really screw up, didn’t I? Oh god, this was all my fault!  
  
“So, if you hear any rumors about Ash flirting with Quentin, it’s not true,” Rian finished and we sat down, Jack already going crazy with stuffing his mouth.  
  
“Wait, _what?!”_ I did not know what was going on. Ash was flirting with Quentin! She could do a lot better. You know.. like me.  
  
“Weren’t you listening?”  
  
“No,” I continued looking around, “I haven’t seen Ash since I walked her to calculus.”  
  
“You walked her to calculus?” Jack said with his mouth full while he gave me a suggestive smirk. “Isn’t your classroom on the other side of the building?”  
  
“Yes, because I wanted to. Shut up. But seriously, where is she!”  
  
“She’s right over there.” Jack pointed at the table behind him, the one I had a clear view of, and took another bite of his burrito.  
  
I looked at where Jack was pointing and saw her sitting with all the naturally popular kids. They were pretty rich and spoiled, but most of them were also pretty nice. But why did they suddenly have Ash with them? Were they going to screw her over? I didn’t know what I would do if anything like that happened to her. But she was actually laughing and they were also laughing… it was too suspicious, though!  
  
“Why is she sitting with them!” I frowned and started playing with my food.  
  
“Aww, is Lexy-Poo jealous?” Rian pouted and gave me puppy dog eyes.  
  
“No,” I grumbled and took a bit of my sandwich, thinking it would be a waste to turn all of it into crumbs.  
  
“Lexy-Poo is jealous!”  
  
“Am not!”  
  
I saw Lianne walking through the aisle, and sighed. She was going to see Ash sitting with the girls that hate her. I would have definitely felt betrayed if she were me. But nothing like that happened. Ash actually stopped Lianne and after a couple of seconds, Ash scootched up to make some space for her. What the fuck was going on!  
  
“Guys…” I pointed at Ash. “What’s going on there? Don’t they hate Lianne? This isn’t normal!”  
  
“You’re being way too overprotective.” Rian shook his head after turning his head to see what I was talking about. “Maybe they realized that Lianne is actually a nice person. I don’t know. Just stop freaking out and let Ash do whatever she wants.”  
  
“But maybe she’ll get together with one of those jock guys!”  
  
“Alex, she hasn’t even reacted positively to any of my attempts.” Jack rolled his eyes, licking his fingers. “She won’t sleep with any of them.”  
  
I just pouted. I had never felt like this before. This wasn’t normal, and I didn’t like it. I was caring too much about her, and I had to change it. But I fucking couldn’t. Ash had basically stolen my heart already. I was fucked and I knew it. There was no getting over her at all, not even sleeping with some cheap girl would help. I wanted Ash, but I wasn’t going to force her.


	10. The Question That Led To the Feeling

**Ash’s POV**  
  
Eating lunch with Harper and her friends actually wasn’t that bad. They were actually nice to me and they allowed Lianne to sit with us, which totally didn’t make any sense. Alex kept telling me that nobody talked to Lianne, but they accepted her just like they accepted me. They didn’t hate her or judge her. What Alex had said _literally_ made no sense to me. Over time Lianne, Harper, and I actually became pretty good friends. Who knew that rejecting Alex would lead to me having these great friendships? Speaking of which, we decided to hang out Alex’s place, which I will start calling my place to make things easier. Normally I was too busy with school, but this time I decided to make some time for them.  
  
I found Alex standing by our lockers, so I walked up behind him to tell him my plans. “Hey, Alex.”  
  
He jumped and fumbled around before dropping all his books. “Umm, uh, hey, uh, hi…”  
  
I helped him collect everything and saw Jack standing there just staring at us and grinning stupidly. He was probably talking to Alex before I came, but why he didn’t even bother to help, also didn’t make any sense to me. But, hey, he was Jack; Jack was weird.  
  
I stood back up, brushing the hair out of my face. “Lianne and Harper are coming over today, so don’t wait up for me, I’m driving with them.”  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah, that’s cool.” Alex pulled up his hoodie and made sure to hold his books tighter.  
  
“I’ll see you in English.” I skipped away.  
  
“Umm, yeah, see you.”  
  
Alex had been acting really awkward. He dropped the whole I-hate-you-and-think-you-are-annoying act, but it only turned into him saying a lot of ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ whenever we were talking. It was like he was always stumbling over his words. I just hoped he was going to start acting normal soon. From what I figured out between all his mumbles, he was actually a pretty cool and nice guy. He was probably just having a lot of trouble talking to me without insulting me, causing him to think over everything he wanted to say before speaking up. To be honest, I had never seen somebody stutter so much unless they actually had a speech impediment… As mean as that sounds. I’m not trying to insult anybody with a speech impediment. Luckily, I hadn’t said it out loud.  
  
After the rest of the school day, I quickly ran out of the building with Harper and Lianne. We didn’t want to get stuck in the horrible traffic jam that always formed at this time. It was solely created by our school. Students would stop in the middle of the road to talk to their friends, and others just weren’t paying attention. If you wanted to get home fast, you had to either make sure you were one of the first to leave, or you had to wait sometime until everything cleared up. And this is why you don’t let 16-year-olds drive. Forget about all the other problems, the main one is that the traffic just gets too bad.  
  
We blasted music during the car ride. I already knew the entire way back home and easily told Harper where to go to. She eventually knew where she was, having driven from her house to Alex’s before, but not from school. In case you were wondering, the music was both good and really crappy music. I won’t elaborate on what music it was; I’m too afraid I will offend anybody if I do.  
  
So, now we were in my room, quietly having a Green Day CD, which we stole from Alex before he came up and caught us in his room, playing in the background. Harper was gossiping about some guy she thought was ‘totes super hot’, and Lianne was looking around in my box of random pencils I had. Moments like this reminded me how different the two girls were. How they were friends, made no sense to me.  
  
“So, how’s it living in one house with Alex Gaskarth.” Harper fell back onto the double bed I was already lying on stomach first.  
  
“It’s ok, I guess,” I mumbled, but I came out more like I question. “I don’t know why people freak out about it.”  
  
“Because he’s hot,” Lianne blurted out and dropped a green pencil back into the box.  
  
“Ooh, look at that,” Harper grinned, “Lianne is actually showing some qualities that most normal girls have.”  
  
“Shut up.” Lianne rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed as well. “I just don’t like talking about guys, because I don’t like judging people. It makes me feel awkward, I wouldn’t want boys talking about me like that. But Alex is just hot; it’s a fact. I’ve known him for a couple of years, we used to go to the same private school, he’s grown up pretty well.”  
  
“You’ve known him for that long!”  
  
“Yeah… We used to be friends, but that obviously changed. But it doesn’t matter.”  
  
“That just makes Alex even weirder,” I sighed and rolled onto my back. “I don’t know what his deal is!”  
  
“I know right!” Harper exclaimed and threw her hands up in the air. “One moment we were kissing and taking each other’s clothes off and the next he stops and says we shouldn’t do it. I mean, we had done it before, so why not again?”  
  
Lianne and I both gave her a confused look. We both did not know anything about this. But then again, it was to be expected. Alex was quite a man-whore (Excuse my language, I was just quoting Harper!), and Harper, well, let’s just say she didn’t often reject guys.  
  
I continued to try to process what she was telling us. “That’s not what I meant! But now you got me interested; when did that happen?”  
  
“At his party.” Harper shrugged and inspected her nails.  
  
I burst out laughing. There was no way that happened. Well, they probably did get that close, but the fact that Alex was complaining about not getting any just made it so much better. He literally did it all to himself. And he was so upset about it! Every time I tried to compose myself, I would think about Alex throwing his phone against the wall and groaning, making me start again.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
“Alex! Come over here!” A high-pitched voice sounded from the other side of the hallway.  
  
I groaned and paused my video game before going to Ash’s room, where Harper was calling for me. What did they need me for! I didn’t want to be covered in makeup and be their doll. Maybe they were going to make me choose which outfit was better. I couldn’t do that! This was fucking shit. I just wanted to play my video game, not fucking be called into a room full of girls that didn’t even have any intention of using me for things I would have liked them to use me for.  
  
Harper was standing in the doorway, expecting me. She glared at me and crossed her arms, her fingers tapping on the elbow. There was laughter coming from inside and I quickly glanced in to see Ash was basically choking. I never saw Ash act like this; she wasn’t one to have fun like this. But something about me liked knowing under her whole ‘goody two shoes/daddy’s girl' act, she was just like any other teenage girl.  
  
“Have you been spreading lies?” Harper caught my attention.  
  
“Lies, what?” I questioned. What was she going on about? Couldn’t I get any context?  
  
“You know, your party.” She acted like it was the most obvious thing ever, twirling her hair around her forefinger.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
The laughter from inside was getting louder and louder, and it was starting to make me feel self-conscious. Was I doing something weird? Did I look stupid? Were they judging me? Oh, God. The sound started filling my head, and everything seemed to fade away. Nothing focused and I started getting dizzy. I couldn’t get an attack; not now.  
  
“Can you fucking shut up!” I snapped and shot daggers at Ash. She stopped immediately and looked taken aback. Great, I fucked that up too. But then her mouth started twitching and her nose flared. At first, I thought she was about to cry, but her laughter was trying it’s best to break free.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she giggled and pointed at Harper, “just look at her.”  
  
“Why did you not want to sleep with me!” Harper demanded and hit the door.  
  
“What? I don’t know what--” I started to defend myself.  
  
“At your party! After you tried kissing Ash you came over to me. One thing led to another and we ended up on your bed. But you stopped before we could get to the good stuff. And then Ash told me you were complaining about not having sex the morning after! What the fuck Alex!”  
  
I felt my cheeks heating up; they were probably showing an embarrassingly blooming red. My eyes wandered to Ash, who was still trying to keep her cool, but now she was hiding behind her hair. Her smile was so beautiful, and I made her hide it. Wasn't I a great person! (Notice the fucking sarcasm?)  
  
“Oh. My. God. No fucking way,” Harper whispered and pulled me into the room, shutting the door behind me.  
  
It was quiet. Even Ash had stopped laughing after the door closed with a loud thud. The only thing making this less awkward was Green Day’s Nimrod album playing in the background. That was totally my CD, and they fucking stole it. But I wasn’t going to dare say anything. I had already gotten mad at Ash once, I didn’t need to take another thing away she was enjoying.  
  
“That’s my album,” I still pointed out, not knowing anything else to say.  
  
“It’s a good album,” Ash agreed and nodded, looking around the room. At least I wasn’t the only one that felt really awkward.  
  
“This is a good start!” Harper exclaimed and gathered us all to sit on Ash’s bed, making sure to make me sit next to Ash. I did not know what was going on, and I did not know if I liked it or not.  
  
Lianne got more comfortable, “Harper, why are you acting so weird?”  
  
“I just think we should get to know each other a bit more.; I just realized we don’t know much about each other,/ Harper looked in between me and Ash, but only I realized. I knew what she was trying to do. She probably saw me looking at Ash! _Shit, shit, double SHIT!_ With Harper knowing, it was going to go around the school in no time. Fuck!  
  
“So… how about we start easy?” Harper clapped her hands and looked around our small group. “Let’s start with siblings.”  
  
“I’m an only child.” Lianne raised her hand. I actually knew that. It’s pretty embarrassing to say, but Lianne and I used to be really good friends when we both still went to a private school. We were basically best friends. But public school changed everything. People liked me but didn’t like her. I just followed everybody else.  
  
“Me too,” I murmured, not sure exactly what to say with my situation.  
  
“I’ve got three younger brothers: Jaxon, Kayden, and Charley.” Ash played with the hands in her lap.  
  
“I also have a younger brother. And he annoys me so much,” Harper groaned, “seriously. I’ve got better things to do than to do stuff with him. You know what I mean?”  
  
“I actually like my brothers…” Ash mumbled.  
  
“Oh, ok,” Harper didn’t really seem to agree, but still respected Ash, “Umm… what about favorite hobby?”  
  
“Making music,” Ash and I said at the same time. We looked at each other and I could see that her eyes had the slightest green in them. She was only getting more beautiful the more I got to see her and study her; the way her hair carefully framed her face and ran down her shoulders elegantly, her nose, which perfectly complemented the rest of her face, but here eyes were still the one thing that infatuated me the most. It was unfair to any other girls, she was just that pretty.  
  
We continued to go through many questions, getting more personal each time. I actually learned more about these three girls in less than an hour, than I had with Jack. This was a weird method, but it was fucking working. I even learned more about Lianne, which I thought was pretty surprising. She hadn’t changed much, but at the same time a lot had changed. Harper wasn’t just some popular girl. And Ash, Ash was just getting even more amazing. She told us about her travels and there were some pretty fucking awesome stories. I wanted to travel the world as well. It sounded so fucking amazing.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Ash called the person on the other side in. My mom opened the door and was about to start talking to Ash when she saw me sitting on the bed and laughing as well. “Do I want to know what is going on here?”  
  
“We’re obviously just about to have a foursome.” I rolled my eyes and sighed dramatically as if she just interrupted.  
  
“Oh, yes, I see. I’m sorry.” my mom played along. “Please be safe. We do not need three Gaskarth babies, not at this age.” With that, she closed the door and Lianne suddenly became very quiet. If I wasn’t this awkward, I would have asked her what was wrong, but I wasn’t really her friend. I couldn’t just expect her to let me in like that.  
  
“How about our biggest secret?” Harper suggested next. Everybody looked skeptical and was about to argue, but she sighed. “I promise I won’t tell anyone. Not everything I hear will become gossip. I’ll even go first,” this for some reason got us all to oblige, and Harper started, “my parents fight a lot. They don’t seem to want a divorce, but there is a lot of shouting at home. I know, I said I don’t like my brother, but at times like that he often comes into my room while he’s scared, and I let him stay there. Sometimes even I’m scared. But for there’s not been any abuse, it’s just fighting. But you never know.”  
  
Wow. Ok, I did not know that. People always seem perfect, but deep inside they weren’t. Things like this are nearly never talked about, but they were actually pretty important. Knowing from myself, I knew that bottling up didn’t help at all.  
  
Next everybody’s eyes shifted to Lianne. We were going to go through this round without making comments. She looked back at us and sighed, “I can’t have kids when I’m older. Because I’m an only child, I would be the only one that could give my parents grandchildren, which they’ve always really wanted. But that’s not going to happen… I guess there’s always adoption, though.”  
  
That did explain why she suddenly went quiet when my mom joked about them all getting quiet. It must suck to not be able to have any children. Like, fuck, even I wanted to have kids when I was older.  
  
And then all the attention was on me.  
  
“Umm…” I didn’t know how to say it, “my brother died when I was twelve… I guess you could say I didn’t take it that well.”  
  
Next came Ash. But instead of just saying straight up what she was thinking about, she stayed quiet for a while. When she finally opened her mouth, I thought she was going to say something amazing, but she didn’t.  
  
“I don’t know.” She shrugged and played with her fingers.  
  
“Oh, come on, there must be something!” Harper urged.  
  
She shrugged again. This time, I decided to say something as well. “You must have at least one secret.”  
  
“Oh, I do,” Ash nodded, not looking at anybody, “I just don’t know which one is my biggest secret.”  
  
She had more than one big secret? But she was perfect. There couldn’t be more than one thing she was hiding, or at least they couldn’t be bad. Ash wasn’t somebody that would have done much daring, so the secrets couldn’t be embarrassing. This just made me want to get to know her better.  
  
“Ok, umm,” Ash ran her fingers through her hair, “I always say that I don’t get sad about my mom, but after she died, I had a complete mental breakdown. I’m not going to go in any detail, though.”  
  
As normal as that secret sounded, it still shocked me. I, myself, knew that having a family member die really fucking sucked. But something about Ash made it so much different. She wasn’t supposed to go through that pain. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and comfort her, even though she seemed completely ok. Do you know that feeling? When you just think someone is so fucking special that you have to fucking protect them as much as you fucking could. Well, that was how I felt, and I couldn’t shake it off.


	11. Don't Think About The Butt

**Alex’s POV**  
  
Ever since the day that Harper had gotten us to open up to each other, Ash and I had been getting a lot closer. We found out that we had more things in common than we originally thought. I liked playing the guitar, she like the sound of guitars; I mean come on, we were just fucking perfect for each other. But, no, seriously, there were so many things that we had in common. Like, fuck. Even the secret we shared was pretty similar. I just couldn’t shut up about her, but at the same time I was too afraid to even ask her if she wanted to hang out as friends. How was I ever going to ask her out?  
  
“Dude, please shut up,” Jack groaned and slammed his locker shut. “I’ve heard this story so many times. I don’t care about all the things you like about Ash and about how you too like the same stuff and shit. Just ask her out already!”  
  
“I can’t!” I whined and melodramatically leaned against the other lockers. “Jack, please be my savior.”  
  
“Just ask her to come to the movie night at my house today. We’ll just do the usual shit we do.” Jack locked his locker.  
  
“Ok,” I stood back up and started making a plan, but then I realized I couldn’t even talk to her, “but how!”  
  
Jack stayed quiet and I was about to ask him what was wrong, but my question was asked before I could even make a sound. Somebody jumped onto my back, and since I wasn’t expecting it, we both toppled to the floor face first. I was going to get mad at whoever did it, but then I heard the familiar giggling that made my heart flutter. This was the closest we had ever been and I wasn’t sure what to do. Her chest was against my back and I could feel her chest raise in rapid motions while she laughed.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she got off me and I immediately felt cold, “you were just standing there, I had to do it.”  
  
“It’s ok,” I mumbled and stood up myself, brushing myself off.  
  
“Alex was going to ask you something,” Jack blurted out and gave me a hinting look.  
  
“Ok, just give me a minute to prepare.” Ash closed her eyes and took a deep breath as if she was preparing for something difficult. “Go ahead.”  
  
“Oh, umm, uh… We have a movie, umm, night at least once a month. Do you want to, umm, come as well? It’s at Jack’s place, we’ll, uh, stay the night there as well as tomorrow’s Saturday,” I stuttered. Why couldn’t I just talk like a normal human being around her? I knew how to act around girls, but somehow Ash managed to get rid of that Alex and replace him with this awkward fuck I was being.  
  
Ash sighed and looked at Jack, “is this another one of your attempts to get me to sleep with you. ‘Cause it’s not happening.”  
  
Well, great. She thought this was about Jack. Didn’t she realize I was literally freaking out right now? Why did she have to be so oblivious! She must have had guys act around her like this all the time!  
  
“Umm, no,” Jack whistled and shot me an apologetic look. “Alex just thought it would be a nice idea to have you come as well. You know, since you’ve actually become friends.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes, ask Alex.” He pointed at me and I glared at him until Ash suddenly turned around to look at me.  
  
“Yeah, umm, what he said,” I stumbled over my words, hoping they couldn’t hear because I was talking so quietly.  
  
“Oh, ok then,” Ash smiled at both of us, “wait up for me before you leave.”  
  
“Yeah, ok,” Jack answered when I didn’t dare say anything else.  
  
“See ya.” She skipped away and I could feel Jack look at me.  
  
“You are seriously making a fool of yourself!” He chuckled and handed me a book I had dropped after Ash made me fall over.  
  
“I know,” I mumbled and looked down at my toes, “it really sucks… I’ll see you later…”  
  
Jack stopped me before I could shuffle away somberly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
“Yeah… ok…”  
  
“No, seriously,” he held me back with his arm when I tried to walk away again, “she doesn’t even seem to realize, so cheer up. You’ve seen me mess up countless of times, you’ll be fine.”  
  
“If you say so,” I tried moving again. This time Jack let me go, but he continued walking with me.  
  
“How about we play Never Have I Ever this evening? You’ll get some confidence and we’ll finally get some answers out of Ash, you know, the questions we have been asking ourselves.”  
  
“Which questions?”  
  
“How many people she’s slept with, for example.”  
  
“She won’t tell us that. It shouldn’t even matter. She doesn’t even drink, anyway. It’s a stupid idea.” I stopped in front of the classroom I had to go into.  
  
“Don’t worry, we’ll get her to drink.” Jack winked and rushed off to his class, which was on the opposite side of the building.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
We were all seated in Jack’s room, five shot glasses were placed in front of us, and Jack had sneaked in a bottle of tequila from the kitchen. I wasn’t sure if I liked where this was going. If I knew this was what movie nights were like, I definitely wouldn’t have come. And the thought occupying my mind about me not having any clothes to sleep in, only made this whole thing worse.  
  
Jack poured the shots and placed one in front of us all. “So, this game is called Never Have I Ever, do you know how to play it?”  
  
I shook my head and looked at the brownish-yellowish liquid in front of me. Was I really going to drink tequila? _No way._ I could still bail out now.  
  
“One of us asks a question, for example ‘never have I ever danced around in my underwear in front of the mirror’ then anybody who has done that has to drink. If you haven’t done it, you don’t have to drink it, it’s that simple." Jack put the bottle in the middle of our group.  
  
“Ok, but do I have to drink this?” I scrunched my nose up at the drink.  
  
“Yes, just try some now.” Jack drank his own shot and closed his eyes while he pulled a weird face. “You see, no harm done.”  
  
I hesitated and Rian, Zack, and Alex each took one to encourage me. This was basically peer pressure. But they kept trying to convince me more and more. I couldn’t just _not_ do it. So I took the glass and swallowed it as fast as I could. My whole throat was burning and I coughed, trying to get rid of the feeling.  
  
“It’s not too bad,” I shrugged, getting used to the pain already, “it’s not as bad as bleach.”  
  
They all looked at me with terrified eyes. I sighed and shook my head. “I was just kidding,” they all sighed out in relief, but I wasn’t done yet, “it’s worse than bleach. But I can deal with it.”  
  
“You drank bleach before?” Rian asked after they had all be looking at me for a while longer.  
  
“It was an accident and it wasn’t much. There was no permanent damage. Stop judging me for it.” I rolled my eyes and thought back to the incident. My brothers and I were going to make cool patterns on t-shirts with bleach, but one of them put it in an actual water bottle instead of the ones we were going to use. I couldn’t taste or drink/eat anything for a while after that.  
  
“Well, umm… let’s get started then…”  
  
The questions started off really easy, like ‘never have I ever brushed my teeth in the shower’ and stuff like that. They were basically only to get us buzzed for when the more serious and funny questions came. And I actually wasn’t regretting drinking; I actually liked it. I didn’t know why I had always refused to drink something, it was just something I told myself I wouldn’t do. Who knew four guys could easily change my mind like that?  
  
“Never have I ever slept with 7 people or over!” Jack screamed out and he took a shot along with Alex.  
  
Alex gave me a curious look. “2 people or over?” Once again they took a shot, but this time Rian and Zack did too.  
  
“Slept with anybody ever?” Jack tried and they all took a shot, their eyes going wide when they realized I wasn’t drinking anything. “You have to take a shot if you’ve done it, right?”  
  
“I know.” I nodded and left my shot untouched.  
  
“Ok…” He looked so confused and thought of another question. “Never have I ever kissed anybody?”  
  
I still didn’t drink anything. Was this just a make-fun-of-Ash’s-lack-of-experience game? They were only asking questions about my sexual life. What did it matter to them? I lived my life, they lived theirs. We were completely different.  
  
“Ever had a sexual or romantic relationship?” Alex blurted out.  
  
“You’re just going to get yourself drunk like this,” I told them and shook my head. I was probably already as drunk as they were, the alcohol starting to hit me harder than it was affecting them. Having never drunk alcohol before, I was quite a light-weight.  
  
“So you’ve never done anything relationship wise?”  
  
“Nope,” I could seriously feel the effects now, “nobody has ever even approached me, except for Jack. So you’re a first,” I nodded at Jack as if he had achieved something great, and then shifted my attention to the shot in front of me. “Now, I’m still going to drink this because I feel like it.”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
We moved onto the movie in Jack’s basement afterward. Luckily his parents didn’t question the way we were acting, especially the way Ash was acting. She was pretty drunk and changed completely. Before we went downstairs we decided to get into our pajamas, knowing we would fall asleep down there. But Ash, never having been here for longer than a couple of hours, didn’t have anything to change into. Jack gave her one of his Blink-182 shirts, and she got changed into that. Surprisingly she was only wearing that and no pants, something she definitely wouldn’t have done if she were sober. I even tried to get her to wear some boxers or sweatpants, so she wouldn’t feel embarrassed the next day, but she insisted she liked wearing what she was wearing.  
  
“I gotta go to the bathroom,” Ash announced and stumbled towards the stairs.  
  
I watched her, scared that she would fall any moment. “Do you need any help getting there?”  
  
“No.” she started up the stairs, but fell down on the third step and couldn’t manage to get up. “Maybe…”  
  
“I’ll go,” Rian sighed and jogged to help her up before she could hurt herself anymore.  
  
I waited for them to disappear and close the door behind themselves before I glared at Jack. “This wasn’t a good idea. Look at her!”  
  
“Shh.” Jack put his index finger to his lips and looked through the movies. “She will be fine. At least she opened up to us. You,” he pointed at me, ”my friend, have got a crush on a relationship virgin.”  
  
“So, what!” I scoffed. “How is that supposed to help me! It will only make her more hesitant.”  
  
“Well,” Zack interrupted, “it could also mean she has similar feelings, but doesn’t know what to do with them.”  
  
“Yeah, right,” I rolled my eyes and slouched against the armrest of one of the two couches in front of the TV, “she will never ever--”  
  
The door opened again and I could hear Rian guide Ash downstairs. As soon as she stood on the floor, she let go of Rian and ran towards where I was sitting, diving right over the armrest. Her shirt had ridden up to her ribs and I could fully see her flat stomach. She was lying right on top of my sitting body. But it wasn’t her stomach that caught my attention. Her stomach was just on my lap, but her butt was right on display for me. What caught me off guard was the thong she was wearing. It wasn’t one of those lacey ones, it was made out of cotton and had a pattern on the black fabric, but her ass looked fucking amazing. I didn’t know she wore thongs. This was just way too much for me.  
  
I looked up at Jack with pleading eyes; I didn’t know what to do. But all he did was give me a thumbs up. What a great friend he was, helping a friend in need. I didn’t want Ash to show me all this without her actually knowing what she was doing. She wasn’t just some girl I liked for her body.  
  
“Umm,” I pulled her shirt down before it could go any higher and show us more, “are you sure you don’t want to wear any pants?”  
  
“Yep,” she shuffled around so only her legs were in my lap and she was lying down with a pillow supporting her head at the opposite armrest.  
  
Her actions caused Zack, Rian, and Jack all to sit on the same couch. I felt pretty bad for them, as that couch was smaller than the one Ash and I were sharing, but Rian gave me a look, telling me it was ok. They probably didn’t want to ruin the ‘moment’ Ash and I were having.  
  
About halfway through the movie, everybody seemed so concentrated and involved with the story, but I didn’t have a clue what was happening. All my focus was on the fact that Ash’s legs were on my lap. I didn’t want to move, afraid that she would move them away, but she allowed me to get more comfortable and put my legs to my side on the couch as well. Since I was a ‘teenage boy with raging hormones’ I had to try my best to not get a boner. The image of her ass was burned into my mind, and I just hoped I wouldn’t cause her to be disgusted.  
  
I hadn’t realized I was drawing shapes on her bare skin until she suddenly giggled. ”That tickles!”  
  
All the eyes in the room went to me and I quickly raised my hands up in defense. I honestly didn’t realize I was doing it. Ash took her legs off me and sat up straight. I thought she was going to stay seated like that, but she took off her bra from underneath her shirt before leaning against me and cuddling into my side. My heart was thumping in my chest, begging to be released. She wrapped an arm around my waist and basically sat in my lap. Internally I was freaking the fuck out, but on the outside I looked like I knew exactly what I was doing and wrapped my own arm around her shoulder.  
  
Holy fucking shit. This was actually happening.


	12. The Body That Switched Their Mood

**Ash’s POV  
**  
I woke up feeling terrible and cold. There was another body pressed against mine and arms were wrapped around me, pulling me close and not letting me escape. I wanted nothing more than some painkillers and a lot of water. So this was what a hangover felt like: slowly dying inside while you regret all the choices you made. I shouldn’t have drank the tequila; I should have started slow and gradually drink stronger things. This was so bad.  
  
I tried getting up, desperately having to use the bathroom as well, but it only earned a groan from the other body. They pulled me back onto their chest and murmured, “don’t go.”  
  
I stiffened up at the voice. Why was I in his arms? Why was he holding me? Why were we this close? Why was I doing all this with Alex! I shot up straight, a sharp pain shooting through my head and the need to throw up growing as time passed. Alex suddenly realised what was going on as well, and sat up as fast as he could, making our foreheads hit.  
  
“Ouch!” I screamed as more pain was added. Alex shouted some profanities at the same time. My head was spinning and my stomach was churning, this wasn’t good.  
  
“Shut up,” Jack whined from the floor and turned around to fall asleep again.  
  
I scrambled to get up and bolted up the stairs, hoping to reach the bathroom in time. The door slammed shut and I skidded across the floor so I wouldn’t miss the toilet. In no time the contents on my stomach were being spewed out and I was desperately trying to keep my hair out of the way. This was so disgusting, I hated throwing up so much. Ugh. If I didn’t hate swearing, I would have been saying quite some rude words right now.  
  
There was a knock on the door after I finally thought I finished, “are you ok in there?”  
  
“Go away, Alex,” I groaned. He was only going to judge me for this. If he saw what was going on, he would always tease me about it. I did not need that, this was embarrassing enough. They probably still knew exactly what I had said, while I don’t remember anything after going to the bathroom before watching the movie.  
  
But he came in anyway, holding a glass of water and something else, “here, take some advil.”  
  
I flushed the toilet and washed my mouth with some water from the sink before gratefully taking the glass of water and red pills from him. Just wanting the terrible headache to away, I hungrily swallowed the medicine and gave the glass back to him, “thank you.”  
  
“No problem,” he smiled shyly.  
  
I smiled back before looking in the mirror. This was the worst I had looked in a while. The shirt I was wearing was way too big for me, my pants were nowhere to be seen, and my hair was a complete mess. Strand of hair were sticking out and other parts were knotted together. How it happened, I didn’t know, but it was certainly going to be very hard to get back to normal.  
  
I turned to Alex and sighed with a chuckle, him giving me a grin back. He insisted that I didn’t look too bad and that he had seen worse, only making me think where and why he would have seen worse. This was really bad. I took a hair tie from my wrist and attempted to put the mess into a ponytail. When I was about to tie it all together, Alex stopped me.  
  
“You forgot a piece,” he lightly grabbed the loose strand next to my face and handed it to me, lingering just a bit longer than he had to. His eye were focused on my face and I was starting to get weirded out by it.  
  
“Umm, can you leave?” I asked him, “I kind of have to use to toilet.”  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah, sure,” he nearly hit the wall while clumsily walking out of the bathroom and almost forgot to close the door.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I had managed to wake up the others while Ash went to use the bathroom. And I made a fucking complete fool of myself. After she looked in the mirror she gave me a look and I actually felt my heart skip a beat. It was like I actually thought I had a chance. So, I pointed out some hair she forgot to put in her ponytail, and actually dared to stroke it away. But my fucking eyes couldn’t leave her face anymore. She still looked beautiful when she had a hangover. But I fucking messed shit up. Ash gave me the weirdest look ever. She definitely didn’t like me the way I liked her. Fucking bullshit.  
  
I didn’t tell Jack, Zack, or Rian about what happened, but they kept giving me weird looks. Maybe it was weird that I wasn’t joining in on their conversation about music - I normally did - maybe it was because my face looked weird. All I could think about was how I fucked up big time and that I wanted to cry. You don’t everyday realise you have literally no chance with the person you really like.  
  
Ash came downstairs looking very pale. She looked at me like she was freaking out and then took a quick glance at the three other boys before settling them back on me. I watched as she took out her phone and texted somebody. Not even a couple of seconds later, my phone buzzed.  
  
Of course Ash was the one who texted me. All it said was ‘we have to go home, now’.  
  
I frowned and texted her back, ‘why?”  
  
‘We just have to go.’  
  
‘But it’s still early.’  
  
‘Alex. Pleeeeaaaasseeee!’  
  
‘Why, though?’  
  
“Ok, what’s going on here,” Jack eyed both of us suspiciously, “we can totally tell you guys are texting each other while you’re in the same room.”  
  
“You know, just casually confessing my love for him,” Ash rolled her eyes and I felt more pressure on my heart. It was going to break any moment now.  
  
“What? Really?”  
  
“No, you airhead,” Ash shrugged and started typing again, “why would I have feelings for Alex?”  
  
Zack’s, Jack’s and Rian’s gazed all shifted to me and they quietly waited for me to react. But I couldn’t. The girl I actually liked for who she was, and not just for her looks, was ripping my heart into little pieces without even knowing it. I was going to have get over her. But part of me knew that wasn’t going to be possible. She had my heart without even wanting it.  
  
My phone buzzed again, ‘just cause.’  
  
I sighed, not wanting her stupid requests right now, ‘no.’  
  
‘Alex, please! I really need to go home!”  
  
‘Well, tell me why!’  
  
‘I can’t.’  
  
‘Just fucking tell me or we are not going.’  
  
“Guys,” Rian spoke up this time, “you are giving each other looks that look like you want to kill each other.”  
  
‘But it’s embarrassing,’ Ash text only got my attention very briefly.  
  
“If she will fucking tell me why, I’ll stop looking at her like this!” I glared at Ash, hatred pouring from my eyes and turning into daggers.  
  
“What is this even about?” Zack asked both of us.  
  
“Well, she’s not fucking telling me why she-”  
  
I got another text, one which I didn’t expect, ‘I got my period and don’t have anything I can use.’  
  
“Oh…” I turned off my phone and stopped my shouting, “homework? Seriously?”  
  
Ash gave me a very confused look and I tried to tell her to play along by widening my eyes. When she finally got it her mouth shaped an ‘o’ form before she replied, “yeah…”  
  
“Ok, fine,” I got off the couch and looked at Jack, “well, we better get going. I don’t want my mom going all crazy again because I prevent Ash from doing her homework.”  
  
“Oh, uhh, ok?” Jack raised an eyebrow at me, “I guess we’ll see you on Monday then?”  
  
“Yep,” I collected my stuff and saw that Ash had already changed into her jeans and t-shirt from the day before, “see you later.”  
  
Without saying another word, I beelined to the front door with Ash. I didn’t know how this shit worked. Was she going to be full of blood or something? Could she just keep it in? I didn’t fucking know.  
  
“Are you going to be ok?” I asked her after stepping out of the house.  
  
“Yeah,” she nodded, “thanks… for doing this for me and not telling the others.”  
  
But my actions didn’t even make her consider liking me back. This was always going to be one sided, and nothing would change that.  
  
“You better fucking be grateful for that.”


	13. The Boy's Period Which Synced Up With The Girl's

**Ash’s POV**  
  
Alex had been acting like nothing but a jerk since I asked him to leave Jack’s house early so he could bring me home. It was Sunday and I had finished all my homework except for a poster I had to make for Drama class. But I was finishing that off now. We had to research some weird play and make an A3 poster for it. It was getting graded, though, so I was going to make sure it looked amazing.  
  
I had everything printed out and had already made a drawing for the background, but I needed glue. And of course I didn’t have any glue in my room. I had to go to the study and get it there. Normally, I wouldn’t mind getting it, but Alex had been walking up and down the hallway constantly. Originally, I decided to wait until he finished and disappeared into his room, but he just kept going and going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I had to get the glue if I still wanted some free time. So, I took my chances and just went out of my room and to the stairs to get to the study.  
  
Alex’s eyes looked red and he was muttering something to himself; it was like he had been crying. He made brief eye contact with me before stopping and freezing on the spot. I rolled my eyes and pushed past him, not caring if I hit his shoulder with mine in the process. It was his fault he was literally standing in the middle of the corridor. I just blantely ignored him. If he was going to be some sort of idiot, I wasn’t going to care about him either.  
  
After getting the glue and a pair of scissors that was bigger than the one I had, I quickly went to the kitchen to make myself a hot water bottle. Sometimes I could get these stupid craps that would just make me want to throw up. It was definitely the worst feeling in the world. Going back to my bedroom, I bumped into Alex again and still continued to ignore him. But this time he didn’t just leave it be.  
  
I belly flopped onto my bed, getting another one of those stomach churning cramps. After curling into a ball, I managed to put the warm life saver securely against my belly. All I wanted was to hide away for a while until the pain had left. But no. Alex had to come and ruin it.  
  
After stomping around the hallway for a bit more, he ran into my room with loud footsteps and glared at me, “what the actual fuck is your problem!”  
  
“What?” I groaned and felt like I was going to faint from the pain.  
  
“You’re ignoring me and literally acting as if I’m invisible!” He slammed the door closed.  
  
“Oh, yeah, that,” I wrapped my blanket tightly around myself and got myself in a position a cat would be lying down in.  
  
“Well, what the fuck is your problem!”  
  
“I don’t know, Alex,” I sneered, “what is my problem?”  
  
“Hey, I can’t read your mind,” he threw his hands up in the air in frustration, “you will have to tell me.”  
  
“You’re the one who brings me the advil and makes sure I’m ok, then has a random mood switch and tells me to ‘better be grateful’. You said you weren’t going to act like that. But you do! You act like an… an… an…”  
  
“Come on!” Alex yelled, “just say it!”  
  
“Like an asshole!” I threw one of my pillows at him. My period was probably making me overreact, but I would have been upset anyway, so I didn’t really regret it.  
  
“Hell yes, I;ve been!” he screamed one more time before slumping against the wall and sliding down it. He put his head in his hands and murmured, “I have been…”  
  
The door suddenly swung open and Isobel and Peter looked at us angrily, “what is going on in here!”  
  
“I think our periods might have synced up,” I mumbled and got more comfortable my pulling the duvet further over my head.  
  
“Ok, I’m out,” Peter heard my comment and chuckled before walking out.  
  
Isobel came into the bedroom and closed the door. She took a seat next to me and sighed, “ok, serious talk right now. What is wrong with you guys. One minute you’re friends, the next you are yelling at each other and throwing pillows,” she picked up the pillow from the floor and put it back on my bed.  
  
“I think I might be bipolar,” Alex looked up at his mom, completely terrified.  
  
“No Alex, you are not,” Isobel reassured him, “we already had you tested for that. They found out what it was, don’t freak yourself out.”  
  
“Plus, that’s not what being bipolar is like,” I added quietly, “I know somebody who is bipolar, in case you were wondering. It’s different.”  
  
Alex looked up at me and frowned, trying to read my eyes and figure out who I meant. But I wasn’t going to tell him. It was another one of my secrets; one I didn’t tell them during the Q&A session with him, Harper, and Lianne. My life was full of secrets, yet it didn’t seem like it was. Being a quiet person had its advantages and disadvantages. I didn’t know whether this was a benefit or limitation.  
  
“Well, ok,” Isobel broke the uncomfortable silence, “why were you guys shouting at each other?”  
  
“It’s my fault,” Alex mumbled and looked at his hands, “something happened and I’m bringing it all out on Ash.”  
  
“Does it involve me?” I asked carefully, hoping I hadn’t caused all of this.  
  
Alex didn’t answer and instead sighed and lowered his head. Great. This was all my fault. I did something without realising it and now he was mad at me because of it. Did I do something stupid while I was drunk?  
  
“I’ll let you guys talk it out, I don’t want to get in between this,” Isobel smiled and walked out silently, closing the door very softly.  
  
“What did I do wrong?” I asked after staying quiet for a couple of seconds. If I wanted to fix this, I was going to have to know what was going on.  
  
Alex breathed out loudly and raked his fingers through his hair, making it messy and stick out in weird places. It didn’t seem like he was going to answer, but I was going to give him some time. The cogs in his brain were turning and trying to figure out, but nothing was being produced. I was about to give up, when he suddenly opened his mouth, yet still didn’t look up at me, “it’s just some girl problems.”  
  
“Oh,” was this really everything? Why was he getting mad at me though? But he seemed to distressed about it, “maybe I could help?”  
  
“I don’t think so…”  
  
“Hey, I can always try.”  
  
“Ok,” Alex looked uncomfortable and shifted his position so his legs were stretched out in front of him, “there’s this girl I like, but I know for a fact she doesn’t like me back the same way. She hasn’t noticed how I act around her, so she probably doesn’t know. I got rejected without even saying anything.”  
  
“Oh, well, umm,” Alex was right, I didn’t exactly know what to do, but I could still give him terrible advice, “how long have you had those feelings?”  
  
Alex’s eyes snapped up and he froze, like I said something I wasn’t supposed to, “Umm, a couple of weeks… I guess… A bit after the school year started.”  
  
I chuckled, and he looked hurt, but I wasn’t trying to upset him, “that’s not been long at all. She’s probably way too busy with getting back into the whole school routine to realise you have feelings for her and for her too feel anything back.”  
  
“Well, she literally said she didn’t like me,” Alex spat and was getting ready to punch the nearest object.  
  
“Because she hasn’t had the time to consider it yet,” I tried to convince him, really trying to fix our friendship, “just start out with being just friends with her. You will find out if your feelings are actually real, or just something you believed you had. If you are around a lot more, she might even start developing feelings for you. Don’t give up yet.”  
  
“I doubt it will work, but ok. I’ll see how it goes. At least she’ll be a friend.”  
  
“Exactly. Now, can we also be friends again?”  
  
“Friends,” Alex smiled and shook the hand I struggled to get out of the blanket hugging my body.  
  
We sat there is silence for a bit more, just calming down and thinking about random things. My body was still trying to rip itself apart and it was making me very nauseous. The pain made me want to throw up, but I was too comfortable and in too much discomfort to stand up and rush all the way to the bathroom. I looked around to try and distract me, and found Alex staring at me with a half-smile.  
  
I raised my eyebrows at him, and he pointed at me, “you look very cute wrapped in a duvet like that.”  
  
“Well, I feel like my guts are being stabbed, which is not very cute,” I groaned.  
  
“Do you need me to get you anything?”  
  
I moved the duvet so it wasn’t protecting me from the outside world anymore, and lied down properly. Alex sucked his lips in and frowned, confused about what I was doing. But when I raised the cover up on one side and motioned for him to join me, he finally got it. He rushed to stand up and lied down beside me, asking me if I was ok with him wrapping his arms around me before doing it.  
  
I just wanted a friend to comfort me right now. Normally, Charley would crawl into bed with me and stay with me while I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside. He didn’t know what was going on, and he was the youngest of us all, but he was also the only one that would actually be concerned about me when I moaned, ate tonnes of chocolate, and hid in my room.  
  
For now a friend would have to do; Alex would have to do.


	14. A Cuddle and a Kiss

**Alex’s POV**  
  
My heart was beating so fast and I just hoped that the body that was pressed up against mine couldn’t feel it. When I asked Ash if she needed anything, I didn’t exactly expect her to ask me to comfort her. We were lying down on her bed, covers on top of us, her back against my chest, and her butt right against the one part I really didn’t need it right now. I tried moving slightly so that if anything happened, she wouldn’t notice.  
  
“If you’re going to get a boner, please leave now,” She mumbled with her eyes closed.  
  
I froze and just begged nothing was going to happen, before whispering something in her ear. I quoted her, “you know, masturbating is supposed to help with period pains. I guess sex could work as well.”  
  
And why the fuck did I say that shit! When I wanted more confidence, I didn’t want to sound like some fucking douche! What the fuck even came over me! I couldn’t just say that shit to her. She wasn’t one of those types of girls. Great job, Alex, you fucked up once again. Just when things were getting better, you made them worse.  
  
“Eww,” Ash scrunched up her nose, taking my comment more like a joke. At least she didn’t know how much I actually meant it.  
  
“I’m just trying to help,” I said in defense, still ‘joking’, “you know, this is the first time I’ve ever cuddled with a girl who’s on her period.”  
  
“Nice to know I’m one of your firsts,” she turned around so we were now chest-to-chest, her face just inches away from mine, our breathing becoming once, “I didn’t think it was possible. But then again, you probably disappear before the girl even notices anything happened.”  
  
“Ouch,” I showed fake hurt and pouted, “that hurt… but it’s true…” I couldn’t resist but move some hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. This time she actually didn’t seem weirded out by it, like last time. Maybe there still was a small chance.  
  
“This is the first time I actually cuddled with any guy ever that’s not my family,” she told me with a smile.  
  
I still couldn’t believe she never had a romantic or sexual relationship with anybody before. She was just so beautiful, funny, nice, and just overall amazing. It made no sense that nobody ever decided to give her a chance. I would literally drop everything to go on just one date with her. She deserved to be loved, and I really wanted to be that person.  
  
“Maybe I could be more of your firsts,” I smirked, causing her to groan and sloppily hit my face.  
  
“I’m not going to rush to get all that stuff done,” she explained after retracting her hand, “when I find somebody I’m comfortable with, I’ll do it. But not just some random guy. So, stop oppressing me!”  
  
“I was just kidding,”  
  
“You might be, but I’m not.”  
  
“I’m just messing this all up,” I sighed out loud accidentally. But what was said couldn’t be taken back, and I was going to act like I totally meant to say it.  
  
“No, you’re not,” she giggled the cutest way ever, “I just like messing with you. You are trying too hard to not mess up this friendship, aren’t you?”  
  
I blushed, thinking of a good way to say this, “well, I think you are really awesome, and I want to be your friend. So far, I’ve only been hurting you and fucking everything up.”  
  
“Don’t say that,” she frowned.  
  
“No, it’s true. I fucking fucked this shit up!”  
  
“No! Not that! The swear words!” Ash covered her ears and closed her eyes.  
  
If it weren’t for my brain freezing and me being really nervous around this girl, I would have kissed her right there and then. She wouldn’t have expected it and wouldn’t have been able to stop me before our lips actually touched. Maybe she would kiss me back and things would start getting heated after a while. I would climb on top of her and let my hands travel and explore her body. Hearts beating fast and breathing becoming labored. Our shirts would come off and-  
  
“I’ll just act like I can’t feel it,” Ash awkwardly shuffled a bit away from me.  
  
“What?” Before I could ask any more questions I could feel, myself, what she was talking about. I should not have thought about everything we could have been doing… The one thing I hoped wouldn’t happen, happened.  
  
Ash got out of my grip when things started getting worse. She giggled and left me under the covers while she got her phone from her desk. I was going to question her about what she was doing, but I already got an answer.  
  
“Oh no, I now have cooties! I need to call an expert!” She tapped something on her phone and dial tones were heard over the loudspeaker.  
  
A scream that was heard when the phone was answered, immediately signified me that she had called Jack. He eventually calmed down and just said a casual ‘hey’. That guy really was a spaz, but he was also my best friends. Now I just needed to figure out why she called him!  
  
“Jack, I need your help,” Ash said with laughs in between, trying to keep her face straight.  
  
“Why do you need my help?” Jack’s voice sounded so confused, “not that I don’t mind helping, but…”  
  
“You see, Alex just gave me cooties and he looks like he really doesn’t care. What do I do?”  
  
Jack gasped and inhaled very loudly, “Did he kiss you!”  
  
Ash’s face scrunched up and looked at me like Jack was the craziest person ever, “umm, no…? Why would he do that?”  
  
“Umm… I don’t know?” His voice obviously squeaked.  
  
“Ok… well, it’s much much worse,” Ash overexaggerated.  
  
“What did he do?”  
  
“Well, you see, we were on my bed and-”  
  
“Don’t you fucking dare!” I screamed and threw the covers off myself, exposing me and my boner, before running up to her and trying to grab the phone away from her.  
  
“It’s touching me again,” she squealed and pointed at the tent in my sweatpants that was touching her leg.  
  
I jumped away and blushed. Oh god. There was nothing worse than having your crush see your boner and having her touch it accidentally and her being there while it’s happening, without her having any intention of doing something with it. During sex, it would be great, but in situations like this, it was basically the death of me.  
  
“I think the only way you can get rid of the cooties is by kissing him,” Jack said, trying to be the best worst wingman ever.  
  
“I’m fine having cooties,” Ash hung up the phone and laughed while putting it down.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I pouted.  
  
“You know. The whole thing about waiting to be comfortable with somebody before doing all that.”  
  
“Yep, I forgot about that for a second,” I shook my head, “now Jack will never let me live this down. Thank you.”  
  
“It’s not that big of a deal, just go fix it,” she pushed me out of her room before kissing my cheek.  
  
Holy fucking shit. She fucking kissed my cheek! Holy fuck! Maybe I did have a chance. Yes!  
  
“Umm, Alex?” My mom was standing just a couple of feet away from me with a laundry basket in her hands and looked down and the thing that was proudly sticking up between my legs.  
  
“Mom!” I whined and ran into my bedroom, being embarrassed as fuck.


	15. Showing Off a Little Skin Gets the Boys Going

**Alex’s POV**  
  
Gym class. The wonderful time in the week where guys get to stare at girls’ butts and watch them without being too creepy. Boobs bounced around and asses jiggled. It was basically a boy’s wet dream. Normally I joined everybody else, and drooled over every girl that had a good body, but this time I could only focus on her. Yes, the one you expected: Ash. But, come on, she was just perfect.  
  
We were outside playing soccer and most of the class was sitting out on the bleachers while the rest of the class was actually playing a game. Secretly I wished to be on Ash’s team, but that didn’t happen. I wasn’t even ever going to play against her! It was fucking bullshit. This just wasn’t fair. How was I going to catch her attention if I was always separated from her? After the short conversation we had when my mom and dad came to check what we were shouting about, I knew for sure that Ash didn’t have feelings for me and that she didn’t realise I was head over heels for her. She was giving me advice like a friend, not like somebody who hoped it was about them or somebody being awkward because they knew it was about them. All I was was a friend. Nothing more, but maybe something less. And it was just so fucking annoying.  
  
I watched as the teacher blew the whistle for a foul and Ash ran back to her team’s side of the field. She ran her finger through her hair and started putting it up in a ponytail. Her muscle shirt rode up a bit and the light was hitting her at just the right angle. The black running shorts and the gray hoes she was wearing were toning her legs perfectly. Before I met her, I would have said it was just simply hot, but she was just completely and utterly beautiful.  
  
“I know, right, Gaskarth?” One of the popular jocks, Edward, sat next to me, “she’s quite a view.”  
  
“I guess,” I shrugged and looked down before I realized what I was doing, “I mean, uh, yeah, very hot. I would bang her any day.”  
  
“You had me scared there for a moment,” Edward let out a breathy laugh, “thought you might have changed your mind and started rooting for the other team. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I mean, I totally support you if you are gay. It would make sense. I won’t judge.”  
  
I gave him a disconcerted and shaken look, “what the fuck! I’m not gay! What do you mean ‘it would make sense’!”  
  
Everybody around us looked at me and I realized I had shouted a bit too loud. But what was this guy’s problem? He had no right to just assume those things about me. Sure, people would often joke about me being gay, but he was actually being serious. And yes, I was probably overreacting. But come on. I was not gay!  
  
“Are you sure about that, baby?” Jack shouted in his most feminine voice from the other side of the bleachers.  
  
“In your wildest dreams!” I scoffed at him and turned back to look at Ash playing soccer on the field.  
  
She was like a natural. I didn’t know she could play soccer, but she was definitely like a pro. With the ball right in front of her to kick off, she ran up, her hair bouncing up and down in her ponytail, and kicked the ball all the way to the opposite side of the field. Holy fucking shit. She was only getting better and better. I wasn’t going to be able to wait long enough for her to feel something back.  
  
The teacher called for a break and I felt somebody hit my chest, having forgotten that Edward was still next to me. He stood up while telling me what he was going to do, “I’m going to see if I can ask her out.”  
  
Before I could even think of a reason to prevent him from asking, he was jumping off the bleachers and running up to her. I cringed when I saw Ash turn around to listen to him. Why couldn’t I just have the same confidence he had? Ash would have been mine by now. My heart ached when I saw her nod and run up to me. Great. I didn’t even have a chance anymore.  
  
“Feel the sweat!” She grinned and gave me a hug, making sure she made me feel the stickiness.  
  
“Eww,” I made a face and scrunched up my nose, “now I have to call my mom and tell her I have cooties. I will be a disgrace.”  
  
“Am I really that disgusting?” She sat down next to me and laughed.  
  
“Not as bad as Zack after we finish playing a show,” I shivered at the sweat that was able to come off that boy, “but, in all seriousness, how are you that good at playing soccer!”  
  
“I’m not good,” Ash shook her head and gulped some water from my water bottle, “the other people just aren’t,” she looked for a word, “that _good_.”  
  
“You mean they are complete and utter shit,” I laughed, but stopped when I became conscious of what I said. Ash didn’t like swearing-  
  
She chuckled, “yeah, I guess. I’m just used to playing against soccer girls who fanatically play soccer outside of school. All I do is play it with my brothers.”  
  
“Well, you’re pretty good at it, you should consider joining the girls’ soccer team.”  
  
“No… That would mean less time to play the piano.”  
  
I smiled and watched as she looked out over the shabby green grass. It was quite fascinating to see someone who was just as fanatic about music as I was. But with her it was still different. Music made me happy, energetic, and hyper. Ash was more calm and relaxed when she talked about and played music. Yet it was still perfect. Sometimes I would sit in the hallway at home just to hear her play the electric piano we put in her room. She wouldn’t put it loud enough for me to hear it in my own room, but I loved every note she played.  
  
Our daydreaming was interrupted by Edward standing next to us, getting rid of the sun in our faces.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t want to go out with me?” He asked Ash before she could even look up at him.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she gave him a sympathetic smile and looked back out at the field, probably imagining some song being written in her head.  
  
“Ok, then…” Edward looked at her for a bit longer before awkwardly walking off and kicking a trash can.  
  
“He’s not really used to being rejected,” I pointed my thumb in the direction he had gone in.  
  
Ash bounced her leg up and down and fumbled around with her fingers before whispering, “number four.” She stood up and left without another word, leaving me confused and alone.  
  
What was number four? And why did she just leave me? At least she didn’t say yes to Edward. But she was just such a confusing person. I didn’t know how I was ever going to have her realize the way I felt for her.  
  
\----  
  
Ash actually decided to join me, Jack, and Rian, for lunch today. Harper, nor Lianne joined her, which was pretty surprising. They were always together and you could barely separate them during free periods and lunch time. It was so weird. Three different girls from different groups became best friends all because of one of them. But now it was just one of them: Ash, the other two nowhere to be seen.  
  
We sat down, Ash opposite from me, and got our lunches out. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow, “where’s Harper and Lianne?”  
  
“Their last class got canceled,” she shrugged and put her bag down on the floor, “they asked me if I wanted to join them now for lunch in town, but I didn’t feel up for it.”  
  
“Oh, ok,” I nodded. At least they didn’t have some fallout or something. That would have been pretty bad. I was not good with girl drama.  
  
Ash and I started unpacking our lunch. We had leftover burritos from the night before, which Ash and my dad made together. And boy, did they taste fucking good. It was, like, just holy shit. Well, shit might not be the right word, but you know what I mean. They were just that fucking good! I took a big bite and was immediately hit with a food orgasm.  
  
Ash was about to bite into her as well, when something caught her attention. I followed her gaze and saw she was looking at Jack, who was sitting next to her, and was drooling while staring at the wonderful godly food she was holding. She sighed and handed Jack the burrito before sliding over the tray with food he had. Jack took a large bite and groaned while he closed his eyes, having had a similar reaction to me. Except, he took it a step further.  
  
He took another bite and chewed slowly before swallowing the big piece. He stood up and shouted, “I just wanna fuck this burrito!”  
  
The whole cafeteria looked at him and some students laughed. Ash took hold of his empty hands and slowly pulled him down, “shh, it’s ok, no need to get physically attracted to it.”  
  
“But it’s so beautiful,” Jack whined and pouted.  
  
“It’s ok,” she patted his shoulder and reached out for the burrito, “now give me it, I also want one bite.”  
  
Jack handed it to her and Ash took a bite. Like an actual bite. Not a girly I-only-eat-salads bite. She handed it back to Jack and wiped her mouth, getting rid of all the grease, before chuckling, “now I’m going to have to eat this weird… what is this actually?”  
  
“I really don’t know,” Jack shook his head, having devoured half of the burrito already.  
  
“Ugh, now I regret trading my food with you.”  
  
“You could always kiss me to get the taste of this amazing burrito,” he joked and smirked.  
  
“I might actually consider it,” Ash laughed and started eating whatever the school lunch was supposed to be.  
  
I felt the worst pang of jealousy soar through me. She was acting the way I wanted her to act around me, with Jack. This was really not going well. She was actually thinking about kissing him! That was supposed to be me! I had to say something… But I stayed quiet instead. I couldn’t do anything. All I did was eat my burrito in silence. What made it worse was what happened next.  
  
“Go for it, then,” Jack smirked at her, completely forgetting about my presence and feelings.  
  
Ash actually shuffled over, grabbed his face and kissed him on his cheek. But not just on his cheek; it was literally just a couple of cells away from the corner of his mouth. I cringed inside and felt my heart crush.  
  
She sat back properly and grinned at his shocked face, “that’s all I can give you.”  
  
I gave Jack the what-the-fuck-are-you-being-serious eyes, but he was just as stunned as I was and raised his shoulders back at me. But he probably couldn’t see the envy I was desperately trying to hold back. Ash rarely came close to me, let alone kissed me on the cheek. I was going to have to be nicer and become a much better friend to her before anything could happen. But there was only more being added onto my pain.  
  
Another random guy came up to us - well, mainly Ash, but still. He nodded at us and then started talking to Ash, “so, you’ve been here for quite long now, and I hope you’ve settled in. And I was just wondering if you’d like to go out sometime?”  
  
What the actual fuck! This was the second time already! Why couldn’t guys just leave her be and give me a chance as well… not that I was planning on asking her out any time soon. But still. I didn’t want her being asked out by any other guy. Wait. What was I even thinking! She was supposed to do whatever she wanted. I didn’t have any say in that. But jealousy just makes you think weird things.  
  
“Um, sorry, no. I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. I’m sorry,” Ash answered and went back to her food without giving the guy a second chance. He muttered an ‘ok’ and walked off back to his friends.  
  
“Number ten,” Ash murmured and shook her head before looking up at us, “is it ‘Ask Ash Out Day’ today or something?”  
  
My eyes nearly popped out of my skull, “10 guys have asked you out already!”  
  
“Well, one girl has, and surprisingly she was the only one I actually didn’t get annoyed by. I might actually contemplate going out with her, she seemed nice.”  
  
“That’s hot,” Jack blurted out.  
  
“I didn’t say we will take our clothes off and start kissing,” Ash gave him a disgusted face, “I just said going out. And it was a joke anyways. But who knows, now I might do it.”  
  
“Really?” I asked, hoping she was continuing her joke.  
  
“I don’t know,” she started to gather all her stuff together, “remember, you guys forced me to tell you about my lack of experience. I could just as well like girls as I like guys. But seriously, though. At home, everybody seemed to just ignore me, and here everybody just wants me. What is wrong with the people here?”  
  
“More like what is wrong with the people there,” Rian scoffed, not denying he also acknowledged Ash being pretty hot, “but I guess it’s because guys here can’t stand the idea knowing there’s a type of girl, or just a girl in general, that they haven’t banged or at least kissed.”  
  
“Very true,” Jack confirmed.  
  
“Okay, then… I’m just going to try and think of a better answer to reject guys with,” she stood up and picked up the tray after swinging her bag on her back.  
  
“Hey, where are you going, we still have 10 minutes?” I asked, not wanting to lose her company just yet.  
  
“Does that really matter?” She retorted and left without giving me a good answer.  
  
I frowned and started packing all my things as well. Ash was walking out of the cafeteria and I made sure to keep looking at her, not being able to afford to have her leave my sight. Something in me just wasn’t going to leave my question unanswered. I started getting up, but Rian stopped me.  
  
“And where do you think you’re going?” He held onto my arm.  
  
“To follow her. She never answers questions with another question unless it’s sarcastic.”  
  
“I think we have a stalker here!” Jack giggled and pointed at me.  
  
“I’m just concerned, I’m not being a stalker,” I ripped my arm from Rian’s grip and started rushing behind her. This could look very wrong like I was following her to have some fun, if you know what I mean. But that really wasn’t the intention.  
  
I watched as she disappeared into the music classroom. Nobody was in the hall, everybody enjoying their time away from the classrooms. I quickly got closer and heard the piano being played. A second later John walked out. Over the years I had been here, he had grown to be one of my favorite teachers. He was just really cool about everything and actually made jokes that were funny… unlike some teachers.  
  
He stopped when he saw me waiting outside, “oh, Alex! You’re here early. You can go in if you want, just don’t disturb Ash.”  
  
“Ok, thanks,” I smiled and quickly slipped into the classroom without making any noise. I watched Ash play from where I was standing.  
  
She had stopped playing and was scribbling on something I could only assume were notes. After furiously crossing something out and calming adding something new, she put the pencil down and placed her fingers elegantly onto the white and black keys. [She took a deep breath and started playing something with deep notes, which turned into a flowing melody that seemed calming.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JIdJLkJ0S4) But the occasional flat or sharp and the key gave it an eerie atmosphere. She moved along with the louder and faster notes and calmed down when things got softer and lighter. Her eyes slipped shut occasionally and I was mesmerized by the beautiful music that fit so perfectly with the girl. Everything went back to the dark deep notes, but the piece ended with a feathery light touch. There was something that just made me think of a young girl running through a dark forest in the middle of the night while strange things are lurking. But the girl is too innocent to notice. Ash took her hands off the keys and smiled to herself.  
  
“That was really good,” I gasped and approached her.  
  
Ash jumped and looked at me with wide eyes, “you scared me!”  
  
“I’m sorry,” I chuckled and put my bag down in the seat I normally sat before I went up onto the platform the piano rested on. There was enough space of the stool for me to sit on, so I took this chance to be close to Ash.  
  
She grabbed the pencil and drew a couple more notes on two lines, “it’s finished now.”  
  
I looked at the sheet and saw a title, “Insanity?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s for my brother, Kayden. It’s about him,” she said absentmindedly.  
  
“That’s the ten-year-old, right?” I asked, and she nodded, “why is is so scary and why call it insanity, though?”  
  
Before Ash could answer, the bell went and kids started rushing in. I was left seated all alone since Ash collected all her paper and went to her normal seat. She really was a mystery.


	16. The Worst Best Entrance Ever

**Alex’s POV  
**  
Another art class, another day on working on this stupid poster. Rian was the most useless partner ever. You see, he was the math/science kid, while I was the more arty kid. Sure, he could play the drums, but that was about it. He had good grades and actually still cared about school. But he just couldn’t do art. It was getting pretty frustrating.  
  
Luckily, Ash and Lianne were still sitting in the same spot as all the other times. So I could still freely stare at Ash by just looking up. It would just look like I was staring ahead, but I was actually watching the most beautiful girl in the world. At least her partner was also drawing and working on the poster. Rian did his best, but it just didn’t work out. But Ash just looked so cute when she was drawing. Occasionally her hair would fall in front of her face and she’d calmly push it back, not taking her pencil or eyes off the paper. Then she would also sometimes smile after Lianne would say something. Observing this girl was just so amazing.  
  
“You know, maybe we should just print out a picture of Ash and stick it on,” Rian brought me out of my daydream.  
  
“Why would we do that?” I continued drawing the cartoon boy on the left side of the paper.  
  
“Because you were just staring at her for ten minutes straight,” Rian shrugged and watched me doodle.  
  
“So what?” I scoffed.  
  
“Just ask her out already!” He whisper-shouted and nudged me.  
  
I rolled my eyes and started coloring in between the black lines, “well, she doesn’t like me back. So there’s no point.”  
  
“How are you so sure about that?”  
  
“She literally told me. I was even able to tell her how I felt about the whole situation without saying it was about her. I thought it was pretty obvious I was talking about her, but she didn’t seem to notice. She even gave me advice, like what the fuck!”  
  
“So, just follow her advice and see where it takes you,” Rian told me like I hadn’t thought of it myself.  
  
“That’s what I’m doing,” I groaned, not wanting to talk about this anymore.  
  
“So she told you to be a stalker and creep from a distance?”  
  
“No, you dipshit! Start off being friends and then see if I still like her and see if she likes me. After getting to know me better, she might feel the same way.”  
  
“Oh… yeah. I’m pretty sure things will turn out ok. I mean-”  
  
“Wooo! Harper!” The girl with the blush pink hair, and the one with the beautiful dark blonde hair screamed out.  
  
I looked up to see the two girls clapping for their friend who had just entered the classroom to get some art supplies for another class. People around them also looked up and started giggling. It must have been the best entrance Harper had ever made.  
  
The old woman, who was supposed to be our teacher, and who’s name I never could remember, suddenly shouted, “girls, you’re disturbing the class!”  
  
Asha and Lianne immediately stopped and looked at each other, trying their best not to laugh. But their attempt did not really work. They both burst out laughing and the teacher glared at them, saying their names out loud to get them to stop. However, Lianne and Ash had some troubles and would occasionally giggle. They were definitely disturbing the class, but I didn't care. At least I got to see and hear her beautiful laugh again.  
  
Harper got the supplies she needed and walked past her two friends again, but not before giving them a note. Lianne looked at the note while Ash opened it. They were discussing something and looked at me before Ash stood up and walked in my direction. She walked around and behind me, dropping the piece of paper on our poster, before continuing to the pencils and choosing one. I picked it up and quickly opened it.  
  
“What does it say?” Rian said, probably a lot more excited than I was.  
  
“I don’t know!” I fumbled with the paper, “let me unfold it first!”  
  
“Ok,” Rian waited until the writing was visible, “so what does it say?”  
  
“Umm…” I read over the text before I said anything out loud, “Harper’s parents aren’t home, her brother is going to stay at a friend's house, she wants them to come over after school to hang out and to ‘ask Alex and his friends if they want to come as well’.”  
  
“Why would she ask you to come as well? Does she want to sleep with you?” Rian questioned.  
  
“No,” I sighed, knowing this was part of Harper’s ‘master plan’; a plan I knew nothing about, but just knew it existed.  
  
“Did you already sleep with her?”  
  
“Yes, but that’s not why,” I told him without thinking.  
  
“What the fuck!” Rian pushed my side, “when!”  
  
“It was a long time ago,” I shrugged off, not mentioning anything about us apparently almost doing it a second time, “but Harper knows.”  
  
“Knows what?”  
  
“What’s with the questions!” I snapped.  
  
Rian raised his hands up in defense, “I’m just asking.”  
  
“She knows about my, as you like to call it, crush.”  
  
“Oh,” Rian nodded before his eyes went wide with realization, “oooh! That’s why she wants us to come over! Well forget band practice today, we’ll hang out with them. We will catch up with practice tomorrow.”  
  
“Are you sure?” I asked him skeptically.  
  
“Yeah,” he nodded, “we’ll tell Jack and text Zack later.”  
  
“Ok,” I looked and Ash and Lianne, who were looking at me for an answer. I gave them a thumbs up, getting a grin back from the girl I liked so much.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
After driving past Towson High and picking up Zack, we went to Harper’s house. In case you were wondering, the guys were all driving with Alex, and Lianne and I went with Harper. There were too many people to fit in one car, and Alex and I wouldn’t be able to get to school the next day if we didn’t have a car. Well, unless we wanted to walk, but there was no way Alex would be able to wake up fifteen minutes earlier than normal.  
  
Harper’s house was huge. It was in one of those gated off communities, something you rarely found in Germany. I was used to being in a very large house, but the four guys obviously weren’t. Sure, they had been here before for parties, but the house would be completely packed. Now they nearly had the whole house to themselves.  
  
“Just make yourself at home,” Harper threw her keys on a small table close to the front door, “we’ll go out to the back in a bit.”  
  
“Umm, ok,” Rian seemed so amazed by the size of everything.  
  
I went with Harper to the kitchen to get us some snacks and something to drink. She got out seven beers and gave them all to me. Goosebumps raised as soon as the cool glass touched my skin. It was warm outside, much warmer than what I was used to, and I couldn’t wait to jump into the pool she had in the backyard.  
  
We all went out to the back and sat on the lounge foldable beach chair things they had around the pool. Of course, we first moved them so we would sit closer to each other. I was going to sit down somewhere, but Harper somehow managed to get me to move up all the way to one end so that only Alex was sitting next to me. I was here to hang out with all my friends, not just the guy that I basically spend most of my weeks with because he was literally just a couple of meters away from me.  
  
I handed one of the beers I had put on a plastic table to Alex, “don’t drink too much, you’re my ride home.”  
  
“Oh, so you’re thinking of taking me home, now, are you?” Alex winked before frowning at his beer, “we need a bottle opener.”  
  
I tried getting Harper’s attention, but she kept ignoring me and was talking with the others. They were totally excluding us right now. Why would they do that! I sighed and fell back onto the chair. But I really wanted to drink the beer, believe it or not. After Jack had made me drink tequila, I was totally open for alcohol. If I could handle that, I could handle anything.  
  
I looked around to see if I could find anything to open them with, but there was literally nothing. So what did I do? I just knocked it against the chair, and the cap came off. Alex looked just as surprised as I was. He let out an amused and amazed chuckled and I took his bottle to try it with that one as well.  
  
“Let’s see if I can do it again,” I tried using the same method, and somehow I actually managed to do it a second time.  
  
Alex started hollering and I threw my hands up in the air, letting out a triumphant cry. That definitely suddenly gave me all the attention from the group of friends that were ignoring me just a couple of seconds before. Alex and I were laughing and they were just looking at us with grins on their faces  
  
“What happened?” Jack asked and smirked.  
  
“I just managed to open these two beer bottles on the chair,” I held up my bottle and Alex did the same.  
  
Harper giggled, “you know we have a bottle opener, here, right?”  
  
“Well, you guys were ignoring me, so I didn’t know!”  
  
“Aww, wewe we ignowing wou?” Jack said in a baby voice and pouted.  
  
I glared at him, “yes, and I know you were doing it on purpose because I made eye contact with Rian and Zack, but they didn’t do anything!”  
  
“So upsetting.”  
  
“Did anybody ever tell you that you are really annoying?”  
  
Jack thought for a bit, “yep.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and sat down on the chair. Jack really didn’t understand, did he? Some people might like him, but he can be the most annoying human being ever… if you could even call him a human being. I could swear to god he was an alien or something. That boy just couldn’t be of the same species.  
  
However, sitting back down maybe wasn’t the best idea, because they all started ignoring and excluding me and Alex again. I sighed and looked at him, “I swear to god, it’s like they are forcing me to only talk to you.”  
  
Alex froze up, “haha, yeah… that’s a weird idea.”  
  
I shrugged, not thinking anything of his weird response, “oh well, at least I have someone to talk to.”  
  
“You don’t like talking to me?” Alex frowned and looked at his hands.  
  
I didn’t want him to be upset. For some reason, I actually wanted to be his friend. Hopefully even be good friends. Even though he could be really annoying and awkward, sometimes he would act normal and he was actually really nice. One minute he’d be talking like a normal person and laughing with me, and the next he would stumble over his words. It was pretty confusing, but then again everybody here was pretty confusing.  
  
“No, of course, I do,” I smiled at him, “you know, I’d actually like to be friends, I mean we do have to live in the same house for another while.”  
  
He looked up at me and his eyes twinkled, “really? I’d like to. We do have to be civilized with each other until Christmas, but I like the idea of being good friends a lot more.”  
  
“Until Christmas,’ I nodded and took a sip of my beer.  
  
“Yeah… until Christmas…” Alex looked out over the large garden, zoning out while thinking about something.  
  
“So, how’s the pursuing-the-girl thing going?” I changed the subject, but I was also honestly curious. Alex didn’t seem like the guy to have a crush on somebody, so I wanted to help him as much as I good.  
  
“Good, I guess. We are friends now,” he explained and drank some of the cool bottle of liquid in his hands, “I still like her. Now I just have to see where it all leads to. I don’t think she’s realized it yet.”  
  
“Oh, that really sucks,” I gave him a half smile, “but you still have time. What’s her name?”  
  
“That, I can’t tell you,” he pointed a finger at me with the hand that was holding the beer.  
  
“Awe, come on. Why not?”  
  
“To save myself some dignity,” he laughed.  
  
“I promise I won’t tell anybody,” I nudged, “I also promise I won’t tell the girl.”  
  
“Sorry, no can do.”  
  
“Ugh, fine,” I put my beer on the floor and got up.  
  
“Where are you going?” Alex asked me curiously while squinting because the sun was right behind me.  
  
I took off my shoes, “I am totally wearing the wrong bra for this.”  
  
“What?”  
  
I proceeded to take off my clothes, finally getting the entire group to look at me again. So all a girl has to do to get attention was to take her clothes off. Nice to know. I would never ever do that for attention again. But then again, I wasn’t doing it for attention, I would have actually preferred if nobody was looking at me.  
  
I dove into the water, letting the refreshing water cool down my body. When I went back up for air, everybody was still staring at me. I was nearly about to think I had done something wrong when Harper spoke up.  
  
“Agh, fuck it,” she stood up and started taking off her own clothes, “I’m going in as well.”  
  
In no time everybody was in and I was on Alex’s shoulders. We were splashing Lianne and Jack, who were in a similar position as me and Alex. Alex was tightly holding onto my legs so I would fall off while Lianne and I were trying to push each other. Everything was good fun and caused a lot of giggles.  
  
I could totally get used to being friends with these weirdos.


	17. An Outfit With Different Opinions

**Ash’s POV**  
  
For the first time in his life, Alex was actually up before me. It was seven, and normally I would be up by now, but it was weekend and I barely slept at all. Something was bugging me, but I didn’t know what. Do you know that feeling? When your mind keeps waking you up because you’re too busy thinking? It might have been the fact that we were going to a theme park today, but I didn’t feel like it was that. It was probably because I kept hearing a song I was trying to write. My brain tried to think of things to do different and things to add. It was pretty annoying.  
  
“Wake up!” Alex stormed into my room and threw the covers off me, “Jack will be here in half an hour!”  
  
“Half an hour already?” I groaned and turned onto my stomach so I didn’t have to see the excited older boy.  
  
“Yes, but knowing Jack it will take him an hour,” he walked up to the edge of the bed and did something unexpected. I was suddenly in his arms and was being carried to the bathroom, “go take a shower.”  
  
He turned on the water and put me on the floor before exiting the room. I just stood there, trying to figure out what had just happened. Ever since I actually told Alex I wanted to be friends with him, he had been a lot more comfortable around me; he actually seemed to act normal! But this was really random. I wasn’t going to step in the shower without having anything to change into.  
  
I opened the door and called Alex, “I need something to wear! Unless you want me to come in just a towel!”  
  
He appeared in no time with clothes I did not recognize, “Harper gave these to me yesterday for you to wear.”  
  
“Oh god,” I sighed, not actually thinking she was going to do it, “she’s been telling me she needs to take me shopping so I can wear ‘nice clothes’. Please help me!”  
  
Alex chuckled and gave me the pile, “I’m pretty sure it will look fine.”  
  
“Ugh… I’ll see…” I thanked him and closed the door, making sure to lock it so nobody would walk in. Maybe Alex didn’t mind me walking in while he was showering or, umm, using the toilet for liquid substances, but I definitely did.  
  
I hopped into the shower, letting the cool water run through my hair and roll down my back. After lathering my hair, I shaved anything I felt like and felt like I needed for what Harper was making me wear. To be honest, I really wasn’t excited to see what she was forcing me to put on. Her clothing style wasn’t exactly the same as mine. She wore things that were a lot more, let’s say, revealing.  
  
I washed out the shampoo and turned off the water, hoping nobody arrived yet. After drying off and putting on my underwear, which was my own and only made me wonder how Alex got it, I unfolded the clothes. Well, great. Harper gave me super short denim, ripped shorts to wear and a gray tight crop top. It was really not something I would wear. But she would only get mad if I didn’t wear it, so I put it on and checked the mirror. I didn’t like it, but at least it fit.  
  
As soon as I left the bathroom, I went straight into Alex’s room and started whining, “Alex…” I pointed at the clothes I was wearing.  
  
He looked up from his phone and smiled at me, “you look amazing.”  
  
“No,” I shook my head, “I don’t like it.”  
  
“Trust me,” he stood up and looked at me, “you really, really look good.”  
  
“But you can see my stomach and these shorts are way too short!”  
  
“Ok, well,” he went to his closet and looked around before returning to me, “here wear this,” he handed me a red zip up hoodie.  
  
I don’t know why he gave me his; I could have easily gone to my room to get a hoodie, or even change into something. But he really looked like he wanted me to have it. Who was I to decline it? So, I accepted it, thanked him, and put it on. And I also didn’t know how, but I also immediately felt better about myself. I no longer felt exposed, and actually felt like my body was covered up. Even though it was a bit too big for me, I still liked wearing it.  
  
“You look even better now,” Alex winked before there was another awkward silence between us, “so, umm, do you still want to eat something?”  
  
I nodded; I was actually pretty hungry and it seemed like Alex also hadn’t eaten anything yet. We both quietly went downstairs, making sure not to disturb his parents, who were still asleep. Not really in the mood for cereal or anything else, we each took a slice of cake, which Isobel had made two days before. It was pretty good; plain, but good.  
  
When we saw the minivan pull up on the driveway, I quickly ran upstairs to get my bag and brush my teeth, before going out of the house. But I froze before we stepped into the back of the van. There was no way I was getting in that.  
  
“Please don’t tell me Jack is driving,” I pointed at the boy I was talking about.  
  
“Hey!” Jack pouted and crossed his arms over his chest, “I’m probably a much better driver than you are!”  
  
“Why would you think that?”  
  
“I at least have a driver’s permit!” Jack showed off.  
  
I raised my eyebrow and reached into my bag, “I have one too, but I can’t use it here, and I need to have an adult with me if I drive in Germany.”  
  
“Let me see that,” Jack snatched it out of my hand, “I literally don’t understand a thing on here. I’m guessing that’s your birth date, that’s your name, I really don’t know what this all is, and here’s where you were born- You were born in Essex?”  
  
“Yes. Got a problem with that?” I took it back from him and put it back in my bag.  
  
“No, it’s just…”  
  
“I’m from there as well,” Alex told me and opened the sliding door to the car seats.  
  
“Cool,” I nodded and stepped in. Alex got in just after me and sat next to me. The driver’s door opened and Jack got in before turning around to look at us - well, mainly at me.  
  
“You look different,” Jack squinted his eyes and inspected my appearance, “good, but different.”  
  
I immediately felt uncomfortable. It was probably the clothes that made me look like a slut. Harper wanted me to wear clothes that would make guys want me; want me even more than before. I was completely against it, and I was already getting comments. This was not nice, not nice at all-  
  
“She’s not wearing any makeup,” Alex pointed out, catching me by surprise.  
  
“Oh yeah,” I remarked, thinking back to my messed up routine this morning, “I totally forgot about it…”  
  
“Well, you look good, you should do it more often,” Jack smiled at me and started the car. I just really hoped he wasn’t going to make us die. Who even suggested he’d drive! It was the stupidest idea ever! We were definitely going to die.  
  
Next, we drove past Harper’s house where we were going to pick up her and Lianne. They both entered the car and sat down. Or, well, actually only one of them did it. The more popular of the two stopped on the first step and looked at me before gasping.  
  
“You’re wearing the clothes! It looks so good on you!” She gushed like a proud mother, “but why the clear face?”  
  
“Because-” I tried defending myself.  
  
“And the fugly hoodie, what’s up with that?” She finally sat down after Jack pushed her inside.  
  
Alex put a hand to his heart in mock hurt, “well, thank you. I’ll have you know it’s actually one of my favorite hoodies, but it was the only one that I was sure was clean.”  
  
“Oh, it’s Alex’s. Nevermind then, keep wearing it,” she pointed at me before looking forward.  
  
I scrunched up my face and rested my head against Alex’s shoulder, “what’s her problem today?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Alex shrugged and ran a hand through my hair.


	18. A Lonely, but Crowed Theme Park

**Ash’s POV  
**  
Great. Just great. Of course, this would happen; of course they would leave us alone; of course I would be in this big park with only Alex. The others thought it would be a great idea to just walk off without saying anything while Alex and I weren’t watching. It was like they did it on purpose like it was some joke they continued to play on us. They kept excluding us, and it was pretty annoying. I came here to have a fun day with all my friends, but now I was just going to have to spend it with Alex… again.  
  
“Neither Lianne nor Harper is answering my texts or calls,” I sighed, “have any luck with Zack, Rian, or Jack?”  
  
“Nope, they are ignoring the shit out of me as well,” Alex gave me a half smile and put his phone away, “if one of us suddenly dies of heatstroke, they won’t know until we go home.”  
  
“Well, then, we better not die of heatstroke.”  
  
“Oh damn… I was planning on doing that today!” Alex started walking towards the map.  
  
“Please don’t, you’re my ride to school every morning,” I followed him and looked at the large board. We looked at all the different attractions and roller coasters and decided to plan out our day without the others. Just because they were going to be buzzkills and ditch us, didn’t mean Alex and I couldn’t have fun ourselves.  
  
We stood in some lines to get on rides and just generally enjoyed ourselves. The day was gradually getting warmer and eventually I actually believed I was going to get a heat stroke. All the cues were only getting longer. We expected this to happen, but seriously, I could feel my brain going all mushy inside. It was not nice at all.  
  
I looked at Alex, who looked just as sweaty as I felt. He was wearing a striped tank top and somehow managed to find short skinny jeans that had the ends rolled up. It seemed like a normal thing to wear on such a hot day, but the beanie on his head just seemed unnecessary. But then again, I was the one wearing the red zip up hoodie. However, I was not going to take it off, there was no way I was going to reveal that much skin. I was going to be honest, though, and say that he looked pretty damn good. But that didn’t mean anything; I was allowed to think somebody looked good without actually feeling something for them… right?  
  
I leaned forward so my chin was resting on his chest. He looked down at me, giving him a major triple chin situation. It was like he was expecting an answer from me, but he wasn’t getting one. I felt his chest rumble as he looked back straight ahead.  
  
“What are you doing?” he giggled in a girly fashion.  
  
“I’m so warm,” I groaned and wrapped my arms around him, “I need water.”  
  
“Take off the hoodie,” he pulled on the fabric and I let him go, being way too warm and sticky to stay that close to him.  
  
“No,” I whined, “I don’t like these clothes, they are too embarrassing.”  
  
He raised an eyebrow at me, “you seriously think you don’t look good in them? Because I swear that you look fan-fucking-tastic. I well fend off any guys that give you weird looks, ok?”  
  
I looked into his eyes and saw he was being genuine, so I slowly took off the warm fabric, “ok… but what do I do with it now?”  
  
“Tie it around your waist?” He suggested and moved up when people started walking again.  
  
I did as he told me to and already felt better since nobody would be able to practically see my butt fall out of the shorts. But I was still very thirsty, and he had the drinks, “and water?”  
  
He swung the large liter bottle at me, “here you go, just don’t finish it, because we only have that to survive this cue,” he shouted louder, “that is way too fucking long!”  
  
“Stop complaining,” I gulped down some of the water, “you’re the one who wanted to go on this ride!”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I was really glad that I was able to convince Ash to take off my sweater. She looked amazing in the clothes Harper had forced her to wear, and I sort of was able to make out why Harper even made Ash wear them. Ash really was a shy girl, and Harper was trying to break her shell bit by bit. She didn’t mind my swearing that much anymore, and she was already a lot louder in class. I mean. She even screamed out when Harper showed up in art class. Maybe once she opened up, she would finally realize I was slowly falling in love with- Wait. Hang on. There is no fucking way that I said love. Nope. Not yet; not ever! But Ash already got me to stop sleeping around… so maybe it was possible....  
  
And I was pretty happy with the view I got when Ash wore those clothes. It just made her body look that much greater. Other girls must envy her; the most amazing personality, the greatest body ever, just overall the dream girl. And here she was, with me. Well, not really with me, but still. She could have just run away or refused to move until our friends showed up.  
  
My phone buzzed and I saw I had gotten a pretty cryptic message from Jack. It read, ‘I see you, but you can’t see me. Looks like you are getting pretty cozy with each other’.  
  
I frowned and looked around to see if I could find my lanky, skunk-haired best friend, or anybody else that was supposed to with him. But just like he said, he could see me, but I couldn’t see him.  
  
Ash noticed something was up, “what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing,” I looked around again, “Jack says he can see me, but that I can’t see him. A dick move, I guess.”  
  
“What? Let me see,” she reached for my phone, and before I could object, she was already reading the message. Her eyes went wide, “oh my god. He can see us. Why would he say ‘Hi, Ash’? This is freaky.”  
  
I snatched my phone back before she could read any other messages that could give my feelings away. She giggled and looked at me, “Jack seems to think that ‘we are getting cozy’ so why don’t we make it seem that way.”  
  
My eyes went wide and my heart started beating fast, “what, you mean like playing a prank on them, yeah, that- that could be cool, I mean, they did ditch us, so why not? What do you want to do, maybe we could stand closer to each other, maybe hold hands-”  
  
“I am so going to regret this,” she mumbled and before I could even ask her more, her lips were planted on mine. Ok, so my heart started beating faster. And I just stood there in shock. Why wasn’t I doing anything! The girl I had a humongous crush on was kissing me! Well, ‘kissing me’ wasn’t really the right thing to describe it with. Ash literally didn’t know what to do, so our lips were just pressed against each other, nothing else.  
  
My body unfroze and I cupped her cheek with one hand before slowly starting to lead a slow and careful rhythm. People around us were probably disgusted, but at that moment I really didn’t care. Ash chose me to give her her first kiss, and it made my heart flutter. She started getting a hang of what I was doing and moved her lips along with mine. It definitely wasn’t the best kiss I ever had, but it felt a lot more special like there was actually something behind it, rather than some casual fuck. I broke it apart, and Ash stood back in her original position.  
  
“Well, that was awkward…” she shuffled up to fill the small space that formed between us and the people in front, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“No really, it’s fine,” I smiled at her, feeling satisfied with myself, “at least it was me and not some random guy.”  
  
She chuckled, “and now my first kiss with a guy I really want to kiss --when I find him-- won’t be that awkward. I will at least sort of know what to do.”  
  
Ouch. Once again she made my heart shatter into pieces. I actually felt something, but clearly, she didn’t. She basically just used me. Well, it was to be expected that she meant nothing with it, we were playing a prank. But still. This was her first ever kiss! And she always said how she wanted to be sure she liked the guy she had her first kiss with. But now she literally told me that I wasn’t that guy.  
  
Just put on a fake smile, Alex.  
  
“Yeah,” I forced out a laugh.  
  
\----  
  
“Ok, wait here,” Ash let go of my hand she was holding the entire time, “I really gotta go to the bathroom. Don’t you dare move one step. I don’t want to lose you as well.”  
  
“Ok,” I nodded and already missed the presence of her skin against mine. She smiled a toothy grin at me and ran to the toilets that were just a couple of feet away.  
  
Things had only gotten worse since she kissed me. She was hugging me, holding my hand, hitting my chest, and giving me kisses on the cheek. I knew that everybody was following us since I often felt the phone in my back pocket vibrate, but I didn’t feel like checking the messages. It already felt bad enough to know it wasn’t real, I didn’t need Jack freaking out and being all happy for me.  
  
I turned around and saw said lanky guitarist with our other friends grinning at me. They were looking at me like they were expecting me to run up to them and tell them all the juicy details, but I promised Ash I wouldn’t move. So, instead, I motioned for them to come over here instead, and they did.  
  
“Dude!” Jack gasped, “woah--”  
  
“Hey, guys,” Ash suddenly appeared at my side and I just wanted to cry right there on the fucking spot. None of this was real and Jack seemed so proud of me. I couldn’t do this anymore; I felt so uneasy and didn’t trust myself to say anything.  
  
“You guys fucking kissed!” Jack exclaimed, “Holy shit!”  
  
“What?” Ash laughed, “When?”  
  
“When you were in that super long cue! I totally saw you guys! You know, after I sent you that message.”  
  
“Umm, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Alex showed me a picture on his phone, and I was pretty loud there, so I had to get closer to him.”  
  
“No fucking way I believe that,” Jack shook his head at her, “I literally saw you guys.”  
  
Ash shrugged and didn’t say anything else. Jack kept staring at her for more answers and eventually she gave in, “is there any significance if we did? Because I don’t think there is.”  
  
Jack then averted his attention to me, “Alex?”  
  
“I’ll be right back,” I mumbled and left the group to go to the bathroom myself.  
  
Now I knew exactly what all the girls I played felt like.


	19. Trying to Forget while the Other One is Scared

**Alex’s POV  
**  
Jack decided to stay over after driving everybody back to their houses. It was a last minute decision. He was going to drop us off and then continue home, but something just made him decide he was going to sleep over at my place. Normally that would be ok, we always randomly stayed over at each other’s places and could stay there for days, but I just wanted to be alone. I was still shaken up about the fact that Ash kissed me, but also extremely hurt about her not even thinking about how I felt about all this. This situation was fucked up and I was just making it worse for myself.  
  
“Ok, you have been avoiding the question, but you have to tell me about the kiss,” Jack wiggled his eyebrows and nudged me.  
  
We were seated on the floor in my room. Music was playing in the background and my mind was going crazy with ideas for lyrics and melodies. I was going to be able to write a lot of new songs as soon as I got some time, a guitar, and my notebook. Maybe we could make a good album and actually get signed.  
  
“It was nothing,” I mumbled and leaned backwards until I was lying down flat on the wooden floor.  
  
Jack, of course, didn’t like that answer, “come on, it must have meant something!”  
  
“Well, it didn’t, so leave it be,” I groaned and ran my hands over my face. I didn’t need him making things even worse.  
  
“It was her first kiss, it must-”  
  
I shot up straight and glared at him, “god dammit, Jack, just leave it be! It meant nothing and it never will!”  
  
He looked taken aback, not expecting me to burst out like that, “you’re just not sure what you want and have to do now.”  
  
That was the wrong thing to say; it turned my anger up another notch, “I fucking do know what I want and I fucking know what she wants! But it does not overlap! Can’t you just understand that!”  
  
“Dude, calm down!” Jack shouted back, but he wasn’t angry like I was, he was just trying to get me to relax and slow down, “I’m just trying to see this all in a positive way, you should too.”  
  
“But there isn’t anything positive about this,” I muttered and looked down at my hands, which were limply lying in my lap, “I thought things were going well, but they aren’t. She sees me as just a friend, nothing more, and I just have to accept that.”  
  
“Don’t give up just yet, “ he tried to encourage.  
  
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, seriously thinking about just leaving it be, “maybe I should-”  
  
There was a knock on the door and not even a second later, the door opened. Jack and I both looked up to see the person we were just talking about. She was wearing short checkered shorts and a loose fitting tank top. Even without a bra, her boobs still looked amazing. But what threw me off was the red eyes and the face that looked like it had just been recently tear stained.  
  
“Umm,” she hid behind the door while trying to remember what she was going to say, before pointing at me, “your parents have already gone to bed. I’m going too… So, umm, goodnight.”  
  
I frowned and forgot about the anger I felt just seconds ago, “ok, goodnight, are you ok, though? You look like you’ve been crying.”  
  
“I’m fine,” she nodded and walked out, softly closing the door behind her.  
  
Something was wrong, she really wasn’t fine… but I wasn’t going to go after her. I probably should have, but I was done for today. Maybe I wasn’t going to give up on her 100%, but for now, I was.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
The day had been great. I had actually had fun, even though I had to spend the entire day with Alex, again. You know, he was actually quite a good kisser. I was so relieved that he kissed me back and led the whole thing. It would have been so awkward if he just stood there; I really didn’t know what to do, so I was so glad he did. I realized that a first kiss was just a first kiss. I would much rather find the right person and actually know how to kiss them than be really awkward. At least it was Alex who did it for me and not some random guy at some party. That would have been terrible.  
  
Well, as I said before the day had been great, that was until I got a phone call. It happened at 8 pm, when it was 2 am at home, in Germany. Alex, Jack, and I had just finished eating some leftovers. I went back to my room to leave Alex and Jack to do whatever they always did when sleeping over. Things were nice and calm; my clock was softly ticking and the streetlights illuminated the road outside my room with a welcoming orange glow. I closed the curtain, not wanting anybody to look in, and turned around to get my phone to put on my playlist. But just as I was about to open my music, the phone started ringing. My brother’s name, Kayden, was displayed in white letters on the bright screen. I knew straight away that it wasn’t good. He would never call me at 2 am unless it was bad.  
  
I answered the phone and was immediately greeted with what I was afraid of. There was labored breathing and sobs. He was muttering something, but I couldn’t understand anything. But, having encountered this before, I already knew exactly what he was saying.  
  
“Hey, Kayden,” I said in a soft voice to try and calm him down, “tell me what’s wrong.”  
  
“T-t-they are h-here!” He screamed, but not loud enough to wake up anybody else in the house, “t-they want to kill me! T-they are g-going to k-kill me! A-ash! T-they are g-going to kill me!”  
  
“Shhh, it’s ok, they’re not going to do you any harm,” I told him carefully.  
  
“N-no!” He sobbed loudly, “t-they are! T-they w-want me dead!”  
  
A tear escaped my eye, “they’re not going to, they’re not real.”  
  
“But they are telling me they are!” He sounded in distress.  
  
“No, Kayden,” even though I felt like crying myself, I stayed calm, “listen to me, not to the voices.”  
  
“I-I’m trying!”  
  
“How about I play that song again which makes them go away? I finished writing it,” I already started walking to the electric piano and turned it on.  
  
He didn’t answer, but instead started crying, so I took it as a yes. Whenever Kayden got another attack, I would take him downstairs and play music for him. I had tried many different songs, but none of them ever worked, until I started improvising myself. It was the only melody that got him to calm down. I started writing it down, and ever since I continued to work on it, adding pieces whenever I would have to play it. Even after coming here, I continued, but at my own pace. I wanted it done as soon as possible so I could play it for Kayden whenever needed. And I finished it the day Alex walked in on me playing it in the music room.  
  
I turned the volume down so it wouldn’t disturb anybody, but made sure it was still loud enough for Kayden to hear clearly. My fingers touched the keys and I started playing the familiar tune. To make sure I knew what was going on with Kayden, I put the phone on loudspeaker before playing. Slowly but surely his breath started following the beat of the song; nice and steady, and slow.  
  
I finished the song, realizing tears had run down my cheeks and onto my neck, some of them dropping down to the shorts I was wearing. Kayden let out a small thank you, and I took the phone off loudspeaker before putting it to my ear again.  
  
“How are you feeling?” I asked him and sat down on the floor, my back against one of the walls.  
  
“Much better,” the tone in his voice sounded a lot more controlled.  
  
“Do you want me to tell you a story?” I asked, following the routine we always had at home.  
  
There was some shuffling on the other end, probably from Kayden getting back in bed, “yes, please.”  
  
I started making up a story on the spot, “once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy. They were forced to live together, and they really hated each other. Everything one did, annoyed the other, and there were always smart comments being made. They did anything to make each other’s lives miserable. Both of them wanted to be friends, but both of them were too stubborn to change their behavior. But one day, they realized everything they were doing was just really stupid. So, they decided to be friends. Things were a bit rocky in the beginning, but things started going really well. They became really good friends and one day the girl decided to kiss the boy. It was just to trick their friends, though. The girl just hoped it wouldn’t give the boy the wrong idea, though; she didn’t want to scare him off-”  
  
I was going to continue and imagine how the story of Alex and I would continue, but the soft snores of my brother cut me off. It was great timing, now I wouldn’t expect certain things. But I was truly afraid I gave Alex the wrong impression… He was the only guy that hadn’t shown any interest in me, and I liked that. I really hoped I didn’t ruin our friendship with the stupid prank that wasn’t even a prank. Seriously, I didn’t even know why I kissed him. It didn’t get any funny reactions and I literally didn’t even think it through. It was like my body wanted to kiss him, but my mind really didn’t know what I was doing.  
  
I stayed on the phone a bit longer, making sure my brother wouldn’t suddenly wake up. When I was sure he was in a deep sleep I whispered goodnight to him. I hung up and immediately started crying. Life was so unfair. My brother, my 10-year-old brother, had anxiety and was bipolar. One moment he’d be the happiest kid I knew, and the next he’d be having a mental breakdown like this. He always thought there were people out to get him when he got like this. It was just so unfair. I’d rather have me be the one in pain than have him have attacks like this.  
  
I dried up my tears and got changed into my pajamas. This whole day was way too much for me and I was exhausted. I looked at the clock at saw it was 9:30 pm already. My phone bill was probably really high, but I didn’t care; my brother was more important. I dazedly walked to the bathroom, seeing that all the lights were turned off downstairs and in Isobel’s and Peter’s bedroom, telling me they had gone to bed. My face looked terrible: puffy and the color was drained from anything that wasn’t red. I splashed some water on my face, hoping it would rid rid of the heavy feeling. It only helped slightly, but I just couldn’t care anymore.  
  
I went to Alex room and knocked on the door, before opening it. Alex was in the middle of a sentence, but immediately shut up when he saw me. I told them I was going to bed and Alex realized I had been crying. Just wanting to go to bed, I told him I was fine and left before anything else could be said.  
  
I kind of expected him to follow me, but he didn’t. And I wasn’t sure whether or not I liked it…


	20. An Unexpected Phone Call

**Ash’s POV**  
  
We were back at school and I made my brother promise me he would call me while I was having lunch. That way I knew he was fine and I would be calmed down for the rest of the day. But I had been sitting at this stupid table with Jack, Rian, Alex, Harper, and Lianne for half of the lunch break already and there had been no call. Great way to calm me down, right? I totally forgot that I’d be worried sick if he didn’t call me.  
  
I hadn’t touched my food and kept playing with the phone in my hands, spinning it around while I tapped it on the table. All I wanted was to get that stupid call, and if not that, I’d even be happy with a simple text message. He promised to call… I would call him instead, but I couldn’t. From experience, I knew that I shouldn’t do it. If he were to be having an attack, it would have only made it worse. He couldn’t deal with confusing noises and it would only make his panicking worse.  
  
“Ok, what’s wrong?” Jack put his hand on top of mine so I couldn’t twiddle with my phone anymore.  
  
I snapped out of my daze, my eyes flickering to Jack, “what? Nothing! I’m fine.”  
  
“You see, I don’t exactly believe that…” he squinted at me and slowly took the phone away from me.  
  
My eyes stayed on my phone and I immediately started worrying. Maybe I would miss the call because Jack had the device! I needed to be able to answer as soon as possible, or things could go wrong. Freaking out was probably the worst thing to do, but I couldn’t help it.  
  
“I’m fine, I swear. There’s nothing wr-” I started arguing, but got cut off by my phone ringing. The sound didn’t make me feel any relieved, though… I scrambled to get the phone out of Jack’s hands while everybody was giving me weird looks. They probably thought I was some crazy person who couldn’t live without their phone.  
  
To my surprise, it was my dad who was calling, not my brother. But I didn’t have time to frown before I answered the phone. I was happy with any information I could get.  
  
“Hello?” I breathed out.  
  
“Ash?” My dad was in a place with some background noise.  
  
I tried to figure out where he was from the noise, “yes.”  
  
“He’s in the hospital.”  
  
I didn’t need him to tell me who was; I knew exactly who, anybody could know. The background noise was people talking in the waiting room and doctors walking past. My dad was there with him while I was stuck hours away.  
  
“He’s in the hospital?” I asked, even though I knew it had to be the truth, I just didn’t know how to react. When I mentioned a hospital, my group of friends suddenly focused even more on me and gave each other glances. I would have left the room if it weren’t for the fact that I was frozen in place.  
  
“Yes, he overdosed on his medication,” my dad got straight to the point, not beating around the bush.  
  
“Was- was it on purpose or was it an accident?” I dared to question.  
  
There was some silence before I finally got an answer, “they don’t know. He’s passed out and I’ve been asked to stay in the waiting room while they try to fix him up as much as possible.”  
  
“What do you mean ‘they don’t know’?”  
  
“I mean that Charley and I went to pick up Jaxon from football practice, and we found him when we got back. We also don’t know if he accidentally took another dose or if it was on purpose. His normal dosage is pretty strong, so having another could mess him up for a while.”  
  
I absentmindedly looked at Alex, who was sitting opposite of me, “wait. So you’re telling me that you came home, found him practically dead, know that it’s because of the medication, but don’t know whether it’s a suicide attempt or not! Dad, he’s only ten!”  
  
“I know, darling-”  
  
I stopped listening to him. My body unfroze as soon as I actually realized what was going on. The looks my friends were giving me gave me the extra push to stand up and leave the cantine. They heard me saying the word suicide and mentioning my brother. I wasn’t ready for their comments, questions, or worried and sympathetic looks.  
  
I left my lunch on the table and walked out to find a more private place. The corridors were deserted and quiet, but there were still too many people to just talk with my dad out in the open. Speaking of which, he was telling me a more detailed version of how he found Kayden, but I didn’t care. I actually didn’t want to know, it would only be too terrifying for me to know. Who would want to know the story of their dad finds their brother almost dead?  
  
When I finally found a place I thought I could be alone, some guy came up to me. His name was Jonathan and he just couldn’t seem to stop trying to get with me. He would make stupid comments that were supposed to be flirty, and many girls fell for it, but I didn’t. I wasn’t here for that, and if I were to get a boyfriend, it would never be anybody like that asshole. He was basically a fuckboy. Like, seriously, he just couldn’t get the hints.  
  
“What’s up, baby?” He gave me his signature smirk.  
  
I glared at him and covered the microphone of my phone, “sorry, can’t talk.”  
  
“Oh, come on, baby,” he got closer to me, “just one little kiss.”  
  
I sighed and quickly said something to my dad, “hold on one sec, dad. Somebody’s asking me something. I’ll be quick.”  
  
“Ok,” he replied, “there’s nothing else I can really tell you, so it’s fine.”  
  
“Thanks,” I quickly muted the microphone so I could talk to Jonathan without my dad hearing anything.  
  
“Oh, so she’s finally agreeing,” Jonathan licked his lips and tried to get even closer.  
  
I took a step backward, “nope, you got that wrong. Can you please leave? I’m kind of busy right now.”  
  
“Come on, baby,” he reached out to caress my cheek.  
  
I slapped his hand away, “dude, seriously, leave. Now.”  
  
“I don’t think-”  
  
“Yo!” Rian appeared around the corner, “she said to leave her alone, so obey the girl and leave.”  
  
Jonathan let out a deep evil chuckle and instead took a step towards Rian, “or what, Dawson? What are you going to do?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Rian shrugged and took out his phone, “probably stay here, film your future failed attempts, put it on the internet and humiliate you.”  
  
I didn’t think it would work, but Jonathan looked very taken aback. His eyes were wide with panic and he was looking around for a way out. This guy was really messed up. With no sneaky place to leave, he pushed past Rian and disappeared. You could definitely say that Jonathan wasn’t the smartest kid on the block.  
  
I looked at Rian and thanked him. He was going to the bathroom and coincidentally heard us talking. We didn’t talk anymore afterward, and instead, he only gave me a half-hearted smile before continuing his journey. It was just luck, but at least I wasn’t being felt up by some douchebag.  
  
I unmuted my phone again, “hey, dad, I’m back.”  
  
“Hey, darling,” he greeted me again, “the doctors just told me that Kayden will be ok, but it will take him a couple more hours before he can wake up. I’m walking to his room right now.”  
  
“That’s great,” I was happy he was ok, but at the same time, I felt pretty sad. I couldn’t be there for Kayden. He had never gotten this bad, and I couldn’t be there for him.  
  
“I know what you’re thinking,” my dad interrupted my thoughts, “but you shouldn’t worry. Kayden knows that you are worried and care about him. There’s no way he will think that you left him behind and betrayed him. I can promise you that he will understand, and to make you feel better, I’ll make sure to arrange a time for you guys to video chat.”  
  
“Ok,” I mumbled and felt a tear roll down my cheek. But Kayden was ok, he was going to be fine.  
  
“I have to go now, darling, I have to be quiet in his room.”  
  
“Ok, bye, dad. Love you.”  
  
“Love you too.”  
  
I hung up the phone and slid down the wall. Even though I loved every one of my brothers and family members, I just sometimes wished I had a normal family; a normal situation. I lived in constant fear that something would happen to one of them and that I wouldn’t or couldn’t be there. And now it had actually happened. There was no way for me to get there, and I had to leave Kayden, my dad, and my two other brothers alone in this situation. It was difficult for all of us, and I couldn’t be there to help us get through it.  
  
I was on the other side of the world.


	21. Confident Like No Other, and The Party For Another

**Alex’s POV**

We were at Rian’s house having band practise. Normally we would try to practise every single day, but because school had just started a couple of weeks ago, we hadn;t been able to do that. Everything was pretty hectic and teachers were still trying to see how much work they could give us… not that I ever really did it or anything. But now we were getting back into our routine. We tried to meet up at least once a week, but now we were trying to do at least every other day. Only, this time was pretty special. Ash came to watch.

She finally gave in, and even though I was only because she didn’t have any homework, I was still very excited. I had written a new song, and over the last couple of session we had been practising and perfecting it. Even though I hadn’t said anything, I couldn’t wait to see what Ash thought. Her opinion was pretty important. Not only was she the girl that ‘secretly’ meant a lot to me, but she actually wrote her own music and loved this type of music as well. It was the perfect package (yes, I know, after my last burst out, I still did decide not to give up on her. I just couldn’t). Plus, she had been out of it lately. First, I could see she had been crying on that day we went to the theme park, and then there was that phone call at the beginning of the week. I heard that she was talking about a suicide attempt, she also mentioned a 10 year old and her father. But it couldn’t be one of her brothers. All the stories she told us were perfect, there was no way they would do that. It was probably some family friend or acquaintance.

This was also my chance to drop some hints about my feeling. Apparently Rian had had to pry Jonathan away from Ash during that phone call I was talking about earlier. That guy was basically the worst player in school. He managed to get and play all the girls, even though the girls knew what a fucking douchebag he was. It was like they all thought they could change him, but that obviously never happened. Sure, I was pretty happy that Ash kept rejecting him, but I wanted to make sure he stopped by calling her mine. I was actually pretty confident in myself. After that whole thing about me thinking about giving up, I suddenly realised how stupid I was being. I just had to stay strong and not give up. She was already rejecting and guys that came her way, and she kissed me. I could basically make a move any moment and it would be a happy ending. I just knew it, as self-centered as that sounds.

“Can I just hear this new song already?” Ash pouted from the couch in front of our practise area. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and was watching us curiously, “or can I go changed first?”

“Why would you need to get changed,” Zack asked absentmindedly while he turned on his amplifier.

She looked at him like he had two heads, “for the party everybody’s going to, obviously.”

“I don’t go to you school, I don’t know about it,” Zack defended himself.

“Wait. Hang on,” Jack interrupted and got the guitar pick from between his teeth, “there’s a party going on and I don’t know about it, nor am I invited. What the fuck is going on!”

Ash frowned and shrugged, “it’s at Jonathan’s place. Harper forced me to come and actually threatened to stab me if I wouldn’t wear any of the new clothes we bought on Wednesday. I guess you could come as well, it’s not like there’s a guest list or anything.”

“Awes-”

“I think we’ll skip it,” I interrupted Jack before he could accept. There was no way I was going to that dickhead’s party. It would only show him I approve of him behaviour. And I didn’t have to be at every party, I already went to all the other ones this school year. A nice quiet evening seemed pretty cool.

“Ok, well,” Ash looked at her phone, “are you going to play or can I go change, Harper will come pick me up here and I don’t have much time.”

“We’ll play-,” Rian smiled at her.

I told her to do the opposite, though, “you can go get changed first.”

“Ok, cool,” Ash hopped up from the couch and grabbed her bag before disappearing.

“Dude,” Jack gave me a disapproving look, “it would have been so much better if we played the song first and then let her change. We would have been able to play new stuff while she got changed, but now we can’t do shit.”

“But now we can practise it one more time,” I quickly checked the tuning of my guitar.

Zack chuckled, “he just wants it to be perfect for Ash.”

Rian joined and got ready at his drums, “awe, poor Lexy-Poo wants to show off and impress the girl.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled and turned on the microphone, causing my voice to be louder, “I just want someone’s opinion who doesn’t think we are the best fucking band in the world. And it would be pretty fucking embarrassing if I were to mess up.”

Jack came up to me and pinched my cheek, “Lexy’s got a crush.”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I laughed and hit his hand away, “so what if I do?”

“How was kissing her?” Rian suddenly shouted, “was it like you expected and imagined in your wet dreams?”

“Don’t even go there,” Jack sighed and shook his head, “he might murder you… he almost murdered me!”

“What?” Rian seemed to think it was hilarious.

I groaned, “Leave it be. Let’s just get through this, I don’t want to fuck up when we play for her.”

So that’s what we did. We all got ready and I started the song. None of us fucked up, surprisingly, and I just hoped we would manage to do it again like this. Jack actually was able to play the guitar properly, I didn’t randomly forget the lyrics, Rian only missed one beat, and Zack sang the right back up vocals when he needed to. That kid could play the bass like it was nobody's business, so I wasn’t worried about that.

And that’s when Ash came back. Her outfit had changed completely. She was no longer wearing long jeans and a simple t-shirt, she was actually wearing something that Harper would wear, and she was totally rocking it. Her face had more makeup, some deep red lipstick and whatever the shit girls put on their eyes. But the clothes, damn: high waisted ripped shorts, a very short and tight white crop top, a green bomber jacket, and new black Nike’s. Holy shit, she looked good. Even the watch she was wearing made her look better!

Jack whistled and started cat calling, “damn girl, you look fine!”

She grinned and shook her head, “note to self, stay away from Jack.”

“Hey! I’m not that bad!” Jack faked mock-hurt and pouted.

Zack looked him dead in the eyes, “yes, Jack, yes you are.”

I rolled my eyes at them and took in Ash’s appearance once more, “seriously, though, you look good.”

She smiled timidly and sat back down on the couch, “thank you.”

You see! I probably did have a chance! When Jack told her she looked good, she just rolled her eyes. But she gave me that actual cute shy smile girls gave guys when they were into them. I’m definitely back in the game! Not like I ever was before, but I was certain this was going to work out.

“Just one question,” Rian picked up a drumstick he had dropped, “just a couple of days ago you were freaking out about wearing clothes like that, but now you are just wearing it, and they are your own clothes. What happened?”

“Sometimes you just shouldn’t give a fuck,” she got more comfortable.

Ok. Wow. She actually swore. Wow. Ok. Ok. Yes, that just happened. She just said shit. It’s ok, Alex, it was just a word. We’ll she definitely changed a lot since she first came here, but I actually liked it… I think… Wow.

“Let’s just play this song already,” Jack whined and slouched a bit.

“Ok, fine,” I stood in front of the microphone and gave everybody a look before starting, “Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye. It could be for the last time and it's not right…”

Ash seemed so into it. She was actually listening carefully and I could tell that she was actually processing the lyrics, unlike some people who only care about the tune. Whenever I opened my eyes I would make eye contact with her, and she’d smile and shyly push some hair out of her face. Everything about her was just so fucking cute and beautiful. I was going to make my move soon. I had to do this. She almost made me forget the feelings behind the song; I didn’t feel remotely upset, which was pretty new for me. God, this girl was perfect.

We let the last chord ring and Ash started clapping loudly. I actually felt really good about this song. It got her approval. And it might sound stupid, but it really meant the world to me.

“That was amazing,” she cheered and showed off her perfect white teeth.

Jack came up to me and literally pressed his mouth up again the microphone before putting on his deepest voice, “I wrote that song, thank you very much. I appreciate the support.”

Ash rolled her eyes, “yeah, right,” she then looked at me, knowing he was fooling around, “it’s about your brother, right?”

“Yes,” I nodded and felt so good about her actually getting it. I could have shown this song to so many girls and they’d either think it was about them or they’d just think it’s another cool song. But Ash actually got it. She was different from the others.

“I guess you could say it’s similar to the song I wrote,” she told me before taking out her phone, reading something, but turning it back off, “only it’s a totally different genre… and the message might be a bit different… but it’s a similar idea.”

“Yeah, you told me it was about your brother,” I put my guitar back on it’s stand.

“Not about,” she shook her head, “for.”

I was about to ask her what it was about then, but Jack opened his mouth before I could, “I didn’t know you write songs.”

“Well, I guess-” Ash was interrupted by her phone ringing, and she answered immediately. For a second my heart stopped; I thought I might have been her dad giving her more bad news. But luckily for suspicions were wrong.

“Oh my god, Harper,” Ash sighed and stood up, “you literally just arrived, don’t get mad at me for not being outside yet. I’ll be there in a sec,” Ash then looked at us, “well, I’ve got to go, but I really liked the song,” she pointed at me, “Alex, tell your parents I won’t be there for dinner and that I’ll be home late.”

“Ok,” I nodded. And then the unexpected happened. She quickly kissed my cheek and rushed off, but not without groaning at Ash once more, “stop threatening me with a butterknife!”

And then she was gone.

“Dude…” Jack gasped and gave me wide eyes.

I shrugged and went back to get my guitar once more, “I know, who threatens someone with a butterknife?”

Rian squinted at me as if he were trying to read me, “are you hiding something?”

“Nope, I’m just really shocked and I don’t know what to do,” I went back to my spot, “holy shit.”

Zack chuckled and gave me a squeeze on my shoulder.

Holy fucking shit. This was it.


	22. A Party, A New Beginning

**Ash’s POV  
**  
As Harper pulled up on the side of the road where many other cars were parked, I looked at her one more time. I hadn’t been to a party like this before… or ever even a party at all. You could count Alex’s, but that was literally me just trying to get a drink, nothing else. And maybe I didn’t look good enough to compare to everybody else. Harper had been assuring me the entire way here that I looked amazing, but I just didn’t know. This was all new to me. But, hey, this was my one chance, right?”  
  
“Come on, Ash, you look amazing!” Harper turned off the ignition and noticed my nervousness, “if I were a guy I’d fuck you.”  
  
“Well, I’m not really trying to get fucked tonight,” I got out of the car and closed the door.  
  
Harper joined me a second later and locked the vehicle, “well, I definitely am.”  
  
“Good for you,” I laughed at her straight forwardness and waited for her to finish adjusting her makeup.  
  
She rolled her eyes, “sex is amazing, Ash, trust me. If you have to opportunity, I highly recommend you go for it.”  
  
“I already gave my first kiss to some guy I don’t like that way,” we started walking to the house that had loud music spilling out from every crevice, “there is no way I will do the same for my virginity.”  
  
Harper gasped loudly as we stood in front of the door, “you think Alex is just some random guy?”  
  
I shrugged and looked down at my clothes one more time, “he’s not exactly random, but that kiss was just to freak you guys out. I don’t really think of him much more than just a very good friend. I know, I probably shouldn’t have done it, but for some reason I did. Luckily there will never be anything happening between us.”  
  
“Girl, no,” Harper opened the door and we both entered, “you don’t just kiss him like that.”  
  
I looked around the place. There were girls and guys from our age everywhere. Many of them had red solo cups, or other plastic cups to hold their drinks. It was actually pretty busy, and you could see where the dance floor was going on. The music got louder and louder the further we went into the house.  
  
“I guess, I did,” I raised my shoulders and gave her a half smile, “sorry if that offends you in any way.”  
  
“But you and Alex would make such a cute-” Harper started complaining, but the music got way too loud for me to hear her. Her mouth was moving, but I wasn’t exactly that good at lip reading.  
  
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you!” I screamed and articulated, but she didn’t seem to understand me either. We were basically just shouting ‘what’ at each other constantly. Well, we did that until somebody very rudely bumped into me. I turned around and glared at them, finally getting a ‘sorry’ out of the guy that looked pretty intoxicated already. However, when I turned back to see Harper, she was gone.  
  
Great. Now, my one friend at this party had abandoned me. You might be wondering where Lianne was, but I can easily answer that. She was going to come as well, but then her parents suggested to have family night, so Lianne decided to join them. And I totally understood that, I would also have put my family over this party. I probably should have, thinking about it much later, because shit really went down.  
  
I decided to stand in some quiet corner, hoping Harper would be able to find me, but knowing her, she was probably already with some guy. It was her goal to end up in bed with someone, so it really didn’t surprise me. The only problem was that I’d have to get a ride back home, and I literally didn’t know anybody. Well, I was stuck here… but that was something to worry about later.  
  
There were so many people walking past me with drinks in their hands, seeming so happy and joyful. It was definitely for the drink they were having, and I was craving for that feeling. The whole week I had been worried. Neither the doctors, nor my dad, had been able to get Kayden to confirm whether it was a suicide attempt or not. And because of that I hadn’t been able to talk to him. I knew that I would have been able to get it out of him, but rules were rules… and I had to obey.  
  
All I wanted was that buzz; that feeling I had after drinking that tequila at Jack’s house. I felt so careless and free. Now, all I had to do was take a couple of steps, get a drink from the kitchen, and another one, and another one, and feel great. So, that was exactly what I did. Remembering that Alex genuinely said I actually looked good, gave me the extra push I needed. I pushed through the crowds, earning some annoyed groans and glares. The kitchen was surprisingly empty, so I took my time choosing what I wanted. Eventually I settled on some Jack Daniels and coke. I poured a lot of the alcoholic beverage, just wanting to get to buzz already, and added a bit of the sweeter fizzing drink.  
  
“That’s looks very good,” somebody said from behind me. I turned around and came face to face with a guy that seemed a bit older than most kids here. He had a chiseled jaw, gorgeous brown eyes, and I couldn’t deny he was super fucking hot.  
  
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” I turned back around and giggled before putting the cap back on the coke bottle.  
  
“Really? You look like professional,” one of his hands was placed on the counter right next to me, “but let me tell you, that will be very, very strong.”  
  
“Oh,” I grabbed the cup and turned around, smirking at the guy that was standing really close to me, “good.”  
  
I pushed past him lightly, and walked out of the kitchen, but not before I caught him off guard by grabbing his hand and pulling him along. He happily followed me and stood with his chest against my back when I stopped in a corridor to find out which was to take. I did not know what suddenly made me act this way, but I definitely liked it. I actually felt pretty confident, even though I had never done this before.  
  
“Where are we going?” I could feel his lips moving against my ear while he whispered in a low voice. Goosebumps formed all over my skin, and I shivered slightly.  
  
When I finally found out where everything was, I pulled him along with me again until we were standing at the door I was about to open, “outside.”  
  
“And why’s that?” He smirked down at me while I sat down on the porch in the backyard. There were a couple of other people here, but the party was mainly going on inside.  
  
“Because it’s dark outside,” I looked up at the clear sky, “and the stars are out, shining as bright as always.”  
  
The guy, who’s name I didn’t even know, but who I was definitely attracted to, sat down next to me, “you know what else is beautiful?”  
  
I rolled my eyes and took a big gulp of my drink. It was definitely very strong, just like I had been told, but I actually enjoyed the burn. The pain just made me feel closer to my brother. And, since I was a lightweight, I could already feel the alcohol slowly entering my system. I loved it, but I wasn’t going to far. I didn’t need to regret anything the day after.  
  
“You know, I was actually going to say me,” the guy grinned and looked out at the stars as well, “but I’m guessing you’re expecting me to say you.”  
  
“How do you know what I am expecting, you don’t even know me,” I pointed out, hoping he got the hint that I wanted to get to know him a bit.  
  
“Hmm,” the guy raised his eyebrows, “I guess you're right. So, let’s start with me asking you your name.”  
  
“You actually think I’m going to give you my name, without getting to know your’s first?” I teased and simpered, “how do I know you're not just going to run around using my name for rumours?”  
  
“Fair enough,” he laughed and shuffled even closer to me so he could whisper seductively in my ear, “my name is Luke. I know, you can give my parents credits for the creativity,”  
  
“Well,” I turned to look at him so our faces were just inches apart, “my name isn’t that much better.”  
  
“Is it now?” he inched closer.  
  
“Ash isn’t that creative,” I teased him by kissing his cheek, before going down and slowly kissing his jawline as well.  
  
He moved his head to the side, so I had access to his neck, “Ash as in Ashley?”  
  
“No,” I moved my way down to his neck, like he gestured for me to do, “Ash as in Ash.”  
  
If it hadn’t been for me already finishing more than half of my drink, I probably wouldn’t have dared to do anything I was doing. I wouldn’t have kissed his skin like that, and I wouldn’t have put one of my hands on his thighs. All I would have done was be the boring Ash I was. Being buzzed was definitely the best feeling ever, and I wanted to keep it for as long as possible.  
  
“How drunk are you right now?” He asked after letting out a quiet moan, which caused my body to shiver and lust after more.  
  
“Not drunk enough,” I smirked against his skin and broke away from it to finish the rest of my drink.  
  
“Well we have to do something about that, then,” he stood up and reached down for me to grab his hand. However, we both never let go. His hand was large and rough compared to mine. My hands were fragile and had long fingers, perfect for the piano, while he had hands you would expect to find on a fighter. It was pretty comforting and strong.  
  
We both got another drink and moved to a quieter place inside of the house, instead of outside where it was getting a bit colder. Our conversation continued while I was getting drunker and drunker by the second. It just all felt so fucking good! And the way Luke fended off all the other guys just made me swoon over him more. Random drunk guys from school would come up to me and tried to do, let’s say, stuff. Luke would warn them or even threaten them if they were to try anything else with me, but at the same time he wasn’t really claiming me. It was just so hot.  
  
I found out that Luke was 20 years old and that he was in his second year of college, studying communications. It did explain why I hadn’t seen him before, unlike the many other guys here, and something about it just made me like him more. And he seemed pretty interested in the fact that I was an exchange student, from Germany, but that I was originally British. Let’s just say we really hit it off.  
  
There were quite a lot of touched being exchanged between us, and eventually Luke even started doing to me what I had done to him outside. But we hadn’t exchanged a proper kiss yet, which other couple were definitely already doing. I was absolutely sexually attracted to him, and he seemed to feel the same way about me as well. However, I wasn’t stupid enough, even drunk like I was, to have sex with him. I was not going to have sex with a guy, only to have him disappear before I woke up, and for myself not to remember anything.  
  
Suddenly Harper appeared, walking up to me and Luke, swaying slightly from one side to the other. But she wasn’t alone, there was a guy behind dragged behind her, who also seemed very drunk. She shouted my name and hugged me tightly, “you’re going to have to find a ride home. I’m going to go up stairs with this guy,” she patted his hand lightly. Only then did she realise that I was with somebody as well, “oh, he’s hot,” she gasped, “are you guys going to go find an empty room as well.”  
  
I couldn’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl, which I technically was, but still, “noooo. Not tonight.”  
  
“We’re not?” Luke pouted while he looked down at me.  
  
I blushed and realised that Harper had started climbing the stairs in a really dangerous way, “nooo, I can’t do that!”  
  
“Can I still do this?” He cupped my cheek and smashed his lips against mine before I could even realise what was going on. But drunk me, just went along with the flow. Thank god for getting Alex to teach me a bit! I wrapped my arms around his neck, dropping the empty cup that had been filled 5 times already. His hands traveled down to my hips, pulling me closer, our hips touching. I couldn’t get enough from the way he felt against me. It was like I never wanted to leave. And when his thumb started drawing shapes on my bare skin exposed at my stomach, I went crazy. I couldn’t get enough of this guy: I wanted more, I needed more.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
“Do you think Ash is ok?” Jack frowned at me from the mattress that was basically permanently on my floor.  
  
I looked down at the boy, whose face was illuminated by the light of the screen of his phone, “yeah… why?”  
  
“It’s 2am…” he pointed at the digital clock I had on my bedside table, “I just didn’t think she’d be gone for that long.”  
  
“She’s probably staying with Harper,” I shrugged and continued to scroll through my own twitter feed, “Harper wouldn’t let her do anything stupid. She’s knows that I like Ash… She wouldn’t let her do anything stupid right?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jack raised one hand in defense, “I was just wondering, I didn’t want to get you all freaked out or something. She’s most likely fine.”  
  
I nodded and stated confidently, “yeah, you’re right,” but was he? Maybe something could have gone horribly wrong. Dammit! We should have gone to that party!  
  
The only way I could get my mind off of it, was by thinking of how I was going to ask Ash out. I actually felt confident, like I actually could do this. But first I needed confirmation from my best friend, so I asked him, “hey, do you think I should ask Ash out?”  
  
“Umm, dude, I’ve been telling you to since we met her,” Jack rolled his eyes and made exaggerated gestures to emphasize how ‘stupid’ I was being.  
  
“No, no you haven’t,” I copied his actions to mock him, “you actually helped me make fun of her.”  
  
“Fine, but as soon as I you realised you’ve got the biggest crush on her, I was all for it,” Jack corrected himself, “but I say you should totally go for it.”  
  
“Ok, I’ll do it tomorrow.”  
  
\----  
  
2:30am. Jack and I were still up. Ash was still not home, nor had I heard a word from her. I was getting really worried and could only think of things that could have happened to her. Maybe she had been drugged, maybe she had been raped, or kidnapped, or murdered. Maybe it was a bit less worse, and she passed out. But no word from either Harper or Ash just made me feel queazy. I did not like it, not at all.  
  
“Jack…” I whispered, watching as his eyes flickered to me, “I still haven’t heard anything of either of them. Do you think they’re ok?”  
  
“Probably,” Jack shrugged and turned off his phone, “but I am actually pretty tired, surprisingly. So, can we just go to sleep?”  
  
“This doesn’t feel right,” I did the opposite, and turned on my phone which I had turned off to think about ideas for the date, “maybe I should call her.”  
  
“Suit yourself,” Jack turned onto his side.  
  
I unlocked my phone and scrolled through my contacts, trying to find her number. Since I was so nervous, I went through them all a couple of times, before realizing I had just saved her as Ash, so her contact would be at the very top. I was about to start calling, when I heard the doorbell go off.  
  
“That’s probably her!” I exclaimed as a whisper, hoping not to wake up my parents, if they hadn’t been woken up by the doorbell ringing.  
  
“Or it could be a murderer,” Jack muttered.  
  
I got out of bed anyway and opened my door, “I’m willing to take the risk.”  
  
Before Jack could make anymore stupid comments, I ran downstairs, trying my best not to trip over anything in the blinding darkness. Luckily, I had maneuvered my way in the dark before when I came home from parties, so I didn’t have too much trouble. All those hangovers and stubbed toes actually did have a good use.  
  
I opened the front door and was so relieved to see it was Ash… but she was being supported by a guy. They were holding on to each other tightly, and I could feel jealousy surge through me. Who was this guy? And why was he here with Ash?  
  
“Alex!” Ash giggled and tried to take a step forward, but she almost fell forward, so the guy protectively grabbed her.  
  
He chuckled and looked at her, “I think you should go to bed. I know you don’t want to, but you’ll want to sleep this off.”  
  
“Ok,” Ash nodded before looking up at him with puppy dog eyes, “will you bring me to bed?”  
  
I hesitantly stepped aside and opened the door further so they could walk in without hitting the doorpost. Maybe this guy was just trying to help her out. I jumped to conclusions, and shouldn’t have. There was a possibility he was just being nice and was helping a girl that was obviously wasted.  
  
“Her room’s upstairs, second one on the left,” I closed the door behind them and was going to go straight back to bed, but decided to help them out a bit more. I opened the door to Ash’s room so they wouldn’t have too many obstacles; they had already hit a couple of things in the living room.  
  
The guy put Ash on her bed and fully let go of her, but Ash didn’t. Her arms were tightly wrapped around his neck, in the same position they were when he was carrying her up the stairs bridal style. I had some suspicions as to what was going to happen next, but didn’t think it would actually go down, because it was Ash. But it did. She pulled him down and connected their lips, allowing them to share a heated and passionate kiss.  
  
“I’ve got to go,” he told her after they broke apart.  
  
Ash whined and moaned, “no, stay.”  
  
“I don’t think I’ll be allowed-”  
  
“You can stay,” I mumbled before I went to close the door, “just don’t be too loud.”  
  
I managed to close the door quietly and composedly, but it was not the same for the door to my room. I stormed inside and slammed it shut, the sound echoing throughout the house. Without stepping on Jack, I jumped into bed and punched the wall.  
  
“What’s got you all worked up?” Jack chuckled, thinking I was not being as serious as I actually was.  
  
“You’ll see tomorrow,” I murmured before I pulled the covers over my head.  
  
I could have cried right there and then.


	23. The Morning After the Confusing Outburst that Confused the Shit Out Of Him

**Jack’s POV**  
  
I really had no idea what got Alex so pissed off all of a sudden, so the next morning, I was actually really curious. He was already up and was sitting at his desk, doing something on his laptop, which was really unlike Alex. Normally he would sleep until one in the afternoon. And the mood swing he had was also completely unlike him. First he was all worried about Ash not coming home, then he was happy and thinking about asking her out, which I fully supported, then he was worried again, and then Ash came home. The last thing he did before going back to bed was slam the door shut and acting super mad about something. I just really wanted to know what got him like that.  
  
Alex typed something before fully concentrating on reading the screen. I tried shuffling a bit in bed to see his screen, but there was too much reflection going on; the screen was set to dark and there was too much light shining through the curtains. So, I figured that he’s just tell me, like he always did.  
  
“Is everything ok?” I asked, my voice croaking a bit and I sat up straight.  
  
Alex jumped and quickly shut his laptop. His head snapped towards me and he almost stumbled backwards with the chair. After he composed himself he groaned, “I guess…”  
  
I got out of bed and stretched, my bones cracking and clicking back into place, “what you doing on your laptop.”  
  
“Nothing,” he stood up himself and started walking towards the door, “how about we go get something to eat?”  
  
“You can go,” I told him, wanting to be alone in this room for a bit, “I just want to put on some jeans, so I won’t scare Ash away with this magnificent dick.” I looked down at what I was wearing: nothing except some black boxers.  
  
“Fine,” there was no emotion in Alex voice as he closed the door and went to the kitchen himself.  
  
Of course I wasn’t just letting him go alone because I wanted to put on some clothes. To be honest, I wouldn’t even give a shit about it. I would walk around this place naked if Alex would allow me to. It was my body and I definitely wasn’t ashamed of it. I mean, why would I? Sure, it wasn’t the best body or a body to be proud of, but it was still just.  
  
Anyway, enough about that. I wanted to check what Alex was doing on his laptop. That sucker once told me his password, and I never forgot it after. I would use it so often when I was here, you could basically say it wasn’t just Alex’s, but also mine. This was like my second house. So, I opened the laptop and quickly entered the password, only having to redo the whole password once because I hit the wrong letter. That always happened; you would know you only messed up the last letter, but you’d have to do the whole password again just because, if you know what I mean.  
  
Ok. Sorry. I keep sidetracking. I swear to god, it was a sin, not a gift.  
  
The first thing the opened, was the thing I was looking for. How stupid was Alex to leave the site open? All teenage guys knew what to do when getting caught doing something on their laptop. He forgot the most basic rule ever. Close the fucking window. But I guess it was only to my advantage this time. Only, you could say what I saw wasn’t what I was expecting. It was a twitter post of last night’s party. There were two people kissing, and one of them looked a lot like Ash, but the gy did not look at all like Alex… But I could technically be anyone, the photo was actually of something else, and the couple was in the background. It was blurry, so there was a chance it wasn’t Ash at all.  
  
Oh, who was I kidding. This was definitely Ash. She was wearing the same clothes and the hair was the same length. No wonder Alex was mad. But how did he know about this yesterday? The photo was posted this morning, not while the party was still going. Maybe he was mad at something else. Or somebody could have texted him that they saw it happen. But then again nobody except our friend group knew that Alex had a crush on Ash… Hmm… this was weird.  
  
Oh well, my stomach was rumbling and I was really hungry. I quickly put on my jeans, to make sure Alex didn’t get suspicious, and ran down stairs to the kitchen, where Alex was staring at his cereal sadly. I sighed to myself and made a mental note to cheer him up. That was what I was there for.  
  
I grabbed a bowl of cereal for myself and sat next to him, attempting to get him to talk, but to no avail. He gave me short answers and was more focused on swirling around his soggy cornflakes than on listening to me. I even tried making dick jokes that he would normally think were hilarious! But nothing changed. This was definitely going to be a difficult case.  
  
“You know you’re going to tell me what happened yesterday, some time, right?” I told him, giving up with trying to get him to forget about it.  
  
Alex shrugged and played more with his food, “maybe.”  
  
“I saw the photo,” I continued, hoping he would finish off the sentence, which I didn’t even know how I wanted it to be finished.  
  
“Cool,” Alex nodded and rested his head in the hand that wasn’t stirring the milk with the metal spoon.  
  
“You don’t know if anything happened though,” I told him, thinking I was going in the right direction with this conversation, “so don’t lose hope just yet.”  
  
Alex dropped the spoon in the bowl, “you know what, Jack?” He looked right at me, “I know exactly what happ-”  
  
He was cut off by giggling, which sounded a lot like Ash. But what confused me was that there was another laugh along with it… a rumble that was a lot lower, a voice different to Alex’s father… No… it couldn’t be… There was no way Ash came home with a guy last night.  
  
Oh, wait, no. Yes, she did. There was definitely a guy following her into the kitchen. Ok, now I understand why Alex was so mad and upset earlier. This guy was like a god. I wasn’t gay or anything, but I couldn’t even deny that this guy was good looking- no, he was just fucking hot! No wonder Alex was acting like this! Ash was with a guy that wasn’t him, and he was a perfect specimen of the human race! Couldn’t he just share some of his good looks so things would be a bit more fair?  
  
“Morning,” Ash chirped and the guy nodded at us giving us a small ‘hey’, you know, just one of those greetings guys did.  
  
When I realised Alex was not going to say anything back, I took over, “morning. How was last night? Anything to gossip about?”  
  
“Other than that Harper totally ditched me for a guy 5 minutes into the party, not really,” Ash grabbed two bowls, standing on her toes to reach for them, and put them on the counter, “Oh, wait! I have an announcement to make!”  
  
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Alex tried joking, but I could sense some seriousness and awkwardness in his statement.  
  
“No…?”Ash apparently also noticed some of the awkwardness, “I was just going to say that I remember every single detail of last night despite the hangover! I might still be a little drunk, though.”  
  
“What did you drink?” I looked at her very astonished, definitely realising that there was still some alcohol in her system now that she mentioned it.  
  
“I started with a Jack and Coke,” Ash thought back, “but the rest I don’t know. People were just giving me stuff, and I drank it. It all tasted good, though, so I didn’t mind.”  
  
“You also had some beer and some shots,” the guy added, “and I forced you to drink a whole bottle of water.”  
  
“Very true,” she nodded and started making two bowls of cereal and milk, just like mine and Alex’s, “and I thank you for that.”  
  
“No problem,” he kissed her cheek. I could see Alex cringe away slightly. He probably wanted nothing more than to disappear and not witness any of this, but we both knew that if he left now, his crush would be way too obvious.  
  
“Oh right,” Ash suddenly looked up at us, “I forgot to introduce you guys,” Ash pointed and the tall guy who had no shirt on, and had surprisingly good abs, “this is Luke. Luke, this is Jack and that is Alex.”  
  
“Hey,” Luke greeted again, now knowing our names.  
  
I replied to him by saying the same thing back, but Alex said something completely different, “aren’t your parents going to be super worried about you, maybe you should get back home?”  
  
Luke chuckled and shook his head at Alex’s statement, “I hope they’re not worried, we’ve gotten past that stage during my freshman year of college. And, besides, I live by myself in a small one story house.”  
  
Oh, wow. A college guy. That definitely made Alex feel even worse about himself. He probably felt like that guy was so much better than him. And, as much as I was concerned about my best friend, I couldn’t help but wonder what type of party this was.  
  
“Wasn’t it a high school party?” I asked curiously, making sure my tone wouldn’t offend him, because that was not what I wanted.  
  
“Technically, yes,” Luke accepted a spoon from Ash, “but one of my mates wanted to get revenge on his ex, so then my other friends decided to tag along, and I wasn’t going to be the buzzkill, so I joined along. I was about to leave, but then I met this pretty little lady,” he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek again.  
  
“Cool,” I told him. Well, that question definitely didn’t help me with the Alex situation. He was still just stirring his cereal, it not mixing together with the milk to made a weird mixture.  
  
Ash noticed something was off about him, and asked him, “what’s wrong, Alex? Is everything ok?”  
  
Alex only hummed in response, so I once again I came to save the day. I quickly answered before Ash could ask anything else and make stuff even worse, “he’s not feeling so well, I’m guessing a stomach bug or something.”  
  
“Oh, that sucks, I hope you feel better, Alex.”  
  
Alex didn’t do anything and just kept staring. Well this really wasn’t going good at all. Maybe I just had to get him away for them for a while. And maybe talking would help a bit to get rid of some of the feelings he had. I wasn’t really the guy to feel something for a girl, but I understood how he felt. The couple of times I did develop feelings, I was always left heart broken. But I was better at hiding it than Alex. Nobody ever knew.  
  
“Maybe we should go back upstairs,” I suggested and took away the bowl from Alex, putting it in the sink along with mine. Alex stood up unemotionally and I walked with him as if he were actually ill, just to make this whole lie a lot more believable.  
  
When I took a quick glance back at the kitchen, I saw Luke’s hands on Ash’s waist, and Ash’s arms wrapped around his neck. The space was closed between them and their eyes were closed while their lips were touching.  
  
Well, this situation was very messy.


	24. Mixed Signals and Dates

**Ash’s POV**  
  
It was a couple of days after the party, and Luke and I kept contact. To be honest, I actually really, really liked him. Not only was he super -- and when I say super, I mean super -- hot, but he was also funny, and really kind. And oh my god! He was such a great kisser... but that also sort of made me feel even less experienced. He was a master, while he was literally my second kiss. Luckily, though, he didn’t really seem to notice, or at least he didn’t mind. It didn’t stop him from kissing me.  
  
Mostly, we just send cute and flirty messages to each other, oh and you can’t forget the occasional funny selfie. No nudity, though. I would never be stupid enough to send a nude picture, or even take one for that matter. I just- just all the cute things he said to me, made me feel so happy. I really liked this guy, and that’s why I immediately said yes to him when he asked me out on a date. Some people might say a 17 year old dating a 20 year old was weird, but I really didn’t care, and it didn’t seem like he did either.  
  
But, for now, the time leading up to the date, I was in Alex’s room. He had turned a bit cold towards me again, but also just seemed a bit different in general. The bright smile I had gotten used to, was no longer used that often anymore. He was mostly in a constant daze and just wouldn’t socialize that much anymore. Not even with his best friends! Instead of hanging out with them, like he nearly did every day, he would just drive us home and immediately lock himself up in his room.  
  
Did that stop me from trying to hand out with him, though? No, it definitely did not. It would be the last thing I would even do in a situation like this. Having a brother with bipolar and anxiety disorder, I knew you should never do anything like that ever. It will only make things worse. So, I made sure that Alex knew he had at least one friend, even though he might not have been planning on telling me what was wrong. And I didn’t mind. If he wanted to stay quiet about it, he could, but if he wanted to talk to someone, he had to know I was there for him.  
  
Oh, and, by the way, I thought I’d catch you up with the whole brother in the hospital situation. They eventually got him talking… after he got to call me, though. So, he did take the extra dosage on purpose, but it wasn’t a suicide attempt. His thoughts were going all over the place again, and he was starting to hallucinate. In his panicked state of mind, he thought taking more medication would help, and get rid of all the evil. But that obviously didn’t work. I was just happy he was ok and that he wasn’t actually having suicidal thoughts outside of his attacks.  
  
Now, back to me sitting in Alex’s room. I was just keeping in company while we were both doing homework. It wasn’t a group project or anything, but, like I said before, I didn’t want Alex to be alone. He was my friend, and I wanted him to know that. All we were doing was listening to music while doing completely different homework. But, he didn’t seem happy or pleased, nor annoyed or angry that I was here with him. When I knocked on his door to ask if I could join, he just walked back in, keeping the door open, and went back to his laptop. So, I was just sitting on his bed, trying to do some math problems while he was typing up some essay or something.  
  
The album playing was Folie A Deux by Fall Out Boy, it definitely wasn’t their best album, but it did have to song that got me into them on it. And that song was totally playing right now. I just couldn’t resist moving along with it a bit, but I could contain my terrible singing. Ok, no. I couldn’t. I had to sing along very quietly with the chorus; it was more like a mumble, though.  
  
“Give me a pen, call me Mr. Benzedrine, but don't let the doctor in, I wanna blow off steam and Call me Mr. Benzedrine, but don't let the doctor, don't let the doctor in,” I went along with the music, but stopped when the next verse started. I wasn’t going to make a complete fool of myself. But Alex noticed a noise coming out of me.  
  
“What are you doing?” he laughed, the first thing he actually said to me since I came in.  
  
I shrugged and looked at the sums on the paper, “homework, math homework to be exact.”  
  
“No, the murmuring,” he pointed out.  
  
“Nothing,” I chuckled, hoping he would drop it before I embarrassed myself, “I was probably thinking out loud.”  
  
He smirked and threw a pencil at me, “you liar! You were totally singing along!”  
  
“So what!” I didn’t care about my humiliation, all that mattered was that Alex was smiling again. So, I threw the pencil back at him, “you do it all the time, I’m allowed to do it as well once in awhile!”  
  
“Well, I actually sing loud, so that everybody can hear, “ Alex did a faux hair flip, acting like he was the best thing in the world.  
  
I scoffed, “not everybody can sing as amazingly as you can!”  
  
“Oh, so you’re admitting I have the best voice ever?”  
  
“You sneaky little bitch!” I jumped up from my place and started attacking him. He quickly grabbed my arms before I could try anything, and got an ever greater advantage by standing up as well. I tried getting my arms out of his grip, so I could get him back, but he was quicker. He let go of me, and in a split second started tickling me: my weakness. I couldn’t help but scream out and jump while laughing. You could make me do anything if you started tickling me. I just couldn’t deal with it.  
  
I tried escaping by running towards the bed and falling onto it, but that just made it worse. He was now able to tickle me, and I had literally nowhere I could go to. Alex had a major advantage, and was totally winning this thing. I could not make a come back… unless I tripped him, causing him to fall. Yeah, great idea in my head, not so great when actually done. I pushed Alex’s legs away with my feet, but it made him fall forwards and on top of me. Now we were both laughing at the entire situation… until we looked each other in the eyes. Suddenly everything went silent, and I thought it was so awkward. I leaned up and pecked his nose, giggling while he blushed. But it didn’t make him move, nor did he look away-  
  
My phone beeped with a notification, and I reached for it while Alex rolled off me. It was just Harper sending me an image. But what caught my attention was the time. Shit. I didn’t have enough time!  
  
“I have to get ready!” I exclaimed and shot up straight.  
  
Alex kept lying down, just looking up at me with a confused face, “ready for what?”  
  
“My date with Luke!” I got all my stuff together and rushed to the door, “and I haven’t told your parents that I won’t be here for dinner! Shit! I won’t have enough time to get changed!”  
  
“Oh,” Alex’s mood changed completely again, but he still felt kind enough to give me a compliment, “you look good though, don’t worry.”  
  
“No, you don’t understand,” I looked at him with wide eyes and shook my head, “I really like this guy. It doesn’t work like that!”  
  
He didn’t say anything anymore, and just returned to his laptop. I thought I had offended him, or maybe made him upset by leaving, but I liked Luke so much. I could make it up to Alex later, but now I needed to get dressed nicely, and had to tell Isobel that I wasn’t going to come home until later. So, I rushed into my room, threw my stuff on the bed, ran downstairs to the kitchen where Isobel was starting to make dinner -- there was no point in getting changed and then have her not give me any permission -- and told her my plans. Luckily, she said it was fine, so I sped back to my room and looked through my closet. There had to be something that would look good enough.  
  
Never had I ever rejected so many outfits, and never had I ever thrown so many clothes around my room. It was like a bomb had exploded in here, but cleaning that up was going to have to wait. Right now, I first had to put on the outfit that I finally found: a simple white skater dress with blue stripes, and dark blue wedged sandals. There was no time to lose for my makeup either. I actually wanted it to look good, and not like some toddler put it on. And let me tell you, you either do blue eyeshadow well, or you just don’t do it. Luckily, there was eyeliner and mascara to make it look a lot better.  
  
But, ok. I actually thought I looked pretty good. All I needed now was Alex’s confirmation. So, I ran to his room and span around. He nodded and smiled, but didn’t say anything, before returning to his laptop. Well, that gave me a great confidence boost… not. But I wasn’t going to let him bring me down.  
  
The doorbell rang, so I shooted towards the front door, and opened it. Luke was standing there, a big grin on his face when he saw me. I gave him a quick kiss, laughing at the lipstick I left on him before rubbing it off with my thumb. Just as we were about to go, Isobel joined us to see who was taking me out.  
  
“Isobel,” she shook Luke’s hand, “Alex’s mom.”  
  
“Oh yeah, I met Alex before,” Luke nodded and gave her a warm smile, leaving out the part that he had been here before. Isobel did not need to know that I came home with some random guy one night after being really drunk.  
  
I clarified it a bit, looking in between them, “Luke doesn’t go to our school, he went to Zack’s school and was a Junior when Zack was a freshman, so they don’t know each other.”  
  
“Oh, well,” Isobel gave me a look, probably doubting the age difference and if it would be acceptable, “don’t let me hold you up.”  
  
“I’m sorry for stealing her this evening,” Luke apologized politely, “I hope you don’t mind.”  
  
“Oh no,” she brushed it off, “it’s all good. Now go have fun!”  
  
“Thank you,” I told her, before we said our goodbyes and Luke and I rushed to his car.  
  
I was so excited for this date!


	25. A Surprising Twist That May or May Not Be Good

**Ash’s POV**  
  
Luke parked his car. I had been trying to figure out where we were going for the entire car ride, but he just wouldn’t tell me. All I got was that we were going to be outside and alone. So, it couldn’t be a restaurant or cinema. But I didn’t know what else he could have planned. It was our first date, so it probably wasn’t going to be something big and romantic. But what else did teenagers do on dates? I didn’t know. This was my first one ever, but I didn’t think Luke knew that. I hadn’t exactly told him that he was the second person I ever kissed, or that I never went on a date before, let alone that I was a virgin. But he didn’t seem like somebody that would mind.  
  
He quickly got out of the car and opened my door before I could. I laughed at his cheesiness, but got out of the car nonetheless. But something was confusing me. There was literally nobody around. The car was parked in an empty parking lot, there was an apartment complex on the opposite side of the road, looking like everybody was asleep and wouldn’t care about any noises. An orange eerie glow was coming from the streetlights, just barely places far enough to illuminate the entire sidewalk, and right next to us was a deserted park lacking of any light. Where the fuck were we! This was totally not a place I wanted to be on my first date! Was is too late to ask to go back home?  
  
“Come on,” Luke grabbed my hand and started walking towards the park, “let’s go.”  
  
To say I was freaking out was an understatement. I did not know what was going to happen and something was just telling me to leave, but Luke’s grip on my hand was so tight. There was no way I could run if I had to. Who knew what Luke had planned for us to do in that abandoned park! Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… I didn’t know what he wanted to do… what he wanted to do to me… I should have insisted on knowing what we were doing before I actually agreed on going out with him. God! How stupid was I!  
  
“Luke,” I mumbled, hoping that he couldn’t hear how afraid I was, “you’re hurting my hand.”  
  
“Sorry,” he said and loosened his grip only a small bit, like he was afraid I was going to run away. He opened the small gate and still wouldn’t let go of me when we walked in. After quickly closing the gate again, he continued down the gravel path. Maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad, right? Maybe we just had to walk through the park to get somewhere else- wait. He diverted our route so we were going off the path and instead towards some trees and bushes.  
  
“Umm, Luke, where are we going?” I chuckled nervously and looked around if I could see anybody. But this was the area of town that got deserted as soon as the sun started setting. And maybe there was a reason for that… a good reason.  
  
He got closer to me and whispered in a deep voice before kissing my neck, “I told you, it was going to be a surprise.”  
  
Oh god. Please, no. Please don’t. Why wasn’t I doing anything! This was the perfect place for him to rape-  
  
He pushed past one last bush and what I saw in front of me was beautiful. There was a small lake shaped like a horse shoe, and an amazing white wooden gazebo. The whole small building was lit up by bright fairy lights, a fair share also hung up in the trees. Seeing this made the rest of the park seem so... fake. I would never have expected the rest of the park to be deserted and dark. But this, wow, this was amazing.  
  
Luke walked us to the gazebo, where a blanket was placed with some food on it. He finally let go of my hand as we both sat down. If I had known we were going to sit on the floor, I wouldn’t have worn a dress. Now I had to sit with my legs to one side instead of being able to easily use both my hands and sit indian style. But that was the only thing that sucked. I just couldn’t stop looking around the place. What magical power did fairy light have? They managed to make anything look beautiful and surreal. This just made me like Luke even more, scrap me being afraid just a couple of minutes prior.  
  
“How did you manage to do this,” I gasped while I looked at the light reflecting off the slowly rippling water.  
  
Luke shrugged and took the bottle of coke, pouring two glasses, “one of my friends helps maintain this place, so he helped me set this up. I have connections.”  
  
I giggled, “well, I think it’s amazing and I really love it.”  
  
“I had to make sure this was the best date you’ve ever gone on,” he handed me one of the glasses before taking the cling film off the plate with sandwiches.  
  
I took a sip of the drink, silently laughing at myself for freaking out before, “you could have literally done anything and it would have been the best date I’ve ever been on.”  
  
“Oh, all the others been so bad?” he frowned and got more comfortable by shifting a bit.  
  
“Never been on one before,” I smirked and sneakily grabbed one sandwiches that were now in the middle for us to eat.  
  
\----  
  
After finishing all the food and laughing about random things, we put all the cups and plates to the side. This way we could shuffle closer to each other. We started off sitting next to each other, Luke’s arm behind my body, but slowly but surely we started lying down. So that was what we were doing now. I was lying on his chest, my arm on the other side of his neck, while his arm was now tightly wrapped around me. Sloppy kisses were being shared, and smiles were being returned. Part of me just didn’t understand why this amazing guy was here with me, while another part of me really didn’t want it any other way. I never felt like this before, but I really liked him.  
  
“Were you being serious when you said that this was your first date?” Luke suddenly piped up in a calm voice.  
  
I hummed in response, confirming that it was true, before sitting up and looking down at him, “what? Don’t believe it?”  
  
He grinned up at me and brought his hand up, keeping it behind my neck, “I just don’t understand why boys don’t drool over a girl like you.”  
  
“Oh, some of them do. It never happened back home, but when I came here, that all changed,” I rolled my eyes thinking about all the annoying guys that just didn’t understand the word ‘no’.  
  
“Do I have to come to your school and beat some of them up,” he joked, chuckling himself, before pulling me down so our lips met, “ain’t nobody touching my girl.”  
  
“So, I’m your girl now?” I raised an eyebrow but could help but grin at the same time. I never had somebody call me that, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It just made me feel special in a way.  
  
“Well, I hope you’ll be.”  
  
I nodded and leaned forward to make our lips touch again. It started off sweet and innocent, but in no time things were starting to get more heated. His tongue started exploring my mouth and I moved over further so I could straddle him. My fingers tangled in his soft brown hair, while his hands traveled to my waist. His touches felt amazing, but I had to stop what we were doing before we went too far. So, I broke our kiss and sat back up straight.  
  
“Is something wrong?” Luke asked me, but didn’t take his hands off me yet.  
  
“No,” I shook my head trying to think of the best way of telling him, “it’s just, umm, just, I’ve, umm, uh, I’ve never…”  
  
He guessed, “never had sex outside before?”  
  
I shook my head, but then stopped realising that that was also part of it, “well, yeah… but I’ve never had sex in general?” It came out more like a question than as an actual statement.  
  
“Oh, I can deal with that,” he smiled at me, “we won’t do it now, don’t worry. I’ll be able to control myself.”  
  
I was happy enough with that answer to start kissing him again. This guy was literally perfect.


	26. Mistakes That Cause Judgement and Rolling Eyes

**Alex’s POV**  
  
Yes, it really fucking sucked that I didn’t fucking go to that stupidass party where Ash met that stupid fucking guy. Because now she was fucking falling in love with some fucking guy that wasn’t me while I was left to fucking deal with heartbreak. Just great; really fucking great! I finally get the courage to ask her out, and she just goes off with another guy. Couldn’t she just see that I was head over heels for her? Wasn’t it obvious? Well I guess it really fucking wasn’t, no, was it?  
  
Oh, who was I kidding! This was all my own fucking fault! If I had just built up the courage much sooner, I would not have been in this situation. I should have just listened to Rian, Jack, and Harper much sooner. They were telling me to just go for it, but I just wanted to wait it out all the time. But then again, Ash was never interested in any guy, until Luke came along, so she probably didn’t feel shit for me despite all the looks we gave each other. It was all my own fault, and I couldn’t change it anymore.  
  
I was all alone. Not just in the sense that I had no chance with Ash, but also in the sense that nobody was fucking at home! Sure, just leave the guy who obviously has been feeling like shit at home all alone. My parents were out having dinner with friends, Ash was on her third date with Luke, and I was just all alone in the big fucking empty shitty house. Normally I would be cool with that. You know, play music loudly, play my guitar loudly… watch porn and masturbate loudly… But I didn’t feel like doing any of that today. Maybe I just had to call Jack and ask him to come over. Yes, I had been distant and maybe even a bit annoying lately, but I knew he would still come over if I asked. I could even ask another friend to come, if I wanted.  
  
So, I got out my phone and called the only number I could think of at the moment.  
  
Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang. I rushed downstairs to open the door, happy that there was finally somebody here to keep me company. Normally I wasn’t the one that always needed people around him. Sure, I liked attention, but it wasn’t like I was an attentionwhore, if I said so myself. I just really needed someone right now. It wasn’t everyday that I felt like this, I had just been alone with my thoughts for way too long.  
  
I opened the door and put on my widest smile, “hey, Harper!”  
  
“Hey, what’s up?” she stepped inside and took her leather jacket off, “why did you need me?”  
  
“I just wanted some company…” I mumbled and closed the front door, “everybody’s out, and I’m here alone.”  
  
“Oh, ok, that’s ok,” she smiled at me and pushed her hair out of her face, “why didn’t you ask Jack, Rian, or Zack, though? I think they’d be much better company.”  
  
“Maybe,” I shrugged and walked into the kitchen, getting us two glasses of water without asking her if she wanted something, “but for some reason I called you, so feel special.”  
  
“Don’t tell me what to do, boy,” she laughed and took one of the glasses out of my hand.  
  
What I liked about Harper was that we had slept together a couple of times, but there was never any awkwardness in between us. We would be all over each other one night, the next morning we would still wake up next to each other, and then after that we were still civil around each other without any feelings getting in the way. You could basically say we were fuckbuddies before Ash turned us into friends. Harper was maybe even the only one that actually knew how I actually felt about Ash. The guys only knew that I had a crush, but Harper just managed to somehow dig deeper and understand without me having to say anything. I had never felt this way about a girl before, and Harper seemed to know this. It was the reason why I asked her to come over. She was the only one that understood.  
  
We sat down in the living room, not bothering going downstairs where we would usually sit since my parents weren’t home anyway and I wasn’t planning on making a mess. It was quiet for a while, slightly awkward, but also not too weird. We both just didn’t really know what to say. I mean, we knew what we were both thinking, but that was all.  
  
“So, umm,” Harper spoke up and put her glass down on the coffee table, “how are you feeling?”  
  
I laughed and did the same with my glass, “honestly? Terrible.”  
  
“It was be horrible seeing the girl you like be happy with someone else,” she gave me a sympathetic smile.  
  
“Yeah, that sucks, but what makes it worse was that I finally got myself to build up the confidence to ask her out. I literally told Jack I was going to do it, and then a couple of hours later, she comes home drunk with a guy and I was trying to convince that it wasn’t what I thought it was, and then they kiss right in front of me. That’s what’s sucks the most.”  
  
“I get it,” Harper gave me a thoughtful look, “and I wish there was something I could say like that there are more girls out there, or stuff like that, but I know that won’t help. You really do like her, and it’s the worst when people just tell you to get over it. So, I’m not going to do that. But I’m happy you called me to talk, we have all been worried.”  
  
She might have been the popular girl in school, but she really wasn’t one of those stereotypical bitches. It wasn’t like she tried to make fun and hurt anybody on purpose just to make their lives miserable. Actually, she did the opposite; it was one of the reasons why she was so popular. Not only was she pretty, but she was actually kind to everybody and tried to help everybody out, me being an example right now. Why couldn’t I just have a crush on Harper? For some people that would be so far fetched, but for me it probably was more realistic. I had slept with her before, we were now friends as well, and it would make sense.  
  
So, I just looked at her while all this was going through my mind. Eventually she realised I was just staring at her blankly, so the turned her head to me and giggled, “what?”  
  
I just leaned forward and cupped her cheek and started kissing her. Did it feel right? No. Was I doing it? Yes. Did I care? Definitely not.  
  
\----  
  
The next day at school, Jack and I got out lunch together since we both came from the same class. We were walking up to the table where everybody was already sitting. Rian was sitting next to Ash, while Lianne and Harper were sitting opposite of them. Jack and I joined them, me sitting as furthest away from Harper as possible, next to Rian, while Jack took a seat next to Lianne.  
  
Harper rolled her eyes and scoffed when she saw me. Before anybody could react, she grabbed her tray and stood up, going back to the table she always used to sit at with her jock and cheerleader friends. As soon as she was gone everybody turned to look at me, as she had totally looked me in the eyes when she sighed in disgust.  
  
“What the fuck did you do?” Jack asked bluntly, not even beating around the bush.  
  
I shrugged, acting like it wasn’t a big deal, even though it really was, “I just asked her to come over yesterday and I fucked up.”  
  
“No way,” Rian shook his head disapprovingly while the two girls were just looking at each other, confused out of their minds, “you did not sleep with her… did you?”  
  
Right as Rian said that, Ash nearly spit out her drink. She quickly slapped her hand on her mouth to stop any liquid from spilling out anyway and looked at me with wide eyes. A part of me hoped she did that because she didn’t want me to do that to Harper, but to her. But that was way too far fetched.  
  
Ash confirmed that my hoped were wrong, “why the fuck would you do that! You can’t do that! You know she’s been seeing someone, right? Oh my god!”  
  
“She has?” I mumbled. I honestly did not know that, but now it just made me feel like shit. If I had known, I would never have ever done any of that. Fuck! I was just messing up everything!  
  
“You done fucked up,” Jack muttered and just simply stared at me.  
  
Ok, no, I had had enough. I was done with people having comments about me. Sure, there had only been four, but I didn’t give a fuck. With a broken heart you are just so much more vulnerable and emotional. So, before I even knew what was going on in my mind, I started shouting, “you know what? I know that I fucked that up! I didn’t even mean for it to happen, but for some fucking reason my brain started to stop working and it didn’t make reasonable decisions. So what? Nothing happened between us! Yes, sure, my weird brain tried to make things happen, but then Harper pushed me away and I immediately regretted it! Did I say sorry? No, because she ran out before I could. Did I know she was seeing someone? No, I did not. And have I had enough of this shit? Yes, I have. So, don’t mind me while I leave.”  
  
And with that I shoved my tray of food towards Jack and stood up, walking out of the cafeteria like I really didn’t give a fuck. But, in reality, my brain had just shut off again, like what I was talking about in my mini rant/speech. So, yeah… as soon as I was in the hallway I was just lost and didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could think of doing was continue walking down a couple of hallways before punching a wall.  
  
And I immediately regretted that, shaking my hand while trying to get rid of the pain, “ouch.”  
  
There was a giggle next to me, causing me to turn my head to find Ash standing not far away from me. She walked up closer and I just wanted to hide in a hole. This was so embarrassing. The girl I liked was watching me do stupid things… really stupid things… I probably wasn’t going to be able to play guitar for a while; having a messed up left hand wasn’t going to work well.  
  
“You know,” Ash leaned against the wall while I was cradling my throbbing hand, “we’ve all realised that you’ve been out of it recently. And I’ve been trying to be there for you, but you haven’t been talking to me. I understand, though, that you don’t want to. I just want to be there for you. So, if you want talk to me and tell me what’s wrong, is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?”  
  
Ok, so, that was kind of useful to know. I had been so confused about Ash still hanging out with me so much, but now it all made sense. While everybody decided to leave me alone, she thought it would be better to stay around and show she actually cared. And I did appreciate her for that, I really did, because often things could go horribly wrong if people started acting like this. But she didn’t know that she was a big part of why I was feeling this way.  
  
“You can kiss me?” I joked, referring to the Harper incident, but secretly hoping she would actually do it. However, that would probably only make things more complicated… right? Unless she suddenly confessed the feelings I hoped she had for me. But that would never happen, because they didn’t exist.  
  
“I can kiss your hand better, if you’d like that,” Ash offered instead, so I accepted with a laugh. It was probably better that what I had suggested anyway.  
  
“You’re going to be ok, right?” she asked me when the bell went.  
  
I nodded, but deep down inside I knew I wasn’t going to get over this heartbreak that easily. Maybe just suppressing my feelings was going to work better. It was worth a shot.


	27. Not Listening Gets Someone To Complain

**Ash’s POV  
**  
“So, Ash, are you going to come as well?” Jack asked me with while stuffing a slice of sloppy pizza from the school canteen, in his mouth.  
  
“Huh?” I looked up from my phone, surprised to have heard my name. For the entire lunch break, I had been texting Luke. We took every chance we had to text each other, so basically in between classes and in breaks. It hadn’t gone far enough for me to start texting him in class, but the urge to answer when I heard my phone buzz in the bag, kept getting stronger and stronger as time passed.  
  
“The Sum 41 concert…?” Jack told while everybody else was just staring at me as if I had committed a terrible crime.  
  
My phone buzzed again, notifying me that Luke had answered, but I couldn’t be rude and ignore my friends, “concert? When?”  
  
“We were literally just talking about the whole thing!” Rian groaned with big gestures, making me feel very guilty for not paying attention.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled and put my phone on the table, causing the buzzing of messages to be amplified, “I wasn’t really listening…”  
  
“Yeah, we realised,” Alex scoffed in a hushed tone, but I still heard him. He had been getting a bit better, joining some more conversations than a couple of days before, but he still wasn’t the happy hyper Alex I remembered. I hadn’t been able to figure out what it was all about, but I thought it would just be better to leave him be, and be there if he actually wanted to talk to me. But now he also started making bitchy comments, like the one he just said. Normally he used to use them as a joke, but they actually seemed to be honest now. Something was just setting him off that caused him to be like this, but I couldn’t figure it out.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, feeling honestly ashamed of myself. I was never the girl to always be texting or always be on her phone in general, but in just a week, I had turned into one of them. Never did I mean to annoy my friends because of it…  
  
My phone kept buzzing, the messages first coming at a 10 second interval, before the intervals kept getting shorter and shorter, to the point where it was just one message after the other. I would have picked it up and answered, if it weren’t for the fact that I literally had just put it away, trying to prove something to myself and to the others. But everybody was just staring at the phone that was making so much noise.  
  
“Don’t you want to answer that?” Rian pointed at the device.  
  
“Ummm…” I picked up my phone and quickly looked through the messages. It was basically Luke freaking out and being worried because I wasn’t answering. We had been texting back and forth and then I just suddenly stopped in the middle of the conversation, of course he was going to be worried. So, I quickly texted him telling him that I was sorry, but that I had just realised people were asking me questions, so that I had to go for the time being.  
  
“So, do you want to join us or not?” Jack raised his eyebrow at me and looked at my untouched plate of food. Speaking of which, I probably wanted to eat that before the bell went in 5 minutes.  
  
“When is it?” I asked, hoping it wouldn’t clash with any plans I had with Luke, because, seriously, Luke and I really tried to meet up pretty often. In the two weeks we had been together, we already went out seven times… which was, like, every other day. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. He really was great, even though he barely talked to the others when he saw them. I understood that, though, I also wasn’t very comfortable around his friends, so why would he be comfortable around mine?  
  
“In a couple of weeks,” Rian told me before stating the specific date, “I already got the tickets… so…”  
  
“Ok, yeah, sure, I’ll come and I’ll pay you for the ticket as soon as I get my hands on some cash,” I told him with a smile. Even if I wouldn’t be able to make it last minute, I would have at least payed Rian back  
  
“Oh, and Lianne and I were thinking of getting ice cream after school, do you want to come?” Harper added, drinking some water from her water bottle. She still didn’t feel comfortable being around Alex alone, but she didn’t mind being in his presence.  
  
As much as I would have loved to, I couldn’t. Sure, I wasn’t spending as much time with my friends as I had been able to do before, but they understood, right? It would be exactly the same for them. So, I had to decline, “I’m sorry, I’m going out with Luke again today, maybe next time?”  
  
“But you said that last time!” Lianne pouted, making me feel pretty guilty. It was true, I had bailed on them so often before. I had been spending most of my time doing something with Luke, whether it be texting or actually hanging out with him.  
  
I frowned and decided to just give up on eating any food, “I guess I could cancel my plans with him…”  
  
“No, it’s ok,” Harper told me before anybody could agree with it, making me actually cancel my date with Luke, which I had been looking forward to, “just come next time.”  
  
“Will do,” I smiled as the bell went. Everybody collected their stuff and rushed to their own individual classes, Alex and I awkwardly walking next to each other to the same one. I didn’t know what it was that made it awkward, but it still really was. There was silence while we sometimes accidentally bumped into each other, or Alex was clearing his throat weirdly. Why this happened really did not make any sense.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
After school Ash still walked out with us, but she parted ways as soon as we got outside. Her ‘boyfriend’ was already waiting for her, sitting on the hood of his car, acting all cool with his stupid sunglasses and his stupid muscles. It wasn’t that cool. I mean, a black shiny car that was pretty nice and was all his, wasn’t that special. So what I didn’t actually have my own car that was awesome? So what I didn’t have a chiseled face and basically consisted of only muscles? So what that guy was basically what every girl wanted and I wasn’t? He wasn’t that much better.  
  
Ugh, fuck it, he really fucking was. Everything about that dude was perfect. It just wasn’t fair. Of course Ash would choose him over me! Sure, Ash didn’t exactly know I had feelings for her, but she could have waited just a bit longer, right? I just hated that stupid boyfriend of hers. It was not normal for some college guy to live in his own house, have his own cool car, look all fucking hot and shit, and also be a good person. There was no way that was possible! And did I voice my opinion about it? Hell yes I did!  
  
“Dude, calm down,” Jack sighed, just waiting to be able to play a couple of songs already, “you’re just pissed and jealous because he isn’t you.”  
  
“So not true!” I gasped over dramatically. Who cared if there was some truth to it? I still had to look like I didn’t really care that much. Of course this whole thing was a big fucking deal to me, but I didn’t want the others to know it was that bad.  
  
“Alex, stop lying to yourself,” Zack mumbled and shook his head at me.  
  
I wasn’t lying to myself, I was only lying to them, but that didn’t stop me from defending myself, “I’m just saying I don’t like that guy.”  
  
“I actually don’t think he’s that bad,” Rian shrugged while twirling his drumsticks around, “he seems to make Ash happy, and he seems like a cool guy.”  
  
“There’s just something I don’t like about him,” I urged, hoping they would just understand me. It wasn’t just that I didn’t like him because I was jealous, there was something else as well, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. He was just too perfect to be real; no human being was that perfect.  
  
“Can we just play this new song you were talking about?” Jack groaned out of frustration, obviously having enough of my complaining, just like the others, “I get that you don’t like him, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”  
  
“Fine,” I grumbled and plugged my own guitar into the amplifier. If they didn’t want to understand and agree, sure they could do that. I just didn’t like that guy. No, wait, scrap that. I fucking hated that guy. The way he smirked at Ash just got my blood boiling and the look he gave her when she wasn’t looking was like he was undressing her with his eyes. That guy was acting like he liked Ash a lot, but it just didn’t seem right.  
  
He was just simply a dick.


	28. The First Step That Might Change Things

**Ash’s POV  
**  
Going out with Luke was always fun. Whenever he suggested somewhere to go or something to do, it was just completely and utterly fun. I don’t know how he did it, but it always happened that way. Even with things that I wouldn’t want to do or was skeptical about at first! Like, I would never have gone to a college party if it weren’t for that guy, nor would I have ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle. I probably would have never done any of those things ever in my life. Luke was totally making me more open to new things and way more daring. I actually kinda liked it; I was no longer the shy girl.  
  
Right now, we were at Luke’s house, on his bed, having just come back from a football game at his college. Yes, there was some kissing and making out involved. But who cared! I definitely didn’t. If I could kiss a guy whenever I wanted, I was going to do it. It wasn’t like Luke didn’t want me to do it, quite the opposite actually. He quite enjoyed those moments, especially if they went further than just an innocent kiss.  
  
We started another one of our heated kisses, so, instead of us just facing each other on the bed and kissing, I raised myself up and got on top of him. This allowed me to comfortably straddle him and steady myself by putting my hands on his cheeks. His fingers trailed over my clothed body before slipping underneath my shirt and tickling my skin lightly. I decided to attack his neck, knowing that is would turn him into mush in no time.  
  
“One of my friends scored tonight,” he mumbled and I just hummed in response really not know where he was going with it, “maybe I’d get lucky and score as well.”  
  
I couldn’t help but grin against his skin. He always managed to jokingly suggest things like that happening between us with innuendos. Even though he always proposed it, we never actually went there. I still wasn’t comfortable enough to go that far, and Luke always patiently waited, which I was pretty surprised with, since I knew he could get any girl he wanted that would offer it to him. I just wasn’t that far yet.  
  
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I laughed as I sat up, sitting fully on his stomach.  
  
His hands were still on my torso, slowly crawling up further, “definitely.”  
  
I slapped my hands over his and pushed them down before he could get to the body part he really wanted to grope, “not today.”  
  
“Aww,” he pouted and instead started drawing shapes on my thighs.  
  
“No, trust me,” I shook my head and moved his hands away again, “even if I were ready, you wouldn’t want any of your body parts close to my private area this week.”  
  
Luke stared at me with confusion for a while, when his face suddenly changed form, showing that he finally understood what I meant. However, the look he gave me was nothing promising, as he shot up straight, pushing me off him, “ewww! No! Don’t fucking sit on me!”  
  
I frowned, really not having expected him to react that way, “it’s just some blood. And there’s something that absorbs it all, my underwear, my jeans, your shorts, and your boxers still in between us. You know that, right?”  
  
“Just no! That’s fucking gross!” He exclaimed and jumped off of his bed.  
  
“Umm, ok?” I let out a confused chuckle while I pushed some hair behind my ear. I looked around the room awkwardly before slowly walking up to where I had placed my school bag, “should I just leave then?”  
  
Luke sarcastically thought for a bit, before nodding his head, acting like it was the most obvious thing ever, “umm… yeah!”  
  
“Will you still drive me home?” I carefully asked, not wanting to make him more weirded and grossed out than he already was.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
And that was one of the most awkward car ride ever. We didn’t talk, we didn’t hum, we just sat there quietly; Luke focusing on the road, while I just tried to look anywhere but him. If I would have know he would have reacted like that, I wouldn’t have even said anything! How stupid was I being! Fuck! We had only been together for three weeks, yet I still told him. That was totally the wrong move on my part. And then, when we arrived back at Alex’s house, he only very quickly pecked my lips, keeping his distance from me, before just staring at me to make me get out of the car.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV  
**  
Something was off… weirdly off. Ash already seemed a bit quiet and in deep thought when she came home after her date with Luke. She didn’t laugh like she normally did, and kept looking at me, inspecting my face while we were watching TV together. It was really weird, because the look wasn’t like she was interested in me, but more like she was trying to figure something out. I would have asked her what it was, but I couldn’t. Something inside me froze, and she didn’t seem like she wanted me to ask. Whenever I looked her way and caught her staring, she would continue to look at me, not fazed at all or not freaking out about me catching her. It was like she was staring at something behind me, or through me, but at the same time it wasn’t like that.  
  
But then, when at school during lunch break, it was just so much more suspicious. The entire time I never even saw a small glimpse of her phone. It wasn’t in her hands, and she wasn’t texting away the entire time. Nor was that stupid grin on her face that made me wish she smiled at me like that. Also, the annoying buzzing from when the device was placed on the table wasn’t present. It was like Luke never even existed. But the way Ash was still kind of silent and didn’t join in with our conversation, just reminded me that he was still there somewhere.  
  
I was sitting opposite of her, so I was able to notice all of this, while the others were more focused on each other. They probably realised something was off, but didn’t think much of it, or just simply didn’t realise what it was. I, however couldn’t just drop it. She looked so lost and confused, that I was afraid that if I left her alone, she would be going in the wrong direction. So, I nudged her foot lightly with mine to get her attention.  
  
After she looked up at me, I whispered, “are you ok?  
  
She nodded and looked back down at the food she had only been picking small pieces from. Another thing completely unlike her. If she knew there was food and she had time to eat it, she would totally eat the whole thing without much trouble. She wasn’t one of those girls.  
  
“Ash,” I mumbled to get her attention again, without making everybody else also notice we were talking, “what happened? You’ve been acting weird since you came home yesterday.”  
  
“Everything’s fine,” she whispered, putting down her fork, not bothering with her food anymore.  
  
“Ash,” I warned, really not believing her. There was something going on, and I just knew Luke had something to do with it. Was he trying to hurt her? Was he trying to do thing she didn’t want to do? Maybe he cheated on her, or maybe he broke up with her.  
  
“Alex, everything’s fine!” she said a lot louder than she probably intended and stood up, grabbing her bag, before rushing out of the cafeteria.  
  
“Good job, Alex,” Harper rolled her eyes at me. She had been making comments like that about me all the time, somehow always trying to make me feel bad about myself. I knew I messed up with her, but that didn’t mean she had to try to make me feel even worse about it than I already felt.  
  
“What?” I sneered and glared at her, really not liking the fact she kept trying me like this, “I don’t know if you realised, but there’s something wrong with Ash. I think it has something to do with Luke.”  
  
“Alex, the guy’s a good kid, stop trying to blame things on him that obviously aren’t his fault,” Jack sighed, having enough of my constant complaining about the person the Ash called her boyfriend.  
  
“But-”  
  
“I agree with Jack, Alex. We understand that you’re having a hard time with this and that you feel jealous, but you’ve got to give the kid a break!” Rian exclaimed with a sigh.  
  
\----  
 **Jack’s POV**  
  
I understood where Alex was coming from, but he really had to tone it down. Sure, it sucked that Ash had a boyfriend and that Alex had to basically witness it all happening. But that didn’t mean he had to always find reasons to hate him. I actually didn’t think Luke was that bad. Yes, he didn’t talk much to us, and no, he did not often hang out with us. But whenever we were left alone with him while Ash quickly went to get something, he still seemed cool. He seemed genuine when he looked at Ash; he really liked the girl. I didn’t know the reasons why he liked her, but the looks he gave him were looks I totally understood. He liked Ash.  
  
Now, with Alex, things were pretty complicated. Band practises were mostly filled with complaining, he scoffed whenever we were around Ash and Luke and they would share a kiss, and he just couldn’t seem to get over her. It was even more likely that he was falling more and more for the German exchange student. I know it was difficult to get over someone, but he could at least tone down the things he was doing. We all knew he was trying so hard, but that something in him just wouldn’t allow it.  
  
But Luke honestly wasn’t a bad guy!  
  
Of course I realised that Ash hadn’t been texting him constantly, but that didn’t mean something happened between them. Luke was in college, meaning he also didn’t always have all the time in the world to text his girlfriend. He could have been busy with something else, just like Ash often was as well. So why would something be wrong?  
  
And you might ask me why I still thought that even though Ash ran out during lunch. But I can easily give you an answer for that. Alex was bugging her, obviously. He was pushing her too far, and Ash just couldn’t handle it anymore, so instead of getting really mad and causing a scene, she left before things got to worse. It was just as simple as that.  
  
Plus, my whole theory was only supported by what happened at the end of the school day. Luke was waiting for Ash, even though she was supposed to be hanging out with us today. He had some red flowers in one hand, and a teddy bear in the other. The way Ash smiled at him just made me wish I would find a girl that would look at me like that. She rushed over to him and he said some words that looked very honest from the facial expressions he was giving her. After having given the gifts, they locked their lips together. Ash got in his car, and they drove away.  
  
But of course things weren’t that simple, because we still had Alex with us. He groaned and glared at the car that rushed off, before sticking both of his middle fingers up in the direction the vehicle was driving. Let’s just say he didn’t take the fact that Ash was disappearing off with Luke, instead of going with us, well.  
  
“Cheer up, buddy,” I hit his back a couple of times in support before wrapping my arm around his shoulders, leading him to his car, “she’s still coming to band practise tomorrow.”  
  
“Yeah right,” he grumbled underneath his breath.


	29. Several Possible Endings

**Ash’s POV  
**  
The day really sucked, but when I saw Luke standing outside with the flowers and teddy bear, I couldn’t help but feel much better. He might have been the cause of my I felt like shit, but he was also the reason why I felt better again. As soon as we made eye contact, I ditched my friends and went up to him. I knew they were going to hate me for it, but I didn’t want thing between me and Luke to end yet… I liked him too much for that. He was the only guy that actually showed interest in me without being creepy or weird, and I felt the same about him. I was not going to let this be one of those high school relationships that would end after three weeks.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he gave me an awkward and guilty smile, holding out the gifts for me, “I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I don’t really have an excuse, other than that I did have an ex girlfriend that sort of traumatised me.”  
  
“It’s ok,” I accepted both the flowers and the cute teddy bear, “I shouldn’t have told you, that was my mistake. I don’t even know what went through my mind and why I did it.”  
  
“Don’t apologise for that!,” he cupped one of my cheeks and gave me a loving smile while his eyes twinkled, “It’s better that you told me than that I did something and found out myself.”  
  
I didn’t really know what he meant with that, but I giggled anyway. He grinned back at me before leaning down and giving me the kiss that officially ended this weird sort of argument we had. I couldn’t help but smile when he pulled away.  
  
“You know I really do like you, right?” he asked me, afraid that I was still blaming him.  
  
“Of course I do,” I quickly pecked his lips for extra confirmation, “and I really like you.”  
  
“Good,” he mumbled and took hold of my hand, “do you wanna go grab some coffee with me or something now?”  
  
“Sure,” I couldn’t help the smile that kept forming on my lips.  
  
Luke went to the driver’s side and got in while I went to to get in at the passenger side. I had forgotten completely about my friends who I was going to hang out with. All that was on my mind was that Luke also didn’t want this relationship to end yet. Even though I didn’t love him yet, I already loved how your relationship was going; it was definitely going in the right direction.  
  
The cafe wasn’t too far away, so we managed to get there in five minutes. I left the gifts in the car and let Luke take my hand while we ordered our drinks before sitting down at one of the empty tables. He decided to have some iced coffee while I just had a normal hot chocolate. I always liked coffee, but the aftertaste would always annoy the hell out of me after a while. So, instead of taking the risk, I just took the safe option.  
  
Luke couldn’t stop grinning and smirking at me, causing me to blush whenever I caught him. We were sitting in silence, and his looks made me feel so shy. I couldn’t help but giggle, “what?”  
  
“You’re just so beautiful,” he gushed while smirking at me once more, “I’m so lucky to be with you. There’s so many guys you could be with right now, yet you are here with me! I can’t believe it! You are just so fucking beautiful!”  
  
Scrap me blushing before, because now I was literally full on blushing like crazy. That guy just had a magic power over me that would make me flush and suddenly feel very timid. It was very weird. A guy had never been able to do that to me before.  
  
\----  
  
After finishing our drinks, we decided to take a small walk around the area. Luke had his arm slung around my shoulders, and I was holding his hand while resting my head against him. Everything fit perfectly and I couldn’t imagine doing all of this with anybody else. Luke was the only person I would want to do this with. The kisses we occasionally shared made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and he barely had to do anything to get to blush.  
  
But now, we were back at his house again. We had had a long cuddle session, but this time there wasn’t as much making out as last time. I didn’t feel like it, and maybe, just maybe, didn’t want to do it because I was afraid to fuck up again. But it seemed like Luke had forgotten all about it and didn’t care anymore, and I was grateful for that. It would have been so embarrassing if he still minded the whole situation.  
  
“Hey,” Luke spoke up before kissing the top of my head, “do you want to go out tomorrow?”  
  
I thought for a while and went to agree before I remembered that I had promised Alex and the others I would be there to watch band practise, “I would really like to, but I promised the others I would listen to this new song Alex wrote.”  
  
“Aww, come on, Ash,” he pouted and pushed himself up so he could look me in the eyes, “I wanted to take you out on a nice romantic date.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” I giggled and shook my head, “I already ditched them today, I can’t do it tomorrow as well! They’ve been wanting to do this for so long!”  
  
“But you are always around them!” he whined, trying to convince me, “I want my Ash-time as well.”  
  
“I spread my time out equally, stop being such a baby,” I joked, but Luke didn’t think it was as funny.  
  
“Just spend some more time with me, and less with them, please?” He begged, giving me puppy dog eyes, “I want you all for myself, I love you so much.”  
  
I froze up. Did he just say that? Woah. Umm… He said is so easily! How could he say something like this so easily? I definitely didn’t love him yet. Yes, I liked him alot, and I was on the road to loving him. But this was way too quick for me.  
  
I just acted like I didn’t realise and chuckled awkwardly, “fine, but only for you.”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
Today was the day we were going to show the new song to Ash. I was no longer bummed out about her leaving with Luke the day before, since she actually decided to join us this time. She didn’t bail, nor did she have any excuse; she kept her promise. Nobody probably knew exactly how much it meant to me. They all knew it did mean something, but not how big of a fucking deal this was.  
  
No, the song was not written for her… _necessarily_ … there were a couple lines inspired by her, sure, but the song was mainly about other girls. So, yeah, that wasn’t the reason why I wanted her to hear it. I wanted her to hear it, because, like I said before, I really valued her opinion. Although I didn’t have a chance with her anymore, I still cared so much for her.  
  
“Ok, guys,” Ash fell back onto the couch, “are you going to play this song or am I going to go upstairs and change again so you can practise?”  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that she knew I sent her upstairs last time to get change just so I could practise it a couple of times before she actually listened. But that was when I was worried just a bit more about what she thought than I did now. No, my feelings hadn’t changed, but I didn’t feel like I had to impress her as much.  
  
“No, I think we’ve practised enough this time,” I chuckled and picked up my guitar that I just left at Rian’s place. Everybody else also picked up their instruments -- well, Rian sat down at his instrument and picked up the sticks, but whatever.  
  
We started off the song and I waited for my cue to start signing as soon as Rian started playing, “ _Lipstick has a way of leaving more than just a mark on my sheets…_ ”  
  
Ash seemed to carefully listen along and swayed along slightly with the lead guitar. She grinned as I sang ‘week’ with a bit of vibrato, and I could help but smile back at her. So far she seemed to enjoy it.  
  
“ _Take off your makeup and put down the camera…_ ”  
  
Now she started to head bang slightly and tap her fingers along with the beat, liking the chorus the way it was. It seemed like we were doing well. When we started the next verse she still seemed into it, and I felt so happy. Nothing could go wrong anymore. I kept repeating the same words in the bridge, before finally ending in the chorus again and slowing down the finish off the entire song.  
  
She clapped loudly and whistled, as if we were actually playing for a whole crowd. Everything about her was so enthusiastic, and I basically fed off that energy. I actually felt good about the song, but I still had to ask her, “what do you think? Be honest.”  
  
“I really like it!” She exclaimed a grinned widely, showing off her teeth, as she clapped her hands again, “but, since you asked me to be honest. You’re missing something in the bridge.”  
  
“I fully agree,” I told her, having thought about this for a while as well, “but I don’t know what to add.”  
  
“Hmm…” she nodded and thought for a while, before her eyes lit up, telling me she had an idea, “what are the lyrics again?”  
  
“She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets, get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces,” I told her with a questioning tone.  
  
“Ok, play the whole song again. And don’t you dare stop playing or singing. You have to keep going. I apologise in advance.”  
  
Apologize in advance? What? What was she going to do? I still started off the song nonetheless, and kept wondering what she was going to do. All she was doing was listening again, not really doing anything. It didn’t even look like she was preparing for something. But then the bridge hit, and I waited patiently. I went through the sentence once, but still nothing-  
  
Suddenly she opened her mouth and started singing along in a different pace, “ _she gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets, get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces, are you having a good time sweetheart?_ "  
  
As she finished off the last word we went into the chorus again. It was perfect. It sounded right, and it made sense. And her voice was actually really good! She hit the note perfectly and her voice didn’t crack! Was there anything this girl wasn’t good at?  
  
“That was amazing,” I stared at her with my mouth wide open as soon as we finished.  
  
She shrugged, suddenly feeling awkward with the looks we were giving her, “you might want to get either Zack or somebody else to sing that.”  
  
“But that was so good!” Jack exclaimed with amazement as he slapped his hands on his cheeks, “you’re voice is even better than Alex’s!”  
  
“No it’s not,” she shook her head and pushed some hair behind her ear, something I realised she always did when she was nervous or got shy, “I don’t sing.”  
  
“You should, though,” Zack contradicted, nearly telling her off for thinking she wasn’t good, “trust me.”  
  
“Even if you think my voice is good,” Ash still didn’t want to believe it, “you should get a guy to sing it. A girl voice doesn’t really work. It’s from a guy’s point of view, the girl can’t be singing about herself.”  
  
“Ok, fair enough,” I shrugged, not wanting to push her too far, “but I am so writing down that line.”  
  
“You’ve gotta give me credit though.”  
  
“Definitely.”


	30. When All The Shit Starts Going Down

**Alex’s POV  
**  
I was waiting for Ash at our lockers. She had been called back by John as soon as the bell went. It was pretty weird, since teachers usually only did that when the student was in trouble. But Ash was a good student and John seemed to love the fact that she was able to play the piano so well, and not just play some chords to the most recent pop songs. You could say he favoured her pretty early on, not that he didn’t have any other favourite students.  
  
So, anyway, I was waiting at my car, wrapping my hoodie around me tighter. It was late-mid October already and the weather certainly had cooled down. It no longer allowed shorts, and t-shirts were often just a bit too cold. Even though my mom told me I should have brought a jacket, I was of course being stubborn, and said I didn’t need one. I just hoped that the car wouldn’t break down, leaving us in this chilly breeze.  
  
When Ash came walking out of the front doors of the school, I immediately perked up and unlocked the car, “so, what was it about?”  
  
“It’s going to be a surprise,” she grinned like a fool and opened the door, throwing her bag in the backseat.  
  
I joined her and put my keys in the ignition, “nothing bad?”  
  
“Nothing bad,” she shook her head and smiled at me, as if I had something to do with it, “at least not so far…”  
  
“You’re not going to tell me?” I raised an eyebrow and pulled out of the parking lot, driving down the road.  
  
“Nope,” she giggled excitedly, “not yet.”  
  
I shook my head at her and payed my attention back to the road. Now, you might be wondering my Ash was so excited. No, it probably wasn’t because of the news she heard just now… well, she did seem a bit more excited. But she had been like this for a while already. Luke had promised her to take her on a ‘romantic date’. I had no idea what that meant, but he told Ash to dress up nicely. Over time, I had learned to make my opinion less known, but I still thought that guy was a dickbag. I mean, how couldn’t I? He was a fucking asshole that was together with the girl I wanted. Nobody seemed to believe me, though. They all thought he was nice, but just didn’t know how to act around us. Yeah, _right_.  
  
It was another day where my parents wouldn’t be home until later, and we decided to hangout at my place. This meant that I could use the actual living room, instead of the basement, which we often used for movie nights. We probably were still going to reside to that place, though… we feel more ‘at home’ there. But sitting in the living room, meant that I would be able to see Luke before Ash went out with him. I didn’t want him doing any stupid shit to her, of course I was going to want to secretly inspect him!  
  
As soon as we got home, Ash ran upstairs to get ready, while I joined my friends in the living room. They had already found snacks, and had brought my acoustic guitar down from my room. I guess we always still played music, even though we weren’t actually having band practise. When I saw everybody already had a drink, I quickly went to the kitchen to grab myself one as well. I may or may have not added a shot of some sort of alcohol in it…  
  
I sat down on the couch, and Jack turned to me, moving the guitar so neither of us would break it, “is Ash going to join us?”  
  
I shook my head, and took a gulp of the weird mixture I made, before putting my feet up on the coffee table, “nope, she has that date with Luke, remember?”  
  
“Oh yeah,” Rian nodded, clearly also have forgotten about it, “now I get why she run up so quickly. I thought we were going to have to get mad at you or something.”  
  
I rolled my eyes, of course they would think I would do something so stupid. Yes, I made the girl cry before, but I had changed. I would never ever to anything on purpose to make her cry ever again. That would be just very stupid of me. Like, seriously, I wouldn’t even sabotage her relationship with Luke, even though I really wanted to.  
  
After a while of just fucking around and shit, the doorbell rang. I was about to get up and open it, but before I could even react, Ash was running down the stairs, surprising me she didn’t mess up her footing and tumble down, before opening the door. There were voices, and soon after, Ash returned in the living room, pulling Luke along with her.  
  
“Ok, so I’m going to finish getting ready,” Ash announced, letting go of Luke’s hand, “and then I have to tell you all something!”  
  
With that she rushed off, leaving Luke to awkwardly stand there. I shrugged, not really feeling it was my responsibility to make him more comfortable. Instead, I picked up the guitar and started strumming the chords to and singing Teenage Dirtbag, because, you know, what else would you do in a situation like this? I was about start off the second verse, when Luke cleared his throat loudly. However, I continued to play-  
  
“Hey, buddy,” he was suddenly hunched behind me, whispering loud enough for the others to hear, in my left ear.  
  
I put the guitar down and tilted my head slightly in confusion, “umm… hey?”  
  
“You stay away from my girlfriend, you got it?” He grabbed both of my shoulders as if to threaten me.  
  
I decided to push my luck and ask him why. If everybody said he wasn’t such a douchebag as I thought he was, then he probably wouldn’t do anything. But if he did, then what I had been saying the entire time would be correct. So, it was a win win situation.  
  
“Are you being fucking serious right now?” his grip got tighter and it actually started to hurt, but I knew he was even stronger than that, “you know exactly why! I see the way you look at her, don’t try to tell me I’m wrong!”  
  
“You’re wrong?” I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but I was just testing how far he’d go, making it come out like a question rather than a statement. But it was like he was asking for it, you couldn’t really blame me.  
  
However, Luke did not seem to like my answer at all. He hit me on top of my head, hard enough to hurt me, but not too hard to give me any major problems. After he heard a groan from me, he went back to digging his nails into my shoulder blades, “you better fucking stay away from her!”  
  
“Woah, dude, calm down,” Zack stood up for me. He was the shy kid, but if one of us was in trouble, he wasn’t afraid to intervene. After all, he was the muscle of the group… but he wasn’t near as muscled as Luke. There was no way Zack would win this fight if it came to it.  
  
“Don’t you ‘dude’ me!” Luke harshly ripped his hands off me, and stood up quickly, glaring at Zack before turning to Jack and Rian as well, “you all better stay away from her, you got me!”  
  
Before any of us could do or say anything back, we heard Ash’s bedroom door open. Luke immediately composed himself, changing back to the normal person we knew before. Was this guy was being fucking serious? I was about to call him out, when I was caught of guard my Ash. She looked absolutely stunning. She was wearing a red dress, black shoes, and her hair was put up. Everything about her was perfect. And then I was broken out of my daydream by her softly kissing Luke. Oh yeah, _that_ guy was here still as well.  
  
“Ok, so, what I wanted to tell you all,” Ash included us now as well, “my dad said my grades were a lot better here than in Germany, so he’s happy to let me finish off school here. He already sorted it all out with the school, so I get to stay here if I want!”  
  
I was about to open my mouth, tell her that it was great news, and maybe even give her a hug. But Luke claimed her before any of us could do something. He wrapped her in a hug and it didn’t look like he was planning on letting go soon, knowing that he didn’t even want us around her.  
  
“Now all I have to do is find a place to live, and I’ll be set,” Ash added after Luke finally decided to let her go, having a feeling that we all got the hint.  
  
“You could move in with me!” Luke told her without even having to think about it. I choked on my own breath, but played it off like a normal cough. There was no way I was going to allow Ash to live with him! That would be so dangerous!  
  
Ash looked at him, hesitating before giving him an answer, “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”  
  
“Why not?” he pouted, trying to guilt trip her. Oh boy, was he a fucking sneaky dude.  
  
“Because I need to focus on school, and I’m not ready to have such a big commitment. Maybe after I graduate, but not any time soon,” she told him honestly.  
  
“You know, I could always ask my parents if you can stay here until you figure that all out,” I suggested carefully, not wanting to set off Luke. He actually managed to scare me: he wasn’t afraid of hurting us.  
  
“Thanks, Alex, I appreciate that,” she gave me a small smile before turning to Luke, “shall we go?” And with that they both said goodbye to us, even though Luke probably didn’t mean it, before walking out of the door.  
  
What did I do? I just picked up the guitar and continued the song Luke made me cut off, “ _her boyfriend’s a dick_!”  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
After our amazing date -- Luke had taken me out to a restaurant that was pretty fancy -- we decided to go to Luke’s place for a bit, since we still had some time to spare. I wasn’t on planning on having anything go down… but Luke had different plans. As soon as we entered the house, he pushed me up against the wall and started kissing me. I didn’t think too much of it then, since we had done that before. And soon after he started walking us to his bedroom before laying me down on the bed. He was hovering above and continued to kiss me. I tried stopping him a couple times, but he would just continue. None of my excuses had worked, and he just wouldn’t stop. I thought he was just joking and playing with me, so I didn’t give too much effort. However, when I saw the time, I realised I really had to go, and told him, but that didn’t matter to him at all.  
  
“No, seriously Luke, I have to leave,” I giggled, trying to push him off of me.  
  
Yet he still didn’t listen. Instead, he continued to kiss my neck, grinding against me, and feeling up my dress.  
  
“Stop it,” I pushed him off and stood up, “seriously, what’s wrong with you?”  
  
He stood up as well and grabbed my hips before lustily whispering, “I just want you.”  
  
“And I just want to do my homework,” I grabbed his hands and threw them back at him, “I don’t want to do this with you yet!”  
  
“You fucking bitch!” He shouted before bringing his hand up and slapping me across the face.  
  
“What is wrong with you!” I screamed, bringing up my own hand to caress my face before running out of the house and into the pouring rain.


	31. The Night That Kept Them All Awake

**Ash’s POV**  
  
I was so relieved to hear that none of Alex’s friends weren't here anymore (an exception for Jack, I saw his car outside). Before coming back here, I wandered around in the rain, crying my eyes out. I had no clue what had just happened. I thought Luke actually cared about me, he even accidentally told me he loved me! But I guess I was wrong. First he tried to force me into something I didn’t want to do, and then he hit me because I tried to get away. My face was burning and throbbing, and I couldn’t help but think how stupid I was. I was a bitch, just like Luke told me. I was _worthless_ … I was _nothing_ …  
  
I stayed out until one in the morning, not caring about all the dangers that could be lurking out there. It didn’t matter anyway. I was hurt enough already, I didn’t give a fuck if anybody tried to hurt me more. It wasn’t the slap that hit me the most, it was more the reason why it happened. He had been so sweet and understanding at first, why was he trying to get me to do more all of a sudden? It was all my fault. There was no way I would be able to keep a guy like im around somebody like me without actually putting myself out there and being open to whatever he wanted to do!  
  
When I entered the house, my hair dripping, my dress ripped apart from falling over and getting stuck in bushes, and my makeup smeared all over my face, I was surprised to see that Alex’s parents were nowhere to be seen. Well, that was until I remembered they were out with friends for dinner, and probably wouldn’t be home until later, and seeing how late it was now, it was very likely they stayed at their friend’s house. It just meant it was a lot easier for me to sneak in without anybody seeing me like this.  
  
I slowly crept through the dark house, going up the stairs so I could take a shower. Not bothering to check myself in the mirror, I stripped off what was left of my clothes and stood in the warm water, not feeling anything. Although the water was hot, I felt like I was still in the cold pouring rain. _Nothing_ could comfort me anymore. I ran my hands over my face to get rid of the smudges makeup, wincing as I touched the tender part at my eye. The stinging feeling of his hand hitting my skin flashed through me again, making my pull away my hands as quickly as possible and turn off the shower. I rushed to put on my underwear and pajamas, not wanting to be naked much longer than necessary.  
  
Just as I was about to slip into my room, I heard laughing and talking coming from Alex’s room, meaning that he and Jack were still up. Deciding it would be best to let them know I was back, I knocked on the door before carefully opening the door, standing so they would only be able to see a silhouette of me.  
  
When I say both Alex and Jack looking at me, illuminated by one of their phones, I decided to speak up, “hey, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m back and going to bed.”  
  
“How was the date?” Jack asked while stretching out.  
  
“It was good,” I mumbled, slowly walking back before they could ask me any more questions, “goodnight.”  
  
I heard them say goodnight back to me while I closed to door. Maybe they realised that something was off, but I really didn’t care at the moment. I just trudged back into my room, happy that neither of them followed me, and huddled underneath the covers. It was still dark and cold. Dreading going to school the next day, I let more tears fall.  
  
It felt like just a couple of seconds after I fell asleep when I was woken up by a loud scream. I shot up in bed, trying to find out if it was in my dream or in real life. When I didn’t hear anything for a while, I thought it might have either been me or my imagination. But then more laboured mumbling continued. It was like the person was trying to say ‘no’ over and over again.  
  
I got out of my bed and slowly opened my door to inspect the noise further. There was dimmed light coming out from underneath Alex’s door and I could hear the noise more clearly now. Jack’s voice was there as well, and crying started. I really did not know what was going on, but I still tiptoed across the hallway and opened the door. Alex was shaking and crying, trying his best to catch his breath. Jack was next to him, trying to get him to calm down, but it didn’t seem to work.  
  
“What’s going on?” I asked, but not too loudly in case I would make everything worse. I had never seen Alex like this before and Jack looked like he was trying to do a usual routine. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to go, but I really looked like things were going wrong from where I was standing.  
  
“It’s never been _this_ bad!” Jack looked at me with pleading eyes, like he thought that I knew what I was supposed to do. And that was when it all settled in. Alex was having an anxiety attack. I did not know why, but I did know that that boy needed help. There was no way I was going to let him pass out.  
  
I quickly took a seat next to Alex, on his bed, while Jack stood up so Alex wouldn’t feel crowded. Before doing anything else, I grabbed Alex’s sweaty hand and put my other one on his chest, causing him to look up at me. I didn’t know whether or not he was actually paying attention to me, but having him look at me maybe it seem like I was able to reach him better.  
  
“ _I’m going to fucking die!_ ” he screamed, sobs breaking his voice while his breathing became more rapid.  
  
“No, you won’t,” I tried, rubbing circles on his chest like I would do to my brother when I hadn’t found a method that always worked, “it’s going to be ok.”  
  
“I’m dying!” he sobbed once again, shaking his head at my statement.  
  
I had to try another method, but I didn’t know which one. Whatever I did, I had to be very careful. As much as whatever I did could help him, it could also make everything a whole lot worse. I only knew what to do if it was my brother, but I never had to help anybody else before. This was a whole new situation, and I was freaking out myself, but I couldn’t let Alex know that.  
  
“Maybe you will,” I started in the calmest and softest voice I could possibly use, “but you won’t die by yourself. I’ll be right there with you.” I had to make sure to continue talking to he wouldn’t have time to overthink everything I said and change it into something a whole lot worse. “It will be like a Romeo and Juliet situation. You get to pick who you want to be, I don’t mind who I am.”  
  
Yes, I knew Alex and I weren’t in love, or anywhere close to that. But I knew for my brother that telling him stories would sometimes help, and it seemed like it was working for Alex as well However, he still hadn’t calmed down fully. So, I continued, “you know, being Romeo actually wouldn’t be so bad. I would be able to have all those sword fights with the people that are against us. Do you think I would be good at that? I mean, I might be able to handle a sword pretty well.”  
  
I continued until I felt his breathing go back to normal, mentioning all the things he would be able to do if he were to be Juliet. Slowly but surely he seemed to calm down, and reflecting back on it I had no idea how it worked. I basically retold a love story/tragedy where I would play the guy and he would play the girl. If anything, that should not have helped him at all, or he should have gotten even worse. But it seemed to have worked.  
  
Before I could ask him how he felt now, he frowned up at me, still in a confused daze, “what happened to your eye?” I winced as he reached up to graze his finger across it, causing him to give me a stern look.  
  
“Nothing,” I told him, hoping he would forget about it and just leave it be. There was no way I was going to tell anybody about what happened. It was way too embarrassing.  
  
He looked at me as if he wasn’t hearing me right, not believing me one bit, “but it’s all bruised.”  
  
 _Well, shit_. I didn’t think it was that bad. Sure, it did hurt a lot, but i didn’t think it was visible! Was it even possible to get bruised from somebody slapping you? I thought that only happened when you were punched! I was going to have to cover this up tomorrow, or else I would get so many weird looks at school. _Shit_!  
  
When I didn’t answer, Alex started to force me to answer him by asking me more questions, “did Luke do this to you?”  
  
I couldn’t wait too long with giving an answer, or he would know. So, I quickly made something up, opening my mouth before I had the whole lie set out in my head, “no, well… yes, but not directly. We went to his place after having dinner, and he went to the bathroom. I walked out of his bedroom to get something to drink, but he opened the door exactly at the same time. He didn’t know I was walking past. So, the door hit me right in the face. I didn’t know it would actually give me a black eye.”  
  
I was actually kind of surprised with how believable I sounded. I chuckled in the right places as if I were remembering the awkward, embarrassing, and funny moment. But in reality, nothing like that happened. Alex and Jack didn’t need to know that, though.  
  
“Ok,” Alex muttered before rolling onto his side and closing his eyes to fall asleep. He was probably exhausted, and I wasn’t blaming him. I actually was also pretty tired, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep anymore.  
  
“Are you going to stay here?” Jack asked while climbing under his own duvet on the mattress on the floor, “or would you rather go back to your room?”  
  
“I think I’ll stay here, just to make sure everything’s ok,” I told him, but I also just wanted to stay here because I felt better surrounded my people now. However, I wasn’t sure where I was going to sleep. I couldn’t just assume that Alex would allow me to sleep in his bed, and the mattress Jack was sleeping on looked way too small for me to join.  
  
Luckily, Alex wasn’t asleep yet, and heard us talk. He shuffled over more to the side and told me to sleep beside him. I immediately felt more safe and comfortable, and I was pretty sure Alex did as well. Before any of us fell asleep, Alex asked me how I knew what to do. So, I told him about Kayden’s condition and about the song I wrote about him. I even mentioned the whole accidental suicide attempt. It felt good getting it all off my chest, and Jack and Alex seemed to understand.  
  
We all closed our eyes knowing just a little bit more about each other.


	32. A Forceful Change of Mind

**Ash’s POV  
**  
I had covered my bruise with makeup, making sure that nobody would be able to see unless they looked really closely or they removed the makeup, but that wasn’t going to happen. Although I knew that I covered it up perfectly, I still felt so self conscious and kept my head down whenever I was walking through the hallways. I didn’t want anybody calling me out and asking what happened. Telling Alex and Jack a lie was worse enough, I didn’t need to be lying to more people.

At least I didn’t have to see Luke anymore. I felt like I was falling in love with him, but he just suddenly changed. There was no way I could stay with him. If he cared, I would have, but he obviously didn’t. I didn’t care if we wouldn’t talk anymore, we were over. He fucked up, and I couldn’t accept that… but it was also partially my fault…

_Oh, who was I kidding!_ It was all my fault! If I had just given him what he wanted, then we would still be happily together! Why did I have to push him away? Why did I have to be so afraid? It was just sex, it wasn’t really big deal. Harper told me that I should have taken the chance when I got it, but stupid old me had to go and screw it up.

Once again, I was looking down at my feet while I walked to my locker to put my books away and get the stuff I needed for the classes after lunch. Alex was joking around with Rian just a couple of feet in front of me, having come out of the same class as I was in. Normally, I would keep up with them and maybe join in with some of the banter occasionally. But today I couldn’t care less, and it seemed like they couldn’t either. They hadn’t realised that I was steps behind them, not listening, and not joining in on their conversation. _Just another confirmation that **I fucked up**_. My own friends didn’t even care anymore. _Nobody cared_.

I looked up when I was nearly at my locker, and froze. He was standing right there, leaning against the locker next to mine, looking around the hallway for a specific person; looking for me. I wanted to turn around and walk away right there, but we had already made eye contact. His stare terrified me, reminding me of the look he gave me the night before. It was icy, cold, yet there was still a small twinkle in them; the twinkle I fell for. He was still in there somewhere…

Taking a deep breath, I continued walking, trying my best to ignore him while I opened the thin metal door after unlocking it. I could feel his eyes looking right at me, boring through me, trying to get my attention. Trust me when I say I really tried my best, but when he kept inching closer I started to freak out, thinking he might cause a scene in the middle of the hallway. _Nobody could know about what happened_.

I looked up at him, seeing him give me a small smirk when I finally got my attention. However, I did not return it. After what he had done, I wasn’t going to give in that easily, not while there were people still around to protect me.

“What are you doing here?” I mumbled, trying to keep my voice low and quiet so nobody around us would here. They didn’t need to suddenly get into all my business and secrets.

“I just need to talk to you,” he whispered back, having a similar idea to me.

“So, talk.”

“In private, though.”

I looked at Alex and the others and saw them already walking towards the cafeteria. I was going to ask them if they minded if I went to talk to Luke for a bit before joining them, but they didn’t seem to care. So, i just shyly nodded at Luke, and let him lead me to an empty classroom. What a great convenience for one to be open! I sat down on one of the tables, even though that would mean I wouldn’t be able to run if I had to.

Luke closed the door and came up to me, stopping in between my legs and putting his hands on my thighs, “I just want to say I’m sorry about yesterday, and that I love you. I don’t know what came over me. I think I might have drunk a little too much at the restaurant, and it’s just been a very bad week for me. Taking it all out on you was a mistake. I never want something like that to happen again.”

I had told myself that I wasn’t going to forgive him, but damn did I like this guy so much. He even said he loved me! How could I just break up with him when he confesses that! And it seemed like he had some good excuses… _right?_ I mean, he did apologize, that must mean something. It was impossible he was going to say all that unless he didn’t mean it.

“Okay,” I smiled shyly, looking up at him through my eyelashes. I might just have loved him as well, but I wasn’t ready to tell him. It was my small secret for now.

“Good,” he softly planted his lips against mine, pulling away just to rest his forehead against mine, “I just have one small request.”

“Sure,” I bit my lip, looking him right in the eyes while occasionally glancing down at his lips again.

“Stay away from Alex and those friends of his,” he slowly pulled away completely, tightening his grip on my legs just a bit more. I thought he was joking, but his facial features were completely serious and stern.

So, I frowned, “But they are my friends as well. Why would I stay away from them?”

“No, they are _not_ your friends,” he burst out, taking a step away from me, “ _They_ don’t give a fuck about you! I saw how they completely ignored you after class and just now! Friends don’t do that! I care about you; _I_ try to protect you,” the space he had created just a second before, was being closed once again, leaving him to freely shout right in my face, “Ok?! So you better fucking stay away from them! _I love you_ , they don’t! So, don’t you fucking dare hang around them anymore!”

I flinched as he growled the last word; I was terrified of what he was going to do next. It was likely he was going to try to hurt me again, and I couldn’t afford to have to cover up more bruises -- the one on my face alone took me 20 minutes! So, I just quickly and apprehensively nodded my head, agreeing to his suggestion -- no, wait, his _request_.

“Ok, good,” he calmed back down and kissed my cheek, “now go have some lunch, I don’t want you to be some skinnyass bitch.”

\----  
Alex’s POV

After class, I saw Luke standing at Ash’s locker, waiting up for her. I really wasn’t sure about him anymore. He had this weird angry and determined look that even terrified me! Of course I realised that Ash wasn’t walking next to Rian and I anymore, but I couldn’t dare let myself be caught around Ash while Luke was around. He was the least caring and the most frightening person here. Nobody could mess with him.

When Ash finally got to her locker, I heard them talking to each other in hushed tones, however I could never understand a single word. I didn’t understand why they would be talking like that, since normally Ash wouldn’t whisper unless it was to tease one of us with a ‘secret’. Their talk seemed to keep Ash held up at her locker for a while, and I decided to wait for her. But when Luke turned his head and glared at me, I knew it was time to go.

Yes, I should have stood my ground and fought against him, but that would only have hurt Ash. She really did like the guy and she seemed happy with him. The least I could do was let her be happy, and if Luke was what did that, I was going to have to be fine with it. Of course, I still had the same feelings for Ash, there was no way I could just forget about them and get over her. They would always be there, but i was just going to have to let it affect me a tiny bit less.

After we had gotten our food, and taken a seat at our usual table, I realised Ash still hadn’t come in yet. It was scaring me, wondering whether he would threaten her just like he had done to me, but that was just a silly and stupid thought. Of course he wouldn’t do that! But I still wanted to go look for… you know, _just in case_.

However, my worried were brought to a halt, when I saw her walk in and quickly join the line to get food. Since most people already had what they needed, the line was very short and she went through it in no time. I followed her with my eyes, ready to make some space for her by scooting up. But she never came; she never made eye contact or looking in our direction. She just walked straight to the empty table Lianne used to sit at, and sat there. Everybody else seemed to realise this as well, as when I went to tell my friends, I saw their heads looking in the same direction.

“Maybe she just wanted to sit somewhere else for once?” Jack suggested with a hopeful tone to comfort us all, “should we go up to her?”

“No, I’ll go, you guys stay here,” Lianne stood up, slung her bag over her shoulder and picked up her food, “she was the one that came to me when I was alone, now it’s my turn.” And with that she went to join the beautiful girl at the other end on the cafeteria.

“Guys, she thinks we betrayed her,” I mumbled with a sigh, watching as Lianne sat down right across with Ash trying to make a conversation, “we just walked away from her. That’s just mean. It’s like we don’t want her around us.”

“But that dude is terrifying!” Rian argued, “we can’t help it.”

“I know…”

It didn’t seem like Lianne’s plan was working. While she was still talking, although she had never gotten a reply back, Ash finished the last of her food before standing up to bring her tray away. She never looked back or Lianne, nor did she ever look in my direction.

**We** _really_ fucked this up.  



	33. The Concert That Started It All

**Ash’s POV  
  
** I managed to stay away from everybody I used to call friends although I still lived with and had to ride to school everyday with Alex. All I did was just make sure I never talked to him, and I walked away as soon as I could. There was no point for me making any new friends, because I was too afraid Luke would hate them too. But it was all for my own good, just like he told me over and over again. These people didn’t care about me, but he did and he actually made sure I knew that. So far these so-called ‘friends’ I used to have didn’t even try to figure out what was going on. They obviously couldn’t care less about me.  
  
Driving back home in a car with Alex, Jack, and Rian was pretty awkward. They were all laughing together, enjoying themselves, while I was sat quietly in the back seat staring out of the window. I didn’t pay attention to Jack sitting just two feet away from me, I didn’t care about the story Rian and telling, and I didn’t give a fuck about the laugh that used to make me break out into a grin myself. However, when we finally pulled up on the driveway, I didn’t feel any better.  
  
Luke was sitting on the steps in front of the front door, smoking a cigarette, probably waiting for me. I had no idea what he was doing; I had told him countless of times not to just randomly show up anymore. No, I didn’t say that because I was afraid, but I did it because I didn’t want anybody catch him punishing me. Whenever I did something bad, he made sure I knew it, and I had the bruises to prove it all. It was the reason why I always had to wear long sleeves and couldn’t wear crop tops.  
  
But for some stupid reason, I still did what I did next. Thinking back, it was a stupid thing to do, but I just did it. I got out of the car as soon as it stopped and walked towards the guy I called my loving boyfriend. He smirked at me, but I just looked back at him unemotionally and grabbed the cigarette from his hand, throwing it on the floor before putting it out with my foot. His smirk immediately turned into a glare and his jaw clenched. It was a terrible mistake on my part.  
  
“You said you’d stop smoking,” I pointed at the bent cigarette, bluntly stating a promise he had made when we just started dating.  
  
“You see,” he said matter of factly, taking the entire packet out of his back pocket to get a new one, “I did, but I started again. Technically I didn’t break our promise.” It was obvious he was forcing a smile with Alex, Jack, and Rian around, but I could read the actual emotion in his eyes: hatred. He opened the packet and turned it to me, “want one?”  
  
“No!” I exclaimed. Wasn’t it obvious I already hated it when he did it? Why the fuck would I want to smoke! That was the worst fucking logic there ever was.  
  
“Suit yourself,” he shrugged, taking out one of the smokes, taking his lighter in the other hand.  
  
I huffed out in frustration and sped walked right into the house, up the stairs and into the room. To be honest, I really didn’t care what the others saw and witnessed then. I just had had enough shit today already. Luke had been texting me in class, asking me way too many over protective class, and I got caught using my phone underneath the table. The teacher took my phone away, which lead to Luke freaking the fuck out, and I just knew that he was here to set me straight, even though I had already explained the whole situation to him. Apparently, he ‘loved me too much to not be concerned’.  
  
“Oh, come on, babe,” I heard footsteps running up the stairs, adding a chuckle, “I was just kidding.”  
  
But as soon as he entered my room and closed the door behind him, his whole demeanor changed. He wasn’t the joking guy that was trying to apologize to me… _no, he was the complete opposite_. Glaring at me, his breath became slightly heavier.  
  
“Don’t ever fucking do that again!” he growled as he got closer to me, grabbing my hips tightly, probably creating bruises the size of his fingerprints. “Are you trying to make me seem like a bad guy!? I am not the bad guy here! Remember, I’m the one who cares about you, so don’t you dare try to bring me down!”  
  
I nodded silently, he would realise my voice shaking if I dared to talk. It would only make things worse… it had happened before. He didn’t like it when I sounded weak, so it was better to keep my mouth shut than to show how fragile I was.  
  
“I love you, ok?” he added after staring me in the eyes for a couple of seconds. When he pressed his lips forcefully against mine, I froze up. Tears were threatening to spill from my watery eyes, and I had to make sure he couldn’t feel my bottom lip tremble. This wasn’t what I wanted!  
  
He pulled away, giving me a stern and weird look, “what the fuck is wrong with you? When I kiss you, you kiss me back! Don’t just stand there, you bitch!” Once again, he slammed his lips against mine, forcing my mouth open so he could explore it. The kisses weren’t as soft and gentle as they used to be, instead they were painful and terrifying.  
  
“Hey, Ash- shit!” Rian stood there, looking at Luke and I with wide eyes, as if he had just walked in on something he shouldn’t have at all, yet he still continued to stand there and didn’t rush out, “we were just wondering if you were still coming tonight?”  
  
“To what?” Luke asked him a bit too harshly.  
  
“Umm… the Sum 41 concert… we kinda planned to go a couple weeks back,” Rian tried to carefully put it, not wanting to set Luke off more.  
  
I looked up at Luke. I really, really wanted to go. They were definitely one of my favourite bands, and being able to see them live would be a dream come true. But it wasn’t going to happen tonight. The look Luke was giving me told me I better say no, or it would have serious consequences.  
  
“Oh… I forgot about that…” I lied, hoping I wouldn't hurt the drummer with my rejection, “I don’t think I’ll come anymore, sorry…”  
  
“Are you sure?” Rian doubted.  
  
“Yes, she’s sure!” Luke snapped back, wanting to continue what he had started.  
  
Rian quickly left without another word. I knew exactly how terrifying Luke could be, so I shouldn’t have blamed him, but it just made me feel like these people really didn’t care for me at all anymore.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
So… Ash wasn’t coming anymore… Although we didn’t talk or ever do anything together, I still hoped she would have decided to come with us. Rian went into her room to go check and see what her decision was, but apparently she was very _busy_ with Luke. She was still the girl I liked, but something was different… something was missing. I hadn’t seen her beautiful smile in weeks, her eyes didn’t sparkle like before, and even though I’ll sound like an asshole for saying this, she didn’t show off her body anymore. Sure, she had always been the more conservative type, but it really had gone out of hand. All she wore were the same bland t-shirt with either a sweatshirt or a zip-up hoodie. Her hair wasn’t styled occasionally like she used to do for fun, and she only seemed fed up with things.  
  
I thought it had something to do with Luke, but she kept insisting that they were doing just fine and that I didn’t need to worry. It was just the fact that he had threatened all of us on the same day that Ash came home with that black eye. She denied that it was from Luke doing it on purpose, but something seemed off about the whole story. This concert was going to be to moment when I was going to confront her about it and make her tell me everything. I was going to be there for her, and care there for her, just as a friend.  
  
But that wasn’t going to happen anymore…  
  
We were already on our way to the venue. Rian, Jack, and I first drove to Jack’s house to get the mini van, and then we went on our way to pick up the girls. Lianne didn’t live too far away, so she was with us in no time. Harper, however, lived in a, let’s say, different part of town. We were on our way to get her, when we all got a text on the group chat we had going on. It was Harper telling us that she couldn’t come; she had to babysit her brother since her dad wasn’t home from work yet, and her mom walked out a couple of minutes before. I felt bad for her and we all tried our best to be there whenever her parents had done something. However, Ahs was normally the one that would do most of it… but she was gone now. We were all a bit different with Ash being there, but not being present. Everything in me just screamed to turn this van around and go back home to get the girl that had blown us off earlier in the evening.  
  
“Guys, since we have a spare ticket, maybe we can ask Luke to come,” I suggested, hoping they would agree. But only mentioning Luke wasn’t going to help at all, of course, “Ash is probably not coming to stay with him, if he can come she will probably come too. I mean, this is one of her favourite bands playing, she can’t just be saying no because she actually doesn’t want to come.”  
  
“Well… we’ll have to ask Harper if she’s ok with it first,” Rian told me, not saying no to the plan.  
  
So, I quickly sent Harper a text, repeating exactly what I had told my other friends before. I knew Harper really wanted her best friend back, and that she would do anything to make that dream come true. Maybe this was the first step to finally getting Ash back.  
  
“Ok, we’re turning back around!” I grinned, tapping Jack against his shoulder, “Harper says it’s ok.”  
  
And in no time, we were back at my house. Ash’s light was still on, telling me she was still in there. She never left her room with the light on, unless she was gone for a couple of seconds. So, I rushed up the stairs and opened up her door. There the couple was, the girl seated on the desk, while the boy was feeling her up, kissing her as hard as possible. Ash was trying to keep him away at arm’s length, while he kept pressing up harder against her. It was like there was a battle for space going on: Luke wanted it gone, Ash wanted more.  
  
I cleared my throat, causing both of them to look at me. Luke looked so fed up and sighed loudly when he saw my figure standing in the doorway. I just gave them both a kind smile, as if what I had just witnessed didn’t faze me at all, “so, we have a spare ticket. We were wondering if you’d like to come.”  
  
“Me?” Luke frowned, pointing at himself, while his other hand gripped Ash’s thigh tightly.  
  
“Well, yeah,” I nodded, acting like I didn’t notice the anger and frustration in his voice, “we still have Ash’s ticket and Harper couldn’t come anymore… so both of you can go.”  
  
Luke went to snap something back, but Ash opened her mouth before he could, “yes, that would be nice.”  
  
She quickly jumped off her desk and grabbed her phone from the floor, before walking up to me. While she wasn’t watching, Luke glared at me and mocked her words, acting like he was slicing his throat, giving me the ‘I’m watching you’ signal. I completely ignored what he was telling me, and instead gave him the sweetest smile ever, “nice to know you’d love to come as well.”  
  
He rolled his eyes and let out a quiet snort, grabbing his jacket from the bed. We all went out of the house together and got in the van. It actually seemed like the people already in it were surprised that I managed to get them both to come. However, it still wasn’t like Ash was our friend. She only gave everybody that awkward hello when you’re somewhere with only strangers. And that was what we basically were.  
  
Because of our ‘small’ detour, we didn’t manage to get places at the front, and were instead stuck somewhere in the middle. But, the view was still amazing. Somehow we did stay together, however, and weren’t thrown apart by hyperactive people that would only push and shove to annoy others. We had also created a buddy system, in case we were to lose each other, though. It was a lot easier trying to stay close to one person, rather than a whole group. Of course, Ash and Luke were together the entire time, we didn’t even have to tell them our plan; Jack and Lianne were together, since Jack claimed it would be easier for him because she has hair that would stand out in the darkness, which left me stuck with my boy Rian. Oh well, it was better than nothing. Of course I would have rather wanted it to be Ash, so I could always stay close to her, but that was never going to happen.  
  
Speaking of which, Luke really didn’t seem into it. This wasn’t exactly his type of music, and he’d just stand there, his arms wrapped around Ash while she was shouting a lot the lyrics. I knew she really wanted to go, and that Luke was what was holding her back. And it seemed to be working. Emphasis on seemed…  
  
About half way through the set I couldn’t see them anywhere.  
  
They weren’t next to me, they weren’t anywhere in the radius of a couple of feet. They were just simply gone.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a trigger warning on this chapter. I don't want to spoil what happens in the chapter (although most of you probably already have guessed it), but please don't read it if you are easily triggered. I'll write a small summary at the end in the notes for anybody that couldn't read it.
> 
> Trigger warning: Rape

_In case anybody didn't see the small description I added, there's a trigger warning on this chapter._

**Alex’s POV**  
  
School, period 3, biology. The teacher was writing down things on the board, explaining processes I didn’t get anyway. Not that I could even concentrate, or anything. Normally, Ash would sit next to me on the high desks we had, and she was my lab partner. But it all changed today. I was sitting all alone, and so was she. You see, I would have sat next to her, if it weren’t for the fact I was already sat down when she entered the classroom just before the bell went. She decided not to sit next to me, and there was no way I could stand up and make my way over to her while the teacher had already started the class. I was stuck at my window seat while she sat at the opposite end of the room.  
  
She kept looking back at the large clock placed just above the door; every couple seconds her eyes would flicker to the device, the time only ticking by very slowly. I wished I could read her mind right now. She was showing no other emotion, and I just wanted to know why. Everything about her had been even more distant since she had disappeared with Luke at the concert. They still drove back with us, but everything seemed a whole lot more tense. I wouldn’t exactly say she was upset, but there was no way she was ok. Something happened, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  
  
I felt like absolute shit letting Luke just make me give up on her. I still really liked her, and if it had been any other guy, I would not have even thought about staying away from the beautiful girl. But something about Luke was wrong and odd. Like he could plan something to happen to me without anybody around him knowing. He probably knew exactly what he wanted to do to me if he actually saw me trying to talk to Ash. And, yes, I know I could have technically talked to her at school while he wasn’t around, but it wouldn’t surprise if if he had some people at this school watching out and spying for him. I mean, he even managed to scare Zack, it was highly likely he was able to threaten some shy kids around school.  
  
But that wasn’t what I was worried about know. I should have been paying attention to the teacher, since my grades really weren’t doing that good and I needed to graduate this year. However, Ash just got all the spotlight in my mind. It was all I had been thinking about for weeks, yet I still wasn’t able to man up and talk to her. I should have just gone against Luke and made sure Ash was ok…  
  
 _Especially with what happened next.  
_  
There was a knock at the door, and not even a second later, Luke popped his head around the corner. He smiled politely at the teacher, opening the door so his whole body could get inside. The teacher seemed confused at first, but raised his eyebrows at the guy who obviously wasn’t a high school student anymore.  
  
“Umm, hi,” Luke said, keeping up his nice and amiable act for the teacher, so he would get his way, “I’m here to pick up Ash. I already got permission and signed her out.”  
  
“Oh, ok,” Mr. teacher seemed surprised that one of his best students was going to leave the class earlier. Nonetheless, he still gave Ash a small smile, telling her it was ok to go.  
  
Ash just looked at Luke for a while before slowly packing up her stuff. Luke seemed impatient, waiting for his girlfriend to get together all the stuff she had laying out on the table. But as soon as Ash was finished, they left the classroom in no time, leaving me to wonder. _Was that why she was always checking the time; was **that** what she was waiting for?_ She was waiting for Luke to come pick her up? But why did she seem so distressed and panicked about it?  
  
I looked out of the window as if it were to give me an answer, and surprisingly it did. Luke was rushing out to his car, holding Ash’s arm tightly, pulling her along harshly. He seemed mad, like crazy serial killer mad, not upset mad. Ash was trying to get away while he continued to basically rip her arm off. My eyes went wide at the site. _What the fuck was going on!_ And then it got even worse. Luke opened the passenger door, and Ash seemed to use this as a distraction to get away. She managed to run for a couple of steps, trying her best to flee, but Luke was too fast. He grabbed her wrist and made her forehead slam against the roof of the car before punching the girl and stuffing her into the front seat.  
  
“ _What the shit!_ ” I exclaimed as loud as my voice could. Everybody turned to look at me, some snickering while the teacher looked taken aback by my language. Didn’t anybody see what just happened outside?! Somebody must have seen! I looked around, trying to find the lone soul who was sharing the horror with me, but all the attention was on my outburst.  
  
“Are you ok, Alexander?” I was asked by the man who stood in front of the entire class. He was genuinely concerned, probably thinking it had something to do with my anxiety. The entire staff knew about it and while some teachers thought I used it as an excuse, others actually cared. “You look like you’ve see a ghost. Do you need to leave the classroom for a bit?”  
  
“No… I’m fine, it’s fine,” I mumbled in a hushed tone, petrified by the scene I had just watched.  
  
The car was already long gone when I looked back outside.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
My head was throbbing, the sound of my heartbeat making me wince every time. I was dizzy while my eyes were begging for me to close them. All I wanted right there was to pass out and never wake up again. I’d much rather be up there with my mother than down here in this hell. My stomach was flipping constantly, and the occasional bumps in the road weren’t helping at all either.  
  
Ever since I woke up this morning, I had been dreading when the clock turned to 3 o’clock. After not being able to get what he wanted in the bathroom at the concert, because somebody had walked in, Luke had promised me he would organize a ‘special date’ for us. I knew exactly what he had planned, though. He told me he was planning on getting a room and that we would finally be able to do what ‘we’ wanted in peace. I never wanted this, though. I had even considered running away before Alex or his parents woke up, but I knew Luke would find me anyway. There was no escaping him.  
  
“I’m going to throw up,” I groaned while I pressed my overheating forehead against the cool window. With the November wind making everything chilly, it was perfect for a fever.  
  
“If you even think about doing that in my car!” Luke growled and pulled on my hair, before slamming my head and hard as he could against the window I used for comfort just seconds before. However, his discipline only made it all worse.  
  
“I’m going to be sick,” I mumbled again, this time ending my sentence with me starting to gag. Luke let out a frustrated sigh, and pulled over on the side of the highway as quickly as possible.  
  
He pressed the button the unlock all the doors and watched me with irritated and bored eyes, waiting for me to do something, “well, whore, go ahead and open the door, I don’t need you making my car filthy.”  
  
I struggled the pull on the hand to click open the metal door. There was no strength left in me, and I felt like I was going to pass out any minute. As soon as it actually opened, the contents of my stomach started spewing right out of my mouth, just outside of the car. And although that was close, my eyes suddenly closed. The last thing I remembered was hitting the floor.  
  
When I woke up, I managed to open my eyes just a bit. As I looked up, I saw Luke smiling down at me with crazy eyes. He was carrying me up some concrete stairs. When I sloppily rolled my head to the side, I could see a parking lot with a couple of cars, and a block of motel rooms. Oh. We were there already.  
  
“It’s ok, baby,” Luke grinned softly, pressing a kiss to my forehead, “we’re finally here. It’s all good now.”  
  
I was too tired and spaced out to even try to get away. It was highly likely that I had a concussion. I could hear my head crack the first time he hit me against the car, and the second time made it feel like my brain was being sloshed around in my skull. The rest of my memory was fuzzy, and I couldn’t even remember Luke coming to get me. Maybe I had ran away, but he caught me. Or possibly he even came to pick me up before I even got the chance to go to school. I didn’t know anymore.  
  
Luke unlocked the door to the squalid bedroom, kicking the door closed behind himself before throwing me harshly onto the bed. My neck snapped in an uncomfortable way, creating a large cracking sound throughout the entire room. The poor smell of dusty old carpets was filling my nose, making my nausea increase ten times. If it weren’t for all the pain I was feeling, I would have at least tried to lock myself up in the bathroom. But he had worn me out too much already.  
  
“So,” Luke climbed on top of me, smirking down as my beaten up body, “I finally get what I want. I’ve been waiting for this for ages. All I wanted was a one night stand, I didn’t expect it to be so difficult. There’s no better feeling that getting to fuck a virgin. They’re just so innocent and oblivious. But that’s what I’m here for, to create you into the little slut you actually are.”  
  
He forcefully put his weight on me, restricting me of any simple movement, before slamming his lips against mine. The pressure hurt so much, giving me that extra strength I needed to just move my arms slightly and try to push him off. But it didn’t work. He realised what I was trying to do.  
  
Clicking his tongue a couple times, he shook his head disapprovingly, trailing his fingers lightly over the side of my face, “well, well, well. Trying to be a bad girl, now, are we? We can’t have that. It will only make things a whole lot more difficult. How will I deal with this,” he pretended to think for a while before acting like he had the best idea ever, “Oh! I know! My favourite part…” He proceeded to take of his belt, grabbing my hands mightily, bringing them up to the head board and binding them tightly. I felt the bruises already start to form as the leather dug into my flesh.  
  
“There we go,” he looked pleased with his work and continued with what he had planned, this time attacking my neck. There was nothing pleasurable about it like in the past. His lips were cold and hard, bringing shivers and a crawling feeling over my skin. There was no point trying to get my hands loose, the belt being too painful to even move a fraction. Before I could even try something else, his hands went down my pants.  
  
I screamed as loud as I possibly could, trying my best to wriggle free from everything at once; the weight, the grip, and the strap preventing me from attempting to escape. I was officially stuck and just had to accept what was going to happen to me. There was no way for me to break free and run to my school bag to get somebody to help me. It was no use.  
  
He slapped me hard across the face, making my skin burn while a taste of blood took over the dry feeling in my mouth, “shut the fuck up, you dirty little whore!” My shirt was ripped right off my body, fluff coming off the fabric and consuming the air around us. He ripped another strip off and stuffed it into my mouth, gagging me and preventing me from making a noise.  
  
“Now, how about we have a little fun taking these jeans off? I don’t think the traditional way will do justice. How about we get my little friend?” He made a sharp pocket knife appear from his back pocket, making even more fear rush through me. If i didn’t oblige, he would be able to hurt me any moment he wanted. So, I just let him go to work on my jeans, cutting away the fabrics while sometimes slipping and cutting my sweaty cold flesh. There were now deep cuts all over my legs to go along with my face, my torso being the only thing that was still clear of any bruises. But that didn’t last long. Luke didn’t like the sight of me still in my underwear, so he cut off my bra, being more careful than he was with my pants.  
  
He grabbed and my breasts, grunting loudly at the contact. Tears were streaming down my face, while the sobs were choking me. With not being able to swallow, nor getting air out through my mouth, everything got stuck in my throat. It felt like my breasts were being ripped off the rest of my body while his hands pulled and tugged in all directions.  
  
“Fuck it,” he groaned with frustration, finally letting go of me, “I can’t take this anymore.”  
  
The short moment of nothing being done to me was over very quickly. He pulled down his jeans and boxers in one go, just below his butt, before reaching out to my panties and tearing them up impatiently. With no time to spare, he slammed right into me, causing me to scream out in excruciating pain. Everything felt like it was rupturing apart. It was stinging, burning, and agonizing. Everything only got worse as he was thrusting in and out of me, getting exactly what he wanted while I had to pay for it.  
  
Harper was wrong, sex really wasn’t good.  
  
He released inside of me in a matter of minutes, enjoying the last of what my body could give him. I felt disgusting, used… humiliated. Scratches were littering all over me, causing a mess of blood smeared on my once pale skin. In no time, after having finished, Luke got off me, pulling up his jeans again. He didn’t say a word until letting my hands free again.  
  
“Thank you for your services, you little slut. We’re done now,” he walked out of the room without glancing back at me.  
  
I was left there all alone to bawl my eyes out for what felt like hours. Everything was hurting, and it was like my feminine parts had been taken away from me. I was just a worthless waste of space now. Nobody would ever be able to care for me again, it was just physically impossible to love someone menial. My dad was on the other side of the globe, my brothers would never understand, and I didn’t have any friends anymore.  
  
 _Luke had taken everything away from me.  
_  
However, I wasn’t going to let myself stay in this room filled with bad memories forever. I had to get out. Everywhere I looked only caused my tears to start again. My school bag was still left untouched next to the small desk, however. I tried crawling my naked aching body towards it. Standing up wasn’t working, it hurt to much down there for me to move my legs. With my clothes ripped apart, I had nothing to cover myself up with, I was out here for anybody to take me once again. When I finally found my phone at the bottom of my bag, I felt relieved yet more fear rushed over me again. The screen had been shattered from the impact of it hitting the floor when Luke threw the bag away randomly. However, there was nobody I could trust anymore. I was naked and they would see everything, all my parts and all my bruises. Everybody would be disgusted by the sight of me.  
  
However, I still texted the first person who I secretly knew wouldn’t judge me:  
  
 _Jack Barakat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the summary for those who decided not to read it.  
> It start's in Alex's POV. Ash is acting weird and keeps checking the clock. Eventually Luke comes to pick her up, but she seems hesitant. Alex witnesses Luke abuse Ash before driving off with her. He does nothing about it, and nobody else in the class saw.  
> It then switched to Ash's POV. The abuse continues and she has a concussion. Luke rapes her before breaking up with her and walking out. Ash decides to text Jack, asking for help.


	35. Reply To The Call

**Jack’s POV**  
  
It was supposed to be a normal band practice. I drove over with Alex to Rian’s place so we could do our normal routine. However, that’s where things already started to go wrong. Alex was out of it the entire time. He couldn’t hit a single note, and would notice when we would talk to him. It was like he was busy with something else completely, and it seemed like it was something pretty big. Stuff like this only happened very rarely.  
  
So, that was why we were taking a break. Noticing that Alex wasn’t going to get into it soon, we just decided to have a breather and just take some time to ourselves. Normally, Rian didn’t like us hanging around after band practice, but it was exactly that; it wasn’t after yet. I was doing my normal thing, looking through twitter to see if there was anything I was missing out on, or just to have a good laugh, when I got a text message from Ash. Why was she texting me?  
  
I tapped the notification to see her whole message, but was only left more confused. There was an address from the opposite side of town, in an area that was pretty remote, and a room number. But what got me was the small cry of help at the end, begging for me to to come as soon as possible. I didn’t know what she was doing, nor did I know why she was there, but something seemed alarming about it.  
  
“Hey, Alex,” I spoke up, slowly getting up from my place on the dirty couch in the basement, inspecting the text to see if there was anything that I was missing, anything that could help me figure this out. “Can I borrow your car?”  
  
This seemed to get Alex’s attention slightly, but not fully. He was still just simply staring at the wall, however he did at least hear what I said, so it was some improvement. Just minutes ago, he couldn’t even hear Rian counting, or just simply when the rest of us started playing. “Why?”  
  
“Well, I just got a text from Ash saying--”  
  
“What! You got what!” he leaped up like he was scrambling to get something, causing the two other boys to jump at the sudden noise from the guy that had been quiet for most of the day. Before I could answer, Alex had ripped my phone from my hands and read the text. He looked at me frantically and struggled to grab both our school bags before rushing to the stairs. “Shit! I should have know! I should have done something! Fucking hell!”  
  
I rushed after him, not risking letting him get a panic attack now. He was so distressed, that it wouldn’t make me surprised if he suddenly started having trouble breathing again. I grabbed his arm before he reached the top of the stairs, “dude, calm down! What is going on?”  
  
“I saw-- I saw--” he was already starting to have troubles, and I could only figure out that this was also the reason why he hadn’t exactly been here with his mind the entire time. The way he was reacting only scared me. He made it seem like there was something terrible going on with Ash, and like we had to be there asap.  
  
“What did you see? What did you see happen to Ash?” Zack had joined us with Rian not for behind. They had also already seemed to make a connection between the two things going on, but Zack was already a step ahead of us. This was exactly the reason why he was the person to figure out what was wrong with just seeing us.  
  
Alex took a deep breath and swallowed before opening his mouth to tell us the story, “I was sitting in class, when Luke came into pick up Ash. I-- I-- I saw him smash Ash’s head against-- against his car. But nobody else saw it and I don’t know if I was just seeing things or some shit, and now I’m afraid he might have beaten her up completely. I should have gone out there immediately and helped her!”  
  
We all gave him bewildered looks, all staying quiet as we were taking in the shaky information we were given. It was possible that Alex might have imagined the whole thing, especially if nobody else in the entire school saw it, but the text was telling me otherwise. This whole thing could have been true. No, it was for sure that this was real.  
  
“Ok, we’re going,” I pulled Alex along with me, dragging him out of the front door and towards his car. Telling Zack and Rian to stay here, and that we would keep them updated if something happened, I got Alex to sit in the diver’s seat while I clambered into the passenger’s seat. We started driving while I got my phone to turn on the GPS and send us to the location. In no time we were actually on our way.  
  
We ended up at a motel. The walls were a cream pink and the whole place generally looked deserted. Alex pulled up on the parking lot, and I looked around to see if I could spot anything. Luke’s car was was nowhere to be seen, meaning that he had either left already or taken another vehicle. Alex was still gripping the steering wheel tightly, but he no longer seemed sad, no did he seem angry… he seemed defeated… He was probably blaming it all on himself, wishing he could go back into the past and change what he had done.  
  
But there was no time for that now.  
  
“I’ll go in, since she texted me. Stay here in case we have to make a run for it,” I had never thought I would have ever said that in real life, but it was happening now. It a line that was only said in action movies, yet here I was, saying it to my own best friend in a serious situation.  
  
Alex only nodded while I got out of the car and started looking at all the signs, trying to find where the room Ash told me to go to. An arrow pointing to the right and up brought me to some stairs. There was a possibility of this all being a trap, that Luke was actually waiting up there for me to see if I still had contact with Ash. But I wasn’t going to risk it. If Ash was actually in trouble, I needed to be there. And with what Alex had told us, I knew almost for sure that the latter was the case.  
  
I knocked lightly on the door of room 104, waiting for an answer as I impatiently tapped my foot against the floor. However, I nobody ever showed up. I tried again, but this time a bit louder and actually calling the girls name. When I still didn’t hear any signs of life, I started to panic. Instead of just knocking, this time I tried to door handle, knowing that these doors probably weren’t ones that locked themselves. Everything about this place looked a bit flimsy and old. The paint was a disgusting color, the curtains hanging in front of the windows had old patterns and were probably dirty, and the doors were like cardboard painted a tan white. Everything was just a bit too shabby for my liking.  
  
The door opened easily, and I was met with a messy bed, ripped fabric strewn across the blue carpeted floor, and a crying coming from the corner to my left. I looked to see Ash hugging her knees to her chest, bawling her eyes out. But that wasn’t what shocked me. Her entire figure was naked and bruised, blood seeping out of cuts while she shivered with sobs. What used to be smooth straight hair was now knotted and sticking to her skin in weird angles. Everything about it was so wrong.  
  
I made a wrong move and immediately rushed over to her, kneeling down beside her. She scurried away, further into the corner, trying to hide her body even more. That was the last piece of confirmation I needed. I knew exactly what had happened here.  
  
“Stay the fuck away from me!” She screamed with tears running down her face, as she pulled her arms in front of her body, trying to keep me away as far as possible. But I wasn’t making any attempts to get closer to her. I was going to have to be careful with every movement I made while also trying to comfort her… which was going to be a nearly impossible task for me, but I was determined.  
  
“Ash,” I said as calmly as possible, backing up a bit to give her more space, and not making any sudden movements anymore, “it’s me, Jack. I’m not here to hurt you.”  
  
Suddenly the sobs stopped, but I knew it wasn’t because she was happy that I was here. It wasn’t that easy, nothing was. She was too ashamed to cry around me. I could hear that she was trying her best to hold them back, and it broke my heart. I had never intended her to be afraid to let her tears fall while I was present.  
  
“Ash, it’s ok to cry. I understand. You don’t have to hold it back. I know I’ve made your cry before and acted like it didn’t faze me, but I know what I did was wrong. I’m not going to force you into doing something, but if have to, just let it all out. Don’t let me be the reason holding you back,” I wanted so badly to say that everything was ok, but I knew it just wasn’t. Of course it fucking wasn’t! Anybody with eyes would be able to see what happened here. I would have been lying if I told her that it was all fine. This was not a situation to lie in.  
  
Luckily, my small words of encouragement, which I felt like were shit, got Ash to stop trying to choke back her tears. I didn’t know what to do while she was whimpering. She wasn’t in state to let anybody get close to her… if she would ever be able to let that happen again… But just standing there like the awkward person I was, also wasn’t doing any good. So, instead, I decided to look around the room in hopes to find anything for her to wear.  
However, that didn’t happen to any avail. I couldn’t even recognize the shirt she had been wearing, her underwear had been clearly ripped off her body, and her jeans were cut into pieces. No wonder she was just sitting there naked. She had nothing to cover herself up with, even if she had the energy and willpower to do so. I couldn’t lead her out of the room like this, though. With no other option, I took off my zipup hoodie and slowly crouched down beside her again.  
  
“How about we get you dressed so we can leave this place?” I asked Ash, handing her the clothing I had just been wearing seconds before. She was jittery and unsteady while putting her arms in it and pulling up the zipper all the way to the top, trying her best to cover up everything. I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for this girl. She didn’t deserve anything like this; nobody as innocent and beautiful as her deserved it.  
  
I decided to rummage through her school bag, which surprisingly seemed intact, to see if I could find any clothes in it. Maybe she had extra things to change into just in case, or she coincidentally had her gym stuff in it. Worst case scenario, there was nothing, I was going to have to take off my boxers and let her wear them. It might sound disgusting and gross in normal circumstances, but it was a lot better than nothing. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it, and I didn’t think she would mind either. The only bad thing about that plan was that it actually required me to take off my pants and boxers, which didn’t seem like the right thing to do now. However, after reaching the bottom of her bag, it was what was going to happen. There was nothing to use in there, and I was actually willing to give make myself go commando for Ash. I was just very happy I actually decided to wear clean underwear that morning.  
  
I quietly whispered to Ash that I was quickly going to slip into the bathroom, but that I was going to stay here, keep the door open, and keep an eye on her. I had to reassure her that I wasn’t going to leave her alone, but I also didn’t think telling her my plan was a good idea. Maybe she wouldn’t mind, but it might also cause her to get even worse. It was my mission to not make it go in the wrong direction. In no time, I had managed to take off my purple boxers and gotten myself to wear my now uncomfortable skinny jeans.  
  
Ash didn’t question it when I gave the still warm fabric to her for her to wear. Her tears had dried up, no longer having any to let fall. The sounds also quested down, but i could still hear her shivering and her breathing being very uneven. For now this was going to have to do. I was more worried about getting away from this motel, than freaking out about how she felt. I was going to take care of that part later.  
  
I closed her backpack and swung it onto my shoulder, my nerves telling me to get away from this place. The events that happened in here gave the entire room a haunted feeling, like the screams were still strung throughout the air; the dominance was creating a heavy pressure; the mixture of emotions making me feel sick to the stomach.  
  
“Alex is waiting for us downstairs,” I told Ash, thinking she would be happy to see him as well. They had grown pretty close, and I knew how heartbroken Alex was about the entire situation. There had to be some feelings reciprocated. But I was completely wrong.  
  
She started freaking out, her breathing becoming more rapid, and her eyes shooting up to me for the first time since I came her -- her head had been down the entire time, but now I could see all the dark splotches on her face as well. “D- don’t tell Alex! Please, don’t tell Alex! He can’t know!”  
  
“Ok,” I soothed, surprised by how messed up her face was as well. Luke had really done all the work he could on ruining Ash. “We won’t tell him.” But at the same time I also knew that lying to him wasn’t going to work either. Bending the truth, though, was.  
  
I reached out my hand for Ash, just incase she wanted to use it as support, for me to show that I really was trying to help her, but she flinched back even by the slowest and slightest movement of my hand. “Do you think you can stand up?”  
  
Her blubbering started again, when I got another reaction I wasn’t expecting. I didn’t know how to handle to situation, and Ash seemed to be set off very quickly. “It hurts too much, Jack! It hurts so much!” She screamed the words at me right through the tears escaping her eyes at an alarming rate.  
  
I still didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something, so I warned her, “Ash, I’m going to put an arm underneath your knees and behind your back so I can carry you, ok? I’m not going to try to hurt you, I just want to get you out of this place. You don’t need to be here and longer than you already have been.”  
  
It seemed like the right thing to do, tell Ash what movement I was going to do near her before actually commencing it. And it actually helped. When my first hand touched her at her legs, she only flinched slightly, it more being from the pain than from being afraid of me. The same reaction happened when I touched her back, telling her I was going to slip my hands down more to her waist to that I could make sure she wouldn’t fall over (I almost used the wrong words by saying grip, but there was no way that was a good word to use. In no time I had picked her up, still telling her exactly what I was doing, slowly making my way to the car. Fortunately there was nobody around to call me out on carrying a girl that obviously was hurt both physically and mentally. No wonder Luke chose this place out of everywhere he could have gone.  
  
Alex was still waiting exactly where I told him to. He was looking around (whether it were to keep an eye out of Luke or from me and Ash, I don’t know), but when he made eye contact with me a small sigh of relief washed over him. He wasn’t stupid enough to think everything was ok, though. There was still a significant amount of worry in his eyes.  
  
I put Ash in the backseat before getting in myself, letting her rest into my lap and chest. It didn’t seemed like she wanted me to break the contact, so I wasn’t going to. Her back was resting between my feet and her hand had moved to clutch my shirt.  
  
Before Alex could inquire what had happened and interrogated us both, I decided to tell him my little white lie, the one I was going to make him tell Zack and Rian as well, “They were going to go on a small trip for the weekend, but Ash decided to break it off with him when they were already at the motel. Luke flipped out and beat her up before rushing away.”  
  
He nodded, accepting my lie. It didn’t even seem like he was doubting it. However, guilt did cloud his eyes. It might not have been to right lie to tell him to make him feel better, but it was the only thing that would be believable that wasn’t too close to the truth.  
  
“By the way, Alex, we’re going to go to my place,” I added, staring him right into the eyes through the rearview mirror.  
  
I knew He wanted to question it, but I shook my head at him. It was the right thing to do to bring her back to mine. I wasn’t going to risk Ash getting worse from things Alex would do wrong without even knowing.


	36. Friends Are There To Help... Right?

**Ash’s POV**  
  
I was holding on to Jack for dear life. Too afraid to have him disappear or leave me, my grip on his shirt was as tight as possible, bawling up the cloth in my fist. Alex continued to stay quiet, his attention fully on the road. He never looked back at us, his lips were in a tight line, yet his eyes looked like they were somewhere else completely. But in the state I was, I really didn’t feel like paying attention to anything going on around me. My mind was in a whole different place, and it was racing.  
  
I really didn’t understand why Jack actually decided to stay with me and help me. I had actually expected him to not come at all… or even worse, come to me, have seen what had happened, and just left me there. There was no way anybody would ever want me ever again. I was disgusting, filthy, corrupted, but mostly used. Whoever would come close to me would know this in no time. That is if I ever let anybody come close to me again.  
  
I was so conflicted. I never let things get to me. When my mom died, I managed to get over it. I never got upset about a bit of bullying, and I rarely cried. There was no use. But this time it was different. I wasn’t just sad or angry. No, I was far from that. I was absolutely terrified. Although he had left me, I was afraid Luke would come back again to have some more ‘fun’ with me. I obviously was an easy target. _I was the one who fell for his tricks_. It was all my fault!  
  
My whole body started shaking against Jack’s warm one. I was just seconds away from bursting into tears again, but I couldn’t do it. Not with Alex around. I didn’t want him to know. He wouldn’t understand. I knew he never exactly liked Luke, but I ignored all the warnings I overheard him tell the others. All he would do was rub it in my face, judge me, make me feel worse. I always trusted him, but this time I didn’t.  
  
Lucky for me, Alex pulled up onto Jack’s drive way before turning off the car. All that was left to shake the car gently was my trembling that kept getting worse and worse. The adrenaline I needed before was only now taking effect. My breathing was very unstable, and I just wanted to get out of this small cramped car already. Everything was closing in on me, and I shuffled closer to Jack as if is lanky figure would be able to stop the metal box slowly becoming smaller and smaller.  
  
Unfortunately, he had some other ideas. Instead of letting me get closer to him, he got out from under me and exited the car. My whole body felt cold and lonely. I was literally depending fully on Jack… already. Never did I ever have the intention that I would have all my last bits of trust put into Jack. He could still turn against me, but I just hoped he wouldn’t do that. I didn’t want him to leave me. I needed him.  
  
Before I knew it, Jack had taken both of our bags again and had somehow been able to pick me up and out of the car. My nerves were already calmed down slightly, knowing he came back. He closed the car door and briefly turned to Alex, who had rolled down his window in the hopes of getting some more information.  
  
“Thank’s, Alex,” Jack gave him a small smile, not daring to spill what he knew. He was keeping to the promise he had made me. Alex couldn’t find out.  
  
Alex mumbled something while Jack turned around slowly, making sure not the hit me against anything, “Ash-”  
  
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” Jack added before Alex could even finish what he wanted to word. Whatever he wanted to say, though, probably wouldn’t have been anything good. I was pretty convinced he already knew, so I was going to do my best to not let him ask me any questions.  
  
But it wasn’t going to be that easy to get away from people. Of course Jack’s house wasn’t empty. My face had managed to find it’s way back to bury itself into Jack’s comforting chest, while Jack went straight for the stairs. However, there was sound already coming from the kitchen, notifying us that there were people -- or more notifying Jack, he was actually looking around the place so he could make his way upstairs without anybody seeing us.  
  
“Hey, Jack,” a sweet motherly voice sounded from the area sound was coming from. Jack’s mom was probably already making food, making me wonder what time it was. The last time I was able to check the clock was at… at… at 3 o’clock. Jack’s mom was making dinner now, so it must have been around… I couldn’t even think straight anymore. There was no way I could remember what time Jack’s family normally ate. For all I knew, it was possible that it was already morning. My sense of time was completely gone. I had passed out, certain events had gone by quickly, and others were agonizingly slow. I just didn’t understand anymore.  
  
“Hey, mom,” Jack answered, making sure not to be too loud. He was afraid to make me jump or to set me off again. All I could was be grateful for that. I really didn’t know what triggered me and what didn’t.  
  
“I’ll be there in a sec, just let me finish this!” Jack’s mom replied, wanting to ask her son about his day.  
  
“It’s fine mom, I still got a couple of things to do. I’ll see you at dinner, ok?” He quickly made up, having taken a look at me and seen that I really didn’t want anybody else around me anymore. Fortunately, though, the only other person that could be in this house was his dad; there were no siblings that needed to be watched out for.  
  
Not waiting for a reply, he made his way up the stairs. It was obvious he was struggling with all the weight he was carrying, but didn’t want to let it known. I would have offered to walk up myself, but it burned and stung way too much to move my legs or even simple stand up. But I was too afraid to voice my pain, too afraid that Jack would judge me. It wasn’t everyday a girl told you it felt like everything was being ripped apart.  
  
I was slowly lowered down onto the soft bed before Jack carefully removed his arms from around me. He had a strong advantage point now. While I was unable to move, he could easily manoeuvre around with more strength, and a position which could easily let him take advantage. A part of me was telling me to get away as quick as possible, to leave before he could try anything. But a bigger part was telling me to give up.; there was no way I could build up the strength to relocate. And in the back of my mind, I knew Jack would never ever do something like that.  
  
But like I had said before, everything was jumbled up.  
  
“I’m not going to tell you it will be ok, because I know it’s not right now, and I know I can’t promise it,” Jack kneeled down so we were at the same height. I could look right into his eyes, but I was looking anywhere but into those brown orbs. All I did was stay completely quiet while he was talking. “But d-do you want me to look and see what he’s done? Just to check if nothing fatal is going on.”  
  
I frowned slightly at his word choice, my mind now going through all the things that could possibly be seriously wrong with me… other than that I had been raped. Just thinking of the word made me shiver. It was my reality now. I was never going to be able to forget about it. All of me had been used. It was just simply a fact.  
  
Little did I know that I had started crying again. With all these thoughts running through my mind, trying their best to bring me down, I just couldn’t keep it in. The only thing that brought me out of my dark feelings, was Jack worrying when he watched my body shudder and tears roll down horizontally over my cheeks. He reached out to comfort me by rubbing my arm, but I flinched away unwillingly. The image of Luke reaching out to grab me flashed right through my mind, like I was there all over again.  
  
Jack, however, thought I had started crying because of the question he had asked me just seconds before, “it doesn’t matter if you don’t want to. I just thought you might not have wanted to see it all yourself. It’s ok if you don’t want to show me. I understand.”  
  
I shook my head, actually desperately wanting him to see it all. Yes, I was terrified at the same time, I thought he would judge me for everything. But this needed to be done. I needed to get over myself. This was for the best. I had to make myself fully trust him. “N-no. You sh-should check it o-out.”  
  
“Are you sure?” He asked skeptically, unsure of what he could and couldn’t do.  
  
I nodded, trying my best to stop the shaking trembles through my body. I was nowhere near cold, warm actually, yet it was so difficult to suppress it. It was fully consuming me.  
  
“Ok, well, should I turn around so you can take off the clothes without me seeing?” He suggested next, calmly getting up as to not make any weird sudden movements that would scare me. Without waiting for an answer, he walked to the other side of the room and faced the wall.  
  
I decided it would be best to stand up to take everything off, as hard as it was for me to not double over in stinging pain. The area I never ever wanted the experience pain in my life, was now making my whole life miserable. With its burning and stabbing, it was only a constant reminder of how bad it hurt when he entered me for the first time. However, I had to push through it. I took off the hoodie easily, but the boxers were a lot more difficult. Not only could I hardly make the necessary movements, but the fabric was stuck to all the deep cuts littered on the inside on my thighs. I tried my best to carefully part it from my body, but eventually gave up and ripped it down, hissing at the pain soaring through my body. Jack was doing his best to stay calm and not turn around while he knew I was in so much agony.  
  
“Y-you can turn around now,” I stuttered, wrapping my arms around my body as if I were cold, but I only did it to still try to cover something up. I knew it wasn’t any use though, he was going to have to see everything, so I slowly dropped my arms, removing the last bit of security around me.  
  
Jack gasped audibly, making me believe he was going to make a comment about my boobs, or maybe even objectify me further. But it was nothing like that. He looked at me like I was just simply me, or a friend who really needed him. This was probably the first time he saw a girl naked like this without it being sexual in anyway, and he was surprisingly handling it well. Jack was always the one who made the most sex and dick jokes, but it now occurred to me that he could actually be serious.  
  
I stood completely still, letting him inspect me and doing my best not to jump when he came closer to take a better look. I just had to remind myself that it was for the better. Jack looked at every bruise and scrape, making sure that he didn’t miss a thing. The ways his eyes widened when they tooled at the dark black bruises covering my breasts and the deep thick cuts on my thighs, I knew that those two places were the worst.  
  
But that wasn’t the last of it.  
  
“Do you want me to check, umm, down there as well?” He mumbled, not making eye contact with me.  
  
I was embarrassed and humiliated. Jack should never have had to ask me anything like that, yet here he was, doing it to help me. Nothing like this should ever have happened! But Luke had achieved showing me how worthless I actually was.  
  
Everything inside of my told me to say no, so save myself from any further embarrassment. I didn’t want him knowing how painful it actually was. However, something just made me blurt out a quiet yes. And maybe that might have been one of the best things I had done.  
  
I shuffled back to the bed, wincing at each small step I took. It was sure that Jack now knew how bad the pain actually was. He watched as I laid back down on the bed and put my knees up. I hesitated, not sure if I actually wanted to open my legs ever again. If Jack wanted, he could do whatever he desired and I wouldn’t be able to fight back if I did do it. Yet, I reluctantly increased the distance between my knees so he could take a look.  
  
He didn’t come to close, even though there was enough space for him to do it. After taking a good look, not even brushing up against my leg with his body, he looked up at me and gave me a small sympathetic smile.  
  
“I’m going to be honest,” he told me, not wanting to make this take any longer than it had to, “it doesn’t look to good. I’ve never seen you like this before, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like, of course, but it doesn’t look like what I have seen.”  
  
I nodded. Of course I already knew that that was going to be the answer. With the soreness I felt, there was no way that whatever was going on down there was normal. I just hoped I didn’t get an STD. There would never be a time I would want to risk giving it to someone else.  
  
After the whole ordeal, Jack got me clean clothes out of his closet, telling me he could also give stuff he sister had left behind, but that it might be more comfortable for me to wear something that was very loose fitting. I agreed, and let him help me put on one of his band t-shirts and a clean pair of boxers. I no time, I was fully clothed again, and Jack was as well. It had only been then that I had realised that Jack had taken off his boxers for me to wear and the motel, but I was still thankful. He turned around, put on his boxers and wore a pair of sweats. After, he came back to the bed and careful sat down next to me not saying anything.  
  
The door handle rattled, but the door itself didn’t open. After another try, Jack’s mom’s voice came through the thin wood, “Jack, dinner’s ready. Please don’t tell me you have a girl in there.”  
  
“Umm…” Jack looked at me, totally having forgotten that this moment was going to happen. We couldn’t hide me anymore.  
  
“I’m already adding an extra plate,” she sighed, her footsteps slowly leaving back towards the stairs.  
  
Jack gave me a concerned look and bit his lip. He thought for a bit before finally telling me what was on his mind, “I think I should tell my parents. I won’t if you really don’t want to, but I think it’s for the best. They should know why you are staying here. They will probably wonder what happened to you, and it’s better if I told them rather than they asked you questions. And maybe my dad can help a bit… he’s a gynecologist.”  
  
I found myself nodding to his suggestion. Although I really didn’t want more people knowing about the disgusting thing I did, it was unfair for Jack to have to keep it all a secret. He also needed someone to talk to, I couldn’t make his life as bad as mine was. Especially since it was nearly impossible for him to keep secrets, I needed to do anything possible for him to keep his mouth shut to anybody else.  
  
And so, Jack left the bedroom and disappeared downstairs. The shadows in the corners were warning me that Luke could be anywhere, ready to jump me once again. I was never going to get rid of him. Every little thing I saw, every little sound I heard, made me think he was right in front of me. His icy cold eyes kept appearing in my vision, taking over the ‘calming’ nature of Jack’s bedroom. I just wished I hadn’t said yes to him, so that I wouldn’t have been all alone in this silent place. Everything was out to get me.  
  
However, before I could even think of screaming in terror, the door opened once again. I looked up at who was coming in and saw Jack walk in first with red puffy eyes. It must have been difficult for him to tell the story, or what he knew about it, but it was a lot easier than the things I would relive when I told my view.  
  
“Oh, darling,” I heard Joyce cry in sympathy before coming over to the bed. And that’s when I cracked yet once again. I couldn’t even imagine of stopping the tears, there was no way this would ever stop.  
  
After I had stopped crying, Jack’s dad had agreed to take a look. Joyce left the room, but I told Jack I prefered if he stayed with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Bassam, but Jack really was the only one I had put all my trust in, there was nothing to be shared with anybody else. I got told that I was lucky I didn’t need any stitches, but it the tear was any bigger, I probably would have had to go to the hospital, which he still recommended. But there was no way I was going to let them inspect me there. I did not want anymore people seeing me like this.  
  
I decided to skip dinner, really not feeling up to eating. My stomach was still churning, warning me that anything that entered it would immediately come back up again. With the burning that was already in my throat, I really didn’t want to make it worse. Jack decided to eat in his room so I wasn’t left all alone. He told me to try to get some sleep, that he would make sure that nothing would get to me. However, that didn’t mean my nightmares were included. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw him and could feel his tight grip again. I just couldn’t dare blink for more than a second.  
  
Jack noticed this, probably because of my occasion scream, and decided to eat his dinner quicker than he had originally intended, before putting the plate just outside his room, not wanting to let me be all alone. I mentally thanked him, but didn’t trust my voice enough to actually say it outloud. He also settled to go to bed earlier so that I wouldn’t feel so empty when in bed.  
  
I turned around when he got changed, and face the wall his bed was placed against. It was only when I felt him pull the covers over him as well, that I dared to turn back. We were very close, our faces at the same height, and our breath mixing together, and our lips were pressed together. Both, at the same time, we pulled away as quickly as our mouths decided it would be a good idea to touch.  
  
“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Jack quickly defended, afraid that he might have set me off. But his lips didn’t remind me at all of the pressure Luke had put on me. This was no where near that. Hell, this wasn’t even a kiss, it was literally just a touch.  
  
“An accident,” I agreed and cuddled up, already feeling safer with the one person trusted.  
  
“Goodnight, Ash,” he mumbled as I tried to close my eyes, the images not as sharp as before, “I’ll make sure nothing will happen to you now.”


	37. Nobody Seems To Understand, Especially Him

**Ash’s POV**  
  
For a second I had forgotten what had happened to me. I was confused why there was an alarm going off with a song that sounded nothing like the usual tune I had playing. It was way louder and made me audibly groan. The sheets had a different smell than the detergent essence I was used to. But what befuddled me the most were the arms lightly wrapped around my waist. It didn’t make sense to me anymore. The was nothing like home, nor was this anything like Alex’s place.  
  
And then it hit me. It all came back to me in one go: Luke grabbing me, giving me a concussion, tying me to the bed… _raping me_. Everything rushed through my mind, flashing images right in front of me.  
  
Who’s arms were these? Had Luke come back for me?! Was he holding me captive!?!  
  
I let out a small scream while getting out of the person's grip. I wasn’t going to let this happen to me again. But it wasn’t only me who was startled. They also shook awake, accompanying my yell with their own yelp. My head snapped towards the weird high pitched sound to find Jack with his eyes wide open, scrambling around to see if something was wrong.  
  
Right. I forgot about that part. Luke broke up with me, leaving me to rot in the hotel room, and Jack came to help me. I was at Jack’s house. He had been nice enough to allow me to stay here, even though I obviously wasn’t worth it. I was forever in his and his parents’ debt. It must have been shameful for them to have somebody like me in their house.  
  
My head started spinning and I quickly hid my head in the pillow, hoping to get rid of the nausea taking over what was once my calm body. I felt sick and disgusting inside and out, and I never wanted to go outside again. The dangers were too big and everybody was going to judge me. I couldn’t deal with that. Hiding in a hole, not letting anyone come near me seemed like a much better option.  
  
“Oh, shit,” Jack groaned and slowly got out of bed, “I’ve still gotta go to school. Important Geography test today.” he walked straight to his closet, trying to find clothes to change into. I, however, stayed in bed, not moving an inch. And it seemed like it was only then that Jack actually remembered all the events from before. He turned back to me and gave me a meaningful look, “how are you feeling?”  
  
“Sick,” I mumbled and closed my eyes. It might have seemed a bit like an excuse, but I really did feel terrible, and not only because of all the pain I was feeling. I let out a small groan and opened my eyes. Jack was looking at me with concerned eyes.  
  
“I understand,” he muttered and kept giving me the same look, “I’m pretty sure my mom won’t mind…”  
  
I nodded softly, moving my head minimally. A headache started building up, making it feel like my temples were crushing under heavy pressure from the inside. I could already feel that this headache wasn’t going to let me be for a long time. Not only did it make me feel dizzy, but it also made the pain in my stomach worse. I didn’t even care about the mental agony and misery in my heart, all the physical pain was over powering it all, not giving any other emotions space. It was a selfish feeling, battling inside of me.  
  
The funny queasy feeling wasn’t subsiding at all, not even when I closed my eyes and focused on trying to keep it all down. I could feel the acidic bile slowly starting to rise up my throat, trying to take over the neutral taste my mouth had. Normally, I would have risked it and stayed in bed, but I knew there was no way that I was going to hold it in this time. I had never felt this debilitated before, not even when I had to stay home for two weeks when I was seven years old, not even when I broke my arm at eleven and the doctors drugged me up.  
  
Sick coming up even further made me throw off the comforting warm covers and jump out of the bed that was just big enough for two people. Jack looked shocked with my sudden outburst, but I didn’t stop to tell him what was wrong. I ignored all the pain soaring through my body as my feet rushed along the carpeted floor and to where I knew the bathroom was. Fortunately for me, nobody was in the bathroom and I could hurry in without having to wait. In no time I had fallen to my knees in front of the toilet. I didn’t have any time to pull back my hair, nor could I let myself sit more comfortably. All my body wanted was to get rid of the disgusted sense.  
  
It didn’t take long until I felt somebody reach out and pull all my hair back. I didn’t know who it was and was ready to scream out for help, but Jack already started rubbing circles on my back and mumbling that it was ok. _But I knew it would never be_. Just knowing the truth and that Jack was lying to me already managed to bring tears to my eyes. It weren’t the details that got me, it was knowing that I would never get rid of the long term consequences. I was always going to be broken, I was never going to be wanted.  
  
“Is everything ok in here?” The sweet voice of Jack’s mom came from around the corner as she guided herself to the bathroom, already knowing something was wrong. She didn’t come further that the doorway, which I was thankful for. I couldn’t stand it being more crowded that it already was.  
  
“I- I think she shouldn’t go to school today,” Jack suggested in a quiet tone. It was like he was too afraid to set me off, not only by how loud he was being, but also by suggesting that I wasn’t fit and good enough to do normal things.  
  
But I knew better than that. I wasn’t stupid enough to think I was capable of doing things that I obviously couldn’t do. Not only couldn’t I properly move without being in so much pain, not only was I afraid that he would find me, but I was also afraid everybody already knew. Of course they would already know! Everybody would just be able to know without seeing me. It was all so obvious. I was never ever going to go back.  
  
Jack helped me clean up before carrying me back to his room. Even though I was sick, he tucked me in, brushing my hair out of my face and placing a plastic trash can next to the bed. I gave him a watery smile to thank him, and let myself hide into the pillows placed around messily. Joyce came in with a glass of water and placed it on the bedside table before taking a seat next to me.  
  
Jack got the hint and left the room, grabbing his school bag along. I tried my best not to feel a bit uncomfortable while Joyce and I sat in silence. It had been a while since I had been in a terrible and sad situation like this… _it had been a while since I had a mother figure._ I wasn’t exactly sure how to act. Most of my life I had been only around guys, but now there was actually a female who understood everything.  
  
Joyce softly ran her hand up and down my arm in a comforting way, “I called Isobel last evening. She knows you’re here and what happened. For now you can stay here, even if it takes weeks, but eventually you will have to go back. Not for me, but for you. It will be much better if you had somebody there who knows what happened and knows that certain things will never be ok. We’re also going to contact your father, but it didn’t feel right worrying him in the middle of the night. I’ll call him in a bit.”  
  
Her mentioning my father was just a bit too much for me. I couldn’t help but let out a couple of loud sobs. She was right, it was the best thing to tell them, they had to know. But I could only imagine how distressed my dad was going to be. It had always been us against the world, us being there when we needed each other and protecting each other. But now he had to find out the worst crime that could happen to his daughter had happened. I didn’t want him to feel bad because of me.  
  
\----  
  
I had been sleeping most of the day, occasionally waking up from the recurring nightmares. It was a weird cycle I was in: too tired to keep my eyes open, falling asleep, waking up sweating -- sometimes with an occasional scream --, only to not get enough rest and repeat the whole thing. But it was all _my_ fault. I was the one who brought it on myself. I should have gotten away before it was too late… but I had too much faith in him.  
  
This time, however, I wasn’t woken by my own mind playing tricks on me. Loud footsteps were running up the stairs, trying to beat each other to their destination. They were chasing each other, one trying to catch the other, but the steps caused the occasional slip and louder bang.  
  
“Alex, _no!”_ Jack shouted, probably being the one who was behind, _“Seriously!”_  
  
“I just want to know how she’s doing!” Alex shouted back, his voice much closer and thus much louder than Jacks.  
  
However, Jack managed to catch up in no time and blocked the way, as evident by the loud thump against the door. It seemed, though, that this caught Alex off guard, like he was actually heading somewhere else, only to see where I actually was because of Jack freaking out.  
  
“She’s staying in your room?” Alex mumbled in a disbelieving voice, suddenly talking in a normal level of noise rather than shouting every single word that left his mouth. When Jack didn’t reply, Alex pushed further by asking another question, “Did something happen between you guys?!”  
  
Oh no. Alex knew about the accidental kiss Jack and I shared. Jack told somebody and now everybody in the entire school knew. But that was just the problem. It was completely accidental and hadn’t been intended to happen. The bed wasn’t big enough for us facing each other without being pressed up against each other. It couldn’t even be classified as a kiss. Jack and i would never do something like that.  
  
“No!” Jack replied way too quickly. He was probably thinking about the same thing, but wasn’t sure exactly what to make of it. I was certain, though, that it didn’t mean anything to him either.  
  
“Well, at least let me give her the clothes my mom told me to bring over,” Alex sighed before raising his voice a notch again, “I don’t even get it. Sure, she’s sick and I know that Luke hit her. But why does she need to stay here! _Why can’t she come back home with me!?”_  
  
I pulled the covers over my entire head and pretended to be asleep in hope that I actually would. Jack and Alex barely fought, and I couldn’t stand them yelling at each other because of me. No, I didn’t want to go with Alex. _He didn’t understand._  
  
The doorknob twisted and Jack voice was heard one last time, “be carefull--” the door opened pretty loudly before he could finish his warning, “... she’s probably asleep..”  
  
And then there was just silence. Five whole minutes of it. I could feel stares of me and I tried my best to make my fake sleeping seem as realistic as possible. My lungs weren’t getting enough air with how low I was trying to breathe and my limbs were already aching from staying in the same position.  
  
“I feel so bad, Jack. I could have stopped it all!”  
  
 _No, he couldn’t have. He couldn’t even have known. I made sure he wasn’t my friend anymore, there was no way he could have helped._


	38. Trying For a New Start

**Ash’s POV**  
I was sat on Jack’s unmade bed. The bruises all over my body, which were once dark purple, were now coming closer to blue, some even starting to turn yellow. I felt disgusting. Wherever I looked, the mark on my body made me feel sick. Not only did they look unhealthy and gruesome, but I knew exactly how I got each of them, the images becoming more lively every single time I closed my eyes.  
  
It had been exactly a week since the entire thing happened. I had stayed with Jack that entire time, sharing his bed every night and only occasionally leaving his room. Alex still came over nearly every day, demanding to see me, but I was either faking being asleep or Jack was actually able to hold him back before he could get to me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to see me so badly, because I desperately wanted to avoid him.  
  
But that was going to have to change today. It might have already been 11am on a Wednesday, but today was the first day I was going to go back to school. I didn’t have to go the entire day, as obvious by the time it currently was, but I had to go back and get used to it. As much as I despised that idea, I knew it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t just keep hiding out here for the rest of my life.  
  
Jack was going to be with me the entire day, however. It just so coincidentally happened that the last couple of classes we had on a Wednesday were classes we were both in. He got to stay with me the entire morning, not having to go to school or wake up early. We both slept in, huddled up underneath the covers, his arms wrapped around me.  
  
I could swear that Jack’s parents were suspecting that something was going on between their son and me, but I could confirm nothing was. We both decided to forget about that super short kiss we shared, although he had told Alex about it. I didn’t know why it was so urgent to tell him, because if it were up to me, I wouldn’t have told anybody. But Jack insisted. And, yes, Jack and I were always cuddled up together, but that was only being he was here for me and I actually trusted him. I needed somebody, and Jack just happened to be the perfect person for that. But there were no romantic feelings involved. It wasn’t like I was ready for anything like that anyway… I probably was never going to be.  
  
Jack was still trying to find some clothes in his closet for him to wear. I had been awake for quite a long time, but couldn’t help but stay quietly in Jack’s arms for the last two hours he still slept. This had also been hard on his and I wasn’t going to take his rest away from him; he was already giving me so much!  
  
He placed a pair of black skinny jeans and a black Blink-182 hoodie next to me. While he pulled off his pajama shirt, I picked up the hoodie and looked at it before pulling it on myself. The clothes I was wearing made me feel so uncomfortable and exposed. It was only pair of gray tight sweatpants and a plain light blue t-shirt, but the sleeveless top made me cringe. All my bruises were out there for the world to see. I did mentally thank Isobel for giving me sweatpants instead of jeans, though. But she didn’t know how bad the situation was on my arms, so I couldn’t blame her. Jack’s sweater made me feel more secure, though. It was way too big, the sleeves going inches past the tips of my fingers, the length of the article going down to my midthigh. But it made me feel better.  
  
“Oh,” Jack put away his shirt as was about to put on the sweater, only to find that I was already wearing it. He could only chuckle, “I guess we can do that as well.”  
  
I gave him a small thankful smile and watched as he turned back around to his closet. The boy was really lanky, even worse than Alex was, but it fit him. I pulled the hood over my head, planning to spend the rest of the day like that. I didn’t want anybody to see me or see what happened to me. Everybody was going to judge. They would all be able to find out just looking at me.  
  
As Jack put on something else, I just sat there quietly trying my best not to watch him, but it was nearly impossible with how his room was designed. I decided to look at the floor instead, not wanting to invade his privacy. The house was quiet. Every small creak and thump was heard loudly, giving everything an eerie and lonely tang. Jack’s parents were both out, allowing everything the echo from the walls. The only clear sound I could hear was mine and Jack’s quiet and calm breathing. Everything was so peaceful here. I didn’t want to leave. As soon as I would enter the school building everybody would start whispering, heckling, and shouting. I couldn’t deal with that.  
  
My breath got shaky, my heart telling me to hide away for just a bit longer. It was dangerous out there, even though I was trying to tell myself otherwise. Before I knew it, a loud sob wracked from my lungs, disrupting the serenity.  
  
Jack’s head snapped toward the sound, his eyes falling on my shaking body. He rushed over, quickly pulling his shirt down his torso. His warm arms wrapped around me as he rested his chin on top of my head.  
  
“You don’t have to go if you’re not ready yet,” he whispered, running his fingers through my hair to calm me down. I tried my best to hold back all the tears and whimpers, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength.  
  
And I nearly gave in… _nearly_.  
  
\----  
  
The car ride to school was different. It wasn’t the normal drive by houses and people, no it was terrifying. Every dark corner and small alleyway screamed at me, trying to lure me in yet keeping me away. Evil could be lurking in those areas, trying to hurt me. I was afraid that Luke could be sitting in any of the cars around us, waiting to get his chance to take me. Secretly I knew it wasn’t possible, but I couldn’t help the fear that was consuming me.  
  
Nerves were rushing through me as we first arrived at school. Nobody was outside, meaning we had just avoided lunch. I was so afraid we would come while break was still going on. Then everybody would actually see me, but not the halls were empty and everybody was behind a door. Nobody could look through a wooden door. Right?  
  
We first went to the administration’s office to get out late slips. Jack mom had already called in to tell the school that we were going to be late, but I didn’t know if anybody here, except for Jack, knew what had happened. There was never any conversation about telling teachers, and I really hoped they didn’t know. If teachers knew, kids would know in no time, and rumours would be spreading around. If any of that were true, I was going to run.  
  
The lady behind the desk handed us the notes, giving us both a smile, even Jack who often came here without a valid reason for being late. It must have been a miracle to see him with an actual reason. And then it was time for us to find our next class: history. Alex was in that class as well. He would be the first person to see me.  
  
In no time we were in front of the closed door. The sound of the teacher talking could be heard through the thin piece of wood, clear enough to know she was explaining, but muffled enough to not know what she was saying. If i would have been able to make out her words, I would have begged Jack to let me stay here to listen in. But that wasn’t an option.  
  
I stood behind him while he knocked on the door, opening it soon after. The entire class went quiet and I knew everybody was looking in our direction. I couldn’t do this. While Jack walked right in, I quickly hid behind the wall so nobody would have ever known that I was there. There were some comments about Jack finally being here, and I knew I had made the right choice. They were also going to make comments about me.  
  
“Nice of you to join us, Jack,” the teacher told him, obviously pretty annoyed that he was disrupting the entire class.  
  
“You’re welcome, but--” he stopped halfway through his sentence that had made people already laugh. “Wait. I’ll be right back, I gotta get something.”  
  
“Jack, you already disturbed once, go take a seat.”  
  
“Trust me on this one.”  
  
“Ja--”  
  
And then I heard the door close. Footsteps came up to me and I saw Jack’s shoes right in front of me. His fingers went under my chin, pushing it up so I looked at him. His concerned face already caused my eyes to water up. He shouldn’t have to worry about me like this. I was only annoying and getting in the way of everything. The guilt made me look anywhere but in his eyes.  
  
“How about we make a deal, ok?” he mumbled, not raising his voice in fear that anybody would hear, causing my secret to be known, “you try going to this class, but if it doesn’t work out, you tell me, and I’ll bring you back home and we’ll try another time. But I kinds got myself in some deep shit right now and already walked inside, I can’t really not show up anymore and I don’t want to leave you out here by yourself.”  
  
I didn’t want to. I wanted to run down those abandoned hallways, run away from everybody here, and hide so nobody would ever be able to find me. This world wasn’t safe and it never would be. I didn’t want to go back home with Alex at the end of this day, and I didn’t even want to go back with Jack. All I wanted was to be gone. I wasn’t strong enough for any of this.  
  
Yet I still found myself nodding. I was saying yes to Jack, I was telling him I was going to go with him to class. Big mistake. Even though I knew exactly what was going to happen, I still went through with it. All my suspicions were going to be right.  
  
As soon as we entered the classroom, everybody turned quiet. I heard my name being whispered between pairs and everybody’s eyes were on me. They had all forgotten the class clown who had been in just a couple minutes before, standing right in front of me. As reflex, I pulled the hood further over my head, shielding my face from anybody who tried to get a look. I could just feel the rumours already starting, I didn’t need eyes or amplified hearing for that.  
  
Jack lightly took hold of my hand and directed me to two empty seats in the back after handing the late slips to the teacher. She thanked him, also seemingly quite surprised that I was here. People probably thought I was never going to come back anymore, or that I had returned to Germany. But here I was, for everybody to see, looking worse than on my normal off days.  
  
I carefully sat down on the cold seat, looking right at the desk. It would be a risk looking up. People would see the dark hole that was my face. I couldn’t allow that. But it was stupid of me to think things would be that easy. Of course things wouldn’t go the way I wanted. It just didn’t work that way! What made it even worse was that I noticed the Alex’s bag was right in front of me feet. He was sitting right in front of me. Everything was going terrible.  
  
“Ash, please take off your hood, you’re not allowed to have it up in class,” the teacher told me, but not in a stern voice. Normally they got furious.  
  
Everybody turned to look at me, but I didn’t move an inch. I didn’t even dare to look to the side to make eye contact with Jack. Maybe he could help me. However, he kept his mouth shut as well. I just continued to stare at the engraving of profanities on the wooden desk. They seemed so interesting while I normally ignored them or got annoyed by them because they caused dents in my writing.  
  
The teacher repeated herself twice more and I couldn’t bare the stares I felt all around me anymore. So, I did it. I just did it. The hood came off and everybody gasped audibly.  
  
I looked right into Alex’s painful eyes. Those beautiful welcoming brown eyes had never been so cold before.


	39. Maybe This Wasn't A Good Idea

**Ash’s POV**  
I had never left a class as fast as I did this time when the bell finally rang. The whispers and stares had continued for the rest of the lesson. I didn’t even understand how the teacher didn’t care that the students weren’t paying attention. Everybody was focused on me, and all I wanted to do was slide down my chair and hide. At least Alex was sat in front of me, so he couldn’t take glances at me. I knew that was going to happen if he sat anywhere but there. There was this one time he purposely dropped his pencil so he could look around -- well, it seemed very on purpose, but there was still a small chance of it actually being an accident.  
  
But for now, I had to get out of the classroom. My hood went back up and my feet quickly moved me to my locker, ignore anybody wanting my attention or giving me attention. But, of course, I had totally forgotten that Alex’s locker was right next to mine. I didn’t even know why I was so afraid of seeing him, I just was. Knowing that I was supposed to go back home with him when school ended terrified me. But I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because I was too afraid of him judging me, or maybe even being disappointed in me… _But I didn’t know why._  
  
I jumped when I saw a figure standing next to me. The thought of it possibly being Alex made my heart race. I tried my best to ignore them, like I didn't realise their presence, but it was nearly impossible. My body wouldn’t let me pay attention to anything else, it was too afraid of what they were going to do next.  
  
“Are you ok?” the tall person said. I immediately recognized Jack’s voice and turned around to hug him. My head pressed up against his chest while I let my bag drop to the floor. I needed him, or I felt like I was going to break apart and shatter into millions of pieces. His arms wrapped tightly around me in the comforting way I had gotten used to, and softly rested his head on top of mine. I used to hate how much taller he was than me, but now I couldn’t help but love him for it. It was like I was the perfect height to fit side by side to his body.  
  
“Ash!” Two girls shouted in glee before I heard them run up to me, “You’re back!”  
  
Next, it was only Harper who continued talking, happy to see me after the time I had been gone, “Oh my god, you don’t know how much we’ve missed you. School’s been so lame without you!”  
  
But I couldn’t care less. I stayed latched onto Jack while not even a small sound escaped me. Right now, I could not deal with them being hyper around me, let alone them wanting to hug me. I didn’t want anybody but Jack touching me. I was used to him, but anybody else was strange and menacing.  
  
“Did I miss something here?” Alex chuckled as he joined us. Although he had been in the same class, he was a lot later. I didn’t know why, and normally I would have asked, but I didn’t want to make conversation now. And I didn’t have any right to ask him. I didn’t want them asking me questions, so I also couldn’t ask them questions. It would be unfair.  
  
“Nope,” Jack shook his head on top of mine, causing my hair to mess up completely from the static energy created by the fabric of the hoodie, “just us going to class,” he then moved to look down at me, even though I was looking at my locker without any emotion, “are we going to walk like this?”  
  
I nodded softly and couldn’t help the small smile forming on my own lips. Of course it was nearly impossible to walk with the way we were wrapped around each other, but I would love to see Jack try it out. It wouldn’t even matter to him if we fell over, and, to be honest, it wasn’t like the bruising I had could get any worse.  
  
“Ok then. First we gotta bend down to pick up your bag,” He leaned down over me to I was basically doing the limbo with his weight on top of me. Detaching his hand from my waist for just a second, he picked it up and made it hand from his wrist, before going back to holding me. “And now we gotta shuffle!”  
  
And so we did. We were both focused on moving our feet at the same pace and at the same time. It felt like we were going so far, but we had only moved a foot or so. Jack just seemed so determined to make it work, so I wasn’t going to tell him to give up. I didn’t want to ruin the dreams he had right now.  
  
“Guys, we still gotta make it to homeroom, you guys are going snail pace,” Alex tried to be stern, but could help but let out a small giggle at the crab movements Jack and I were making.  
  
“Shut up, Lex!” Jack shouted at his best friend, “This is a whole lot more fun than homeroom! Homeroom can go fuck itself!”  
  
Oh boy, was that such a true statement, and especially what happened during that lesson. I would have done anything but have to go through with what happened then. But luckily, we weren’t there yet. I was still in the moment with Jack, being cheered up by him trying to make our silly walk work.  
  
However, that fulfillment didn’t really work out. We weren’t even that far from my locker when I could just feel us losing balance quickly. I wasn’t strong nor heavy enough to correct it, and Jack didn’t even seem to think about it. In no time, I was falling forward, right on top of Jack as he hit the floor. While my fall was damped and not that painful, Jack was in a completely different situation.  
  
 _“Knee to the balls!”_ He screamed out as he couldn’t managed to move around in pain, “oh fucking god, it hurts so bad!”  
  
The three friends surrounding us burst out laughing, while I couldn’t let out anything more than just a breathy chuckle. It was the most I had laughed in awhile, though, even though it wasn’t much at all. I got off of the poor guy who was in agonizing pain, and looked down at him. Either he was overreacting or he was actually in so much pain, and I wasn’t sure what to do. This was basically my fault.  
  
“Ok, bro, time to get up,” Alex walked up, holding his hand out for Jack to take, taking over the job that I actually should have been doing, “No time for this.”  
  
After Jack stopped rolling around on the floor for another couple of minutes, we finally made it to class. I didn’t know how we were going to get out of coming so late. Nobody could come up with a better than Jack, who literally said we would have to tell our teacher that it was a medical emergency. He claimed it really was one, so that it wasn’t a lie. However, we were lucky enough to see that our teacher wasn’t in class yet. It was only after we sat down that she came in.  
  
While the teacher was setting something up with the beamer, Jack trailed up and down my arm, even though it was hidden under the hoodie I was wearing. If it had been anybody else, I would probably have flinched away, but I had managed to trust Jack in no time. So, when his fingers went down my hand and started ghosting at my fingers, interlinking with them very softly in a comforting embrace, I didn’t mind.  
  
Jack’s touch just reminded me that he was there and that nothing was going to get to me. He would be there to stop it from reaching me. The look Alex gave us, however, made me feel queasy. His eyes were fixed on mine and Jack’s hands, like his glare would be able to break them apart. But I didn’t want that to happen. Letting go of Jack’s hand would be like him letting go of me.  
  
Instead, I tried to focus on the teacher who was starting up the class. She hadn’t seemed to realise that I had my hood up still, and I really hoped she wouldn’t notice at all. I didn’t want more people to stare at me for another class. But I would never have expected what came next.  
  
“Ok, guys,” she started off, the presentation on the board not giving away yet what we were going to be discussing, but it soon left her mouth, “we are going to be discussing Rape Awareness today.”  
  
I froze up completely. _No._  
  
My heart was beating rapidly, my eyes dilating, breathing becoming ragged. _No._  
  
 _No, no, no, no, no!!!_  
  
Jack tried to calm me down, trying to give my hand a squeeze. But it was too late. I ripped apart our hands and rushed out of the classroom, my hips screaming in pain as I hit table corners. I just had to get out of there before it started.  
  
I ran. I ran down the hallway, only to collapse into the lockers, a loud sob wracking from my throat. I couldn’t believe it. Out of any day she could have chosen, she decided to chose this topic on the day I came back. It was like the world was telling me I had to hide for the rest of my life and never get the courage to try it out again.  
  
I could just imagine the snickers that were now going on in that classroom, mocking me for running away. The looks they gave me were judging, laughing at me for everything that happened. I just couldn’t take it. This was too much.  
  
“Ash!” Alex shouted as he rushed down the same hallway. He slowed down just a couple of steps away from me, just to sit down next to me. This time, he only whispered, “Ash. Did he-- did he do this to you?”  
  
I knew exactly what he meant with this. He meant part of the term said by our teacher just seconds before. I couldn’t answer. My crying got even louder, however, giving him the answer he was looking for. He knew now. I didn’t want him to ever find out, and now he knew.  
  
 _Just run away already. Join the rest of the class in making fun of me. It’s not like it will affect me. I’ve got Jack, you can just join the others. Be the person they always want you to be. Don’t act like you care._  
  
Jack joined us as well, “guys, the teacher says you have to get back now.”  
  
“Well, fuck her,” Alex exclaimed, still looking right at me, anger fuming from him, “I am not making Ash go back in there unless she wants to!”  
  
“Ok,” was all Jack mumbled. I could tell that he agreed with Alex, and hated the fact that he was the one that was sent out to give us the message.  
  
After some silence, Alex realised something, “wait a second, did you know?!”  
  
“Umm…”  
  
“You knew and didn’t tell me! What the fuck, Jack!” He stood up and faced the boy who had been caring me for the past week, “Why would you do that to me!”  
  
When Jack didn’t answer, not wanting to let his bestfriend know that I was the one that told him not to. He was probably afraid that Alex would lash out on me instead. He didn’t want this to get any worse than it already was for me. I would have thanked him for it, but his friendship was getting ruined because of me.  
  
“You know what? Nevermind, then! Just tell the teacher that I’ll be back in a bit to collect our bags. I’m bring Ash back home with me!” Alex had only calmed down slightly, but only because he found a ‘solution’ for me, and not because he forgave Jack.  
  
I should have just stayed at Jack’s house.


	40. Adding More To The Confusion, and Some Confessions

**Ash’s POV  
** My head was resting against the cold window of Alex’s car. After his short outburst, Alex had managed to convince the administration to let us go home early. The woman behind the desk was originally not planning on letting Alex go, until he pulled me along. She recognized me from just an hour before, and gave us permission. I felt bad. She probably thought I was still feeling sick, while it wasn’t that at all. I didn’t even think she was going to let me go that easily, but, knowing Jack’s mom, she had probably said that if I ever had to go home before the end of school, that I should be allowed. Alex was only allowed to go because he was my ride back home and there was no point in him coming back for 10 minutes of class.

But after all that, I just had wished I hadn’t let Alex take me home. I would have much rather stayed with Jack. Here it was just way too awkward. I could tell that Alex wanted to start conversation, but kept holding back. He was just too afraid. And I hated that. Of course I didn’t mind him not asking questions, because that was exactly what I wanted, but I hated that he looked differently at me now. It was like I was some different person whom he had to be very careful around. I didn’t like it.

For some reason it was like my mind and body were disconnected. Like I had mentioned to many times before, I wanted to refuse talking to him forever, but my body disagreed. Once again, it failed me and started doing things I didn’t want.

“Why did you get mad at Jack?” I mumbled quietly, only barely being heard over the sound of the engine and the tires rolling over the road. My subconscious really wanted to know. I didn’t want to be the reason for them to be fighting.

Alex took a low breath after staying quiet for a while -- maybe he did it because he could barely hear me, or maybe he had to think of an answer -- but he still came up with something to say, “Because I really care about you-- care about your wellbeing. I have been so worried, and Jack just wouldn’t tell me what was going on. And now I found out he knew all along, but decided to keep it to himself instead.”

“I told him to stay quiet,” I whispered more to myself that directly at him, a tears rolling down my cheek. I didn’t know why I was about to start crying again. Everything was just getting me, too much for me to handle. If I hadn’t gone to school, none of this would have happened. I could have prevented it all just by following my gut feeling. But I was too ignorant and tried to be too brave.

After that, Alex didn’t answer anymore. He was silent, concentrating on the road in front of him, lost in thought. I didn’t know if he hadn’t heard me, or if he didn’t have anything to say to that. Not letting Jack tell anybody was very selfish of me, but I didn’t know any better. By doing it, I did not only make it more difficult for Jack, but I was making my friends feel like I didn’t trust them anymore.

But could I at all?

“And why did you follow me?” I asked next. If I was in the question asking mood now anyway, why not just go further? It wasn’t like I could make this whole situation any worse.

“I didn’t do something then, so I had to do something now,” he said in a monotone and cold voice. His knuckles had started turning white, clutching onto the steering wheel way too tightly. Something was going through his mind, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. But that wasn’t the only thing confusing me. His comment also messed with me.

“What?” I asked without even thinking about it first. My mind really was disconnected.

“I- I- I saw what Luke did to you in the parking lot,” he mumbled remorsefully, making me freeze up. _He knew and he didn’t do anything!_ He left me to fend for myself. Every little thing Luke had forced me to do was witnessed by the guy I shared a house with; the one guy who I would have had at least the decency to do something like that for me!

“What?” I repeated, but this time not in a questioning way. My voice was weak, shaking as my vision went blurry. The last thing I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn’t help it. I had been betrayed by someone I didn’t even know could hurt me as much as he was right now. I thought I had pushed him away! He wasn’t supposed to care about me anymore! _What the fuck was wrong with me!_

“I’m so sorry, Ash!” He shouted before breaking into tears himself, _“I’m so sorry!”_

He pulled over, not being able to drive in the state he was now. We both just sat there in the unmoving car, bawling our eyes out for different reasons that were connected so strongly.

\---  
 **Alex’s POV  
**  
The scene had been repeating in my mind ever since it had happened. Every time I closed my eyes, it appeared again, getting worse as time went past. My own mind was making me feel worse for the mistakes I had made. Luke would always grab her, hit her, slam her, making sure she felt as much pain as possible. Sometimes my dream would end with him killing her, and other times it got even worse than that. Ash would look at me, making eye contact, before he forced her into the filthy car. The look she gave me made me want to scream. I couldn’t believe I just let myself let her go like that.

Dinner was silent, everybody unsure with what they could say, too afraid with saying the wrong thing. Ash looked drained from any life she had in her when she came with Jack to school. All the remaining confidence and surety she had built up, was now completely gone. My actions had ruined anything left inside her, and it killed me. If I hadn’t been beating myself up about it before, I certainly was doing it now.

It turned out my mom and dad already knew. I didn’t know if I could tell them, but when they came up in my room later that evening, asking me if I had found out, I knew that it wasn’t necessary anymore. It wasn’t only Jack who had been keeping this from me, but my own parents hadn’t said a word, only telling me that Ash was sick and staying with Jack until she got better.

I guess she never did.

While I was up for another while, still overthinking everything while staring at my empty computer screen, Ash had gone to bed. She was silent, and I wouldn’t even had realised she had gotten ready if it weren’t for her quickly mumbling a goodnight to me. All the doors she opened and closed were done so cautiously, terrified of making a creak. Her footsteps were nonexistent, hiding from any evil lurking around.

I was the one who caused that. I could have prevented it all.

Over time, my parents went to bed as well, while I told them I still had to finish something for homework. But I was still staring at nothing. Homework was the last on my mind right now, even though it always was. My mind wasn’t even focused on music, like it normally was. It was all Ash. Ash, Ash, Ash. I could have prevented it.

Eventually, I fell asleep at my desk, my head laying on my arms while my back was bent in a weird angle. My laptop snoozed, turning of it’s light, causing the entire room to be dark. It all seemed to peaceful from the outside, but in my mind a war scene was going on. My mind was all over the place, fighting with itself to understand what I was feeling. It really couldn’t have been good for me.

I forced myself awake before my dream could end again. I didn’t want to know how I left Ash off this time. It was impossible for me to see her die one last time or feel my heart tear even further. Enough pain had already been caused by the vision.

The house was quiet… but not entirely. I could hear some sniffling, and this time it wasn’t me. I had already gotten used to waking up to myself crying, but my cheeks were completely dry. If it wasn’t me, it had to be Ash. I stretched out, standing up and taking off my jeans, going for some pajama bottoms first.

I would have immediately run over to her. But the skinny jeans were getting uncomfortably tight, and I couldn’t just show up in my boxers. The last thing I wanted was to make her scared. I had already messed up enough. So, I started my way across the hallway and knocked on her bedroom door before opening it.

Her body, lying in fetal position while the blankets were wrapped around her tightly, was shaking, small whimpers coming out of her. I could tell she was trying hold back so she wouldn’t wake up anybody else. Maybe I had actually woken myself up not just for myself; maybe there was a reason I did it; maybe I had subconsciously heard her.

“Ash?” I whispered into the room, entering a couple of steps further, “are you ok?”

I could see her shake her head. Of course she wasn’t ok. What was I expecting? Getting a positive answer out of her? This is why she chose Jack over me. He probably knew exactly what to say and when to say it, while I just did the wrong things the entire time. I didn’t even deserve to have a crush on her like I did. Maybe there was a reason why they had kissed and why it wasn’t me.

“Do you mind if I join you?” I still asked, not wanting to just climb into her bed without permission.

When she raised the covers for me. I slowly climbed in, careful not to make any sudden movements. I wasn’t sure if she was going be ok with this. But when she placed her head on my chest, I knew she wasn’t mad at me. I tried calming her down my running my fingers through her hair, cursing myself for feeling so nervous around her in a situation like this. Right now wasn’t a time for my heart to beat faster.

\----  
 **Ash’s POV**

When I woke up, I was still pressed tightly against Alex. I had surprised myself by letting him come in my bed. It was one thing to trust Jack that fast, but now I was allowing Alex to do it as well. Only, this time it was different. The decisions I made around Alex were different. They weren’t conscious. Everything happened automatically, like a reflex. While, with Jack, I actually was able to make my own decisions. It was really weird.

I was facing the digital clock on the bedside table. My eyes went wide when I saw it read 10am. We were supposed to be at school two hours ago! I pushed myself off of Alex, one hand on his chest, “Alex! It’s ten am!”

His eyes jumped open, turning to look at the clock before shooting upright, “shit!”

“Alex, language!” Isobel opened the door and glared at her son. Although he swore quite a lot, she always still said something to try an stop it, but it obviously never worked. He had even corrupted me.

“But we are way too late!” Alex exclaimed, pointing at the time. Normally he wasn’t so worried about getting to school on time, so it was weird seeing him act like this. I knew that if he had the option, he would just skip school nearly everyday. Maybe it was because I was here. I always used to be furious if he woke up late. But now, now I couldn’t care less. I didn’t want to go back to school. I knew for sure now that the news had spread around the school like wildfire.

“Relax,” Isobel chuckled and shook her head, “I let you guys stay in and told the school you two wouldn’t come in today. They completely understood.” She gave me a smile that showed how sorry she was. That was the only confirmation I needed to know that, indeed, everybody did know.

“Oh.”

“I am expecting you, Alex, to go back tomorrow.” She gave him one last stern look before leaving the room again, but keeping the door open. Although she knew nothing was going to happen, she still didn’t trust it. But, come on, who trusted their kids in their bedroom with somebody of the opposite gender (or same gender, or no gender, depending if they knew about their child’s sexuality).

Alex let out a small groan and fell back onto the pillow. I smiled down at him, realising how exhausted he actually looked up closer, “mornin’.”

His eyes snapped up towards me in slight shock, before returning my small smile, “morning.”

“I have to call Jack,” I thought out loud, reaching over to grab my phone on the floor of my side of the bed.

“Oh, that’s ok. Should I leave?” Alex showed some disappointment, already getting up to give me privacy.

But I shook my head. I didn’t know what made me trust Alex, especially with how he betrayed me, but I just did. Seeing him disappointed like that actually made me feel sad for some reason. I didn’t want him thinking I was calling Jack because he was the only person I felt like I could talk to. That wasn’t it at all.

“No, you can stay,” I told him, lightly pushing down on his shoulder.

“Okay.” He nodded and resumed his position, looking at me with expectant eyes.

“I just want to tell him you helped me through the night and that you forgive him,” even though Alex never actually said he forgave his best friend, I dialed Jack’s number and put my phone to my ear, still looking right at Alex. I laughed softly, “your hair’s a mess.”

“It’s normally what happens after sleeping,” he laughed along with me.

I couldn’t help but reach out and try to fix his hair while I was letting the dial tones ring. Using my fingers as a comb, I gently took out the knots, occasionally placing a weird strand back in it’s place. His hair was surprisingly smooth to the touch, gliding through my fingers easily (the occasional knot being an exception). I never though his hair was this soft, but it felt so normal to me. All while I was doing this, Alex continued to give me focused eyes, watching my face.

Jack finally answered, not even bothering to say hello first, “Ash, I’m so so sorry for what happened. I’ll slap myself for you. I never knew this would happen. I feel so fucking stupid! I’m so so sorry!”

“Jack, calm down, Everything’s fine. Alex helped me and he says he forgives you for not telling him. It’s all good, I don’t blame either of you, it’s all on me,” I replied telling exactly what I wanted, nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t know about me and Alex crying together but separately, and there was no need for me to explain the dream I had before waking up.

“Don’t say that,” Jack mumbled at the same time Alex was shaking his head at me, “none of it’s your fault. Trust me, ok? None of it is.”

“Ok,” I whispered back, “I’ll let you get back to your school work. Bye”

I hung up the phone before he could say goodbye back to me. My eyes still hadn’t left Alex, who was now waiting for me to finish the phone call. As soon as I put my phone away, he started talking, thinking the exact same Jack was.

He opened his arms for me, and I cuddled into his arms, “don’t ever blame yourself for what happened.


	41. Catching Up on Our Lives

**Ash’s POV**  
I somehow managed to stay home for another week, and not just like a couple of days like originally planned. You see, I still wasn’t feeling very well. Not the whole mental thing going on with me right now, but it was physically. Also not the bruises. I just felt sick, having to run to the bathroom every once in awhile. It was likely that I was making myself feel sick, if you know what I mean, like it was all in my head. But Isobel decided to keep me in anyway. It wasn’t like I minded, though. I really wasn’t ready to face everybody at school again.  
  
It might sound sad, but Alex coming home really was the highlight of my day. I had nothing to do the hours I was awake and he wasn’t around. There was no homework to do, because I missed out so much, and every time I tried to catch up with what I missed, I would be throwing up again. On one hand I really wanted to get better, but apparently I also didn’t want to at the same time.  
  
I literally had nothing to do other than hang around and watch TV. Although I didn’t feel like doing anything, I also didn’t feel like lying around all day. Sometimes I would feel very sick, like I seriously wasn’t going to get better soon, but often I also felt like nothing was actually wrong with me. It was really weird. Like, I wasn’t really sick, but at the same time I was. It might have been some weird virus or something.  
  
Anyway, back to the highlight of the day. I felt bad. I had basically just dropped Jack completely, and I didn’t want him to think I used him. It was just that Alex was now here everyday, looking after me even though he didn’t have to. One moment I only wanted to be around Jack and was terrified of Alex, but now I was attached to the one I never thought I would be. I, myself, did not understand why. With what Luke had done to me, I thought I would have been terrified of any guy, no matter how nice they were. But now I was just hoping from one to the other. _I did not understand why._  
  
It was completely pathetic that I was on the couch in the living room, waiting for alex, knowing that his car would pull up any second. I was just sitting there with a blanket draped around me, looking at the front door hoping to see Alex walk in. It wasn’t like it seemed to bother him, but it made me feel like shit. Once again, I was letting myself become dependent on a guy, something I had never seen myself doing. But I couldn’t do it all by myself, and I knew that trying to act strong would be the wrong decision.  
  
And then a car drove onto the driveway. I recognised it and immediately perked up, ready to rush over to the front door. When Alex finally entered, I ran over to him, hugging him tightly and resting my my head right against his chest. He chuckled and wrapped an arm around me, kissing the top of my head.  
  
“Hello to you too,” he grinned down at me, already used to me doing this everyday. I was actually surprised he wasn’t fed up with me already. It was actually the same exact routine the entire time… oh shit. I couldn’t be going back to my old ways, right? This wasn’t another OCD thing where I would have to go through the same routine the entire time or I’d feel like something terrible would go down? No, it couldn’t be.  
  
“I missed you,” I whispered out unintentionally. Was I really that girl now? The one who could go without their boyfriend for a couple of hours? Except, Alex was my boy friend, a friend that is a boy, not my actual boyfriend. But you probably know what I mean.  
  
“Well, good, ‘cause I’ve been missing my buddy in nearly every single class,” Alex laughed, trying to lighten up the whole fact that I hadn’t been to school in ages. I could have totally taken offense to that joke, but I decided not to go there. I didn’t want to fight with him, that would only leave me in tears.  
  
I pulled away and looked up at him, “what did I miss?”  
  
He gave me an awkward smile, walking past me to go to the kitchen and get himself a drink, “umm, nothing really.”  
  
\---  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
 _“Umm, nothing really.”_  
  
That wasn’t exactly true, I just didn’t want Ash to know. Let’s just say that things had gotten a lot different at school. Well, a lot different might be an exaggeration. However, there was some stuff going on around Ash having been raped. Since nobody actually knew what happened, only that she ran out during class, there were so many rumours. Everybody was trying to figure out what happened, and it made me feel like shit. At first I tried to get people to shut up, but now the whole school was talking about it. I couldn’t get hundreds of students to just stop taking.  
  
The rumours going around were terrible. At first it just started out with the rumour of her being raped, but now it had completely escalated. People were making up where it happened and when it happened, who did it, and how Ash had behaved. They were all acting like they knew all the details. And I was the one in the middle of it. Everybody came to me and Jack asking us if some rumour was true. Both Jack and I had agreed to always tell them that it wasn’t right, even if it got really close to the actual thing. We weren’t going to let this happen to Ash.  
  
Even though there were so many rumours, many students were also coming up to me asking me to tell Ash that they hope she’s doing fine. I, of course, never told Ash since I didn’t want her knowing that the whole school was speculating, although she probably already knew something like that was going on. But, you see, the majority of people were nice about it and concerned about Ash, however that was exactly it: the majority. That did not include everyone. There was this group of people who made fun of it, joking around and wanting to make it even worse for Ash.  
  
Who lead this group? Remember that guy when Ash just came here? The one who teased her about coming from Germany? The one who got hit by the board marker in music class? Yeah? Maybe you might recognize his name: Stewart. I don’t know what his motivation was, but he always liked to make fun of other people’s problems. Nobody feared him, and we all actually thought he was very weird. The bullies are not always the ones who get everybody to obey. He had a couple of friends, but we all just ignored them. Now, however, I kept my eye on them, ready to pounce. They were not going to make fun of Ash like that.  
  
And then there was Ash who kept giving me more and more affection as the days went past. That really didn’t help the humongous crush I had on her. I was really trying to put my feelings aside so I would actually help her as a friend, but it just seemed so impossible. Maybe it would have been easier for me if I let her stay with Jack, and let him be the first person she went to, but I messed that up. I wasn’t sure how Jack felt about it, but I felt like I had taken Ash away from him.  
  
I was giving myself false hope with the way Ash acted around me. Yes, I knew it meant nothing and that she wouldn’t even be close to ready to have a new relationship if she thought about me that way. There was just no way Ash and I would ever end up together, and I just had to get over her, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t suppress those stupid feelings I really wanted gone. She was just so beautiful in every way, and I couldn’t help it.  
  
Occasionally, I still got the nightmares; I just wouldn’t forgive myself for what I let happen. They even started to give me anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. It absolutely terrified me, making me believe I was being punished for my actions. Ash and I had started a deal, however. Whenever she had bad dreams or was scared, I would come to her, or she could come and climb into my bed, and if I had another anxiety attack, she would help me and fall asleep with me. So, basically we would fall asleep separately in the evening, only to wake up together nearly every morning. My parents didn’t seem to mind, though. It was like one big support system Ash and I had built up, and so my parents were fine with the whole thing.  
  
I didn’t mind falling asleep with her in my arms, though.


	42. A Very Bad Surprise

**Alex’s POV  
** Things were weird as soon as Ash started to attend school again. My mum said it would be fine for her to stay back for even longer, but Ash herself now wanted to try going back to school. She had already been back for a day and a half, and things were going so much different than I had expected. No, the rumours weren’t overpowering her, they actually barely existed anymore. I sometimes heard whispers behind our back, but Ash didn’t seem to realise at all. Either that, or she was ignoring it completely. I didn’t know if she was strong enough for the latter, though.  
  
Stewart’s group was still going at it, though. They were laughing at her coming back, telling people that it would have been so much better for everyone if she just stayed and hid away and never showed her face ever again. I could not have Ash hear any of that. So, I got Rian, Jack, Harper, and Lianne, to help me direct Ash away whenever we got close to them. We couldn’t even let her suspect a thing. I was so happy she decided to make the big steps of coming back to school, I didn’t want anything scaring her away again  
  
So, yeah, basically I was at her side all the time. I just didn’t dare to leave her alone; not because I was afraid of what she would do, but because I was afraid of what others would do to her. Yes, it probably was like that because I wasn’t going to let myself be the reason why she got hurt again. I could not handle that happen to me another time.  
  
Speaking of which, the nightmares had started coming a lot less frequently. I think I was just slowly coming to terms with the fact that Ash had forgiven me, and that I couldn’t change it anymore. Of course I still felt terrible, but with Ash’s encouragement I was able to push through it. It only showed how much Ash and I had actually been helping each other through all of this, even though it just made my feelings for her any stronger.  
  
God, it didn’t matter what happened to her, I would still be in love with her. She could have been mauled by a bear, and I would still think she was the most beautiful thing alive; she could curse at me, call me names, and I’d still feel like she had the best personality ever. I was head of heels for her and there was no coming out of it. In all seriousness, I was just stuck and fixated on her, nothing and nobody else could get my attention away from her.  
  
Today was going to be the first day I dared to bring Jack, Rian, and Zack over again. We had plans to just hang out and talk about the band. There were some exciting things coming up for us, and we just really wanted to discuss what was going to happen next. You are probably wondering why we wouldn’t just do it at the frequent band practises we had. Well, those meet ups weren’t that frequent anymore, quite the opposite actually. We decided to stop for a while because of Ash. Jack had suggested it when she was still staying with him. I was quite pissed at the beginning, but still agreed, and now I just really thanked him for the idea. The last week, I would not have wanted to go to band practise; I was too busy with Ash, trying to make her feel better and be there for her.  
  
As soon as we arrived at my house, the guys and I retreated to my bedroom to go over the letter we had received. We also wanted Ash to come and join us, since we wanted to share everything with her as well, but she said she had other things to do. She claimed she had too much catching up to do, even though I knew the teachers were going easy on her for now.  
  
When I went to close my bedroom door, I saw Ash slip into the bathroom with her school bag. I raised my eyebrows in confusion, but decided to make nothing of it. Girls could be confusing sometimes, it wasn’t my place to judge her for that. Shrugging, I fully closed the door and took a seat on the floor, resting my back against my bed.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
 _Just do it, just knock on the door and open it._ My body was shaking uncontrollably as I looked back down at what I was holding in my hands. I couldn’t believe what was going on; I needed somebody to explain it to me. All I had to do was walk into Alex’s bedroom, and there would be four guys to tell me what was going on. It didn’t sound that difficult, right? Well, it definitely was. I couldn’t stop thinking about them judging me for it.  
  
Inside, I knew exactly how it happened, but I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t want to believe it. To me, it seemed more like some sick joke, like something that didn’t just happen like that. I never thought anything like this would happen to me, but that’s what everybody though, and yet it happened quite often. Nothing could have prepared me for it, though.  
  
If you are already guessing what it was, then great. You’ve probably got it right. I’m pretty sure most people already know. With all the signs and me being sinister about it now, you probably already figured it out before I did. I mean, of course it had to happen to me, because it wasn’t like my life was fucked up enough already. Nope, that wasn’t how it ever worked for me.  
  
Now, all I had to do was knock on that stupid door, go to Alex and Jack for comfort… and let Rian and Zack know as well… Everything would be fine, right? _Just go ahead and knock, Ash, it’s what you have to do!_ I just needed to build up the courage. Alex told me I could always walk in, so everything would be completely fine.  
  
I stayed still in front of the door, listening to their muffled conversation. I couldn’t hear a thing, and how no idea what it was about, but I didn’t just want to interrupt. However, if I didn’t do it now, then I would never do it. So, I put up my empty hand against the door, hiding my other hand behind my back, and slowly knocked.  
  
Somebody shouted a come in, and I suspected it to be Alex. It was now or never. I gathered my last bit of confidence, taking a deep breath. _I could do this!_ But as I comfortably opened the door only to see the four guys looking at me expectantly, I freaked the fuck out. Forget all that confidence I had built up before, this shit was way too much for me to do.  
  
I slammed the door shut, not being able to do it anyway. Tears were prickling my eyes as I rushed down the hallway before sliding down the wall right next to the bathroom. This was one of those contemplating suicide moments. I just wanted to be out of this misery, maybe I’d be with my mom, somewhere happy.  
  
“Ash? What’s wrong?” Alex and Jack both came out of the room, seeing my figure at the opposite end of the hallways.  
  
“N-nothing,” I breathed in and out heavily. My whole composure gave me away completely, and it didn’t help that I had actually started crying. It was completely and blatantly obvious that I was far from ok, even though it finally seemed like I was doing better today.  
  
They both took a seat either side of me, Alex to my right while Jack was to my left. Jack took this chance to wrap an arm around me, letting me lean into his side and cry into his shoulder.  
Alex carefully and slowly rubbed my leg, trying to comfort me. I knew it was supposed to make me feel better, but I just felt disgusting, like they shouldn’t be there for me.  
  
“Tell us what’s wrong, Ash,” Alex whispered to me, trying to make eye contact while I was refusing it.  
  
I handed him the plastic stick I was holding, the plus sign clearly visible.


	43. Solutions With Consequences (Good or Bad)

**Ash’s POV  
** Alex handed the note to the teacher as soon as we entered the classroom. He read over it, giving Alex a small nod before giving me a supportive smile. Of course the exact reason why we had to leave earlier wasn’t explicitly said, but there were still hints towards it. A ‘doctor’s’ appointment was the reason why. The teacher had already figured out that this was for me, and that Alex was just coming with me for support. It could have just as well been for him, but everybody knew what had happened.  
  
Do you know how difficult it is to act like you can’t hear all the whispers and feel all the stares? Do you know how hard it is to see your friends try their best to protect you from what everybody was saying? I just had to act like I didn’t notice a thing, like everything was the same before it all happened. Maybe at one point I’d be able to tell everyone that I didn’t care anymore, but now I just had to listen in without anybody noticing. Knowing people are talking about you gives you the worst feeling ever: betrayal, queasy, and out of the loop. I only heard small pieces and never the full thing. Before they would finish talking, they would realise I could possibly hear. _Do you know how hard that is?_  
  
The only thing I could do was act like I didn’t notice those small looks people gave me; those looks filled with sympathy, yet they’d never ever understand. Nobody would ever get it unless they experienced it themselves, and I would never wish that on anybody. No matter how bad a person was, they did not deserve anything like that.  
  
But I still felt like I did.  
  
I knew I was exactly five weeks pregnant on this day. It was all I was thinking about. Alex and Jack were there for me in the first couple of hours, then Isobel got to know, and I had to call my dad as I told him. I was sitting against my bedroom door, my head rested against Alex’s shoulder as the dial tones had gone off over the speakerphone. With my voice shaking and my eyes constantly in tears, I muttered out the simple impossible sentence to my dad: _‘I am pregnant’_. Alex held my hand the entire time while Jack called later to check up on me. It was one of the most distressing things I had ever had to do.  
  
I was just wondering if I had made the right decision. With all these different options available, I didn’t know if I had chosen the right one. I placed my hand on my stomach, knowing there was a life growing in there now, but I didn’t know how it made me feel. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting moment, something that happened in the future with somebody I loved. But now it was completely different. Those dreams were never going to happen now. It wasn’t going to work out that way anymore.  
  
Only when a piece of paper was placed in front of me did I suddenly snap back to reality. It was about a class trip to New York that was supposed to happen in a week and a half. I let out a small sigh as I placed both my hands on the desk, trailing the outline of the page. It was supposed to be fun, but I didn’t know how I was going to enjoy myself. Too much was going on in my mind for me to focus on anything else.  
  
As soon as the teacher finished talking about us having to hand in the permission slips by the beginning of the next week, Alex and I had to leave. Everybody was confused as to why we were leaving, only the teacher and Jack understood, not even Rian or our other friends knew about me being pregnant. As soon as Alex and I left the room, we were silent, not saying a word to each other, knowing what was about to come.  
  
The drive was reticent as well. There was nothing either of us could really say to each other. Luckily, it wasn’t too long, only half an hour, before we were at the building we needed to be. The sign next to the glass door only made my decision sink in even more, causing my doubts to become even greater: _**Abortion Clinic.**_  
  
I just hoped nobody saw me walk in.  
  
Everything was such a blur. Alex held the door open for me after we were buzzed in. The lady at the reception gave me friendly smiles as she explained all the forms I had to fill out. I was barely paying attention as she explained some of the process I was going to go through as soon as I got to meet the doctor. We were sent to the waiting room to fill out all the questions, and I immediately felt out of place.  
  
All the other women there were much older than me, not a single teenager in sight. They had to be there as well, but they probably came at hours after school. I was the odd one out. Many gave me weird looks, judging me for being so young while at the same time telling themselves that they shouldn’t judge me, because they were there as well. It was probably Alex with me that caused them to look up at us. It most likely looked like Alex and I messed up and that we were here without our parents knowing. But none of that could be more wrong. People just judged way too quickly, and I hated it; I wanted to cry as I was filling out all my medical details.  
  
And then the text message came while Alex handed back the papers to the lady at the reception.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I could tell how uncomfortable and unsure Ash felt. It must have been so difficult for her to make this decision. She only had three options: keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion. It took a while to figure out what she wanted to do, but after going through all the pros and cons, she made a decision. Putting the baby up for adoption would mean being pregnant for the rest of senior year, being more focused on that than being able to do school work, meaning she’d probably have to repeat the year, which was something she absolutely dreaded. It did mean, however, that the baby would be alive. Then keeping the baby for herself; it was the worst option. First she’d have all the cons that she also had when putting the baby up for adoption, and then she wouldn’t have been able to go to Julliard either, which she had been wanting since she first started playing the piano. Which left the last option: abortion. A child would never be born, but her future would be secured. At this point of her life, it was more important to care for herself than having to care for another human being. Right now she was just incapable of caring for a child, as rude as that might sound.  
  
I returned the blue clipboard to the reception before returning back to Ash. She was sitting in the chair, staring at her phone like she was ready to text something, but not sure what. As I went to sit down next to her, give a couple of smiles to the other people around us, she didn’t even acknowledge me. I thought it would hurt to take a quick glance at her screen, but what I saw mortified me.  
  
“Don’t you dare text that guy!” I shouted angrily as I grabbed the phone that she had a loose hold on. Everybody in the room turned to look at me, ready to get mad for harassing Ash. But that wasn’t even close to what I was doing.  
  
Ash continued to stare in front of her, where her gaze was when she was still holding the phone, only now her hands were playing with the hem of Jack’s hoodie she was wearing, before whispering to nobody in specific, “maybe he deserves to know.”  
  
“He doesn’t deserve shit!” I answered her directly, just wanting her to look right at me already so I knew she was actually listening, “I’m not letting him manipulate you again, Ash! That guy raped you!”  
  
That seemed to get her attention, because she her head suddenly snapped towards me with tears forming in her eyes, _“Not everybody here has to know!”_  
  
Well, I just royally fucked up. Ash had given me one more chance after I had failed the first time, and now I was messing it all up again. Did I really have to be that stupid!? Couldn’t I just be normal for once… be like Jack for once. I so badly wanted to be there for her, but I just kept doing the wrong things over and over again.  
  
I sighed, already regretting everything I said so badly, but also knowing I couldn’t let her let him back in her life, “I’m sorry. I just-- I just don’t want him to hurt you again. I already messed up the first time and didn’t help at all, while I really should have, I don’t want him doing all of that again. I won’t be able to live with myself if I see him touch you-- wait, no, do anything to you again. I don’t just have these nightmares for fun. They are just a constant reminder that I should have ran out of the classroom before it was too late. It’s terrifying having to see that image of him dragging you and beating you up almost every single night or when I close my eyes. I will not let any of that happen ever again!”  
  
I had never actually told her what my nightmares were about, but now she knew. She probably knew it had something to do with this whole thing, but now she knew exactly what had been giving me the anxiety attacks at night and what kept me up all the time. All I wanted was for her to say something back to me, but her name was already being called out.  
  
“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked her as she stood up, ready to follow the person. She just shook her head lightly and left without me, leaving her phone in my hands. It was the only proof I needed to know she didn’t want me around anymore, that I had used up my second chance.  
  
Fuck.  
  
“She’s not mad at you, she just needs to do this by herself. Trust me, with what you just said, a girl will not just give up on you,” the woman across the room said, looking up from the magazine she was browsing through before. I had no idea how she seemed so calm, because Ash definitely wasn’t anything like that.  
  
I shook my head, letting out a loud breath, “I don’t think so. I just keep on doing the wrong things and saying the wrong words.”  
  
“At least you’re trying, and that’s the main thing,” another lady said, somebody who wasn’t as calm as the one before, “She might not show it right now, but she really needs you. Just like you, she doesn’t know what to say. All you guys have to do is stay patient with each other and be there for each other. Trust me, you are a good boyfriend.”  
  
“Oh, no, I’m not her boyfriend,” I mumbled. As much as I wished I was, there was no way that was ever going to happen. She’d be much better off with somebody like Jack anyway.  
  
“Well, then you’re a very _very_ good friend. There are so many people who wouldn’t even try.”  
  
\---  
  
I decided to leave Ash be for the remainder of the time; I understood that she needed sometime alone. However, later that night, when I decided to go to and sleep, I saw Ash sitting on her bed with her legs up to her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, just staring blankly at the empty white wall in front of her. I knocked lightly on the door to ask if I could come in, but she didn’t move.  
  
I just decided to step in and ask her, “how are you doing? Are the cramps bad?”  
  
She nodded at the last question and decided to look at me, showing her tear stained face. It broke my heart to see her like this. I had no idea how hard this must have been on her, but I knew it couldn’t be fun and easy at all. She looked so conflicted, confused, and most of all grief-stricken.  
  
I decided to softly close the door behind me and climb onto the bed beside her, kissing her shoulder as I sat in a similar position. She never deserved to have things like this happen to her. But yet, the tears now turned into her crying into her hands and I wrapped my arms around her shaking body. This wasn’t how her life was supposed to go. She was the perfect girl, supposed to have the perfect life. But now she seemed so broken, like she would never recover.  
  
“It’s ok,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure what I was telling her was ok, but I knew I needed to comfort her. It was ok to cry, it was ok to be upset, and at one point she’d be ok with what happened, but not yet, not just yet.  
  
“No it’s not,” she hiccuped, looking right at me before scooting up against her headboard, waiting for me to join her, “it’s never going to be ok. All of this is going to haunt me forever. Although it might also be true, I don’t mean being afraid and having the feeling like I made the wrong decision. I mean that nobody’s ever going to want me!”  
  
“That’s not true, Ash,” I whispered, her words killing me inside. Was she really afraid everybody was going to detest her?  
  
“Who want’s a girl that’s been raped and had an abortion? Nobody does. I’ve been used, nobody likes that. People think it’s disgusting killing a child’s life before it’s even born, no matter what the circumstances. It is true. No matter what I do, people will always find a reason why they should hate me just because of the events that occurred the last couple of weeks. I never wanted anything to happen like this, but now I’ve gotta deal with the consequences. Nobody’s ever going to love a shy kid; nobody’s ever going to love somebody who’s been used and touched; nobody’s ever going to love… to love a _murderer!”_  
  
“Ash, _no!”_ I interrupted before she could go any further. I would never let her think this lowly of herself, no matter why she thought it, “You’re none of those. Well, you’re shy, but you’ve always been, and that isn’t a bad thing, ok? You’ve got people like Jack, and people who just like to be reserved. Nothing’s wrong with that. And of course you’re going to find somebody who will love you forever and ever. It might not happen in the next couple of months, but one day you’ll just find them there. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be a romantic partner, it can even be a very good friend. I know for a fact Jack loves you as a friend and I… I do to, ok?  
  
'If you still don’t believe me, let me tell you a story. Just like you did when you helped me out with my anxiety for the first time. You were there for me then, now I’m here for you now. So, I had a friend awhile back, he was a senior, just like we are right now -- I might have been a sophomore at the time, or just about the start my junior year. He had this amazing best friend who he loved so much. She didn’t know how much, though. One day something similar happened to the girl, and she was just as afraid as you are. The guy wanted to love her more than anything, just tell her, hold her, and kiss her, but he was afraid too. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend… he was too afraid she didn’t trust him…”  
  
“What did he do?” Ash looked at me, drying the last tears off her face. It was weird how short stories could just change somebody’s mood like that, but I had experienced it first handedly.  
  
“Nothing,” I sighed with a shrug, wondering if Ash knew this was about us, and not actually about somebody else, “He stayed her friend, but that was all.”  
  
“That’s just stupid!” Ash exclaimed, getting mad at the ‘fictional’ character that I played off as my friend, “if he knew that she was afraid that nobody would ever love her, then he should have told her! I’m pretty sure she would have been so happy to hear the words. And I call bullshit on her not trusting him. If he had managed to stay her friend throughout it all, why would he think she doesn’t trust him? Isn’t it obvious she was keeping him around because he was one of the only people she trusted!”  
  
Her face was covered in a red blush after she finished her rant. It was amazing to see how passionate she was about it, throwing all her emotion and anger into it. I just stared at her and took her in, “do you trust me?”  
  
She calmed down within a second, giving me a serious look that seemed so curious, “yeah.”  
  
I lent forward and let our lips touch in a soft movement. This wasn’t about forcing her into anything, I just wanted to do what she wanted the guy in my story to desperately do. She didn’t back away, but didn’t start kissing me back straight away either. But soon, she realised what I was doing, and let our lips mold together. Her breathing was calm and warm against my cheek as I dared to bring a hand to her neck for more support. I needed to show her how much I cared, and I decided to do it through this one kiss. Stay calm, but show her you care. With how fast my heart was beating, I was surprised how secure my actions were, like my body had gone in autopilot, knowing exactly what to do and what not to do around Ash. I wished it was always like this.  
  
Feeling more comfortable and like I was doing the right thing, I deepened the kiss just slightly. My body sat more up straight, wanting to be closer to her. I knew I was not going to let this go any further than this; kissing was where it was at. Yet, my body wanted to find a way in which it was much more comfortable, so without me knowing, I was going to hover over her. Big mistake. She pushed me off as fast as she could, looking at me with wide and terrified eyes.  
  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that!” I started rambling, a blush creeping up on my face in embarrassment, “I should have asked first, you probably didn’t want me to--”  
  
Before I couldn’t finish freaking out and reassessing all my life choices, she had gone to straddle me instead, starting the kiss once again. My hands slowly grazed her hips, afraid to break it all off with the wrong action like I did before. Our breathing was significantly calm, calmer than it had ever been. I thought that this was it, this was us being good again, but Ash pulled away one last time.  
  
“Sorry, you probably don’t want me sitting on you… with all the blood and stuff…” she muttered, already afraid of my reaction and starting to move off me.  
  
“No, it’s completely ok,” I shook my head and place my hand on her cheek, leaning up to connect our lips once again.


	44. Problems Downtown

**Ash’s POV  
**  
The door opened quickly as Isobel walked in the next morning, “Hey, Ash, have you seen Alex-- oh…” she caught off guard when she found him in my bed yet again. It wasn’t that she minded, she just had probably thought that we had stopped, especially since we hadn’t been doing it all that often anymore lately .  
  
“Well then,” she continued before walking out of my room, keeping the door open as well this time, “it’s time to get up.”  
  
Alex stirred underneath me, haven’t been as shocked by his mum suddenly bursting in. He was probably used to it as he never really turned on his alarm and depended on other people to wake him up. I, on the other hand, was not used to it at all -- my alarmclock was always on, and I was up before people could even think about walking into my room. That day, however, it hadn’t gone off at all.  
  
Anyway, that was just a small detail. My arm was still lying across Alex’s chest, and my head was resting comfortably against his shoulder. After the events that had happened the evening before, we had fallen asleep like this just enjoying each other’s presence and not saying a word -- bare in mind that it wasn’t that long until we both fell asleep. Still, you’re allowed to think of it as some beautiful romantic gesture.  
  
I pushed myself up and looked down at Alex’s sleepy face, giving him a small grin before leaning back down to give him a kiss to fully wake him up. I didn’t have much experience with kissing guys (having only kissed two guys), but I knew there were different types: people who were great kissers, and people who were great kissers while making it feel right as well. Alex was the latter. I didn’t know what came over me when he had suddenly kissed me, but I knew that it was the right thing, that I shouldn’t pull away. Sure, I freaked out a little when he started hovering over me, but I couldn’t do anything about that. I was just afraid. But when he let me climb on top of him instead, I knew this was better, this was what it was supposed to be like: comfortable and trusting.  
  
“G’morning.” Alex said in a raspy voice and he gave me a goofy grin, reaching up to move the hair acting like a curtain, behind my ear. Just the sight of him made me happy. Nothing about him was perfect, yet that just made him even better. His serious case of bedhead only made me laugh while his eyes were squinting from the bright light of my open curtains.  
  
But that was when I realised that what I had shrugged off as a small detail before, was actually something a lot more serious. Instead of going to kiss him again, which was my original plan, I shot upright and pulled the duvet off me, checking the bottom sheets for the possible disaster. Luckily, nothing had happened, but I knew it wasn’t over yet.  
  
“I need you to do something for me,” I looked at the guy I was sharing my bed with, “I need you to get me some clothes -- underwear and all -- give them to me, then leave my room and let me rush to the bathroom.”  
  
He raised one eyebrow at me, but sat up slowly nonetheless, “umm, ok? Why?”  
  
“Just please do it!” I begged him, already dreading what was to come. Not only hadn’t my alarm gone off in the morning, but it also didn’t go off during the night. But, Ash, why have an alarm on for sometime in the middle of the night? Well, I’d like to remind you that I was going through a medically induced abortion, meaning that what was going on was worse than what my period was normally like. It was not going to be pleasant. At least I hadn’t stained the bedding.  
  
After Alex had given me stuff to wear (he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted him to look through my underwear drawer, and he did his best not to look at all the options), he left my room to get changed in his own. When I heard his door close, I grabbed the pile of clothes and ran as quickly as I could, without slipping of course, to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. As soon as I went to the toilet, all hell broke loose, as you could probably imagine. There was nothing I could do and I gave up trying to clean up, deciding to just go straight into the shower instead.  
  
What didn’t help either was that Alex tried to come in while I was washing myself. I literally screamed at him to get out. It’s one thing to walk in on a girl in a shower, another thing to walk in on somebody having sex on the shower, but walking on in a girl while she’s on her period (or in this case practically having a miscarriage) was a completely different thing. Alex, of course freaked out a little, not understanding why I was suddenly shouting at him like that, but he still let me be. Everything would have been so much worse if he actually came in and got mad at me for yelling at him. I couldn’t even imagine the embarrassment I would feel then. This was already bad enough for me.  
  
I only apologized when we were in the car to school. The silence between us was getting was too awkward for me, and even though I wasn’t going to explain exactly what happened to him, I still told him it was because I felt uncomfortable with the whole thing going on -- not that it was acceptable for him to come in any other time while I was in the shower. Just because we shared a couple of kisses, did not mean I was suddenly ok with him seeing me naked.  
  
All I could say was that this car ride was so much different. Alex would occasionally rest his hand on my leg after switching gears, waiting until I would interlock my fingers with his. I wasn’t sure what we were, but I was happy and liked it for sure. It didn’t matter that it had only been just over a month since my last relationship had ended. I just knew that this was right.  
  
When we pulled up on the school parking lot, I stopped Alex before he could get out of the car. I just wanted to make sure of one thing, “hey, Alex? Can we not tell anybody about whatever is going on between us? It’s not because I want to hide it, I just first want us to figure it out before everybody else knows and starts assuming things.”  
  
Alex looked at me the entire time and nodded when I finished, holding my hand in a supportive way, “yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I also don’t want to rush you into anything you aren’t ready for yet.”  
  
“Thank you,” I blushed lightly already wanting to kiss him, but also knowing that too many people would be able to see.  
  
\----  
  
It was during lunchtime, when Alex and Jack were both walking with me, when I announced that I was going to go to the bathroom. If it were in any other circumstances, it would have been a normal thing and they would just have gone to the cafeteria themselves. But they both knew why I was going and insisted on waiting for me outside of the bathroom. Have you ever had two guys wait on you while going to the bathroom? Well, it’s definitely stressful. It was like the pressure was on; I couldn’t take too long, but I still needed to get done what I had to do.  
  
However, it would have been so much easier if I actually had the necessary items. You see, the shower I had to take caused me to be later than usual, meaning that I had to hurry. I totally forgot to bring extra pads along with me. Sure, I had my emergency tampons, but I couldn’t exactly use those in this situation. The doctor had explicitly stressed that I should not use them. So, here I was, sitting on the toilet, nowhere to go. Toilet paper wasn’t going to cut it out either.  
  
So, instead, I had to send Alex a pretty awkward text: Can you maybe send Harper or Lianne in?  
  
He replied in no time: Harper’s coming, is everything ok?  
  
Also not wanting to tell him about what happened this time either I just quickly answered: Yeah, no need to worry, nothing’s wrong.  
  
“Ash? Which stall are you in?” I heard Harper whisper-shout through the empty bathroom. Her footsteps echoed as she walked in further and the door closed behind her.  
  
“Here,” I mumbled and waited for her shoes to stop in front of where I was locked up. I didn’t want to be too loud just to make sure nobody heard what I was saying, “do you have any pads I could use?”  
  
“Umm,” she opened her schoolbag and started looking through it, “I have tampons, would that be ok?”  
  
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me and let out a small groan, “no, I have those, but my doctor told me not to use them yet.”  
  
My eyes went wide when I realised I mentioned my doctor, but I calmed down as soon as I realised Harper probably wouldn’t be able to figure out this was an abortion. She probably still thought it was just about the physical damage Luke had caused down there. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t like Harper knew that.  
  
“I’ll go to the school nurse. Wait here, don’t move,” she assured me, closing her bag again and picking it up.  
  
I snorted, “it’s not like I’m actually able to, but thanks for the warning.”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
  
I looked expectantly at Harper as she came out of the bathroom again, “is she ok?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, all good,” she patted my shoulder and gave me a forced smile, quickly pushing past me and Jack, “I’ll be right back.”  
  
As she started running through the corridor I turned to Jack to give him a curious and confused look. He raised his shoulders up at me and leaned against the lockers. I was just too afraid that something serious was going on and that Ash wasn’t telling us. She had been in the bathroom for quite some time already… or did girls always take this long when on their period? But then again, this wasn’t just a period. Maybe Ash was freaking out about something in there, and I didn’t know.  
  
“Fuck it,” I muttered and entered the bathroom, ignoring the weird looks I was getting from Jack. I didn’t understand how he was able to just stand there and not be worried at all. However, he did have an older sister, so he probably still knew somewhat of how girl normally dealt with their periods… Oh well, I was here now.  
  
“Ash? Is everything ok?” I asked, feeling kind of weird for standing in a place I could be suspended for.  
  
“Alex! What the fuck are you doing here!” she gasped as she heard my voice sound throughout the room, “you can’t be here! I’m fine. Just leave before somebody catches you in here.”  
  
“I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Harper just rushed off and didn’t say anything. For all I knew, you were dying in here.”  
  
“We’re all dying, Alex,” she chuckled, still being able to make a joke right now, “but, no, the process has not been sped up right now for me. Trust me, if something serious happened, you’d be the first to know.”  
  
The fact that she thought that made my heart flutter. She cared enough about me now to actually show that I was one of the most important people in her life right now. I knew I had to make her mine before I was too late again. I wasn’t going to let somebody take here away from me this time. All I had to do was ask her out. Sure, I still wasn’t going to force her into it, but I would beat myself up if I let her get away again.  
  
“This might be the wrong time,” I started, already knowing this really was the worst time to ask somebody out ever, “but--”  
  
Harper came back in, out of breath, holding something in her hand. Her eyebrows furrowed as she saw me standing there, talking to Ash. After shaking her head and flicking the side of mine, she handed whatever she had brought to the girl on the other side of the thin door. I was pulled tightly by my arm and dragged out of the bathroom as soon as that was over, giving Ash some privacy.  
  
“What the fuck were you doing in there?” Harper pinched the bridge of her nose in disbelief before turning to Jack, “and why didn’t you stop him!”  
  
Jack and I just looked at each other and shrugged.


	45. Things Are Getting A Little Heated In Here

**Ash’s POV**  
One day, just after the bell had finally rung after hours of school, Alex was giving me loving eyes from across the hallway. I had already managed to push my way through the crowd to my locker, while he was still trying his best to leave the classroom. It had been a week since we first kissed, and it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t the happiest I had been in quite some time. I wasn’t exactly sure what we were, but we would sneak into each other’s room every night to be with each other. It was like some serious Romeo and Juliet shit going on, just like the story I had told him ages ago. We never went any further than kissing, but boy was it a lot of kissing.  
  
Just imagine this. I would lie in my own bed waiting to hear Isobel and Peter go to sleep. They would always talk in bed, and I could hear their voices from my bedroom (not what they were saying, though). So after 20 minutes of silence, I would sneak out of my room, tiptoe over to Alex’s room, quickly slip in, and climb on top of him. It might sound quite weird, but we would just kiss each other until one of us fell asleep, which could either happen in no time, or it would take another hour or so. I know, it might seem a bit over the top, and you would expect that kissing him would lose it’s meaning, but my feelings only managed to grow more and more as we came into contact again.  
  
I just really hoped he felt the same way and wasn’t just using me.  
  
Before I could daydream any further, somebody walked into the locker right beside me. I saw Alex trying to catch his breath, muttering something about ‘those darn high school kids’. He sighed one last time before looking up at me. I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle, causing him break out into a large grin. God, as much as I never wanted to admit it before, that smile really was the death of me. It was just so perfect and made me want to kiss those lips of his again.  
  
But not now, not while we were around all these people we knew.  
  
Alex opened his locker, letting his one hand search for mine, intertwining our fingers loosely so it wouldn’t be noticed, “so, I was thinking, maybe we could go on a date right now?”  
  
“Right now?” I looked at him with wide eyes, shocked that he finally got the balls to ask me out. He sounded so confident, I never expected him to be like that. But I liked it, like he knew exactly how I was feeling about him at that moment. Of course I would have rather said yes straight away, but I was caught off guard. I just hoped he wasn’t going to think I didn’t want to.  
  
“Yeah, why not?” He shrugged like it was no big deal, but I could feel his hand starting to sweat and shake a little, “I was thinking we could just go to the diner we always used to go to. I’m actually offering to pay, I just had to wait until I got this month’s allowance.”  
  
“Really?” I raised an eyebrow at him, but I realised I was starting to make him really nervous, so I decided to stop joking around with him -- even though it wasn’t on purpose, “Was that really the only reason why it took so fucking long for you to finally ask me?”  
  
He calmed down immediately and let out a chuckle while putting his last book back onto the shelf. _“One_ of the reasons, but it doesn’t matter. I’m asking you now, right?”  
  
“OK, fine,” I shot him a quick smile before letting go of his hand to grab my jacket out of the back of my locker. Good thing I did, too.  
  
Before I could even realise, Jack and the other’s were standing close behind me. I jumped after I closed my locker and turned around. As much as I loved them, they really had to stop doing that. I know they didn’t mean it, but I still was so easily frightened by small things. They could tap me on the shoulder and I would already be too afraid to see who was waiting to speak to me. I couldn’t help it, and I just really wished I could; I didn’t want my friends thinking that I was afraid of them.  
  
“You guys going to hang out with us?” Jack asked with a big grin, luckily not having realised how I reacted to him. The one person I didn’t have to be afraid of, other than Alex, was Jack. I didn’t need to be afraid.  
  
I looked at Alex with wide eyes, not sure what I was supposed to say, “umm… I don’t--”  
  
“Ash said she had quite some catching up to do,” Alex interrupted before I made a complete fool out of myself and make our relationship -- or whatever it was -- known to all our friends, “so we’re probably just going to go straight home. But we have a whole week ahead of us where we will all be in New York, so I’m sure we’ll catch up.”  
  
“Oh, ok,” Jack was a little upset, but still managed to understand that I had a ‘good reason’ for it, “But you’re still coming to band practise tomorrow, right?”  
  
“Of course,” Alex assured his best friend before focusing his attention back on me, “Are you ready to go?”  
  
I nodded and said goodbye to the people I unfortunately had to ditch this one time. Well, it wasn’t just one time, obviously, since I hadn’t been up for it for quite sometime. I didn’t want them thinking I didn’t want to be around them anymore.  
  
But, now I was going on a date with Alex, and that was what I was going to focus on. I really liked him, so I really didn’t want to screw up what I possibly could have with him. The fact that he asked me out already meant a lot; that he wasn’t just doing this to kiss me. I was still going to make sure things weren’t going to go too fast. This was going to have to go at my speed, but something told me that Alex was thinking the same exact thing. In the week we had this thing going on, he never pressured me into doing anything, and he actually would sometimes ask my permission to kiss me before doing it. Now, that was what a boyfriend was supposed to be like.  
  
As soon as we got to the small diner downtown, we were seated at a booth. Instead of doing to classic thing where you sit across from each other, Alex made me sit next to him so he could wrap his arm around my shoulder. I never considered this as a possible way of sitting, but so far it seemed to work. It was a lot easier to kiss whenever you wanted to, talking to each other no longer meant shouting to hear, and we could both watch the door incase anybody walked in.  
  
This first date was a whole lot different from the one I had with Luke. Sure, the one we went on was pretty romantic and special (I should have known something was up. Of course he was expecting something back for doing something like that), but this was just a whole lot more comfortable. We were only high school kids, we didn’t need super fancy dates. This was perfect; something we were both able to afford, and a place we were both able to be ourselves. Nothing more was needed to show how much we liked each other.  
  
It was also completely different because this wasn’t a date where you still had to get to know each other. I already knew quite a lot about Alex, and he already knew a lot about me, so all the awkward conversations didn’t need to happen. We got to tell each other things that just made me laugh like never before. Alex told me this story about how he used to ride horses when he was younger, and I just couldn’t imagine this hot rockstar being one of those guys. But, hey, I used to dress up my brothers as princesses, so I wasn’t much better.  
  
Although we had already finished our food for quite some while, we still stayed seated, Alex’s arm loosely around me while I leant into his side. I turned around one last time, carefully placed my hand on his jaw, and let our lips meet in a soft kiss. He quickly kissed me back before I pulled away, and it seemed like it was a good decision not to make it last longer. When I looked back at the entrance, I saw Rian walk in, followed by Harper, Lianne, Jack, and Zack had joined them as well.  
  
Well, shit.  
  
They immediately saw us sitting and walked right up to us. This time it was Alex’s turn to start freaking out, not knowing what to say to our friends. There was a very high chance that this was going to out us, but I had a trick up my sleeve. Alex wasn’t the only one that could lie, I was pretty good at it too.  
  
“I thought you said you couldn’t do anything after school,” Jack sounded upset, looking between Alex and I with betrayal in his eyes. I knew exactly what this must look like, and, frankly, it really was.  
  
But, still, I decided to use the lie I had thought of before. So, I shrugged like whatever Alex and I were doing wasn’t a big deal, “Alex said he was hungry and suggested going to a drive through, but I thought it was pointless, because it would mean he’d want to stay in the parking lot to eat it. So why not go get actual good food while we’re at it? Plus, he’s paying, so I’m all cool with it.”  
  
“Oh,” Jack nodded, but glared at Alex nonetheless. He raised an eyebrow, clearing his throat and doing a small movement with his head. I had no clue what Jack was doing, but apparently Alex understood in one go. The arm that was once holding me close, was slowly taken away before the boy next to me shuffled awkwardly.  
  
Wait. Hang on a moment. Jack just basically told Alex to keep his hands off me. Why would he do that? Was he really that protective of me? Yeah, I know what happened and that Jack told me he was going to make sure nothing would happen to me again, but this was a step further. I trusted Alex, and Jack had to know that as well. Maybe he just wanted to make sure Alex didn’t have the wrong intentions. Whatever it was, I knew for sure that it wasn’t because he was jealous. Jack and I had told each other many times that that nothing was going on between us and that neither of us had feelings. Remember the accidental kiss? Well, we talked about it. I knew for sure that Jack wouldn’t just get feeling for me since then. That wasn’t how he worked.  
  
“Well, it’s been two hours since school ended, you could have asked us to join,” Rian added, taking no notice of the tension happening between the two best friends.  
  
“Two hours!” I exclaimed as if I was surprised by the amount of time that had elapsed (I actually knew exactly how long Alex and I had been there), “well, shit. I’ve got work to do!”  
  
“Umm, then we should, umm, go,” Alex suggested as we both got out of the booth. Jack gave him one last warning look before we both quickly left the diner. That was very _very_ close.  
  
\----  
  
Nobody was home when Alex and I arrived. We took this to our advantage and didn’t need to hide our relationship. After going separate ways to get changed into lounge clothes -- we coordinated accidentally, I wore light pants and a dark t-shirt, while Alex wore dark pants and a light t-shirt -- we quickly disappeared downstairs in the basement to continue our date. Well, if you could consider playing video games a date, then this definitely was one.  
  
Instead of sitting on the old ratty couch, we were sitting on the cold hard floor, just off the carpet. Alex was leaning against the sofa while I was sitting in between his legs, my back pressed up against his chest. We were both holding the same controller, Alex’s hands over my own as he helped me press the right buttons and move around the character on screen. It was some shooters game, and I had no idea what the goal was, but it was fun having Alex teach me something he was quite passionate about. If only it was something that would actually be useful for me later on… Ok, ok, I’m only kidding. Maybe I would be able to beat the guys at this game if I continued to play.  
  
“As soon as that guy is past us, we’re going to go to in building right in front of us and hide behind that wall,” Alex mumbled, thinking out loud while also telling me what his plan was. He moved my thumb forward on the joystick, causing our character to run right where Alex meant it to go. As soon as we were at the wall, I hit the button to hide and crouch so other people wouldn’t be able to see us, Alex didn’t even have to help me.  
  
“I knew which button it was!” I exclaimed happily, proud of myself being able to understand what to do. Although I didn’t know the goal and purpose of the game, at least I was doing something right.  
  
Alex kissed my cheek as a reward, “ok, I think it’s time for you to have your own console.”  
  
“No, I’m not that good yet,” I whined in protest. It wasn’t only because I believed that though. The main reason why I liked doing this was because of the contact I was able to have with Alex. While the whole room was dark and quiet, the TV being the only light source, I felt safe in Alex’s arms. And the fact that he was guiding my hands just took it a whole step further. To be honest, I really liked it.  
  
“You’ll be fine!” He chuckled and reached up to grab another controller, letting me use the one from before.  
  
And, just as expected, I was doing terrible. I had no idea what I was doing and only knew how to run around or hide. In the time that Alex had been shot once, I had already revived at least 15 times. I really was trying, but I had no clue how Alex knew exactly what he was doing. He didn’t even have to think about which combination of buttons he had to press for specific things, while I had to keep reminding myself what button meant I jumped.  
  
“I’m so bad at this,” I pouted, ready to give up. This wasn’t about the game for me, it was only about being around Alex. Slowly but surely all his attention went to the game, and he started to forget that I was even here.  
  
“Oh, come on, you’re doing great!” Alex told me, not taking his eyes off the TV screen once, “Tell you what, if you manage to shoot one person, I’ll ask you to be my girlfriend.”  
  
“Fine, then,” I grumbled and tossed the controller onto the couch. Alex didn’t even seem to take notice that I wasn’t playing anymore.  
  
I sighed and turned around so I was now on my stomach, our chests pressed up against each other. Alex’s knees were up, causing our hips to be aligned, but he still didn’t seem to be more interested in me. Now, I don’t know what made me do it, but after I had loosely wrapped my arms around his neck, I started slowly kissing the skin that I was able to reach. It definitely caught Alex’s attention, though. He let out a small surprised groan, moving his head aside to give me more access. I started trailing my kisses up closer to his ear, taking my time to tease him.  
  
It was the same way I had managed to get Luke to focus completely on me, but this felt completely different. There was no alcohol involved to make my brain think that everything I was doing was ok, no matter the consequences. Back then, I didn’t care about what it would lead to, and if it was any good. This time, I made sure to carefully place all my kisses in the right way, making conscious decisions about what I was and wasn’t going to do. Another big factor was that I knew this wouldn’t lead to Alex and I having sex. I wasn’t out for that this time, and he knew that.  
  
“This is also a very good way of persuading me,” he breathed out shakily, trying to suppress all the sexual thoughts going through his mind, “maybe I’ll just ask you… Will you be my girlfriend?”  
  
I didn’t reply for a while, instead brushing my lips up against his jawline, occasionally allowing full contact. Just before I reached his lips, I broke away and whispered, “yes.”  
  
As soon as I grazed my lips on his, he pulled me closer to close the small space between us. His controller was dropped on the floor, his hand going for my waist instead. I caressed his cheeks to allow myself to balance my weight better, but also to add a loving touch. Alex’s heart was beating fast against me, reminding me that I wasn’t the only one enjoying this and slightly freaking out about all of this actually happening. This kiss had been much deeper and heartfelt than any of our other ones. Just as Alex’s hands started to trail down towards my ass, the door opened without us knowing.  
  
“Hey, guys, we’re back--” Peter was standing in the hallway, looking at us with wide eyes, frozen and not sure what he had just witnessed. When he finally blinked again, he turned to look upstairs, _“Isobel!”_  
  
I tried to scramble away from Alex while I still could, but, just like his dad, he was not able to move. With his limbs not moving by themselves, I wasn’t able to back away before Isobel came downstairs in confusion. She was able to see the whole crime scene in it's full glory.  
  
Only minutes after that, Alex and I were both sitting next to each other at the kitchen table, his mother sitting across from us. She had just come back from whispering with her husband, talking about what was going to have to happen between Alex and I. He was standing a couple of feet away, watching what was going to go down, ready to jump in if needed. I never felt more under pressure than I did then.  
  
“Ok, so,” Isobel took a deep breath, giving us both intimidating looks, “this is definitely a shocker. I should have known there was a possibility of this happening, I didn’t think it ever would have, though. You know, Alex, when I said you’d figure out why you kept saying mean things to her in the beginning, I didn’t mean or think you’d actually develop feelings for her. Wait… you guys do have feeling for each other, right? Or was this just a one time thing, because that will change how this conversation will continue.”  
  
I looked at Alex out of the corner of my eye to see his response. We both stayed still for a while, but soon enough he started nodding slowly, not daring to look at his mother. I didn’t move for even longer, staying motionless even after Alex had finished. I grabbed his hand underneath the table and gave it a small squeeze before briefly nodding as well, not daring to see Isobel either.  
  
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, can I?” Isobel continued letting out a chuckle, “Umm, Peter and I have talked about it and came to some conclusions. We’re not going to make you break apart, because that’s unreasonable, but there’s going to have be rules. We both agree that you’ve been spending too much time in each other’s beds. How long has this been going on for already, actually?”  
  
“One week,” Alex mumbled, feeling ashamed even though he didn’t have to be. But, to be honest, I also felt very embarrassed being in this situation.  
  
“Ok, that’s not that long, but it still applies. I was ok with it before, but I want things to change. I know you guys do it whenever one of you doesn’t feel alright, but I feel like you’ve been taking advantage of us being so easy with it. You can still go to each other if you really need it, but otherwise don’t do it. So, you guys can share a bed without reason once a week, but no more.”  
  
“Mom!” Alex complained, finally making eye contact with the person disciplining us, “But--”  
  
“Alex, shut up,” I interrupted before his mother could take away what she had offered us, “there are many parents that would have sent me out of the house to go live somewhere else, or they could have even forced us to break up. Be happy with this. Seriously, this isn’t half that bad.”  
  
He stopped immediately and didn’t say another word. Isobel gave me a smile, “thank you, Ash. Just, follow those rules and everything will be fine. Of course, I also won’t tolerate any sex in this house.”  
  
“We never agreed to that,” Peter broke in, taking a couple of steps towards us, “let them be teenagers. As long as they’re being safe, then I’m fine with it.”  
  
Oh my god. Was this really happening right now? Was this really turning into the sex talk? Of course I liked the fact that they dealt with this as if I wasn’t some fucked up girl, and that they did it like how they would have done with anyone, but it was still very very awkward. Even Alex gave me a quick look, begging for them not to start with it. But of course, parents being parents, they weren’t just going to leave it at that.  
  
 _“As long as you’re being safe,”_ Isobel stressed, changing her mind, “which means you guys need to take precautions if you’re thinking of going there. So, make sure you are prepared before and have condoms. We don’t need any mistakes happening.”  
  
 _Yeah, like the one still going on with me. Definitely didn’t want that happening again, thanks for the reminder._  
  
“If you ever find yourself in the situation where you don’t have them, you have to stop. Don’t think that it won’t happen to you, because there is still a large chance of it happening. Always use condoms. If you don’t know how to use them, I’m prepared to show you anytime, don’t be embarrassed. Just _please_ make sure you’re safe. So, before you think of having sex, whether it be with each other or somebody else, please come to us so we can help you make sure you have all the necessary protection.”  
  
“A bit late for that,” Alex muttered under his breath, only me being the one close enough to hear him.  
  
Isobel looked at him with a raised brow, “I’m sorry, what was that?”  
  
He shook his head, “nothing, don’t worry.”  
  
I couldn’t help snorting as I tried to hold in my laughter. Isobel now looked at me to see if she could get an answer from me instead. I tried to stay composed, but the devilish smile kept returning, so I gave up and hid my face by placing my head against the table. Alex still managed to make jokes in the awkwardest of situations, this definitely being the worst.  
  
After my laughter had died down a bit, I sat back up straight, but couldn’t help the laughter that came out as I said what I said next. “I’m sorry, Isobel, but your son, Alex, here, hasn’t been a virgin for quite a long time.”  
  
He tightly squeezed my hand in annoyance, not wanting me to have told his parents that. Isobel’s eyes went wide with shock at my comment, “Alex! How come you never told us!”  
  
“I never thought it was necessary!” He argued, already getting ready to plan his revenge on me, “I know what to do. I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant!”  
  
“Peter, did you know about this?”  
  
“I had my suspicions, but I wasn’t going to stop you from humiliating these kids,” Alex’s dad laughed.


	46. The Start of an Eventful School Trip Pt.1

**Alex’s POV  
** I actually set an alarm for once. At ten to six, I was going to wake up, get ready, and be on my way to school. Of course it wasn’t just any day ever. It was the day we were going to go to New York. I sure as hell didn’t care that we were going to be stuck on a bus for over four hours. New York was a pretty big fucking deal, and I was completely prepared for the city trip. Sure, we were there for school, but we still had free time as well. I couldn’t wait to stroll around with my friends and find some cute spots with Ash. It was just going to be absolutely amazing.  
  
I was already awake before my alarm went off. Turning it off in no time, I jumped out of bed and opened my curtains. It was still completely dark, but it didn’t ruin my mood one bit. Sure, it would have been nicer if the school let us go on the trip in spring or during the summer, but we were still going to _New fucking York!_ I had been there a couple of times already with family, but going with friends just made it a whole lot better.  
  
Rushing out of my room, I entered Ash’s room and jumped right on top of her sleeping figure. She let out a groan and tried to angrily push me off, but I kissed her cheek instead. I couldn’t be the only one excited right now, could I? So, I got off, ripped the covers off her, and picked her up in both my arms. She was still practically asleep, but I still brought her to the bathroom so she could take a shower. I carefully put her down, but my finger accidentally hooked in the waistband of her pajama shorts, causing me to snap it as I fully let go of her.  
  
That definitely seemed to wake her up. She pushed me away as hard as she could, making me slam into a wall before glaring right at me. There was an emotion I could not recognize behind her eyes, but I didn’t even have time to figure out what it could possibly be before she slapped me right across the face. My eyes went wide as I reached my own hand up to touch my burning skin. There was no time for me to apologize to Ash before she ran out, slamming her bedroom door behind her. I stood there in shock, trying to process what had just happened.  
  
My mom came stomping out of her bathroom looking like she was ready to get mad… really mad. I slowly emerged from the bathroom, still holding my cheek, afraid of what was to come. There was no way I could deny that this was my fault. I was just so ecstatic to be going to New York today, I forgot that some people might not be as hyper as I was.  
  
“What is going on here?” Mom growled, ready to kill me if necessary. Seriously, if looks could kill! I wouldn’t be surprised if I was going to get grounded for life as soon as I got back from this trip.  
  
I gave her a sad look, feeling horrible for being the reason why my girlfriend was freaking out. I wasn’t trying to get out of it, because I really deserved a punishment, but I still talked back, “I- I didn’t mean to. It accidentally happened. She lost it, and ran away. It all just happened so fast.”  
  
She seemed to calm down a bit, and disappointment quickly took over, “Alex, you’ve got to be careful with her. We don’t know exactly what happened, anything can remind her of it. Don’t think you can do anything just because of what’s going on between you guys.”  
  
“I am careful, mom!” I argued, not understanding why she would believe I would intentionally do something like this to Ash, “it was an accident. I didn’t even know I was doing it! I was doing something completely harmless!”  
  
“Ok, well what did you ‘accidentally’ do?”  
  
“I, umm, I…”  
  
She crossed her arms, still not believing me. “If it was an accident, like you’re telling me, you shouldn’t be having a problem telling me what it is.”  
  
I sighed, knowing I was going to have to tell her no matter how embarrassing this was for me. “I was holding her. When I put her down, I got caught on her pants. The fabric snapped against her skin and she freaked out. Of course I didn’t mean for that to happen on purpose.”  
  
“Ok, I can life with that answer. Now, go apologize to her, or would you rather have me go check how she’s doing?”  
  
“No, I’ll go.”  
  
I carefully knocked on her door before opening it. Ash was puttin some last minute stuff into her suitcase, sniffing as she stood back upright. As she stood back upright, I walked in, ready to apologize for what had happened so far. A tear dropped from her cheek and fell onto the neatly folded up clothes, and I felt horrible. I shouldn’t even have woken her up the way I had. That was already mistake number one.  
  
“I’m fine, you can leave,” she muttered, drying another tear that had escaped from her tear ducts.  
  
“No, it’s not fine,” I shook my head and walked up to her, “what I did is completely messed up. All of it. First of all, I shouldn’t have jumped on you like I did. Not only is that really stupid, I also know you’re still having cramps so I shouldn’t be the one to make that worse. Then, I should not just take you out of your bed like that, because nobody likes being ripped away from their bed.” Ash turned around to look at the pictures she had standing on her desk, causing her back to face me, but I still knew she was listening. “And then the last thing was completely horrible. It’s the worst thing I did. I just want you to know I didn’t do it on purpose, but I’m still very sorry.”  
  
After staring at one specific picture for longer, she turned back towards me and ran into my arms, her body shaking with small quiet sobs. I knew that this was about more that what had gone down just minutes before. This was worse than just the flashback she had. I held her tightly, slowly sitting down on her bed, bringing her with me. She immediately curled up on my lap, resting her head against my chest. My fingers ran smoothly through her hair as I occasionally kissed the top of her head, trying to get her to calm down.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, hoping to god that I could help her out. It was absolutely heartbreaking seeing her in this state.  
  
“I-I just w-want her here!” She hiccupped, clutching onto me tighter.  
  
I didn’t understand what she meant at first, but when I squinted my eyes to be able to see the photos more clearly, it all made sense. Right next to a picture of her with her brothers, was one of her as a child laughing with her mom. All Ash wanted was her mom to be here for her, but she wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do. As much as I loved to be able to say ‘Hey, you can always just call her’, it wasn’t an option. Ash didn’t have a mother figure in her life. All she had were her brothers and her dad. The one thing a girl really needed in this situation wasn’t available.  
  
“I don’t mind sharing my mom with you,” I told her, hoping it would make up for it just a bit, “and I’m pretty sure Jack doesn’t either. You can also always talk to me and Jack. Maybe we don’t know much about girls, but I’ll be happy to google stuff for you.”  
  
She let out a small giggle, still burying her face in my shirt. I smiled lightly, being happy to hear her laugh even though it was only very short and quiet. Her laugh was the cutest thing ever and I couldn’t help but love that about her. To be honest, I loved everything about this girl, no matter how screwed up some things were. I wasn’t in love with her yet, but I could feel it could happen very soon. How was it possible not to?  
  
“We should start getting ready if we want to make it to school on time,” I lifted her chin up to look at me before carefully kissing her, not trying to fuck up another time.  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV**  
  
I stood right in front of Alex, my back nearly touching his chest, as we waited for the whole class to collect on the school grounds. Rian was already here, standing right next to us, also waiting patiently. The only problem was, he was the only other person here from our group. In two minutes everybody was supposed to be here, ready to go. But there were obviously three people missing… the only three people missing. Why was it always people I knew who would cause a scene?  
  
“I’m starting to believe it’s just going to be us three,” Alex sighed, leaning forward to rest his chin on top of my head, but not daring to wrap his arms around me, “They might show up, but they will probably way too late. Knowing Jack, he’ll be here just as the bus leaves.”  
  
“The only reason why were are on time is because you were too excited and made us skip breakfast,” I chuckled at him being a hypocrite. He was always the only to be late to important things, so he couldn’t act like Jack was the dumbest person around. “You forced me to eat cereal right out of the box in the back of your mom’s car.”  
  
“That’s not the point!”  
  
“I really hope they show up, because I will not be enduring you guys teasing each other the entire week,” Rian groaned and rolled his eyes at us, but couldn’t help and smile a little.  
  
“Oh, look who’s teasing now!” I called him out.  
  
Before he could argue and defend himself, there was a high-pitched scream and loud footsteps. Everybody turned around to see what was going on, only to be met with the sight of the one and only Jack Barakat with a duffel bag hanging from his neck, pulling two girls behind him. Harper and Lianne were trying their best to keep up with him while also dragging along a suitcase each. It was truly a magnificent sight.  
  
“My mom freaked out a little when she found out it was just two girls staying over and nobody else,” Jack tried explaining himself, panting as he tried to catch his breath. He was one of the most hyper people I knew, but also one of the people who just couldn’t do anything without it causing him to be out of breath.  
  
“Can’t be worse than when my parents found out about us,” Alex muttered in my ear so only I could hear him.  
  
I burst out laughing, making everybody give me weird looks. Ever since it happened, Alex and I kept making subtle jokes about it. Whenever he had the chance, he would make a stupid remark about it, reminding me of the embarrassment we shared at the time. Looking back at it now, it was just absolutely hilarious. Especially when Alex’s mom didn’t even know about her own son being sexually active. Of course her telling us we had to use condoms was also easy to laugh about. It was definitely going be something to make inside jokes about forever.  
  
“I’m sorry, but it is very suspicious, especially when it’s you, Jack,” I shook my head at him, trying to make it seem like I was laughing about what he said.  
  
“She was ok with you staying for a couple of weeks,” he shrugged, like it would prove why he thought it would be fine to have Lianne and Harper over.  
  
I tapped his temple. “You’ve got the wrong logic going on in there, buddy.”  
  
When we got on the bus, which was luckily not a school bus, but a coach, Alex was quick to take the seat next to me. He beat Jack to the race by just a second, nearly crushing me when he jumped the last couple of feet. I, of course was happy to have Alex sitting next to me, even though I acted like I was in agony for not being with Jack. But, come on, who wouldn’t be happy being able to sit with their boyfriend on a long terrible bus journey? I knew for a fact that he wouldn’t care if I fell asleep on him. It wasn’t like Jack wouldn’t be fine with it, but it just wasn’t as comfortable.  
  
So, as soon as the vehicle started moving, I rested my head against Alex’s shoulder, trying to catch up on the ten minutes of sleep he had deprived me of. It didn’t seem like much, but it was a reason for me to sit as closely to him as possible without getting weird looks from other people. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they thought I was either together with Jack or Alex. Nothing was official to them, but I knew only one of them was true. Thinking about my relationship with Alex, I managed to fall asleep in no time.  
  
When I woke up, I found myself lying with my head on Alex’s hoodie, which he had put on his lap as a pillow. That wasn’t what caused me to stir, though. There was some other commotion going on, starting with, “Yo, Alex, how’s the slut doing over there?”  
  
I could immediately recognize the voice coming from the back of the bus as the one belonging to Stewart. Ugh. I had been ignoring him the entire time, acting like I didn’t hear the stupid insults he was throwing at me behind my back, but it was pretty obvious I couldn’t just act like I didn’t even notice this one.  
  
“Don’t. Call. Her. _That!”_ Alex growled, not realising I had woken up, trying to glare at the bully without moving me.  
  
“How do I know she’s not sucking you off right now? She’s obviously not sitting upright.”  
  
“Dude, seriously--” Alex continued wanting to defend me, but I held one of his hands, causing him to quickly look down at me. I softly shook my head, telling him not to go any further. It wasn’t worth getting himself in deep trouble. Instead, I took over and raised my middle finger up so it could be seen over the headrests of the chairs.  
  
“Oh my god! She’s noticed me!” Stewart gasped as sarcastically as he could possibly do.  
  
I rolled my eyes, and pulled myself up to stare right at him. _“Does it look like I give a fuck?_ If I would have cared about what you have to say about me, you would have realised ages ago. You see, nobody here cares what you have to say. Sure, if nobody would have known what happened, then there might have been a small possibility of them believing you. I don’t get the correlation between me being raped and me being a slut. How does being forced into a car and given a concussion only to be brought to some weirdass creepy motel make _me_ a slut? I’m sorry, but it makes no sense to me. Now, if you have a good reason for calling me that, please tell me, because I would love to know.”  
  
Stewart remained completely silent, not having expected such a blunt reaction from me. I just smiled as politely as I could. “Thank you. I already thought so.”


	47. The Start of an Eventful School Trip Pt.2

**Ash’s POV**  
Fortunately for me, the busride did not take much longer after my ‘outburst’, meaning that I didn’t have to sit in the awkward silence that was trying it’s best to suffocate me. I had just confirmed everybody’s rumours just to get one kid to shut up. _Was it really worth it?_ Now everybody knew for sure, which was both a pro and a con. There was no uncertainty anymore, letting everybody know I was screwed up, but now people also couldn’t make up stuff about me anymore. I wasn’t so sure what I preferred, though: people thinking they knew what was going on, but leaving me alone; or everybody knowing what I wanted to hide forever.  
  
I just didn’t know.  
  
Hopefully it wasn’t going to ruin this entire trip for me. I was already not looking forward to it, but now I also had to deal with all this.  
  
We were all standing in the lobby of some motel-like building, waiting to be assigned our rooms. Suitcases were littering the floor, while kids were talking and others were misbehaving. I just wanted to find out who I was sharing a room with, put my stuff in it, get on with the day, and go right back to bed. So, yes, I was basically hiding. It wasn’t like I couldn’t feel all the stares I didn’t see. Seriously, everybody already knew, but it was like they had gotten a whole new reason to give me looks and whisper about me.  
  
“Ok, guys!” The teacher came back to our large group having gotten the keys to the rooms, “There are two people to a room. Girls with girls, please, and boys with boys. You guys get to choose who you’re bunking with.”  
  
Everybody quickly glanced at their best friends, grabbing each other in excitement. It wasn’t everyday that we got to choose who to work with, let alone who we got to share a room with for a week. Groups were being made very quickly, chaos being caused by people running to the other side of the room. However, I had a little problem. Right in front of me, Harper and Lianne reached out for each other as quickly as possible, claiming each other as the person they wanted to be stuck with for the next couple of nights. All around me, people were already paired up. I couldn’t find another soul to possibly share a room with; everybody already had a friend.  
  
But then I saw Alex was having the same exact problem. Rian and Jack had paired up, leaving Alex to fend for himself. Normally everybody would jump to the chance to hang out with him, but he was standing in the back somewhere, where nobody could really see him. Just like I was, he looked around the room to see if he could find anybody. I sighed and picked up my bag before walking up to him. We made eye contact and his small frown immediately turned into a sneaky grin.  
  
“So, who are you stuck with?” He asked me as soon as I was stood next to him, watching the crowd in front of us chat away happily.  
  
“I’m just like you,” I shrugged and rested my head against his shoulder, “a lone wolf.”  
  
“If only we could share a room,” he whispered into my ear, secretly kissing the top of my head, hoping nobody saw the innocent PDA.  
  
I really wouldn’t have minded sharing a room with him, to be honest. It had only been a couple of days since his mother made all those rules for us, but that didn’t mean I didn’t already miss being able to cuddle up next to him every night. We had been sleeping in separate beds, in separate rooms, every single night since we had been caught. Sure, it did mean that neither of us had been having problems, which was a good thing, but still. Alex had already been trying to convince me to cheat the system and just have one of us occasionally fake that something was wrong, but I still was too much of a goody-two-shoes. I wasn’t going to break the rules.  
  
“Mr. Gaskarth, Ms. Collins, I said no boys and girls together,” the teacher was suddenly stood in front of us with a list of names, looking at us disapprovingly. He was writing down who was staying with whom and which room they had, but seeing us together now meant things weren’t going to be as easy as he hoped.  
  
I shook my head and took a small step away from Alex, “I wasn’t planning on it, but I wasn’t able to find anybody. I saw Alex was alone as well, so I decided to go up to him, so you could deal with both of us and figure out what you want to do.”  
  
“Oh, ok, well, if you say there aren’t any other people… Maybe I can switch some people around…” he thought out loud and started looked at all of my classmates.  
  
Jack immediately raised his hand enthusiastically and didn’t even wait for the teacher to call his name before he started talking, making Alex glare at him for what he said first, “I would be happy to switch with Alex. However, I don’t know how that would help… whatever you do will make a girl and guy have to share a room. I think you can trust Alex and Ash to do that, though. They already live together and nothing’s ever happened. You can trust that nothing will happen now either.”  
  
Oh, how that poor boy was wrong. He didn’t know a thing, and thought he was only telling the truth. Little did he know, though, that it was completely the opposite. He was helping our case however… From one perspective, he was so overprotective of me, but from the other, he was also trying to convince the teacher to allow me to stay with another guy. It might have been different if it wasn’t Alex, but I was still confused. Just a couple of days before, he had been telling Alex to keep his hands off me. Jack was just a confusing guy, though.  
  
“Ok, but if I anything does happen, I will be making you both stay with me or one of the other teachers,” our geography teacher handed us a key, wrote down our names, and went up to Rian and Jack next.  
  
“Fuck yeah!” Alex exclaimed, but not loud enough for the teacher to hear. He grabbed my hand as soon as I had picked up my suitcase, and started dragging me in the direction of where our room was supposed to be. I quickly looked back at Jack who gave me a weary look, but I just gave him a big smile back and a small nod. Everything was ok.  
  
Our room, just like all of the others, consisted of two queen sized beds, a small bathroom, a desk with desk chair, and a TV. Pretty impressive for a school trip, if you ask me. We both found a spot to keep our suitcases before Alex jumped onto one of the beds, lying down on his back. I Immediately decided to follow, and fell right on top of him. After groaning out in pain, he wrapped his arms around my body to keep me from sliding off.  
  
“We finally get to share a bed again!” He chuckled in relief, pressing me even closer to him.  
  
“Oh, so you’re trying to say that we are sharing a bed?” I teased, lifting myself off him a bit by propping myself up on my elbows, “There are two beds here.”  
  
“Ah, no, sorry, that’s just a make-believe bed. It’s not actually there.”  
  
I couldn’t help but grin at his comment as I went to kiss him in the safety of our room.  
  
\----  
  
The first day in New York wasn’t that exciting for me. We all went to a museum because the trip had to be educational, but I was very tired. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, I occasionally felt dizzy, and I was have exceptionally bad cramps. But I just had to keep smiling like nothing was wrong. It would only make Jack and Alex worried, and give something else for everybody to talk about. People often didn’t feel well, I didn’t have to make it seem like my case was an different.  
  
However, when the entire class decided to have a small ‘party’ at the recreation room they had at this place, I still went. I had to start putting myself out there more, to make myself better. Or at least make it seem like I was doing much better. As hard as it was to forget about what had happened, I felt like I really had to. I had my whole life planned, I wasn’t going to let somebody like Luke get between that. My grades weren’t doing too good, and I really couldn’t afford that. Slowly but surely I was already starting to forget him, but now I really had to make the last couple of steps. Of course starting a new relationship was something I would have expected to come last, but that didn’t happen. I was just going to have to do it my own way.  
  
The party wasn’t exactly one, it was more like a hang out. Of course there wasn’t any alcohol, so nobody was acting weird, and the teachers were close by at the very beginning. Things were very calm and moderated. Eventually, though, the teachers left and some kids who were way too tired started making their way back to their hotel rooms. There was still a handful of us left; around 20. We were all sitting in a circle, playing truth or dare (I know, such a childish game). Jack was to my left, and Alex had squeezed in to sit to my right. But, hey, I didn’t mind. Many of the dares we got were with the people next to us. We had all written a couple on pieces of paper before putting them in a cup. That way we wouldn’t have any people be blamed for making some really shitty ones.  
  
Since I had already spilled my guts once today, I decided to go for a dare. Maybe it would also help me break out of my shell a little bit. It wasn’t like they were freakishly sexual, since we didn’t want the teachers walking in on us doing something. This literally was the childish version of the game, which required people to run around without a shirt on or something. You know, the version played when you’re still 12 and think it’s all so funny and risky.  
  
But my dare was a little different than all those other ones:  
 _Make out with the person on your left.  
_  
My eyes went wide. The piece of paper wanted me to kiss Jack, my boyfriend’s best friend, right in front of his eyes! Oh my god. No, I couldn’t do this. But Alex probably knew nothing would ever happen between Jack and I, right? He wouldn’t get jealous about that. And Jack didn’t have feelings for me, so it didn’t matter, right? Nothing to worry about. I ‘kissed’ him before, so it wasn’t a problem. And I wasn’t exactly too scared to do it, because, come on, it was Jack.  
  
“What does it say?” Harper urged with a giggle, always being the one who really loved these games.  
  
“Umm, make out with the person on your left,” I mumbled with a frown. Her giggle immediately stopped, and Alex stiffed up at my words. He knew that I was being asked to kiss someone who wasn’t him, while Harper was too afraid to see what it would possibly do to me.  
  
It took a while for Jack to figure out that this was about him, but he also froze up when he finally realised. The whole mood of the entire group had changed. Everybody was quiet, expecting me to react badly. They all thought I was too damaged to do it. But I was thinking differently.  
  
I turned to Jack and smiled, running through my reasoning again, before starting to climb into his lap. “Come on, buddy, let’s do this.”  
  
“What?” He questioned, looking around the circle before his eyes rested on me again, “Umm… ok…?”  
  
I gave him one last preppy smile before cupping both his cheeks and making our lips meet. Jack wasn’t sure what to do at first and just sat there as I went straight to kissing him. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but soon gave into it, allowing me to lead. As I deepened it, his hands left their awkward position on the floor, and went to my hips instead. It was a whole lot different from kissing Alex. Sure, Jack was a good kisser, but their wasn’t any meaning behind the action. The way his hair tickled my forehead, and his touch did not make me feel butterflies, nor were there any tingles. My heart stayed calm and wasn’t beating like crazy. While I still like it, it didn’t make me feel anything.  
  
Alex refused to look in my direction when I got off of Jack and sat back down on the floor instead. He stayed for one more dare, before standing up and leaving. I knew it was about me kissing Jack, but he was trying to make it seem like it wasn’t that by not running away as soon as it happened. Nobody really looked up as it happened, but I followed him immediately by using the excuse that he had the key and that I had no idea where our room was. Everybody bought it, and I ran to catch up with him.  
  
“Alex, is everything ok?” I asked as I finally saw him already at the door, unlocking it with the key.  
  
He nodded, opening the door a bit to hard, making it hit the wall and bounce back, but not with too much force. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”  
  
“Alex…” I sighed, walking in as well, making sure the door was closed behind me so nobody could walk in on us, “I know you’re not fine and I know it’s about me kissing Jack. I’m not even going to act like I don’t know it’s that.”  
  
“Well, yeah, I don’t exactly like seeing you kiss somebody else. I mean, you probably wouldn’t like me kissing another girl.” He turned around to look at me, leaning against the desk.  
  
“Of course I wouldn’t. I completely understand, but it’s Jack! Jack’s Jack. It should be self explanatory. He’s your best friend, he’s one of my best friends. It was a dare. Seriously, I don’t think I’ll ever see him than more than that. I thought you knew that, otherwise I would have never done it.”  
  
“I just don’t want you kissing other guys, you’re _my_ girlfriend.”  
  
“Don’t say that,” I deadpanned, not moving an inch.  
  
Alex stared at me, not understanding where I was coming from. “What?”  
  
“Don’t you dare say that!”  
  
“What? That you’re my girlfriend and that I don’t want you--”  
  
“Don’t you fucking dare say that! Luke _always_ said that! He would always go on about the things I couldn’t do because I was his girlfriend. Don’t you dare go down that line! _Don’t. You. Dare.”  
_  
He started tearing up, trying to hide it by wiping his eyes before the tears would fall. “You see, this is why you should be together with Jack. I always screw up. Jack’s been perfect to you. He just does the right things without even trying. It’s much better if you’re with someone like him. I don’t know what you’re doing with me when you can easily be with him.”  
  
“But I don’t want to be with him. Haven’t I already made it clear that I really don’t have any feelings for him. That kiss was just a kiss, nothing else. When you kissed me, I actually decided to kiss you back for a reason, you know. The one with Jack didn’t make me feel anything. I promise you. Seriously, I would be very upset if we broke up now, after being together for only two weeks. ”  
  
“Really?”  
  
I took a deep breath. “Yeah.”  
  
Before I knew what was going on, Alex rushed over and surprised me by going straight for a kiss. He had one hand behind my head to start it off. Like he was trying to show me that he was better than Jack, he quickly deepened the kiss, making it more hungry and desperate. I didn’t hesitate to keep up with the pace, loving the feeling he always made rush through me; the feeling that I didn’t get with Jack. Alex’s long hair was sending electricity through the skin it was grazing, his lips warm and welcoming, the touch of his hand comforting me while also giving me a strong sense of desire. It was perfect to me.  
  
When Alex pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine to catch his breath. “I love you.”  
  
My eyes went wide, my heart beat even faster. I slowly pulled away even further, searching his face for any explanation. But there was none. I didn’t know what to do.  
  
Before the silence got any longer, there was a knock on the door and Jack calling out my name. I finally took a completely step away from Alex, still looking at him with a shocked expression. “I, umm, yeah…”  
  
And that was when I left Alex alone in the room and went out to see Jack instead. I did not know what had just happened, but I really needed some time to think about it, I just didn’t know when I’d get that time.  
  
Jack greeted me as I came out of the room, but immediately noticed something was off about me. After I shook it off, he decided to leave it be, but I couldn’t take my mind off what Alex had said. I didn’t know if he meant it or if it was just impulsive. We had only been together for two weeks, so I did not understand how he could possibly feel that way so soon. I just didn’t know.  
  
“So, what do you want to talk about?” I asked Jack as I took him down the hallway a bit.  
  
“Umm… just about what happened before. I just want to clear some stuff up,” he told me with an insightful look and a nod.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“So, umm… do you have any… umm… feelings for me?”  
  
Was this really happening right now? First Alex and now Jack? I didn’t need this much on my mind! I just really hoped this wasn’t going to go into the direction I really hoped it wouldn’t. There was no way I would be able to explain that to Alex after my whole ‘speech’ back in the room.  
  
I shook my head and gave him a small sympathetic smile just in case. “No… I’m sorry if that hurts you or anything.”  
  
“No, it doesn’t, don’t worry,” he grinned back, “It’s just, you didn’t even hesitate. I didn’t think much of it, but Rian started over analyzing things and talked me into it. I just wanted to make sure, because I honestly I also only think of you as a friend. I actually have an eye on someone else.”  
  
“Oh my god, really? No way!” I exclaimed and laughed a little at Jack’s blushing face. “Who is she?”  
  
He shrugged as he became shy. “I don’t even think she likes me back, so it doesn’t really matter. I don’t know.”  
  
I pouted. “That’s too bad. I’m sure she likes you though. You’re Jack Barakat! You can get anyone you want if you set your heart to it. Tell me who it is so I can help you! Do I know her?”  
  
“Yes, you might know her, but no, I won’t tell you.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll just let you know Alex had the same problem at the beginning of the year, but you probably already knew that. Some girl who he liked, but she didn’t like him back. They started becoming friends, but I haven’t really heard much about it since… I never got to know who she was. She’s probably just a bitch if she can’t be bothered to realise.”  
  
 _But now he has me,_ I mentally added.  
  
“Oh, yeah, haha,” Jack shuffled around awkwardly, “she probably is… Anyway, I’ve got to go before Rian overanalyzes things again.”  
  
And with that I was left with my thoughts again, both Alex and Jack confusing me.


	48. A Staggering Breath

**Ash’s POV  
** That night, when I started going back to the hotel room, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know what to think of what Alex had just told me. He said he loved me, but I wasn’t sure if he actually meant it or if it was something impulsive and in-the-moment type of thing. If he actually meant it... then I had no idea how it was possible that he felt something so strongly about me like this so quickly. It had only been two weeks since we had gotten together, there was no way he could have such strong feeling for me yet. Maybe he thought he loved me... maybe he wasn’t sure what it was actually supposed to feel like... maybe he just said it without thinking. All those answers seemed to make sense. But most of all, I didn’t know how to answer to something like this. It was different than saying, "I love you too" to my father or brothers. If I said it... then I would have to mean it.  
  
I was lucky enough that Jack wanted to talk to me before I actually had to say something right away, but I also couldn’t act like nothing had happened. It was quite obvious that this wasn’t just something I could shrug off like it was something minor, because it seriously wasn’t. All I knew for sure was that I didn’t love him yet. Yes, I really _liked_ him, but not _loved_ him. It wasn’t that easy. I could see myself falling for him sometime, but not at that moment. Things were just going way too fast. I knew I could trust him, but this was a bit too far for me. It wasn’t that long ago that the whole Luke thing happened, I wasn’t sure if I could believe in those words again for some time. I wasn't sure of how long it would take me to believe those three words, I didn't want it to be said too fast, but in all honesty... I was scared of feeling that way again.  
  
So, no matter how much I dreaded it, I knew I had to talk to Alex. Not just to calm my nerves, but his as well. He was probably freaking out in our hotel room, wondering if he had screwed up. And just like expected, when I opened the door with the key I had in my back pocket, I saw him sitting on the bed we were going to share, chewing at his nails. Only when I quietly tried to close the door behind me, he automatically realised I was back, looking at me with sad, yet scared eyes.  
  
 _If only I knew the right things to say…_ _  
_  
“So, umm, Jack and I just cleared everything up,” I told him first, thinking that that would at least calm down his nerves a bit, that he didn’t have to have suspicions about something going on between me and Jack, “we made sure that there aren’t any misunderstandings between us, and neither of us has feelings for each other. Apparently there’s a girl he’s interested in, but he wouldn’t tell me who.”  
  
“Oh, ok, yeah… that’s great.” He tried giving me a smile, but it was very fake and not strong at all, with the corners curled up just a bit too far and how easily he was able to go back to sulking afterwards. It was obvious that that wasn’t what was on his mind.  
  
I just stood there, looking at his figure, not being able to find the words I needed to say. My mind was completely blank, words lost in a great dark abyss, my mouth not being able to formulate any sounds. I just hoped that Alex would say something first, but I knew that wouldn’t happen either. It was either I man up and just go for it, or possibly have everything stay awkward between me and Alex forever. Both seemed so terrifying to me. I didn’t want to fuck up. One option would mean that everything would be broken for sure, but the other could still give me a small chance. If only I knew what to do.  
  
“So, umm, what you said before...” I managed to get out, but I just couldn’t continue. I mean, how was I supposed to? What was it that I wanted to say about what he had said before? Was I just supposed to tell him that I didn’t feel the same way? But that would sound way to harsh, and it would give him the wrong idea.  
  
“What about it?” Alex shrugged like he didn’t really know what I was talking about.  
  
“Like, umm, what did you mean?”  
“What do you mean?”  
  
I suddenly just blurted out what I had been wanting to say forever now, “did you mean it?”  
  
Now Alex was the one not sure what to say. He refused to look up at me, finding more comfort in looking at his empty hands fumbling in his lap. I just kept looking at him, wanting to know after finally having said what was on my mind. But it didn’t seem like I would even get him to avert his eyes in a different direction. I understood, however. It was worse not knowing how the other would react than not knowing if the other person actually meant it. This was a make or break situation. I just really wanted to make sure that this wasn’t going to end whatever we had though.  
  
“Ok, look, it doesn’t matter, I’ll just tell you the way I’m feeling,” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, actually catching Alex’s attention by being straightforward, “it might not be the answer you want, but I don’t know. Whether you love me or not, does not change how I feel. I, personally, am not ready for that step yet. I really do like you, and that really isn’t a lie, but I’m not sure if I can do it this fast, both concerning what happened and how fast we’ve already been moving. All I need is some more time. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t feel that way, because there’s nothing controlling that. If you do feel that way, I will really feel special, and you shouldn’t hide it just because I don’t feel the same way yet. It’s pretty obvious it hasn’t scared me away yet. Maybe one day I’ll feel the same way, and you’ll be the first person to know. Just not right now. And if you just said it and didn’t mean it, then it doesn’t matter that much really, but you still know what’s going on.”  
  
He just continued to stare at me for a little while longer, before finally croaking out a reply, “well, umm, I-- I _did_ mean it, but I understand your reasoning. Maybe it’s better if we slow down a little bit? I don’t want to do stuff you’re not ready for.”  
  
“Thank you,” I whispered and smiled, slowly walking up to him, “for now, let’s go to sleep and share this bed together because we are taking advantage of the situation.”  
  
\----  
  
Alex and I were back to normal the day after. Of course I did feel special, because I was actually being loved by someone; Alex was actually in love with me! But we still had to act like ‘just friends’ when we joined the entire class. While he was ready to scream out and let everybody know that he loved me, I still wanted to keep our relationship on the down low for a while, especially since I didn’t need the teachers making Alex and I sleep in other rooms. I really didn’t want to be sharing a room with a teacher.  
  
After finishing our breakfast, we got a warning that we had to be back in 15 minutes. Everybody quickly rushed to their rooms to get ready, knowing that they probably didn’t have enough time to do so, especially the girls who still needed to do their makeup. Alex and I had been smart though. We made sure we did everything before going down to breakfast, except for brushing out teeth, which was all we had to do now. So, we calmly made our way back to our room, taking our time by lying down on our bed and talking for a while before Alex went to use the bathroom first.  
  
It seemed like nothing could go wrong.  
  
But I had never been so wrong.  
  
When it was my turn to brush my teeth, I also decided to use to toilet so I wouldn’t have to go when we were walking around the city. But that was also when I realised my abortion was officially over. There was no more blood, and everything was completely fine. It hadn’t been so bad the last couple of days, so I should have know it was going to end soon, but it still surprised me. I should have been happy. I should have been jumping around with glee. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t happy at all.  
  
I quietly left the bathroom, my heart beating fast as my thoughts were going to dark places. I didn’t know what to think, but none of it was good. Alex looked up from his phone as he heard the door click shut, smiling at me. That smile quickly turned to a frown, however. He could already sense something was wrong without having to analyze my body language; my eyes blank and unresponsive, my arms stiff while I was trying to make sure they didn’t shake, no grin visible on my face, and don’t forget about me being completely silent.  
  
“Are you ok?” Alex asked skeptically, putting his phone in his back pocket to give me his full attention.  
  
I nodded, but didn’t move away from the door I had closed, looking at his feet while I wasn’t sure what to do.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
That was all he needed to say for me to break. I wasn’t strong enough to keep it to myself. So, as I shook my head this time, tears started streaming down my face as I slid down the door to sit on the carpeted dark blue floor. I felt so guilty and horrible. I had killed a child.  
Alex came rushing over to my side, sitting down next to me and pulling me into his lap, his fingers running through my hair as he tried to calm me down. But I just couldn’t do it. I was so selfish. Without thinking, I had gone and taken an innocent life before it was even born. I had willingly swallowed poison to kill something I was supposed to love with all my heart. The reality hadn’t sunk in until now. I couldn’t believe I had done it. It was my baby, I was supposed to be able to hold it in my arms, give it a name, love it like it was the most important person in the world, but I had done the opposite. I had acted like it wasn’t actually there, like it wasn’t another human being. I treated it like some disease.  
  
“Baby, you need to calm down and tell me what’s wrong,” Alex grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, his eyes frantically searching for mine. It was only then that I realised that I had started hyperventilating, blaming myself for being the worst possible mother there ever was.  
I shook my head, I couldn’t calm down; I didn’t deserve that. I had to punish myself for the terrible crime I had committed.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
I was trying my best to get Ash to start breathing normally again. I was lightly hitting her face to try and snap her out of it, holding her hand against my heart for her to try and follow my heart beat, and I even tried kissing her to regulate her breathing. It just wasn’t working. She refused to cooperate with me, slowly suffocating herself as she kept her haunting thoughts to herself. I did not know what to do.  
  
She was gripping tightly onto the shirt I was wearing, her knuckles white and her nails digging through the fabric; her mouth was open wide as her body was forcing her to inhale and exhale, but at a much too rapid pace; her rosy cheeks tear-stained as her skin was turning purple.  
“Ok, ok, let’s… let’s try a story,” I thought out loud, also hoping that my voice might be enough to calm her down, even though I knew it was very far fetched, “it worked for me, so maybe, so maybe it might work for you as well. How about the one you told me? Yeah, that one might work. The one with Romeo and Juliet. You were Romeo and I was Juliet, but let’s reverse the roles, ok? So, umm… oh god, what did you tell me again? The sword fight… umm… Help me, Ash, you have to help me! _How did the story go again?!”_ I was starting to become more desperate, knowing exactly what it felt like the moments just before you passed out. I couldn’t let that happen to her.  
  
Then there was a loud knock on the door. “Guys, the teachers told me to come get you guys. We will leave without you if you don’t come now.”  
  
“Not now, Jack!” I snapped back angrily, glaring at the door before focusing back on Ash. She was way more important than anything else. I couldn’t stand letting the girl I love go through something like this. I needed to help her.  
  
“Well, they were really threatening…” Jack mumbled back, already taken aback by my tone.  
  
 _“Not fucking now,_ Jack!” I screamed, suddenly feeling Ash’s body going limp in my arms. She was still awake and hyperventilating, but I knew she was slipping away fast. I needed to do this, and fast. “God dammit, Ash! I don’t know what to fucking do! _Just stop it already!”_  
  
I was completely hopeless. I couldn’t stand seeing her like this.  
  
Jack came running in, hearing my cry for help loud and clear. He saw both me and Ash sitting on the floor, Ash now passed out and me crying hysterically. I was still shaking my girlfriend, trying to get her to wake up, but it wasn’t working. She was just lying there, her whole body limp, easily shaking along with my movements. There was no life in her whatsoever.  
Jack told me something before running off. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, a high pitched ringing taking over instead. He came back not much later with the teachers following him. I was still shaking Ash pathetically, hoping she’d magically wake up, but I also knew better than that. It obviously wasn’t going to happen.  
  
“Alex, you need to tell me what happened so I can help,” the PE teacher who came along with us said sternly to me.  
  
“I-- I don’t know,” I shook my head, the tears still not drying up, still hoping that Ash hadn’t actually passed out, “she came out of the bathroom, and, and, she just started hyperventilating, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if she took anything, but she just passed out. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong!”  
  
“Ok, Alex, I need you to let go over her so I can take a look at her. One of the other teachers will check the bathroom, ok? Why don’t you step out of the room and try to calm down?”  
I shook my head and refused to let her go, but they just took her away from me, putting her on the bed we hadn’t used but had made to look like one of us slept in it. One of the teachers pulled me up and escorted me out of the room. When I looked to my right, I saw another rummaging through the bathroom, looking to see if there was any medication, or anything of the like, that Ash could have taken on purpose. I didn’t even want to think of that being a possibility. There were kids out in the corridor, trying to see what was going on, but they couldn’t catch a glimpse. I immediately ran over to Jack, who was just outside the door, and hugged him. I didn’t care that everybody could see me cry. Ash was in there, and I wasn’t allowed to be next to her. I didn’t know what to think about what had just happened, I just couldn’t get the frightening images out of my head.  
  
“Hey, Alex, how about we all go and do what we had planned for today?” The same teacher who escorted me out now asked me.  
  
But I just shook my head. _“I’m not leaving.”_


	49. I Don't Know What You Want Me To Say

**Alex’s POV  
** I waited patiently outside the room as the teachers were trying to figure out what to do. No matter how they were going to try to persuade me, I was not going to leave the girl I love when something was obviously wrong with her. It didn’t matter to me that nobody knew what was going on between us. I probably would have wanted to stay even if she weren’t my girlfriend. The way she was sobbing hysterically, not inhaling enough air, had absolutely terrified me. I couldn't take the image of her passing out with so much pain out of my head. I now knew what people experienced when I had anxiety attacks.  
  
Eventually, I was let into our shared bedroom once again, the only teacher staying behind being the PE teacher. Ash had woken up, but wouldn’t talk. She looked pale, lying down on her side while staring at the wall in front of her. Everything about her looked dead, like her body was here, but her soul somewhere else. The pillow she clutched in between her arms, still leaving space for her head to rest on, seemed to be the only thing that kept her grounded. Any second all of her could float away into the abyss.  
  
The teacher had been trying to get her to talk for the last hour, but Ash wouldn’t even let out a whimper. I tried as well, but I knew we wouldn’t get anywhere if it wasn’t just me and Ash in this room. So, I suggested it to Mr. Teach without sounding rude and waited for him to leave the room. Maybe this wasn’t going to work either, but it was worth a try.  
  
I slowly sat down on the side of bed, trying not to make Ash move, while I went to stroke her hair. With no one around I could show as much affection as I wanted. She blinked slowly as I tried to get her attention.  
  
“Hey,” I started with the calmest voice I could muster, not wanting to set her off again, “how are you feeling?”  
  
 _No answer._ _  
_  
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”  
  
Still no answer. Not even a flinch.  
  
“Maybe we can try again later?”  
  
After waiting for another while, showing her affection through my actions, I gave up. There was definitely a war going on in her head, the destructive stronger than the unhurt. It was like she couldn’t even hear me like I didn’t even exist in the world she was surrounded by. I wanted to reach out to her, pull her out of the deep pit she had fallen in, but I didn’t know how.  
  
 _I was helpless._ _  
_  
I called the teacher back in and took a seat on the desk chair, watching Ash carefully, not letting my eyes off her. He went to check the bathroom one last time to see if there would be anything to give away what was going on with Ash. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t find anything, however, this was all in her mind. But, to my surprise, he came back out with a bottle of pills in his hands.  
  
“Could these have something to do with it?” He whispered to me, showing me the label, but not giving me the bottle.  
  
I frowned and shook my head; that wasn’t possible, “that’s my anxiety medication, but I don’t really take it. It makes me feel dead, so I refuse to take it unless it’s really necessary.”  
  
The teacher gestured towards Ash with a nod, raising his eyebrows at me, but I just refused to even think it was possible. Sure, she was basically acting the way I described, dead and unemotional, but that wasn’t because she would dare to take medication that was specifically prescribed for me? No, no she wouldn’t _… right?  
_  
“Do you know how many were in here and how many you’ve taken?” Our PE teacher continued, shaking the bottle, causing the pills to make a rattling sound.  
  
“Umm...” I tried counting the few occasions I had actually convinced myself to take the medicine that stripped my personality away. “There’s twenty in them normally, but I think I’ve taken four.”  
  
“There’s only 15 left.”  
  
My eyes went wide, “maybe one fell out? It doesn’t always close properly.”  
  
He seemed skeptical but went to check the bathroom again, searching through my belongings. I didn’t care that he was invading my privacy, I needed to talk to Ash alone. As soon as the door closed behind him, I rushed over to Ash’s side, crouching in front of her to I could make eye contact with her more easily if she wanted to.  
  
“Ash, did you take my anxiety medication?” I asked her, hoping she could hear that I wasn’t mad, “If you did, it doesn’t matter. But you shouldn’t do that, it can cause weird side effects, especially if you don’t need it.”  
  
She remained quiet as I positioned myself so she had no other choice but then to stare right at me. Her eyes, however, remained focused on what was behind me, even though she couldn’t even see it anymore.  
  
“Baby…” I whispered, desperate for an answer. A tear escaped her right eye, hitting the pillow with a quiet pat. My heart starting beating faster. It couldn’t be true.  
  
I called out for the teacher again, “actually, I forgot to count last week! When I kept having these weird flutters at school and decided to take one before I went to bed, just in case.”  
  
That was a complete lie. I hadn’t taken those devilish things for months. There would never ever be any circumstance that would make me take those ever again. I wasn’t stupid! I would rather pass out, terrified for my life, than be emotionless and mentally not there. It was literally the worst feeling ever. And it was exactly what Ash was experiencing right now…  
  
“Baby, you need to tell me if you took it. I won’t tell anybody. I just need to know so I can help you. _Please, baby,_ I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I whispered loud enough for her to hear, but just quiet enough so nobody else would ever be able to hear.  
  
Two more tears dropped down, leaving behind wet streaks on her face. It wasn’t much longer before she shook her head, telling me she didn’t do it. She curled up into a ball and silently started crying. It might not have been a happy emotion, but I got her to show something. It was better than nothing. I pushed myself up so that I could wrap my arms around her, bringing her close to me.  
  
When the teacher came in and saw I had made some progress, he pointed towards the door and left, leaving me to talk to Ash. I quickly pressed a kiss to the side of her head, moving her hair away. I didn’t know what was going on in her mind, but I knew it couldn’t be any good.  
“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong,” I whispered into her ear in a calm voice, kissing the spot just next to her ear.  
  
“D-don’t call me that,” she whimpered like she was physically being caused pain by my words.  
  
“Baby?”  
  
“I don’t deserve to be called that.”  
  
“But I love you, _of course_ , you deserve to be called that!” I protested, not understanding her words at all.  
  
She shook her head and tried to move away from me, but I wouldn’t let her. “I killed a baby! I don’t deserve it!” Her voice sounded croaky, breaking apart by the second before she full out broke into sobs.  
  
“Ash,” I sighed in sympathy, moving all the hair out of her face so I would be able to look at her, “don’t ever think you’ve made a horrible mistake. Yes, you were pregnant; and yes, you decided to have an abortion. That child won’t be born, and I know it hurts, but just think about it for a while. Would you really have been ready to me a mother now? Didn’t you want to graduate and go to Juilliard? That would be so much more difficult. There could even have been the chance of the baby always reminding you of Luke and what he had done to you. It could have meant you wouldn’t treat the child in a way you are capable of. Deep down you know it was the right decision. Now you can focus on your future; a future with education and degrees, a wonderful guy, and many many babies, as many as you want to have. Don't beat yourself up over this one child. I don’t want you missing all the opportunities and possibilities open for you.”  
  
\----  
 **Ash’s POV  
  
** Alex and I continued to talk about it for another while until he had convinced me that I really hadn’t made a mistake. He kept painting this wonderful picture of how my future was possibly going to look like now, making it quite clear that none of that would have been possible if I had decided to keep the child. Everything he said was meaningful, none of it heartless. It wasn’t like he was trying to tell me that it would have been the worst thing ever if I had wanted to keep the child, but he was telling me that I was better off now.  
  
And I knew it was true.  
  
I wasn’t completely fine yet, but Alex and I decided to join the second half of the day. We got to do whatever we wanted; explore the city with our friends. I put on a happy face, trying to convince everybody that everything was ok. They didn’t all seem to believe me fully, but they wouldn’t dare ask me any questions about what happened. Not like I would have wanted to answer them anyway. This was something I would like to keep between Alex and me for now. Maybe there would come a time when I would tell Jack, and then I’d mention it to Harper, Lianne, and Rian ever later. I just wasn’t ready for such a big step yet.  
  
We were walking around in our small group, fooling around and talking, occasionally remembering how awesome New York actually was. It was mainly tall buildings, busy streets, and some cute shops. Everything was just a bit more spectacular than Baltimore, and a whole lot different from any place I had been in Germany. I liked the differences, though; having traveled around the world, the culture was always something that intrigued me.  
  
Alex was holding my hand as we walked at the back. It was like he was afraid I would leave or drift off if he let go. Nobody seemed to care, though, not thinking twice about it. They could all sense I was trying to put on a brave face, and that Alex was there to support me. The others were just walking wherever they wanted, still sticking together; all so carefree and excited.  
At one point, Harper and Rian were walking together at the very front, Jack and Lianne walking just in front of us. They were all talking about their own things while Alex and I just stayed silent. We had already talked enough for the day, there was no need to make it seem like everything was forgotten and ok. Even though we were together, we also needed to take some time to think about it ourselves, to process everything that had happened the last 24 hours.  
  
Everything was suddenly interrupted when a random local girl decided to run up to Lianne, grab her face, and plant a kiss on her lips before rushing away. Lianne froze up completely, almost making Alex bump into her. She seemed confused for a second before turning to the direction the girl had disappeared and shouting after her, “hey, wait up!”  
  
We all looked at each other, waiting for Lianne to come back. When her pink hair finally came back in sight, jogging towards us, she had a large grin on her face, putting her phone back into her back pocket.  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow up at her, “what was that all about? Want me to go punch a bitch? Because I will go punch a bitch.”  
  
“No,” she giggled back, seeming so happy about whatever happened, “I actually got her number! Wait a second… I think I might be a lesbian! Wait, no, I could be bisexual. Maybe I’m bisexual, that’s very possible. Hmm…” she turned to Alex and planted her lips on his without thinking. Alex’s eyes were wide open, obviously not having been prepared for what happened, and he didn’t seem to enjoy it either. Oddly enough, I actually didn’t feel any jealousy. When Lianne broke away from him, she shook her head, “no, I did not like that. Definitely a lesbian. Onwards we go!”  
  
With that, she started marching forward. I looked at Jack and saw him looking at the floor, his eyes sad while his smile didn’t even exist. We all started walking again, but I couldn’t help but notice how upset he seemed. I leaned over to Alex and whispered, “hey, do you mind if I go walk with Jack for a bit?”  
  
“Sure, do you want to tell him what happened?” Alex smiled, trusting me around Jack now.  
I shook my head, “not yet, but he’s my best friend, so I don’t want him to think I completely forgot about him, you know? Plus, it seems like Lianne could use some calming down.”  
“I’ll go do that, and you go talk to your ‘best friend’ who happens to be my best friend as well.”  
“You have three best friends and me, I have you and Jack's my best friend, it’s different.”  
  
“Ok, ok, fine, now go talk to him, I get to be around you the entire night,” he smirked and ran to catch up with Lianne, who seemed over the moon.  
  
I went to Jack, walking in the same somber pace he was, “I guess we're the same now.”  
  
“The same?” He questioned.  
  
“Yeah, putting on a brave face while you’re dying inside.”  
  
He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, adding a fake smile to try and convince me. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Oh, come on, I’m not stupid, Jack,” I rolled my eyes and sighed audibly, “you like Lianne, but she just ‘came out’. I saw the way you looked. You don’t even know for sure if she’s actually only into girls. She just made this decision in a couple of seconds, it’s possible it’s not completely thought through yet. Trust me when I say that I would know if she was having her doubts before. She would have told me and Harper. And if she is actually a lesbian, don’t be too hurt about it. It shouldn’t be that way; you shouldn't be hurt because of one girl who's always willing to still be your friend. We’re only 17 now, Jack, we have a whole life in front of us. There’s going to be so many heartbreaks to come. But eventually, you’ll find that one girl you’ll spend the rest of your life with. You’ve just got to be patient.”  
  
“But will she be as awesome as Lianne?” He looked at me, genuinely feeling sad.  
  
“Even better, Jack, even better.”


	50. Sick, But Ok

**Ash’s POV** **  
**  
I stared at the clock as I wished for the minutes to go past faster. The colon that separated the hours from the minutes on the analog clock kept flashing as time seemed to slow down as the seconds past. Those orange numbers were basically burned into my mind by now. I had already started overthinking the whole idea and design of clocks, eventually wandering to the whole concept of numbers. Strange things they were; all numbers you could possibly think of, just made out of the same nine symbols in different orders, over and over again. And then there was our number system. Who even thought of making a minute 60 seconds long and an hour 60 minutes long, but a day only 24 hours long. Why only go up to 60 if we usually go up in tens for other everyday things. It just didn’t make sense to me. The longer I thought about things, the stranger they actually became.  
  
Now, you might ask what’s got me thinking all this. Well, I’ll happily tell you. First of all, I’ll calm your nerves and suspicions, there wasn’t anything seriously wrong with me. I just happened to get sick a couple of days after we came back from our school trip. It started out as me just simply sneezing occasionally, but then all the other flu symptoms started showing up as well. I felt like literal shit. So, while I was at home, everybody else was able to go to school. I was just waiting for the clock to strike four o’clock, meaning that Alex would be back home. Being sick and not being able to do anything really was the worst.  
  
There are different stages of being ill. One is just mild symptoms that don’t affect your daily life all too much other than feeling a bit under the weather. Then there is that type which makes you feel pretty bad, but not bad enough to miss an important class at school (even though most people would still take advantage of it). The next stage was feeling sick enough to stay home, but you’re still able to do some stuff. Then the stage I was in, feeling too bad to even think of doing something productive. The last stage was obviously for very serious cases, which I definitely wasn’t.  
  
All I had been doing for the past couple of days was sleeping other times I just stayed in my bed, staring at whatever was in front of me. I only left to go to the bathroom and to occasionally eat something. Being sick always made me have weird eating patterns. I could eat nothing for a while, feeling like I was actually going to be sick if I was even around food, and at other times I would raid the entire kitchen. Right now I was in the raid-the-kitchen mood. Maybe it would make the next 15 minutes go past faster as well. It was a Friday, so it meant that some more people would be coming over for the monthly movie-watching and sleepover party was going to happen. I didn’t know who exactly was going to come, and I wasn’t sure I was going to participate either, I was just going to have to wait and see.  
  
I slowly got out of my bed, dragging myself out of my blanket burrito. Nobody was at home, not even Alex’s mom, making me long for the time Alex was going to come back even more. As soon as I got to the kitchen, I tried to find something I felt like eating, something I was craving. Many of the cupboards had good food in them, however, I had already rummaged through them too often before, there wasn’t anything that made my heart jump from looking at something you love. However, as soon as I got to the fridge, I suddenly had an idea.  
  
Alex had once taught me how to make grilled cheese. Just thinking about it already made my mouth water. So, I got out the pan, the butter, the cheese, and the bread. In no time, butter was being spread, cheese was being melted, and an overwhelming delicious smell wafted through the kitchen. I was so ready to eat it. After I turned off the gas, I put the finished grilled cheese onto a plate and went to put all the stuff I used back again.  
  
Little did I know that the front door had opened and there was now a group of people here.  
When I turned around Alex was holding my food, taking a large bit out of it while leaning against the counter.  
  
“No,” I whined and pouted as he gave me an evil smirk, “that’s my grilled cheese!”  
  
He shrugged and winked at me, taking another bite. “This is really good, who taught you how to make these? Oh, wait! That’s me!”  
  
“I was planning on eating that, though…”  
  
He walked away with one last cheeky smile, knowing that I wasn’t actually upset with him. Of course, I was bummed out, but I just couldn’t get mad at him over something like this. That would just be stupid. I could always make another one in no time, it only took around five minutes in total. Plus, there was a chance he would get sick from eating something I prepared, so that would be payback enough for me.  
  
I was about to go make myself a new one when I suddenly saw Jack walking past the doorway. He didn’t seem to realize I was there, so I called out his name excitedly, “Jacky!”  
  
Immediately perking up, he turned and dramatically ran up to me. “Ashy!”  
  
He quickly wrapped his arms around me in a strong embrace, and I didn’t hesitate to hug him back. Although he was so tall and lanky, I still thought he was able to give some of the best hugs out there. Not only were they comforting, but they’d often lead to something weird and funny happening as well, just like the one time we fell over in the hallway together.  
  
“How are you doing?” He kissed the top of my head, looking down at me while I was only wearing a pair of sweats and an oversized sweater, my hair up in a messy bun.  
  
“I mean, my nose is red; my eyes are watery; I feel like I’ve taken an unhealthy amount of medicine; and Alex has stolen my grilled cheese sandwich. Yes, I think I’m great.”  
  
“I’ll be nice and not ask you to make me grilled cheese as well, just being you need some extra love. Your best friend Jack is here to cheer you up!”  
  
I rolled my eyes, “you know I’d offer to make you one, but I don’t want to risk you getting sick. You should probably stop hugging me as well.”  
  
“And you don’t mind if Alex gets sick now because he’s eating something you made?” He  
raised an eyebrow up at me, chuckling at how protective I was of him.  
  
“Sucks to be him.”  
  
He let go of me and shook his head. “Well, I’ll better get going back to the others before they start thinking dirty things are going on in here.”  
  
“Are you telling me there aren’t any dirty things going on in here?” I smirked a grabbed a new knife to spread butter on the two slices of bread.  
  
“Other than you coughing, no there isn’t.”  
  
He skipped away to join the others, which included Rian, Zack, and Lianne (Harper had to stay at home once again because she had to babysit her brother since her parents had had another fall out). I stayed in the kitchen, planning on making this grilled cheese and then hang out with my friends for a bit before going to bed early. However, Alex came in, once again interrupting my plans.  
  
He wrapped his arms around my waist while I was trying to flip the sandwich in the pan. While his body was pressed up against mine, he kissed my cheek, as if he was apologizing for what he had done before.  
  
“What are you doing?” He whispered, kissing my cheek again, hugging me tighter.  
  
“Making a grilled cheese sandwich because you ate the last one I made and I was planning on eating it,” I said as if I was mad at him for doing that, like him doing it had pissed me off completely.  
  
But it didn’t faze Alex. “It did taste really good, though.”  
  
“It better have,” I grumbled.  
  
“Are you really mad at me?”  
  
I chuckled at put the freshly made food on the plate from before, hoping nobody was going to steal it from me this time and turned around in Alex’s hold. His bottom lip was sticking out, trying to guilt trip me by pouting. I couldn’t help the big grin that formed on my face as I put both of my hands on his cheeks and kissed him, knowing that none of our friends would be able to see what was going on. This was the one reason why I wasn’t afraid of Alex getting sick because of me. At first, I refused to kiss him, but he just kept doing it. If there was one reason why he would also get the flu, it would have been because he just couldn’t keep his lips from mine.  
  
“I love you.” He mumbled against my lips as we both pulled away.  
  
I didn’t reply and instead gave him a quick peck. There was always a hint of disappointment in Alex’s eyes when I didn’t say it back. Of course, he always hoped that I would be able to say those three words as well, but I wasn’t ready yet, and he understood. I could feel that it wasn’t going to take much longer, though. With the way I could feel my heart flutter every time I was around him, I knew that it was going to happen sooner than later.  
  
“Are you going to join us for movie night?” He asked me as he let me go so I could finally eat something.  
  
I shrugged and took a bite of the delicious bread held together by molten cheese. “I dunno. I’ll hang out with you guys for a bit now, but I think I’ll just go to bed after that.”  
  
“Please join us,” he gave me puppy dog eyes, “we were going to start the movie now anyway so we can watch several.”  
  
“But I’ll fall asleep in no time. The plot won’t even have started yet and I will be out like a light,” I whined.  
  
“I’ll bring you up to your bed if you do fall asleep.”  
  
“Ok, fine.”  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV  
  
** I took hold of Ash’s hand and brought her downstairs with me. Jack and Lianne were already arguing with Rian and Zack about which movie to watch. They really wanted to watch Home Alone, while the more sensible were groaning about not wanting to see that again. I decided to interrupt their bickering by announcing that I had convinced Ash to join us. Lianne immediately sighed in relief knowing that she wasn’t the only girl, and Jack also seemed to be very excited. He really turned into a goofball whenever Ash was around, not that he wasn’t ever not a goofball, but it just got even worse when she was around.  
  
I sat back down on my seat, which was on the couch, which Jack had claimed the opposite end on. With Zack and Rian having claimed the other couch and Lianne sitting on the floor, Ash decided to curl up next to me. Eventually, she decided she was more comfortable with her head on my lap and her feet on Jack’s, taking up the remained of the couch.  
  
“Oh, so he get’s head, but I don’t?” Jack whined, pointing at Ash who was in my lap. Other than the first time she ever joined for our movie night, I didn’t feel uncomfortable and the need to think of other things so nothing would go wrong. She was still as beautiful as ever, but that wasn’t my intention anymore.  
  
“I’m sorry, Jacky,” Ash giggled in response, “I’ll promise to give it to you later.”  
  
“I think that will actually emotionally scar me.”  
  
I completely trusted Ash and Jack around each other now. When I knew for sure that neither of them had feelings for each other, I didn’t even care how close they were. They had actually gotten closer since the trip, when they had cleared up everything, becoming each other’s best friends -- they might have even been getting as close as Jack and I were. The only reason why I was fully ok with it was because I actually asked Jack about his feelings. I had told him he had to be honest about it, even though I still had a slight crush on her (of course it had completely turned into something else, but he didn’t know). The only thing that made him uncomfortable was the fact that I still had feelings. No, not because he also had them, but because he was worried about Ash. He didn’t want me making her feel uncomfortable. However, I told him that I had it under control. Little did he know how under control I actually had it.  
  
We eventually settled on some comedy, completely ignore Jack’s arguments about why we had to watch Home Alone. As she had predicted, Ash had fallen asleep before stuff actually started happening in the movie. Although she tried her best to keep her eyes open, they just kept slowly closing until she succumbed to her exhaustion. I let my fingers calming run through her hair as she was breathing softly, occasionally making cute small noises.  
  
When the movie ended, I brought Ash up to her room just like I had promised. I tried my best not to hit any walls or fall down the stairs as I was holding her bridal style. Somehow I managed to do it all without waking her up. I put her down on one side of her bed, moving the covers off the other half, before tucking her in. After kissing her forehead, I muttered the three words only I was able to say and went back downstairs before the others got suspicious.  
  
“Hey, dude, you ok?” Jack asked me as I entered the dark basement again.  
  
“Yeah, why?” I jumped back onto the couch, hoping they hadn’t noticed anything going on between me and Ash. As much as I wanted to make our relationship public, I wasn’t going to do anything without her being ok with it.  
  
“Just checking.”  
  
“I mean, you did just eat a sandwich prepared by somebody who’s sick,” Rian added, laughing at the way I had been acting before.  
  
“I really don’t care if I get sick,” I told them, knowing the chance was pretty high, “at least it would mean I’d finally get some time to work on that last song for our EP so we can send it out to some record labels.”  
  
“It better be the best fucking song that will sell us to all the record labels!” Zack triumphed.  
  
“Trust me, guys,” Lianne piped up--I had almost forgotten she was there since she was lying on the floor with a pillow, “they will want to sign you, and if they don’t I’ll personally go punch a bitch like Jack put it.”


	51. Who Said We Couldn't Sneak Off?

**Alex’s POV  
** It had been a couple of days, and Ash was back up on her feet, ready to catch up with all the schoolwork she had missed. I had tried to keep her updated by showing her my notes and homework, but, as we all know, I was not the best at that. To be honest, I was much more busy trying to come up with song lyrics than I was with writing down stuff from the board. Really, I couldn’t care less. Initially, Ash was pretty mad at me for not taking decent notes and insisted on going back to school no matter how ill she was, but eventually, she just gave in, saying she’d just have to ask the teachers what she missed.  
  
She had gotten quite a load of work for each class. We had only done our morning classes, just having reached lunch, and she was already walking around with a pile of books and paper. If I were her, I’d be having a mental breakdown. Seriously, that was way too much work to be able to catch up on in one day. We hadn’t even had Math or Biology yet! Imagine how much she was still going to get for that? It was just physically and mentally impossible to cram so much work into a couple of hours. And knowing Ash, she’d spend time to understand everything, so she wouldn’t just do a quick scan through. That was definitely something I would do… Wait, no, actually I wouldn’t even bother to ask my teachers what I had missed. Seriously, who cared? Well.. Ash _obviously_ did…  
  
She dropped all of her books onto the table our friends were already sitting at. Everybody looked up at her, wide-eyed, having jumped from the loud noise. She just ignored them and sat down on a chair while I put down both our lunches. There was no way she would have been able to carry a tray as well, so I gladly offered to at least do that.  
  
“What are all those books for?” Jack decided to break the silence just as I sat down as well.  
  
“Material I need to catch up with everything I missed,” Ash sighed, looking at the massive stack with a frown while taking a bite of her pizza, “I would start now, but I’ve got a date with the beautiful piano in the music room.”  
  
“Ah,” Lianne nodded in an understanding way, “at least tell me this piano is hot, and that you’re not wasting your time on it.”  
  
Ash shrugged a little, eating some more of her pizza, not wanting to waste too much time here. “I mean, I guess you could say so. The only problem is that it thinks I’m just playing it--”  
  
“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Jack interrupted, hitting his hand against the table, “no more puns. I am done with puns. I have had enough of them. If I hear one more, I swear I’m going to walk out of here and shoot myself. I can’t deal with them anymore. I’m just done.”  
  
“What’s got your panties in a twist?” I asked him, chuckling at his bluntness. Normally Jack was the one with terrible jokes, or he absolutely loved them, but now he seemed to be fed up. It was actually pretty funny to see him like this.  
  
“That would be my fault,” Lianne giggled and put her hand up innocently, “I’ve been annoying him with puns the entire day. It all started in English when the teacher was getting mad about somebody using terrible language. So, I whispered to Jack ‘A rule of grammar: double negatives are a _no-no’_.”  
  
“And then somebody went to the bathroom and took a while to get back, so you said ‘I guess he was _stalling’_. Yeah, we all know, you're great at puns, but they are driving me insane!” Jack pulled on his hair as he seemed physically in pain.  
  
Lianne smirked evilly. “I _radish_ the fact that you've _mustard_ the strength to _ketchup_ to me.”  
  
“Fuck this!” Jack groaned and hit his head against the table, not moving an inch as he just lay there, seemingly dead.  
  
“Well, I’ve got to go,” Ash announced and struggled to pick up all her books again, so I helped place them in her hands, “I’ll see you guys whenever.”  
  
I watched her as she rushed off to the band room. I still couldn’t believe that I could call her mine. Well, call wasn’t exactly the right word, since we weren’t public with our relationship yet. But I could still think of her as mine, and know that it wasn’t in some creepy stalking way. My very unrealistic crush that I thought was never going to happen, actually happened, and I was determined to make it last. While it did hurt me a little bit that she wasn’t able to say ‘I love you’ back, I also fully understood. I had been falling for her for so much longer than she had known, and she didn’t have that good of an experience last time she shared such a feeling with someone. Maybe I was able to show her that she didn’t have to be afraid, that whatever Luke made her feel and what he showed her was not real love.  
  
I had to bite my lips to keep back the smile creeping up on my face as she finally disappeared. When I looked back in front of me, I saw Jack and Harper giving me weird looks. I furrowed my eyebrows at them, wondering what was wrong. Had I done something that I wasn’t supposed to do?  
  
“Ok, there’s no easy way to put this, so I’m just going to ask,” Jack started, staring at me as if he would be able to read my mind if he wanted to, “doyoustillhaveacrushonAsh?”  
  
“What he meant to say was, do _you_ still have a _crush_ on _Ash_?” Harper rolled her eyes at Jack and perfectly articulated all her words slowly, teasing Jack about his uncertainness.  
  
“What?! No!” I defended way too quickly. Well, technically it was true; I didn’t have a crush on her anymore, I actually loved her. There’s a big difference.  
  
“Ok…?” Jack muttered, before sighing, actually having been able to read my mind in some way. “Look, just don’t get your hopes up. She’s been through a lot, so she might not be ready to even come close to the idea of relationships or anything to do with them. I know you can’t just turn off her feelings for her, but don’t make her do something she’s not ready for. I’m sorry to tell you this, but there’s a high chance she won’t ever consider being with you.”  
  
I wanted to get mad, real mad. I wanted to get up in Jack's face and prove him wrong, that I already had her. That my feelings weren’t just some hopeless case. That maybe he should just stop being overprotective of her, and let her date me if she wanted to.  
  
But I couldn’t. Not without Ash’s permission, at least.  
  
“But what if she does?” I said in the calmest voice I could, trying to make it sound like I really was wondering.  
  
“Look, you’d understand if you were the one to find her in that motel room. It was the most horrific sight I’ve ever seen. Don’t think she’s stronger than she actually is.”  
  
That was it for me. I needed to see Ash before I lost it. I knew that I said that I wasn’t jealous of Jack anymore, that I knew nothing was going on between the two, but I could still feel that small pang of jealousy going through me as he reminded me that she had gone to him for help instead of me. Plus, the fact that he was basically saying that she would never even give me a chance made me try and calm my leg that was bouncing up and down.  
  
“I, umm, actually have to go as well, John wanted to talk to me about some project or something… I’ll see you guys in music class later, ok?” I scrambled to get all my stuff together before walking out of the cafeteria, not waiting for a reaction from the others.  
  
I went straight to the band room, where I knew Ash would be. The whole having-to-talk-to-John thing wasn’t a lie. I was going to talk to him, he told me to show up whenever I had the time, but I was planning on doing that the next day. Secretly, I actually hoped he wasn’t in the classroom at that moment. I just wanted to see Ash and know she was actually mine without having any restrictions on what I could and couldn’t do.  
  
I carefully walked in, closing the door very quietly behind me. It seemed like Ash was the only person in here. She had grabbed some paper from a cupboard used as storage space and was smoothly walking back to the piano on the raised stage. Quietly sneaking up to her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and quickly kissed her cheek. Instead of screaming like she would have done a couple of weeks before, she let out a small happy squeal before giggling, knowing that it was me already.  
  
“What are you doing here?” She asked me, putting the paper on the stool, still giggling while I still didn’t let go of her.  
  
“Well, Jack was saying so stupid stuff, so I decided to leave before I did something stupid I would regret,” I whispered and put my chin on her shoulder, hugging her tighter.  
  
“Oh, is that so?” She turned around in my hold and grinned up at me. We had managed to walk closer to the piano so that she was now leaning against the side.  
  
I nodded, “yeah, so I thought ‘why not come here, see my girlfriend, and make our mouths touch’. Seemed like a pretty good idea to me.”  
  
So, she did exactly that. I when I say exactly, I mean exactly. She wasn’t kissing me, no, she literally just put her lips against mine, not moving an inch, before pulling away. I couldn’t help but laugh at her while I shook my head, “that’s not good enough.”  
  
This time, she held my face in her hands and gave me a long slow kiss. Before she could pull away, this time, I was quick enough to start kissing her back, deepening the kiss while I still could. She didn’t seem to mind, though. One of her hands slid down to my neck, her thumb still caressing the side of my chin as she accepted the new rhythm and my body pressed up against hers. In no time, I had managed to pick her up and put her down on the grand piano, not making her lips part.  
  
The new position gave her full control over our kiss, being the one that was slightly taller now. But she knew exactly what to do. Her legs wrapped around my waist, pulling me even closer if it was possible. All my worries were washed away immediately. She really was mine; nothing and nobody was going to interfere with that, not even my old ways.  
  
Somebody cleared their throat from behind us, causing Ash and me to jump apart. Well, apart from if you considered one foot away from each other apart. I snapped my head to the front of the classroom to see John standing there, putting some paper and student notebooks on his desk.  
  
“Don’t mind me.” He grinned at us and winked, acting like he hadn’t seen a thing going down.  
  
“Please don’t tell anyone, nobody except my parents know,” I begged straight away, not going to risk him blurting it out during class. And the parent's card was always useful to try and convince teachers.  
  
“Your _parents_ know?”  
  
“Yeah…” Ash swung her legs as she still didn’t move from the piano. “That was pretty awkward.”  
  
“I’m just glad you’re finally together!” John smiled, always being the cool teacher and not the stuck up one. “Alex has had a crush on you for ages!”  
  
“What? Really?” Her eyes went wide as she suddenly looked at me. I was blushing like crazy, having hoped to keep that out of our relationship for another while.  
  
“School hadn’t even really started yet and I could already tell. The way he was bragging about you during our first class, and then the looks he kept giving you the weeks after that. Really, it seemed like he was head over heels for you!”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me, you idiot!” Ash exclaimed as she hit me lightly while I was trying to look anywhere but at her (was it embarrass Alex day or something?). “I would have chosen you over Luke any day!”  
  
“Really?” I asked her skeptically, remembering the way she swooned over him before their first date.  
  
“Well, maybe not in the very beginning, but as soon as things started going wrong, yes. I feel so stupid now! I was the girl who you had a crush on? I’ve been calling myself a bitch the entire time for not liking you back? Alex!”  
  
I couldn’t even say anything. Did she really just say that she would have chosen me over Luke? I couldn’t believe it! Jack was going to be so surprised when I told him-- wait. I couldn’t tell him just yet.  
  
“You know, you should have made your move at the theme park,” she hopped off the glossy black instrument and took the paper of the stool so she could sit down, “it would have totally worked. We were already pretending, why not make it real as well?”


	52. A New Vision

**Ash’s POV  
** It was supposed to be just another day of school, just another ordinary day filled with classes. I’d make as many notes as possible, reading over my notes so I would understand everything that was being said. Alex and I would give each other sly glances that nobody would notice, whether we were across the classroom or sitting right next to each other. Lunch would be eaten in the cafeteria with my friends, we’d joke around a little bit until Jack would go a bit too far. As soon as the bell would go, I’d rush to my next class, not daring to miss a second. Then, when the school bell rang for the very last time on that day, we’d all hangout and do something fun, or Alex and I would be all alone. He’d hold my hand as he drove back home, singing and humming along with the songs playing softly throughout the car. I’d just look at him, appreciating him and every imperfection and perfection he had. After I’d insist on doing my homework first, we’d cuddle up together and share some kisses. Maybe we’d watch a movie, or maybe we’d just be on our beds, talking to each other.  
  
But that wasn’t what happened that day.  
  
That day was different. It led to things I wish I’d never have to face again. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it was always haunting me. But that was exactly where I always wanted to keep it for the rest of my life… the back of my mind. I thought that I had overcome it. It was supposed to be like overcoming your fear, that it would never come back again. But I guess that’s where I went wrong. It would come back in the blink of an eye if I turned my back to it for just a second, one small thing triggering it like multiple grenades.  
  
I didn’t want it to happen, but it was out of control. The day already seemed to be going way too good to be true. I wasn’t behind anymore, Alex and I had been able to sneak some kisses with nobody noticing, and I was actually completely happy for once. Nothing was supposed to stop me and ruin my day. It was all good again. Alex and I were happy and I felt like I was actually ready to love him back. I wasn’t broken anymore, and I knew that it was true.  
  
But, oh, how one thing could change it all like that.  
  
It all started with me laughing. It was a genuine laugh caused by something Rian had said. As my teeth were showing brightly, and I walked up to my locker to put my books away, I realized that I was indeed actually happy again. That annoying little high-pitched scream was no longer there, telling me to be aware of my surroundings. It was gone now, my mind back to the way before it all went down.  
  
We were all going to go out to that authentic diner Alex and I had our first date yet. Of course, nobody knew, but jack still believed we had to make it up to him. We were going to have fun. It always led to us trying our best to squish into one of the big booths they had, but it ended in one of us always falling out or sitting on another’s lap. The dinner would always start with us betting what would happen and to whom it would. That way our pain would turn into a little fun.  
If only that was what we were going to do.  
  
It was all such a blur, but it didn’t take long. I grabbed my coat from the hanger I had put in my locker, and let my hand brush against Alex’s as we left the school building. We were all going as one big group, nobody ahead and nobody left behind; we were basically that annoying group of friends that was basically in the way of everything as they all tried to go to the same place at the same time.  
  
But who would know it would actually turn out to be the best plan we ever had?  
  
The cold winter air made my skin tingle as we stood outside. The anticipated snow hadn’t fallen yet, but the full dark clouds were swarming overhead. Everybody always wished for a white Christmas, but it rarely ever happened. The leaves were long fallen off all the branches and swiped up by maintenance, only the pine trees still standing tall and proud. Red noses were everywhere as clouds left all our mouths and noses while we simply tried to breathe or talk.  
  
Just another winter day.  
  
But there he stood. Sitting on top of the hood of his freshly washed car, Luke was watching me leave school for the day. I tried to stay calm, thinking it was just my imagination playing with me, that that warning inside my head had amplified instead of left. But no. He was actually there, his evil smirk on full display.  
  
I wasn’t the only one to notice. It was like everybody around me knew who he was, keeping an eye out for every little movement and action. Alex stood completely still right next to me, Jack scowling, as Luke had the nerve to push himself off of the shiny metal surface and towards me. The smirk never left his face. He knew exactly what he was doing, having another plan that included me once again. His footsteps were heavy as all the kids looked to see what was happening. Nobody dared to interfere before it was too late.  
  
His mouth was moving as he talked to me, but I didn’t hear a thing. All sound was blocked out while I felt lost, an unfamiliar and menacing tune playing. I wanted to run, scream my lungs out, get away from him. But I was frozen, just like the puddles on the cracked asphalt roads. It all just happened so fast.  
  
Alex was suddenly stood in front of me, yelling at Luke while protecting me with his body. But he was nothing compared to that muscular evil-doer. Luke towered over him, laughing in his face, while looked over at me with a certain twinkle in his eye; a fiery red, dampened by a black veil, the eye of an angered dragon. He was going to get me no matter what. I was the gold he eagerly wanted. And I was ready. Ready for him to hurt me again, ready for him to take another piece of me, ready to be broken, ready for my life to end.  
  
He wanted to get up in my face, tell me that I had to answer him, that I had to obey him. But it was all muffled. I didn’t understand the movie that I was watching, the plot didn’t make sense. Why was the guy trying to hurt the girl when she didn’t do anything wrong? That wasn’t how stories were supposed to go! It always ended in a happy ever after. They always had a good ending.  
  
I couldn’t even follow what was going on next. More people were interfering. Jocks who objectified me when I just came here were standing up and supporting Alex, creating a barrier. It wasn’t long before one of them lost their mind and started lashing out. With the help of all his friends, Luke was on the floor in no time, being restrained by two guys at each limb. He tried and he tried, shouting profanities at me. But there was no hope, he had lost the battle, but not the war.  
  
Police were involved. Apparently, they had been looking for him since somebody had reported the rape. Luke had always managed to get away, to hide until he could strike again. But with the help of some school children, he was caught and handcuffed. The glare he gave me when he was pushed into the back of a cop car would be burned into my mind forever. It was the look you gave someone you wanted to kill, ready to rip their throat apart. The car rushed off to jail before his plan could be executed.  
  
I was pulled off to the side by, who was supposed to be, a friendly officer. He was going to help me. First I had to answer some questions before I could get the help I needed. But I couldn’t do it. It was all too much for me. All the noise was catching up on me, hitting me all at once: screaming, laughter, the sound of a body hitting the floor.  
  
So, I ran. I ran like every troubled person would. Making sure I stayed off the main roads, I roamed around the city, never daring to take a break and stop, never slowing down any further than a jog. We run, they follow; we rest, they catch up. I could;nt risk it. I wouldn’t let myself be dragged down that road again. But everybody already knew that it was too late for that. I had gone further than I ever had before.  
  
Eventually, I just ended up going home, the sun already having set a long time ago, not bothering to say hi to a very worried Isobel. Alex was still out searching for me, an anxiety attack hitting him every corner he took without being able to see me anywhere. But I had other things to worry about.  
  
For example, the books in my bookcase needed to be in alphabetical order.


	53. A Weird Way To Solve

Ash's POV  
I stared at the pile of books in front of me. Some of the covers were folded in half, while some corners were bent at weird angles. I hadn’t taken my time to take out each book carefully. As soon as I came into my room and locked my door, I threw them all onto the floor so that the bookcase was empty. They were all standing in the order of books I had read last to books I hadn’t touched since I put them on the shelves. But that wasn’t right. I was going to go through my alphabet countless of times just so everything would be. Just like when my mom died, all the books in my room had to go from A to Z.

The loud banging on my door didn’t faze me. I didn’t even seem to realise that my door was nearly being knocked off its hinges. My mind was still clustered and noisy. All the screaming and laughing was still echoing in between my ears, haunting me with images every time I blinked and closed my eyes for a bit too long. However, as soon as I placed another book on the right place, they’d leave for just a second. The only thing that would make it all better was if I made sure all of those books were in the right order.

I was about halfway through, ignoring the ‘the’ so many classic titles had at the beginning and went straight for the first noun, verb, adjective, or adverb, when my door was suddenly knocked down. The loud crashing sound brought me out of my trance completely as I quickly looked at what had caused the ruckus. Zack was standing there, clutching his shoulder as his t-shirt was sitting lopsided. He was just standing there, not sure what to do now that he had managed to succeed. Lucky for him, Jack and Alex rushed past him as soon as they realised the door was actually gone.

“Oh, thank god!” Jack exclaimed as he saw me sitting on the floor, not doing much except for looking at my books. I just looked at them unemotionally, not sure what to think about what was going on.

“We-- We thought you were-- We thought you were doing something harmful,” Jack continued as he sighed in relief, but Alex didn’t seem as happy. He frowned as he saw me, realising something. I didn’t listen to Jack’s rambling as he kept going on and on about how happy he was to see that I was fine, and went back to organizing my books. They didn’t understand.

“Jack, shut the fuck up!” Alex suddenly yelled, getting frustrated at his best friend, “it’s obvious that she’s not fine!”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” He replied in a calmer tone than Alex, but still not in the friendliest tone out there. “We both know we were afraid of what we’d find if we got the door open, don’t act like you’re not at least a little bit happy about that.”

“Jack, something’s wrong, can’t you tell?”

I glared at them as they kept talking about me as if I wasn’t there to hear it all. When they finally realised my stare, they stopped bickering and quieted down. I hated the fact that Alex was able to read me so easily. He didn’t know my big secret yet, and now he was going to find out whether I liked it out not. Eventually he’d realise how screwed up I actually was, only to leave me. I had let myself fall in love too quickly again.

I knew that I was worthless of love and would never feel it again, but Alex had deceived me into thinking that it wasn’t true. But now, as soon as he knew about my medical condition, he’d look at me differently. He was only going to prove my point. Nobody was ever going to want me. I had been used and I wasn’t normal. It just didn’t work like that, people who were different weren’t loved.

Alex decided to just go for it, ignoring Jack’s questioning look as he sat down next to me, inspecting what I was doing. Looking back and forth between the books on the floor and the books on the shelf, he wasn’t sure what was going on. He couldn’t manage to make sense of it at all. At least he was smart enough to realise that it actually had something to do with the books, and not like I threw all my books out of the bookshelf in frustration, just to feel guilty and pick them back up. This was much deeper than that.

“Hey,” he said in a quiet voice, as if he was talking to some small lost child, “what are you doing?”

I didn’t open my mouth and instead placed down the next correct book. If he wanted to figure me out, he was going to have to do it himself. I wasn’t going to tell him everything without having put up a fight myself.

“I can see you’re putting back your books. But you’re not just putting them back…” Alex started thinking out loud, wondering if he would be able to solve this mystery. “You’re actually taking time choosing which book should go next. Wait, let me look again. Animal Farm, Beauty and the Beast… Are they… they are in alphabetical order! But why?”

I pulled out three books with fitting titles. While I wasn’t going to talk to him, it did not mean that my books couldn’t speak for me. Othello, Catching Fire, The DUFF. I handed them one by one to Alex in the right order, hoping he’d understand, but at the same time hoping he wouldn’t ever find out.

I quickly looked away as I handed him the last book, not wanting to see his expression, and saw that Jack had left. I felt a little disappointment, since Jack was the one person I had gone to for help the very first time, but maybe he had realised that this one was for Alex. And maybe it was for the best. I didn’t need two people knowing how fucked up my brain was.

“I don’t know what these mean.” Alex mumbled, sounding defeated even though he hadn’t spent long thinking about it. “How are these connected at all? Othello’s a Shakespeare play, The DUFF is a girly teenage book, and Catching Fire is about a badass girl. I’m pretty sure you’re not trying to tell me you’re a badass girl who is a girly teenager and will play in a Shakespeare play. Not that that isn’t possible, but I don’t feel like that’s what it is. Can you help me out here?”

I picked up another book and put it right next to the last book I had placed on the shelf. That was my hint to him.

“Please, Ash-- Wait, alphabetical order…. C, D, O? What’s that supposed to mean?”

I shrugged, not being able to help in out anymore without giving it away. Instead, I picked up the next book, only to find that the back cover was folded in several ways. It annoyed the hell out of me that the pattern on the back was no longer aligned perfectly anymore. Now I was never going to be able to read the book again in peace. All I was going to be able to think about was that stupid imperfection. I tried and tried to get the corners to straighten out again, but the stupid crease just wouldn’t go away.

I threw the book to the other side of the room out of frustration. I didn’t care that it was one of my favourite books and that I had read it so often already that the pages weren’t as sharp as they used to be anymore. Those stupid wrinkles were going to ruin it for me every single time I saw it again.

Alex looked at me with wide eyes, not having expected such aggression to come out of me. “Woah. Umm… it seems like you’ve got some major-- C D O, OCD… oh my god… Ash…”

I gave myself away.

While Alex was trying to figure out what to do next, I quickly grabbed the books away from him and placed them back into the empty slots. I didn’t know what to do either. I just stared at the disorganized mess in front of me before I finally burst out into tears, still trying to keep them back as much as possible. But as soon as Alex’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his lap, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. All the emotions of that day came out as once.

He just held me, trying to calm me down until he finally decided to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I was already too far in to stop the word vomit that happened as I explained it all. “It started when my mom was dying. I felt like she’d survive if I made sure to always do these small things, for example make sure all our books were alphabetized. But that was just a stupid thing to do, because there was no way she was going to survive. It just drove me insane when she did die. I guess it’s why I’m so ok with her death now, I was never going to let myself go down that road again; it wasn’t my fault, and it also wasn’t hers. I really was fine all that time and never felt any impulses again, but I guess it came back now. I don’t want it to be back, Alex!”

“Shh, it’s ok,” he rubbed my back as I started bawling my eyes out again.

“No, no it’s not. You probably hate me now and realise you made a mistake ever having a crush on me, or kissing me, or having feelings for me, or loving me--”

“I would never regret that, ok? This doesn’t change anything,” he quickly planted a soft kiss on my lips, not wanting to be caught by our friends, “I love everything about you, don’t tell yourself otherwise. All I want to do is help you through this. Luke’s in jail and he isn’t getting out soon, there’s too much evidence. There were some more girls who claimed he’d try to do things. You don’t need to worry about him coming back. He’s gone forever. So, now those two things are covered, let’s get you out of this room, I’ll ask Rian if he will order that bookcase for you, I know he’ll do it as precise as possible.”


	54. And Now Everyone Knows

**Ash's POV**  
I had been working hard on trying to compose another song. For some reason, I had been getting so much inspiration lately. Something in me said that it may or may not have had anything to do with Alex. The songs I used to write were normally sad and emotional, but now they weren’t necessarily like that anymore. It was pretty difficult to write something that explicitly sound happy or in love with just a piano and no other instruments or singing. But that was what I did. I would lock myself up for hours on end, just trying to find notes that fit well together. I just happened to have more inspiration to actually create something that sounded good without having much of a purpose behind it.  
  
Every lunch break, I’d sneak off to the musicroom, taking my seat on the long padded stool, letting my fingers rest on the black and white keys, ready to make them dance along the keyboard. The notes would swirl around the air, creating a beautiful melody that I didn’t even always know. Silence would be filled, the sounds bouncing back off of every object in the room. A smile would creep up on my face as I played the all too familiar instrument again and again.  
  
This was what my OCD was doing. I was telling myself that it wasn’t affecting me, that I wasn’t as crazy as when my mom just died. The obsessive book alphabetizing wasn’t going on anymore, but I just couldn’t keep my hands away from that piano. Something would go wrong if I did. I had to play it. If my hands didn’t graze those keys at least twice a day, I would feel like I was going to go insane. So, every single day, I made sure to use all my free time to play the instrument I loved so much. Nobody seemed to think too much about it, since they just thought I was practicing my ass off.  
  
Today was no different. I went to lunch with Alex, meeting up with Rian, Jack, Lianne and Harper. I ate my food as quickly as possible, giving my leftovers to either Jack or Alex, depending who begged more for it. And in no time, I would already be getting my stuff ready to sneak off to the music room. But I actually sorta made a mistake this time. It wasn’t exactly a bad mistake, but it also wasn’t really intended. Really, I promise you it wasn’t.  
  
Everything I was doing was on autopilot, I basically didn’t have control over my own actions. But I can tell you it definitely shocked my friends and some people surrounding our table.  
  
“Ok, so I’m off again,” I smiled as I picked up my bag, stuffing my water bottle back in it.  
  
“Again?” Jack pouted, but still reached out for the food I hadn’t eaten. “Are you ever going to spend the entire lunch break with us?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jacky,” I returned his pout, “but I’m working on a new song and it’s almost finished.”  
  
“Ok… I’ll see you in music class then. I guess I’ll have to live without you for another half an hour,” he sighed way too dramatically.  
  
I rolled my eyes and giggled, leaning down and giving Alex a quick peck on his lips before rushing towards my most beloved piano.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV**  
I honestly wasn’t thinking when Ash kissed me. It had become such a usual thing for me that I didn’t think twice about it when she suddenly did it in front of the whole school. I actually just turned back to my soggy fries, eating them casually like nothing had happened. To me nothing special really did happen. It wasn’t until I noticed all the stares that I suddenly realised what exactly Ash had done.  
  
When I looked up at Jack who was sitting opposite of me, I saw his surprised and bewildered expression. My eyes went wide when I could suddenly remember the feeling of Ash’s lips against mine. Jack mouthed something along the lines of ‘ _oh my fucking god_ ’, as panic started bubbling in the pit of my stomach. They all knew now.  
  
I scrambled to collect all my belongs together, running to where I knew Ash was. It suddenly seemed like the whole cafeteria was an obstacle course. I ran into every table corner possible, tripped over almost every chair, and it seemed like everybody was trying to hold me back as I clutched my bag to my chest, trying to make it to the music room as fast as possible.  
  
When I burst into the room, the door slamming shut behind me, Ash jumped, turning around to see what the commodity was about. I was completely out of breath from just running that very short distance. Ash just looked at me with an amused look, biting her lips as I tried to regain my composure. It drove me insane whenever she did that, but I was too focus on not passing out than having weird fantasies about her.  
  
“You just-- You-- You-- Cafeteria-- Me--” I managed to stutter out, dropping my bag clumsily to the floor. I didn’t know why I was taken aback so much. The year before, I was kissing girl after girl in front of the whole school, yet it terrified me this time. Maybe it was because Ash was so insistent on keeping it secret for so long.  
  
“Yeah… I know…” Ash mumbled, putting her papers on the piano, but not sitting down on the stool, “I didn’t do it intentionally, it just happened.”  
  
I walked over to her, wrapping her in a hug so that she wouldn’t think I was mad at her or that this was her fault. “I actually didn’t even realise it happened until I noticed everybody was staring at me.”  
  
“Well, then, we’re both oblivious people,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning backwards to see me better.  
  
“Yeah, well, what are we going to do now?” I asked carefully.  
  
“We just deal with it,” she shrugged, “I don’t feel like coming up with some lame excuse. I think it’s time they know. We can’t hide this forever. It will just be so much easier. We won’t have to be careful anymore either. Now’s our chance to tell them.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“If your parents know, our friends should know to,” she smiled and bit her lip again. This time I did let it get to me, and closed the space between us. I pulled her closer as I made our lips meet in a much desired kiss. We weren’t going to have to hide here anymore and do whatever whenever we wanted to. It wasn’t that I would want to make out in front of hundreds of people, but I could still occasionally give her a normal peck. That idea definitely excited me. Now, on another note, a _whole other part_ of me got excited as she started tugging at my hair.  
  
Suddenly there was a loud gasp coming from the door. Ash and I both pulled apart, but didn’t let each other go as we both snapped our heads in the direction of the sound. Jack was stood there with his mouth agape, pointing at us with betrayal in his eyes.  
  
“You guys are--!” He stammered before giving us another soap-opera-worthy gasp.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Ash acted oblivious, but her body was still up against mine and her fingers were still tangled in my hair.  
  
“I came here expecting to have to break up a fight or make you guys talk to each other, but I’m met with this!” He shrieked.  
  
“Met with what?” she raised an eyebrow, “doing this?” Her lips were on mine again, giving me a short yet hot kiss.  
  
Another gasp. “I am so confused right now!”  
  
“Stop playing with him,” I sighed but couldn’t help the smirk that was permanently plastered on my face for the moment.  
  
“Well, Jack, you might want to sit down for this,” Ash giggled, letting go off me, meaning I was left cold. Jack did as he was told, immediately dropping down to one of the chairs at the front of the classroom. Ash clasped her hand together. “So, as you may or may not know, Alex had a humongous crush on me…”  
  
“I- I don’t… maybe.. I don’t… Why would _I_ know?” Jack sputtered, not sure whether or not to confirm my ‘secret’.  
  
“Yes, yes he did,” she sat down on the stage, elbows on her knees, as she lectured Jack, “so, he finally got the balls to do something about it. You see, I was completely oblivious, so I had no clue. But Alex finally made a move, and I was like ‘ugh, fuck it! Why not?’. So, here we are, in this amazing classroom, you just having caught Alex and I making out. Are you following me?”  
  
“What? But--” Jack’s look shifted to me instead, his eyes squinting at me with suspicion. _“You!”_  
  
“You can’t get mad at me,” I raised my hands up in defense, “this happened before you told me to be careful and stay away from her until she was feeling better.”  
  
“You’re not making this any less confusing for me. Just answer these questions. When did this happen? How did this happen? And _why the fuck did I not know about this?!”_  
  
“It happened just after I got the abortion,” Ash told Jack calmly, “I was shaken up about it and Alex came in to help me. He basically used my own trick on me.”  
  
“Trick?”  
  
“Yeah,” I took over now, “the one where she tells a story to calm somebody down. I only decided to use it for something else, basically trying to figure out whether or not I would ever be able to make a move, even if it would only be in ten years or so. But her answer just gave me some confidence and I kissed her--”  
  
“I wasn’t scared for some strange reason,” she interjected before Jack could get mad at me for making such a bold move, “so I figured it was the right thing to do. I don’t regret it at all.”  
  
“Wait, so you were already together when we went to New York?” He suddenly decided was a more important question than knowing why we kept our relationship on the down-low.  
  
I nodded and he broke into a grin. “You sneaky sons of bitches.”  
  
“Yeah, well, he basically saved my life, so it’s only a good thing,” Ash muttered.  
  
Jack gave her a small sympathetic smile before turning back to me, “so now clarify why I didn’t know anything about this? You guys tell me everything!”  
  
“Because I was still unsure at the beginning. I wanted to make sure that it was the right thing to do. I didn’t just be together with Alex for two weeks just to break up with him and then have everything get even worse. But now I’m sure that it’s all good. I was going to talk to Alex about making it public soon, but I guess there’s no point anymore now. Anybody who saw knows.”  
  
“Wait, so I can announce it to the whole world?” I suddenly got very giddy and excited as the first bell to notify everybody had to go back to class rang.  
  
“Yeah, but how were you planning on--”  
  
I ran to the door, opening it with force, already startling some of the students in the hall. I took a step out and a deep breath. “Hey, everybody! _I’m in love with Ash Collins!”_ I shouted as loud as I possibly could, probably making my message be heard throughout the entire school building.  
  
“Thank you, now continue with your day,” I smiled and closed the door again.


	55. We Weren't Always Like This, Sometimes We Change

**Ash's POV**  
The news that Alex and I were together spread around the school quickly. Well, quickly as in five seconds quickly, since Alex decided to announce it by shouting it out throughout the halls. After he did it the first time, I couldn’t stop giggling. Jack was obviously still confused about not realizing anything had happened between me and Alex, but I could tell he was secretly happy for us, no matter how annoyed and angry he tried to seem.  
  
Now, I’d like you to think about the fact that I said 'the _first_ time he announced it'. Because, really, that boy just wouldn’t stop shouting it at every person we met in the hallways. Some just smiled at him, happy for him yet not knowing what to do, others then just frowned at him and walked away, I would sometimes get comments about how they couldn’t believe I had converted Alex into something that wasn’t a fuckboy, and some people just gave Alex one of those bro-hugs. It definitely left a constant blush on my face for the entire day. When I told Alex that there was no point in hiding anymore, I didn’t exactly expect him to go around telling everyone, I was thinking of a more subtle approach where people would have to figure it out themselves.  
  
Oh well, at least we got to act like a couple in public as well now. No more secret dates after school, no more sneaking off the the music room, and no more Jack harassing Alex. Surprisingly I didn’t get any judgemental looks or stares. Everybody was completely fine with me and Alex being together. There were no stupid remarks, and I actually wasn’t bombarded by jealous girls, which obviously was a relief. I guess everybody just saw it coming. Everybody thought Alex’s crush on me was obvious, and I felt absolutely stupid for never even considering it. Sometimes I would wonder what would have happened if Alex and I got together much earlier on. Would I had thought he was weird for crushing on me? Or maybe I would have given him a chance? I honestly didn’t know. Of course I would say I would have dated him now that I actually was dating him, but I was so stubborn when I just came here, not wanting to even think about going out on one date with somebody. Luke helped me break out of that shell, but then pushed me back further than when I started. Alex was the only good doer… for now. I really hoped he wouldn’t turn out to be different than he seemed.  
  
Anyways, our relationship had now been public for a week or two, and things were going pretty well. Alex and I didn’t do the obvious coupley things. We would hold hands occasionally, and maybe quickly kiss each other if we parted ways, but we were by no means that one couple that couldn’t be separated, always had to touch each other in one way or the other, and had full blown makeout sessions right in front of the entire student body. Even if Alex would have wanted that (which he didn’t) I would have told him that there was no way that I was going to be doing that. I just wasn’t the person to rub it in people’s faces and make them uncomfortable. Plus, I also didn’t want all that attention on me. What Alex and I did at home did not have to be shown in the school building. I didn’t mind people knowing, but they did not have to know _that_ much.  
  
Today was the first day I was going to be sleeping over again at somebody else’s house. Well, _‘sleep_ over’ maybe wasn’t the right word. Harper was throwing a party at her house while her parents and brother were out visiting their grandparents (while we still had to go to school for another week before Christmas break, her brother already had vacation). So, Lianne and I decided to come over and help her set up for this most anticipated party. I was basically killing two birds with one stone. This was my first night staying over (if you didn’t count Jack’s place when it all started) and it was my first party as well since the incident. Strangely, I wasn’t afraid at all. I had this new found confidence now that Alex and I were officially public. It was like nothing could take me down.  
  
I got my multiple bags from my locker while Lianne and Harper waited for me in the car. They told me to hurry up, that we needed as much time as possible. Not only did we have to get everything ready for the party, but Harper wanted us to get ready as well, which meant she was going to have to approve of our outfits before she would just force us to wear something she owned.  
  
Alex showed up at his locker, just as I was closing mine. He smiled at me, so I leant against mine and looked at him. “So, you’re coming to Harper’s party right?”  
  
“Yeah,” he chuckled, throwing his books onto a shelf carelessly, “she made it pretty clear that I had to be there, or I was going to be dead to her. But the only reason I’m going is to keep an eye out for you of course.”  
  
“Keep an eye out on me? Boy, if anybody needs to be monitored at a party, it’s you.”  
  
“Shh,” he put a finger to his lips and smirked, “nobody has to know that. It sounds cuter when I want to look out for you than when you are forced to look after an alcoholic like me.”  
  
“You’re not an alcoholic, though,” I quickly pecked him on the lips.  
  
“I’ll try my best not to be, just to impress you,” his stupid grin was still on his face, caressing my cheek to give me a kiss that was just a bit deeper and longer, but nothing too bad, it was still innocent.  
  
“PDA!” Jack screamed as he joined us, “I hate PDA unless it’s me who’s PDAing.”  
  
“Shut up, Barakat,” I laughed before saying goodbye and rushing to the car, where harper wasn’t giving me the happiest look. My short conversation with Alex had obviously made me take too long for her liking. Lianne couldn’t stop laughing whenever she looked at Harper's serious face.  
  
\----  
 **Alex’s POV  
**  
Jack and I went to the party without Rian -- he said he had too much work to do, even though it was a Friday -- however Zack decided to join us again. While he didn’t go to our school, many people did know him just because we always dragged him along. We were also going to make sure he would go to prom with one of the girls of our school, just so we would all have this high school memory together. Everything had been going well with the band, and all our friendship were stronger than ever. We even managed to get a record deal offer, however I still had to talk to my parents about it. The plan was to announce it all on the same day, so we wouldn’t get angry parents who only got to know through somebody else’s parents. They all wanted us to go to college, but to be honest, Rian really was the only one keeping his grades up and thinking about applying.  
  
Surprisingly, I was the one driving today. I had all intentions not to get drunk and not drink anything, just because I knew Ash would do the same. I wasn’t joking when I said I was going to try to behave just for her. I could get pretty loud and obnoxious when I got drunk, which could be funny at times, but super annoying if you didn’t have any alcohol in your system. There were already a couple of cars outside the house, but I could tell the party hadn’t really started yet. Normally we were also those ‘fashionably late’ people, but Harper actually told us to come earlier, just in case more work had to be done. There were probably only around 40 people here already, which really was nothing, especially in a house this size. We entered, the door already being unlocked, and saw some people just standing around with red solo cups.  
  
I immediately made it my mission to go and find Ash. She had to be here somewhere, and it shouldn’t have been to difficult to find her. But the longer I searched, the more people came to the party. The music got louder and louder as there were more voices that it had to overpower. The rooms quickly filled up with sweaty bodies, and there was alcohol everywhere. I didn’t know how it happened, but there were people already drunk dancing on top of tables while I still couldn’t find my girlfriend. It was literally the only thing I was focused on, ignoring all the people who tried to talk to me. I expected it to be a five-second job, but it was almost three hours later.  
  
I decided to give up when I saw Jack standing somewhere, sipping on some drink he had. This was the first time I saw his at a party without a girl around him. He actually wasn’t trying to chat someone up for us. It definitely was a surprise, but I didn’t exactly know whether or not it was a pleasant one. I just went up to him. As badly as I wanted to find Ash, I didn’t think it was going to happen if I kept walking around. Maybe I was always just missing her, or maybe she was always just missing me. It was much better if I just stayed in one room and waited until she came here.  
  
“You look lost,” I patted Jack on his back and took a look at his drink. It looked like Jack and Coke, something he would normally quickly down, but this one seemed untouched.  
  
He shrugged and took another tiny sip, “I guess I am, but you don’t look any better.”  
  
“Yeah, I was trying to find Ash since we came here, but I haven’t even seen a trace of her,” I pouted with a half smile, “I finally get a girlfriend who I’m completely faithful to, and I can’t even seem to find her.”  
  
“That sucks, I guess.”  
  
“Normally, I drink as much as I can and sleep with the next best girl I can find, but I’m obviously not doing that today. Speaking of which, normally you do that as well. Something up, man?”  
  
He seemed to think of telling me something before softly shaking his head and downing his drink in just a couple of gulps. I looked at him with wide eyes, I was definitely not expecting that.  
  
“I’m going to get some more,” he twirled the cup in his hands and went to find the kitchen, barely any emotion showing through. He wasn’t happy, obviously, but he also didn’t show his sadness. But I just shrugged it off, more focused on trying to find that familiar long dark blonde hair. I knew I would be able to see her if I only tried to look out for any sober people. However, that seemed to be a mistake.  
  
“Alex!” Ash slurred as she stumbled over to me, holding a pretty beat up solo cup. She leaned into me, nearly falling over, so I quickly held her sides, trying to keep her upright. “You came!”  
  
Before I could reply in any form, her lips were pressed on mine in a very sloppy and drunken kiss. She really was going for it, holding the back of my head and started off the kiss way too deep. It was like the way I would kiss girls if I wanted to have a drunken one night stand with them.  
  
I carefully pushed her away, but kept hold of her so she wouldn’t suddenly drop down to the floor. “What did you have to drink?” I chuckled awkwardly.  
  
“Just some of this stuff,” she pointed towards her cup, a reddish-orange beverage being it’s contents.  
  
I took it from her and literally took the tiniest sip I could since I wasn’t planning on drinking, but really wanted to know what she was poisoning herself with. It was the sweetest and fruitiest drink I had tasted in awhile. I could tell that although it tasted to harmless, there was definitely way too much alcohol in it. That drink really was deceiving.  
  
“That’s mineee!” Ash whined as she reached out to grab it from me again.  
  
“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” I shook my head and kept it out of her reach, "how many of these have you had?”  
  
She looked like she was thinking and counting, but the amount of time she took was really unsettling. “I don’t know. Maybe six? I-- I wasn’t going to drink,” she got closer, grabbing onto my face for extra support, “But then they gave me this and it was sooooo good. But I think I got carried away… I feel fine, though.”  
  
“Of course you feel fine.” I rolled my eyes and quickly handed the drink to a random passerby. “We should probably get you to bed, you’ll regret this tomorrow morning.”  
  
“You’re taking me to bed?” Her tone suddenly changed, but in a way I had never heard come out of her mouth before.  
  
“Yep.” I tried to ignore the look she was giving me and picked her up bridal style.  
  
Pushing through the crowd, I found the stairs and quickly went upstairs where all the noise died down. There were only a couple of couples here sucking each others faces off, trying to find the nearest possible place to have sex.  
  
“Which bedroom are you staying at?” I asked Ash, hoping we wouldn’t find any uninvited guests.  
  
“Harper’s bedroom.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave we a wet kiss on the cheek.  
  
When I found it, it was locked, however nobody was around. After looking around for a while, and thinking about finding some other place, I found the key hidden on the ledge of the doorway. Clumsily I unlocked the door, still holding Ash in both my hands at the same time. There’s was a mattress on the floor with her bag at the end of it, so I guessed that was where she was going to stay. While I slowly put her down, she kept hold of me, so I couldn’t stand back up and had to keep bent over her in an awkward position.  
  
“You are fucking awesome, Alex,” she mumbled as I tried to peel her arms and hands off me, “really fucking awesome.”  
  
“Great,” I muttered and tried my best to get away, but she only pulled me closer, kissing me.  
  
Once again, is was the most awkward thing ever. Of course I wanted to kiss her back, but she went for too much too soon. She was way too into it, and way too drunk to know what she was doing. When she hooked a leg around my body and pulled me down so I was lying on top of her, I knew things were going wrong. She wasn’t just doing this because she only wanted to kiss me, she was going for more. My head told me to pull away, but my other head told me to keep going. But I had to be the better man.  
  
“No, Ash, not now.” I tried to pry myself away from her, just being able to move my head enough so she couldn’t reach up to kiss me anymore.  
  
“But what if I want to?” She pouted at me sadly, looking offended that I had rejected her. But I knew better than that.  
  
“No, trust me. You don’t want to now. I am not going to let you make such a terrible mistake. I won’t say that I don’t want to, but now is not the time. Maybe later, when you’re sober again, ok?”  
  
But she didn’t reply. When I looked down to see what was going on, I saw she had passed out. I sighed and kissed her forehead before lying down next to her. Moving her body, I got onto the mattress onto my back and turned her so she was sleeping on top of me. I wasn’t going to let her out of my sight when she was like this.  
  
\----  
  
When I woke up the next morning, Ash was still sleeping soundly, but nobody else was in the room. Liannes bed looked untouched, and the sheets on Harper’s bed were out of place meaning she had slept there, but had already woken up. It actually felt good waking up without a hangover for once. However, I couldn’t say the same for Ash. She was going to feel like a truck had hit her.  
  
I carefully got out from underneath her, letting her sleep for longer, and made my way downstairs. Harper was already cleaning up the place, knowing how many more rooms she would have to still do after this one. She noticed me and gave me a small smile.  
  
“Mornin’,” she said in a voice that wasn’t too loud, “how’d ya sleep?”  
  
“It’s refreshing waking up after a party and not having a killer headache and the nausea to accompany it. Ash, however, is going to feel like she is dying,” I answered as I stretched out, my shirt rising a little, “I wasn’t planning on staying, but there was no way I could let her be alone like that.”  
  
“You’re a good boyfriend,” she grinned, still not believing that I finally manned up and had asked Ash out.  
  
“I try,” I smiled back before realising how rude it was for me to just stand around here. “Oh, wait, let me help y--”  
  
There was a loud thundering down the stairs and I turned around to see Jack in completely hysterics. He was swearing pretty loudly at himself. What even happened after I left him? He was still sort of fine the last time I saw him, but now he was having a complete mental breakdown.  
  
“You have to take me home,” he cried out to me, “now.”  
  
“Why?” I was stupid enough to ask, but didn’t know what else to do.  
  
“Please, Alex! I just-- Just-- I made a mistake, a horrible horrible mistake. Shit! I need to-- I-- Fuck!”  
  
“Ok, let’s go,” I ushered him toward my car, looking back at Harper and giving her a sorry look. I completely forgot about the fact that I had left Ash upstairs all alone to fend for herself. Right now, I had to focus on Jack’s well being.  
  
After driving a while, and some more tears from Jack, I finally decided to ask him what had happened. He didn’t have to tell me, but if I wanted to help, I needed to know what was going on.  
  
“I-- I--” He took a deep breath to calm himself down before crossing his arms and resting his head on the dashboard, “I slept with Lianne.”  
  
 _“Well, shit.”_


	56. A Not So Dirty Little Secret

**Ash’s POV  
** Just a week left of school before Christmas break started. It was a much needed break for everyone. We were all over worked, me with trying to keep up with classes and grades, the boys busy writing songs, Lianne trying to figure out her sexuality, and Harper just needed a break from her family. Just one more week of working our butts off and we’d finally get a week and a half off. It wasn’t much, a lot less than what we got in Germany, but it was good enough for me. I was happy if it just meant I could finally recharge and sleep in for a couple of days. At the moment, I was way too fatigued.  
  
This Friday, however, we weren’t going to go to a party. There were enough to go to, but I wasn’t going to let myself get that drunk again. Alex told me everything I had done around him that night, and I surely was embarrassed. If I had been sober at all, I wouldn’t ever had even thought about doing anything like that. Sure, I trusted him 100%, especially after everything he had done for me, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go that far yet. First, I had to express my love to him as well, and then I’d maybe think about it. Well, I wouldn’t think about it, I’d be fine with it happening. I mean, he hadn’t judged me about anything, so maybe he was the right person to try again with. I didn’t really know, I just wasn’t ready at that moment yet.  
  
So, we didn’t go to a party, but we decided to go to a lake, just the seven of us. It was this secluded place up in the woods, in between all the trees. The path that once led there was overgrown and barely existed anymore. Nobody even knew about it, except a handful of people, Alex and Jack being two of them.  
  
Jack had managed to persuade his mom to let him borrow the minivan again and we quickly filled the back with some cozy blankets, a couple of fold up chairs, and two six packs of beer, courtesy of Zack’s older sister. Of course that meant that one of us had to stay sober, and Rian happily offered to take that role, once again staying out of the drinking for the night. I would have volunteered, but I couldn’t exactly legally drive here, so it was better that I’d just stay quiet. That didn’t mean I was actually planning on drinking two cans of beer. Not that I would get drunk from that, but because I just didn’t feel like it. I just wanted to stay away from alcohol for a while, which was why we also brought some soda with us.  
  
We managed to park the car somewhere on the side of the road before having to find our way through the tangled mess of trees. At least it hadn’t snowed yet, or the path would have become ten times more dangerous. The leaves and twigs cracked underneath our heavy shoes, Alex and I trailing behind while holding each other’s hands. Normally places like this would have scared me, shadows lurking at every tree, but I strangely felt at peace with my boyfriend next to me and my best friends leading the way. Nothing could ruin this night, nothing at all.  
  
Pushing the last painful twig to the side we made it to the open space with the lake in the middle. An old rubbly dock was still standing with all its might, trying to withstand the elements that tried to make it collapse, the green moss long having taken over the original oak wood color. The ice hadn’t managed to create its blanket yet, only tickling at the side of the water, nearly breaking when a leaf fell on it. If it were summer, I would have ran down that green grass and hopped into the shallow water, seeking for refreshment. But now it was just a place to admire from a safe distance. I could tell the water would nip at my skin until I was numb if I kept my finger in long enough.  
  
Jack was quick to open five cans of beer, handing them out to everyone who wanted one. The cracking of the aluminium echoed from the endless barrier of trees as the pressure in the cans was released with just the pull of a tab. The coke I was handling with care seemed to be just as satisfying as the alcoholic beverage, as we all gathered around in our winter coats and scarves. Something needed to be celebrated, but we didn’t know exactly what. There was too much coming up.  
  
“To it almost being your birthday!” I exclaimed and looked at Alex, holding up my can that held an innocent drink along with Rian, while the others held up their alcoholic beverage.  
  
All the metal containers were quickly brought to our lips as we each took a drink. Alex slipped his arm around my waist, bringing me closer to his side so I was pressed into him. Before I had time to look up at him with a smile, my drink was replaced with his lips, pressing a sweet, but not all too innocent, kiss to my mouth.  
  
“You taste like coke,” he mumbled.  
  
“You taste like beer,” I whispered and bit my lip.  
  
“Geez,” Zack scoffed, “I wondered why that would be? I mean, would somebody _please_ call the emergency services!”  
  
I pulled away from Alex to look at Zack with wide eyes. “He speaks!”  
  
“Of course I speak!” He faked being seriously offended by my comment, but tried to make it seem as realistic as possible. “You just never happen to be around when I have something to say.”  
  
I pouted, trying to get him to apologize for what he said, rather than me apologizing for my comment. I just needed to see if I could guilt trip him like I could guilt trip Jack. It would be pretty useful to get a couple of guys to make it easier for me to get something if I needed it. You know, like protecting me when needed.  
  
“Oh no, now you’ve made her sad,” Rian shook his head, “Alex, go make her happy.”  
  
And that’s what Alex tried to do by trying to slip his hands underneath my jacket and tickle me. He succeeded at first, but I quickly jumped away from him before he could continue. I ran as fast as I could, nonstop giggles escaping my mouth, not looking behind me to see how close by he was. However, I could hear how close his footsteps were, his breathing nearly tickling the hairs on the back of my neck.  
  
Eventually, I managed to run into a dead end. I either had to run onto that forgotten dock and risk falling through, or I had to be caught by Alex. It is obvious which one I was going to choose. Quickly turning around and coming to a stop, Alex nearly collided into me. When his arms came up to wrap around me, I tried to duck underneath them and run once again, but I managed to slip, causing us both to topple over. As Alex’s body hit the cold floor, I fell right on top of him, my weight hitting him in all the wrong parts.  
  
He groaned loudly as I rolled off him, my laughter filling the air. I knew I shouldn’t be laughing at him when he was literally on the floor, holding his crotch in pain, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the irony. Just a couple months before, that had been Jack, the guy he had been jealous of. I guess Alex wasn’t exactly jealous of everything, but he still got the whole package.  
  
I got up and held my hand out the help him up as well. At least he wasn’t making as much drama as Jack was. He took my hand, and let me pull him up, trying to ignore that pain that was still there. But, as soon as we started walking, he held on to me and started walking funny.  
  
“Goddammit,” he grumbled, keeping his legs far apart from each other, “I didn’t need you breaking my dick today; I’d still like to use it.”  
  
A while later, we had managed to start a small fire at a makeshift fireplace, where the guys had made one before. We all sat around the fire, trying to heat ourselves up, occasionally talking as one big group, and other times having our own private conversations. Alex had trusted me to sit in his lap again, but only after the pain was no longer there -- which took a while, I was just sitting on a blanket with my back against his legs before -- and we were cuddled up together.  
It was that moment when I decided it was time.  
  
“Hey, Alex?” I sighed into his neck, losing my grip on him just a bit to get his attention, “can I talk to you? Like… alone?”  
  
“Yeah…” He picked me up and walked me over closer to the border of trees, somewhere where our friends couldn’t hear us.  
  
After he set me down onto my own feet and I looked up at him to see him staring at me already, I suddenly realised I really had had to prepare what I wanted to say. I was just frozen, not sure how to get the words out of my mouth. My mouth wouldn’t even open, when I quickly looked down at the ground as if there would be a cheat sheet for me there. I never did this before, I didn’t know how to do it. They really had to give classes about these important life events. It wasn’t something I wanted to fuck up.  
  
“Ash, is everything ok?” Alex decided to speak up, starting to get worried because of my silence. He ran a hand through my hair before slowly lifting my head to look up at him. “You know you can tell me everything.”  
  
I just nodded, the nerves running through my whole body. I couldn’t just back out. Not only would I disappoint myself by doing that, but it would keep Alex worried forever, he would never believe me even when I actually told him what I wanted to say. I had to do it now, or live with the consequences.  
  
“Really, Ash, you’re starting to scare me,” he whispered, his voice still shaking despite his quiet tone, “you know I love you.”  
  
I let out a sigh of relief and couldn’t help but grin as I looked up at Alex again. He seemed so confused, not understanding what had suddenly switched my mood in a split second. But he just set up something to make it easy for me to say what I wanted to. I no longer had to start it myself.  
  
“I love you too,” I smiled as a blush crept onto my cheeks. I knew I didn’t need to be embarrassed around Alex, but I couldn’t help it. This was quite a big confession.  
  
“Wait, what? Are you… Are you saying that…?”  
  
 _“I love you,”_ I told him this time, caressing both his cheeks with my hands as I stood on my toes to initiate a sweet and loving kiss. Alex craned his neck down so it was easier for me to reach and wrapped his own arms around my waist, interlocking his finger behind my back.  
  
This was the first kiss where we both knew we loved each other. I know we were both still young, but it felt right to me. Adults tell us we don’t know what it’s like. But when do you? When is that magical moment when you’re suddenly old enough to understand it? It isn’t about age, it’s about what you feel. And what I felt with Alex was right. I didn’t have these heart flutters for no reason.  
  
The rest of the night, we couldn’t stay away from each other. His lips were on mine whenever neither of us were talking. Everybody around us could tell something was going on, but not exactly what. They just dealt with our constant kissing. Even in the car ride home -- Alex and I sat in the very back by ourselves so nobody had to deal with our PDA -- Rian would gives us occasional glances through the rearview mirror, and Jack had given up on teasing us. Nothing was going ruin this moment.


	57. Misunderstandings in So Many Ways

**Ash’s POV  
** The Monday after our gathering at the lake, I was immediately pulled away from Alex as soon as we entered the school building hand in hand. Harper and Lianne were dragging me further and further from Alex as he was being lead somewhere by Rian and Jack. We both pouted at each other until we were both turned around. I didn’t know where this was going, but I could tell that it wasn’t anything too bad, but that didn’t mean all of it was good. Harper eventually let me go when we were around the corner, in another hallway with lockers, with an evil smirk on her face.  
  
“So, how was it?” She nudged me with her arm, giving me a wink.  
  
I frowned at her, rubbing my own arm as if it would get rid of her awkward touch, “how was what?”  
  
“Friday night!” She exclaimed, not making it any less vague for me, but she thought I knew exactly what she meant.  
  
“It was good…?” I mumbled with a questioning tone, guessing she meant hanging out with everybody. I didn’t understand where she was coming from. She was there as well, why would she want to know how it was? There was no way she had managed to get drunk by drinking two beers, especially drunk enough to forget everything. Was I missing something?  
  
“I knew it!” She giggled giddily, letting out a small squeal of excitement. “You have to tell me _everything!”_  
  
My eyebrows were still furrowed as my eyes went wide, trying to figure out why this would make her so excited. Lianne was just shaking her head, patting Harper on her shoulder to see if she would calm down, even if it were just slightly. Random students looked in our direction as they walked past with their books, also wanting to know what the noise was about.  
  
Before I could find it out myself, however, Jack and Rian came back with Alex, Jack pouting as if he had just heard some bad news.  
  
“You guys are no fun,” he muttered and stomped his foot, letting go of Alex’s collar, which he was holding to drag him along once again. However, when he saw how harper was acting, his pout turned into pursed lips. “Wait… something tells me something else had been said here.”  
  
“You told them we had sex?” Alex looked at me with shock, his mouth just slightly ajar.  
  
“Wait, _what?!”_ I shouted just a bit too loud, throwing my hand up in frustration. “I am so confused right now!”  
  
“I basically asked if you and Alex had sex, and you basically confirmed it,” Harper answered in a matter-of-fact tone, like nothing was going to tell her that it didn’t happen.  
  
“You never asked anything like that,” I shook my head, ready to show that she was wrong on every level, “and I never said anything like that happened!”  
  
“Well, you said it was fun!”  
  
“No, I gave you a generalized answer because I had no idea what you were talking about.”  
  
“It didn’t sound like that.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
“I don’t know what you were imagining,” Lianne interjected, acting as my witness, “but it did sound like she was pretty confused. You were hearing what you wanted to hear.”  
  
“You guys are no fun!” Harper now pouted, stomping her foot just like Jack did, crossing her arms to make it even more dramatic.  
  
“I was worried for a second there,” Alex sighed in relief with a chuckle, putting his hand to his heart, “I thought I missed a milestone in our relationship.”  
  
“Shut up,” I grumbled and hit his chest.  
  
\----  
  
Harper, Lianne and I were all sat in the living room, three glasses on the coffee table, as we were talking about anything we could think of. The boys were at Rian’s, practising their asses off since they had a show to play straight after the Christmas break. Of course they could have met up everyday during the vacation and practise those songs, but that would only work if they actually all were at home. You see, Alex and I were going to Germany to visit my family while his parents went to England. I was so excited to finally see my brothers and dad again. It had nearly been five months since I last saw them. What better time to visit them than during Christmas?  
  
Alex and I had already gone out to buy a couple of small gifts for my brothers. It was mainly just American candy that you couldn’t buy in Europe unless it was imported and pretty expensive. I was basically just going to bring a suitcase full of sweets for them. My dad was going to hate me for promoting and encouraging them to get sugar rushes. Seriously, they wouldn’t eat small amount at a time. Those boxes would be empty before Alex and I would leave to go back home.  
  
Little did Alex know that I had been saving up for a surprise. Instead of getting him a lame gift for his birthday and one for Christmas, I decided to combine them together and spend the money on one thing.  
  
Anyway, back to the events in the living room. Harper was going on and on about this new guy she was seeing. She wasn’t like Alex and Jack (or at least what Alex used to be like), she didn’t sleep with one guy and then move on. It just happened that she wasn’t that good at keeping relationships for a long time. They just always ended after a couple of weeks, the longest she ever had was when she was 16 and it was only two months long.  
  
“Hey, Harper, how about we do not talk about Bryce, or Bruce, or Brian, or whatever his name was again,” Lianne suggested, moving out of her sitting position and stretching out, “let’s do something else, something I can also participate in. You guys both have boyfriends, but I’m still a single pringle.”  
  
“I’d help you out, but I don’t know any girls who are either bisexual or lesbian,” Harper scratched her head, not liking the fact that she couldn’t play matchmaker, “I assume you’re still only going for girls?”  
  
“Well, yeah,” Lianne shrugged and sat back down before shifting uncomfortably, “But, I mean… Maybe… No, nevermind.”  
  
“You can’t do that! You either spill it, or not say anything at all.”  
  
I reached out to grab my glass of water while watching the scene develop in front of me. These two could go on and on, acting like a paranoid married couple. I was actually surprised they never drunkenly hooked up.  
  
“Ok, well, I’m 100% sure I don’t like him that way,” Lianne sighed, running a hand through her hair in frustration, her cheeks burning a light shade of red, “but I _think_ I slept with Jack on the night of your party.”  
  
I spit out my drink, spraying the water all over myself and the couch. My eyes were wide and I immediately felt bad for Jack. Lianne probably didn’t even know how bad this was. She probably just thought it was the two-friends-have-sex-and-now-it’s-awkward problem, but actually it was much more than that. Jack still had feeling for her and was trying to get over it, but something like this wouldn’t help that at all.  
  
“Oh god,” Harper whispered in a panicked tone, making me wonder if she knew as well, for all I knew I was the only one who knew Jack’s secret, “that’s why he… oh god. Lianne, I’m pretty sure you slept with him.”  
  
“Fuck,” she groaned and rubbed her eyes, “but, I don’t remember anything, and Jack never brought it up. So, it’s probably all fine. There’s nothing to worry about… right?”  
  
“Umm, let’s watch a movie,” I suggested, standing up to turn on the TV.  
  
“Guys…?”  
  
“Yeah, a movie sounds good.” Harper smiled, acting like nothing had happened “Let’s watch some stupid chick flick so I can rant about how stupid all the characters are. The ending always manages to touch my heart, but their action beforehand make me want to punch a wall.”  
  
Lianne stayed quiet while we were in the process of choosing which movie to watch. We tried to get her to participate, but she was obviously busy with something else. Harper and I both shared a look, and I knew we were thinking the same thing, we couldn’t tell Lianne how bad this actually was, how badly it actually could have affected Jack. I just hoped watching this movie would take our minds off of it.  
  
Eventually, we put on a DVD, the startup menu showing on the screen, cheesy music coming out of the speakers. We were about to hit play, when the front door suddenly shut. I could immediately tell it wasn’t Isobel or Peter, since they would have shouted a hello or at least make their presence known. The only other person this could be was Alex or somebody breaking in. But when the familiar figure of my boyfriend walked into the living room, a smile immediately spread across my face.  
  
“Hey, guys,” Alex waved, taking a quick glance at the TV and raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Hey, you gonna join us?” Harper turned around at a weird angle to look at him. “We were just about to watch this shitty movie.”  
  
“I don’t know…” he squinted his eyes and shook his head, “it seems like you guys are doing just fine just having a girl’s evening.”  
  
“Awe, come on, don’t tell me you are going to leave your girlfriend all alone on the cold empty couch. You can’t use the homework excuse, because I know you never do it, Gaskarth.”  
  
“Ugh, fine, but only because I’m too afraid you’ll hurt me,” he gave in and sat down in the corner of the couch, getting comfortable before pulling me into his lap.  
  
“Hey, Alex?” Lianne suddenly said out of nowhere, “Do you know if I slept with Jack?”  
  
“Umm…” he seemed uncomfortable, but unlike Harper and I, he wasn’t going to ignore it or bend around the bush. After rubbing the back of his neck, he told her the truth, “yeah, he, umm, kinda freaked out about it.”  
  
“Oh…. shit.”


	58. Are We Really Going This Far?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Smut Warning*

**Ash's POV  
 _*Smut Warning*  
_**  
“So, what do you want to do today?” I asked Alex as we were both lying down on one of the couches in the family living room.  
  
My brothers and dad went out for some last minute Christmas shopping, only coming back home late since they went out of town for it. Alex and I decided to stay back and catch up on our jetlag. It was one in the afternoon and we were still in our pajamas.  
  
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, putting his phone down, “I’d say sleep for a bit longer, but we have to beat this jetlag or we will never be awake during the day.”  
  
“We could go out to a bar or something,” I suggested, sitting up and stretching out, my shirt riding up my stomach.  
  
“A bar? What-- Oh, wait we’re in Germany… forgot the legal drinking age is 16. Not that I would have said no if we were back home.” He smirked, not showing any signs of getting up soon.  
  
“Well, are we going to go or not?”  
  
“Why the hell not, gotta have some German beer while I’m here,” he finally got off the couch, an indent left in the cushioning, “but first I’d like to put on some clothes.”  
  
“I was actually thinking of going in our pajamas,” I rolled my eyes and giggled, dragging him up to my room again. If I wasn’t going to make him do stuff, we’d never get out of this house.  
  
I didn’t mind changing in front of Alex anymore. I always used to be wary, either asking him to leave the room, or going to the bathroom myself, but now all I did was turn around so my back was facing him. He didn’t get to see anything except for my bare back, and everytime I forgot to bring something with me, I’d ask him to close his eyes (especially if it was my bra). It worked out well. Slowly but surely, I was becoming more and more comfortable around Alex. It was nice not having to be so paranoid the entire time.  
  
This time, I managed to get dressed before Alex did. Normally he would be waiting for me, but apparently he wasn't so used to having to choose clothes from a suitcase. I turned around to expect him to be fully clothed, but he was just standing there in his boxers, just having taken a shirt out of his bag. A blush formed on my face as he didn’t notice me and pulled his shirt on. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think he was very, very hot. Some people might even say I was turned on by seeing him half naked, but that realisation didn’t even occur to me.  
  
“Oh great,” Alex sighed, “you’re fully clothed and I’m standing here in a shirt and my boxers. The world is backwards today!”  
  
“Just hurry up,” I chuckled and could help but stare secretly as he bent down to find his jeans.  
  
When he picked them up, and tugged them out of the suitcase where they were stuck underneath something. When he finally got them free, something flew out of his pockets and fell on the floor. I could immediately tell what it was. There was no way that that was a candy wrapper, trust me. Anybody could tell what it was. I just didn’t understand why he would have that in his jeans’ pocket.  
  
“Fuck,” he whispered before scrambling to pick it up, “I, umm, I… It isn’t what you think? My, umm, dad gave it to me at the airport. He, umm, thought that we would, umm, you know. And umm, yeah, I just…”  
  
“Oh, ok,” I nodded, not thinking it was such a big deal, “My dad forced one in my hand as well on the day we arrived.”  
  
He chuckled awkwardly, not understanding how I was so cool about it, “I guess they think we are a pair of hormonal teenagers.”  
  
I watched as he quickly and clumsily put on his jeans. “Aren’t we a pair of hormonal teenagers?”  
  
“Are we?” Alex snapped his head towards me, his eyes wide with an emotion I couldn’t identify.  
  
“I mean, hormones control nearly all our bodily functions…” I innocently explained.  
  
“Oh yeah, right. So, umm, how about we go to that bar you were talking about?”  
  
\----  
  
When we got back to my house, we went straight up to my bedroom again. All we were planning on doing was lounging on my bed while trying our best not to fall asleep. We didn’t have much to drink, not planning on coming home drunk and have my dad be disappointed in us. Alex was tempted however, telling me how much better the beer was here than in America. I couldn’t agree more.  
  
However, when I saw Alex walk into my room first, I couldn’t get the image of him being half naked in front of me. The image had popped up occasionally in my head, but I always managed to shake it off. This time is was permanent. I had seen him in his boxers or swim shorts before, but they always left me embarrassed and ashamed, but this image, it was giving such different feelings.  
  
“You know, I’m really glad you asked me to come with you,” Alex smiled, waltzing over to me, “I like it here and I like spending time with you.”  
  
When his arms circled around me and his lips carefully touched mine, I couldn’t help but bring him closer. My hand traveled up his long back, finally resting on his shoulders, allowing me to deepen the kiss and move to tug his hair a little. I could feel Alex was fighting back a moan, not wanting to succumb to the feelings he always tried to suppress during our makeout sessions. But something in me wanted him to let those out this time. I pushed him towards my bed, so that I was sitting in his lap, straddling him as his hands were on my hips.  
  
“We-- we should probably stop,” he breathed out, panting to catch his breath again.  
  
I climbed off him, acting like I was listening to him, but once I was sat next to him, I pulled him towards me so I could continue to kiss him. Rather than not knowing what I was doing, I was going to let Alex take control. He melted into me, before scolding himself and pulling away again.  
  
“You’re going to make this too difficult for me,” he whispered, still only inches away from me, looking in my eyes. I could feel his hot breath against my skin.  
  
Something in me made me make a giant leap. “But what if I want to?”  
  
“Make this too difficult for me?” He frowned, his hands still on me. If only I could get him to move those hands in a way only he could that made me shiver in a good way.  
  
“Well, that’s mean--” realisation suddenly hit him, “oh. Wait. Are you sure?”  
  
I nodded, and reached out so I could resume kissing him. It started off sweet to comfort him, but once it got more heated, he could tell I really did want to do it, that I wasn’t just saying this because I knew he wanted to have sex. He had wanted this since he met me, but it was only now that I was ready. And I really, really was ready.  
  
His shirt came off, allowing my hands to roam the torso that I was fantasizing about just minutes before. Embracing him in this way was something I never did before, but I liked it. It allowed me to be just a bit more personal with him. However, when he started pulling at the hem of my shirt, I immediately pushed his hands away. It was something I did subconsciously. All I could remember was Luke ripping off my shirt in one go.  
  
But this was Alex, I could trust him.  
  
“Ash, are you really sure you want to do this? I don’t want you doing anything you’re not ready for yet,” Alex sighed. He didn’t sound disappointed, but concerned, really afraid he was going too far.  
  
“Yeah, umm, just let me take off my own clothes,” I mumbled with a small blush, feeling embarrassed for not wanting him to take off my clothes, but being ok with him having sex with me. I took off my shirt, immediately making Alex stare at me.  
  
“Ok, but only if--”  
  
I unclasped my bra as well, making it drop to the floor. Alex let out a shaky breath, shaking his head while his eyes were fixated on my breasts. I couldn’t help but bite my lip, knowing that I had this effect on him.  
  
“I’m convinced,” he gulped, slamming his lips against mine in a hasty kiss.  
  
He pushed me up the bed further, so my head was on the pillows, allowing him to hover better over me, his lower body on top of mine. I could feel his excitement grow as he hands traveled up to meet with my breasts. A moan escaped my throat as he managed to already make me feel things I never felt before. His hands were all over me, touching me, and I couldn’t get enough.  
But, just as I was going to let out another pleasured sound, he ripped away from me. “Wait, where’s the condom. We need the condom.”  
  
“On my desk,” I pointed at the piece of furniture, realising I was shaking, but it felt good, way too good.  
  
Alex quickly climbed off me, running to the desk and finding the one my dad had given to me. He shrugged off his jeans as he made his way back over to me. This time, the sight of him made me blush even more. Not only was he half naked, but he was obviously aroused, his boxers standing up like a tent. He focused completely on me, though, and got back on top of me, making sure he wasn’t hurting me or making me uncomfortable.  
  
“I’d take your jeans off now, but…”  
  
I nodded, undoing the button and zipper, pushing down my jeans just one third down my thighs, “you-- you can do the rest, if you want…”  
  
He smiled, kissing me slowly before focusing his attention on pulling off my jeans. When the fabric was finally off me, he started working his way up again, kissing all the scars I had on my thighs from the sharp knife Luke had hurt me with. Alex was trying to fix them all, trying to make me forget about their presence. For the first time I felt loved again, loved in every way possible.  
  
His hands traveled up the rest of the way before resting in between my legs, creeping under my panties. My eyes went wide at his touch. It was then that I realised I really didn’t know a thing about sex. I thought it was supposed to be rushed, in, out, done and over with, but Alex didn’t make it seem that way at all. He was actually making me feel good, earning a moan from me when he let his fingers make the right movement.  
  
“Is-- is this ok?” He asked quietly, looking up at me.  
  
I nodded quickly, only catching a quick glimpse of his face, before pushing myself back into the pillows, my back arching and my mouth opening wide in pleasure. He didn’t even understand how much I was enjoying this right now. He was worried, but to be honest, there was no reason to. He knew what he was doing, making me feel good in all the right places.  
  
There was a light tugging on the last piece of clothing I was wearing, before that was also pulled down my legs. Kisses started trailing up my bare torso, up in between my breasts, along my jawline before coming back onto my lips.  
  
“Are you sure you still want to do this?” He double checked another time.  
  
I just nodded for the millionth time that day. With how far we had gotten this time, I couldn’t even think about backing out. I was too far in the pleasure to suddenly not want it anymore.  
  
“Ok, then.” He pushed himself up to shakingly take off his boxers, giving me a full view of his entire figure and body.  
  
 _Holy shit._ He was naked. I was naked. We were both naked. This was the most vulnerable I could be, but all I could think about was how much I wanted him, craved him.  
  
Pushing up fully, so he was now kneeling in the space just between my legs, he grabbed the wrapper that he had put on the other side of my bed, ripping it open and taking out the weird looking object. I watched as he rolled the condom on himself, fascinated by how he managed to do it so swiftly.  
  
He went back to hovering over me, placing an elbow on either side of my head. “You are really sure?”  
  
I wrapped my legs around his torso instead of giving him a verbal answer. He just needed to get it on already. Being worried was cute at the beginning, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I craved that contact I had never felt. All I needed was him to help me with it, creating this new connection we didn’t have before.  
  
He took the hint, and made sure he was aligned properly. My arms went underneath his arms, my hands resting on his shoulders, as I braced myself for the pain I felt last time. I didn’t care how much this was going to hurt, I still wanted to do this.  
  
However, when he finally pushed into me, I couldn’t feel anything but immense pleasure. I gasped, my fingers already digging into his skin. Was this really what it was supposed to feel like? Was it really this amazing?  
  
“Oh, shit, I’m hurting you, aren’t I?” Alex immediately stopped moving. “We probably shouldn’t do--”  
  
“Shut the fuck up, Alex,” I breathed, quickly moving my hands off his body to grab his face instead, making his lips fall in sync with mine.  
  
Automatically, he began thrusting in and out, causing me to make small noises every time he made a small movement, making all my senses go in overdrive. This was what my first time was supposed to be like; with somebody I loved, trusted, and somebody who would be gentle while also knowing what they were doing. Alex was the guy who I wanted all my firsts to be with.  
  
His breath mixed with mine, creating a strong sweet smell of the actions going on in my bedroom. I went back to tug on his hair, making him groan in physical pleasure, speeding his pace up a little.  
  
But that’s when it started going wrong.  
  
I didn’t know what was going on back then, but all the feelings were building up, creating a large pressure throughout me. My breathing was laboured, making it difficult for me to catch my breath anymore. Anxiety immediately rushed through me, thinking I was doing something wrong. I wanted to feel a calm sense of pleasure the entire time, not some heavy feeling at the bottom of my stomach.  
  
“Alex,” I staggered, pushing my hands softly against his chest, “”sto-op.”  
  
He immediately did so, looking down at me with a nervous expression, afraid he was doing something wrong. “Too much?”  
  
“Too much,” I whispered with a nod, embarrassed that I was making him stop before he could even reach his release.  
  
He pulled out of me, but that didn’t help get rid of that strange feeling going on inside of me -- if anything, it only made it worse.  
  
“It’s ok,” he brushed a hand through my sweaty hair, “there’s nothing wrong with not wanting it anymore, you get to say stop whenever you want. I understand.”  
  
He went to roll off me and lie down beside me, but I held onto him, keeping him in place. “Just wait a bit…” I mumbled, “Just let me catch my breath, and we can continue.”  
  
“You don’t have to do this for me.”  
  
I shook my head and smiled, reaching out to kiss him again.  
  
\----  
  
We fell asleep after having started again. It didn’t take long for me to feel comfortable enough to keep going. Alex had managed to find his release while I was happy with the way everything had gone. I was on his chest, my eyes shut and having drifted off to the sound of his heartbeat, while Alex didn’t take much longer to start snoring gently. If we weren’t as tired as we were I would have known better than to be in my bed, completely naked, with the door unlocked. Something was bound to happen with the way everything seemed too perfect to be true.  
  
I didn’t know how late it was, but suddenly my door opened loudly and one of my brothers walked in. I jumped awake, seeing it was the oldest, Jaxon. His face showed panic when he saw two naked bodies in bed, quickly turning around so he didn’t have to be scarred any further. Alex was trying to cover me up, by I threw the duvet at him instead, knowing that my brothers had seen me naked many times before when we were younger. I didn’t necessarily like them seeing me like this, but I was fine with it if it needed to happen.  
  
“I didn’t see anything!” Jaxon was quick to blurt out, covering his eyes even though he wasn’t facing us anymore, “you guys were just taking an innocent nap, because yeah, and…. Dinner’s ready.”  
  
“Please don’t tell dad,” I quickly requested anyway.  
  
“Why would I want to tell him?” He squeaked out, feeling way too uncomfortable to stay here any longer, “I’ll just say you guys just woke up, but I’m not responsible for covering you guys if you take too long.”  
  
With that, he rushed out of my room, slamming the door closed behind him.  
  
“Did that just happen?” Alex asked me, still half asleep.  
  
“I think it did…” I sighed, slowly getting off my bed and starting to put my underwear back on.  
  
“And he isn’t going to blackmail you?”  
  
“No, why?”  
  
He got up as well, searching for a new pair of boxers, “because that’s what most siblings do.”  
  
“I guess we don’t do that,” I shrugged, “plus, is there anything more awkward for a thirteen year old to talk to their parents about sex? Do you really think he’ll willingly go up to my dad and say ‘hey, my sister had sex with her boyfriend, I don’t know why I told you, but still’. No, nobody would do that, especially not a thirteen year old.”  
  
“He could still blackmail you, though,” Alex pointed out, quickly changing into a shirt and some sweatpants, making the fact that all we did was ‘fall asleep’ more believable.  
  
“But why would he want to? We never hold grudges against each other. But if he suddenly does, I’ve got some dirt about him too, so we’re in the clear.” I quickly ran a brush through my hair so the knots and tangles weren’t visible anymore. It would have been a clear give away.  
  
“Well, let’s go downstairs before your dad thinks we’re up here making out or something, not that I would mind doing that…”  
  
I shook my head in disbelief and dragged him along with me, rushing downstairs so they wouldn’t start eating without us. My dad was just putting a large bowl of plain pasta on the table. It seemed like too much food for us all, but since I was the only girl, I knew how quickly it would be all finished.  
  
“Some wild sleeper aren’t you, Alex?” Dad chuckled, pointing at Alex’s sex hair.  
  
His eyes went wide, realising he forgot to fix his hair before coming downstairs, but he still managed to cover up with a small white lie. “Yeah, I either seem like I’m dead, not moving an inch, or I just keep tossing and turning. There’s no in between. I guess you’re all lucky to see me like this today.”  
  
Jaxon started choking on his water, only being able to think of seeing Alex naked for a split second. I guess you could say he wasn’t lucky to see Alex like that today. “Water… wrong pipe… I’m ok.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and gave him a light painless smack against the head. Just because he wasn’t going to tell, didn’t mean that all the awkwardness he was feeling didn’t exist.  
  
“Hey, Ash, have you seen any ghosts while we were out?” Charley asked, not realising what basically had just happened in front of him.  
  
“No, I’m sorry bud,” I ruffled his hair as I walked past his chair, sitting down opposite of him, “but I’ll make sure to look out for them next time.”


	59. Are We Really Going This Far?

**Ash's POV  
 _*Smut Warning*  
_**  
“So, what do you want to do today?” I asked Alex as we were both lying down on one of the couches in the family living room.

My brothers and dad went out for some last minute Christmas shopping, only coming back home late since they went out of town for it. Alex and I decided to stay back and catch up on our jetlag. It was one in the afternoon and we were still in our pajamas.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, putting his phone down, “I’d say sleep for a bit longer, but we have to beat this jetlag or we will never be awake during the day.”

“We could go out to a bar or something,” I suggested, sitting up and stretching out, my shirt riding up my stomach.

“A bar? What-- Oh, wait we’re in Germany… forgot the legal drinking age is 16. Not that I would have said no if we were back home.” He smirked, not showing any signs of getting up soon.

“Well, are we going to go or not?”

“Why the hell not, gotta have some German beer while I’m here,” he finally got off the couch, an indent left in the cushioning, “but first I’d like to put on some clothes.”

“I was actually thinking of going in our pajamas,” I rolled my eyes and giggled, dragging him up to my room again. If I wasn’t going to make him do stuff, we’d never get out of this house.

I didn’t mind changing in front of Alex anymore. I always used to be wary, either asking him to leave the room, or going to the bathroom myself, but now all I did was turn around so my back was facing him. He didn’t get to see anything except for my bare back, and everytime I forgot to bring something with me, I’d ask him to close his eyes (especially if it was my bra). It worked out well. Slowly but surely, I was becoming more and more comfortable around Alex. It was nice not having to be so paranoid the entire time.

This time, I managed to get dressed before Alex did. Normally he would be waiting for me, but apparently he wasn't so used to having to choose clothes from a suitcase. I turned around to expect him to be fully clothed, but he was just standing there in his boxers, just having taken a shirt out of his bag. A blush formed on my face as he didn’t notice me and pulled his shirt on. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think he was very, very hot. Some people might even say I was turned on by seeing him half naked, but that realisation didn’t even occur to me.

“Oh great,” Alex sighed, “you’re fully clothed and I’m standing here in a shirt and my boxers. The world is backwards today!”

“Just hurry up,” I chuckled and could help but stare secretly as he bent down to find his jeans.

When he picked them up, and tugged them out of the suitcase where they were stuck underneath something. When he finally got them free, something flew out of his pockets and fell on the floor. I could immediately tell what it was. There was no way that that was a candy wrapper, trust me. Anybody could tell what it was. I just didn’t understand why he would have that in his jeans’ pocket.

“Fuck,” he whispered before scrambling to pick it up, “I, umm, I… It isn’t what you think? My, umm, dad gave it to me at the airport. He, umm, thought that we would, umm, you know. And umm, yeah, I just…”

“Oh, ok,” I nodded, not thinking it was such a big deal, “My dad forced one in my hand as well on the day we arrived.”

He chuckled awkwardly, not understanding how I was so cool about it, “I guess they think we are a pair of hormonal teenagers.”

I watched as he quickly and clumsily put on his jeans. “Aren’t we a pair of hormonal teenagers?”

“Are we?” Alex snapped his head towards me, his eyes wide with an emotion I couldn’t identify.

“I mean, hormones control nearly all our bodily functions…” I innocently explained.

“Oh yeah, right. So, umm, how about we go to that bar you were talking about?”

\----

When we got back to my house, we went straight up to my bedroom again. All we were planning on doing was lounging on my bed while trying our best not to fall asleep. We didn’t have much to drink, not planning on coming home drunk and have my dad be disappointed in us. Alex was tempted however, telling me how much better the beer was here than in America. I couldn’t agree more.

However, when I saw Alex walk into my room first, I couldn’t get the image of him being half naked in front of me. The image had popped up occasionally in my head, but I always managed to shake it off. This time is was permanent. I had seen him in his boxers or swim shorts before, but they always left me embarrassed and ashamed, but this image, it was giving such different feelings.

“You know, I’m really glad you asked me to come with you,” Alex smiled, waltzing over to me, “I like it here and I like spending time with you.”

When his arms circled around me and his lips carefully touched mine, I couldn’t help but bring him closer. My hand traveled up his long back, finally resting on his shoulders, allowing me to deepen the kiss and move to tug his hair a little. I could feel Alex was fighting back a moan, not wanting to succumb to the feelings he always tried to suppress during our makeout sessions. But something in me wanted him to let those out this time. I pushed him towards my bed, so that I was sitting in his lap, straddling him as his hands were on my hips.

“We-- we should probably stop,” he breathed out, panting to catch his breath again.

I climbed off him, acting like I was listening to him, but once I was sat next to him, I pulled him towards me so I could continue to kiss him. Rather than not knowing what I was doing, I was going to let Alex take control. He melted into me, before scolding himself and pulling away again.

“You’re going to make this too difficult for me,” he whispered, still only inches away from me, looking in my eyes. I could feel his hot breath against my skin.

Something in me made me make a giant leap. “But what if I want to?”

“Make this too difficult for me?” He frowned, his hands still on me. If only I could get him to move those hands in a way only he could that made me shiver in a good way.

“Well, that’s mean--” realisation suddenly hit him, “oh. Wait. Are you sure?”

I nodded, and reached out so I could resume kissing him. It started off sweet to comfort him, but once it got more heated, he could tell I really did want to do it, that I wasn’t just saying this because I knew he wanted to have sex. He had wanted this since he met me, but it was only now that I was ready. And I really, really was ready.

His shirt came off, allowing my hands to roam the torso that I was fantasizing about just minutes before. Embracing him in this way was something I never did before, but I liked it. It allowed me to be just a bit more personal with him. However, when he started pulling at the hem of my shirt, I immediately pushed his hands away. It was something I did subconsciously. All I could remember was Luke ripping off my shirt in one go.

But this was Alex, I could trust him.

“Ash, are you really sure you want to do this? I don’t want you doing anything you’re not ready for yet,” Alex sighed. He didn’t sound disappointed, but concerned, really afraid he was going too far.

“Yeah, umm, just let me take off my own clothes,” I mumbled with a small blush, feeling embarrassed for not wanting him to take off my clothes, but being ok with him having sex with me. I took off my shirt, immediately making Alex stare at me.

“Ok, but only if--”

I unclasped my bra as well, making it drop to the floor. Alex let out a shaky breath, shaking his head while his eyes were fixated on my breasts. I couldn’t help but bite my lip, knowing that I had this effect on him.

“I’m convinced,” he gulped, slamming his lips against mine in a hasty kiss.

He pushed me up the bed further, so my head was on the pillows, allowing him to hover better over me, his lower body on top of mine. I could feel his excitement grow as he hands traveled up to meet with my breasts. A moan escaped my throat as he managed to already make me feel things I never felt before. His hands were all over me, touching me, and I couldn’t get enough.  
But, just as I was going to let out another pleasured sound, he ripped away from me. “Wait, where’s the condom. We need the condom.”

“On my desk,” I pointed at the piece of furniture, realising I was shaking, but it felt good, way too good.

Alex quickly climbed off me, running to the desk and finding the one my dad had given to me. He shrugged off his jeans as he made his way back over to me. This time, the sight of him made me blush even more. Not only was he half naked, but he was obviously aroused, his boxers standing up like a tent. He focused completely on me, though, and got back on top of me, making sure he wasn’t hurting me or making me uncomfortable.

“I’d take your jeans off now, but…”

I nodded, undoing the button and zipper, pushing down my jeans just one third down my thighs, “you-- you can do the rest, if you want…”

He smiled, kissing me slowly before focusing his attention on pulling off my jeans. When the fabric was finally off me, he started working his way up again, kissing all the scars I had on my thighs from the sharp knife Luke had hurt me with. Alex was trying to fix them all, trying to make me forget about their presence. For the first time I felt loved again, loved in every way possible.

His hands traveled up the rest of the way before resting in between my legs, creeping under my panties. My eyes went wide at his touch. It was then that I realised I really didn’t know a thing about sex. I thought it was supposed to be rushed, in, out, done and over with, but Alex didn’t make it seem that way at all. He was actually making me feel good, earning a moan from me when he let his fingers make the right movement.

“Is-- is this ok?” He asked quietly, looking up at me.

I nodded quickly, only catching a quick glimpse of his face, before pushing myself back into the pillows, my back arching and my mouth opening wide in pleasure. He didn’t even understand how much I was enjoying this right now. He was worried, but to be honest, there was no reason to. He knew what he was doing, making me feel good in all the right places.

There was a light tugging on the last piece of clothing I was wearing, before that was also pulled down my legs. Kisses started trailing up my bare torso, up in between my breasts, along my jawline before coming back onto my lips.

“Are you sure you still want to do this?” He double checked another time.

I just nodded for the millionth time that day. With how far we had gotten this time, I couldn’t even think about backing out. I was too far in the pleasure to suddenly not want it anymore.

“Ok, then.” He pushed himself up to shakingly take off his boxers, giving me a full view of his entire figure and body.

_Holy shit._ He was naked. I was naked. We were both naked. This was the most vulnerable I could be, but all I could think about was how much I wanted him, craved him.

Pushing up fully, so he was now kneeling in the space just between my legs, he grabbed the wrapper that he had put on the other side of my bed, ripping it open and taking out the weird looking object. I watched as he rolled the condom on himself, fascinated by how he managed to do it so swiftly.

He went back to hovering over me, placing an elbow on either side of my head. “You are really sure?”

I wrapped my legs around his torso instead of giving him a verbal answer. He just needed to get it on already. Being worried was cute at the beginning, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I craved that contact I had never felt. All I needed was him to help me with it, creating this new connection we didn’t have before.

He took the hint, and made sure he was aligned properly. My arms went underneath his arms, my hands resting on his shoulders, as I braced myself for the pain I felt last time. I didn’t care how much this was going to hurt, I still wanted to do this.

However, when he finally pushed into me, I couldn’t feel anything but immense pleasure. I gasped, my fingers already digging into his skin. Was this really what it was supposed to feel like? Was it really this amazing?

“Oh, shit, I’m hurting you, aren’t I?” Alex immediately stopped moving. “We probably shouldn’t do--”

“Shut the fuck up, Alex,” I breathed, quickly moving my hands off his body to grab his face instead, making his lips fall in sync with mine.

Automatically, he began thrusting in and out, causing me to make small noises every time he made a small movement, making all my senses go in overdrive. This was what my first time was supposed to be like; with somebody I loved, trusted, and somebody who would be gentle while also knowing what they were doing. Alex was the guy who I wanted all my firsts to be with.

His breath mixed with mine, creating a strong sweet smell of the actions going on in my bedroom. I went back to tug on his hair, making him groan in physical pleasure, speeding his pace up a little.

But that’s when it started going wrong.

I didn’t know what was going on back then, but all the feelings were building up, creating a large pressure throughout me. My breathing was laboured, making it difficult for me to catch my breath anymore. Anxiety immediately rushed through me, thinking I was doing something wrong. I wanted to feel a calm sense of pleasure the entire time, not some heavy feeling at the bottom of my stomach.

“Alex,” I staggered, pushing my hands softly against his chest, “”sto-op.”

He immediately did so, looking down at me with a nervous expression, afraid he was doing something wrong. “Too much?”

“Too much,” I whispered with a nod, embarrassed that I was making him stop before he could even reach his release.

He pulled out of me, but that didn’t help get rid of that strange feeling going on inside of me -- if anything, it only made it worse.

“It’s ok,” he brushed a hand through my sweaty hair, “there’s nothing wrong with not wanting it anymore, you get to say stop whenever you want. I understand.”

He went to roll off me and lie down beside me, but I held onto him, keeping him in place. “Just wait a bit…” I mumbled, “Just let me catch my breath, and we can continue.”

“You don’t have to do this for me.”

I shook my head and smiled, reaching out to kiss him again.

\----

We fell asleep after having started again. It didn’t take long for me to feel comfortable enough to keep going. Alex had managed to find his release while I was happy with the way everything had gone. I was on his chest, my eyes shut and having drifted off to the sound of his heartbeat, while Alex didn’t take much longer to start snoring gently. If we weren’t as tired as we were I would have known better than to be in my bed, completely naked, with the door unlocked. Something was bound to happen with the way everything seemed too perfect to be true.

I didn’t know how late it was, but suddenly my door opened loudly and one of my brothers walked in. I jumped awake, seeing it was the oldest, Jaxon. His face showed panic when he saw two naked bodies in bed, quickly turning around so he didn’t have to be scarred any further. Alex was trying to cover me up, by I threw the duvet at him instead, knowing that my brothers had seen me naked many times before when we were younger. I didn’t necessarily like them seeing me like this, but I was fine with it if it needed to happen.

“I didn’t see anything!” Jaxon was quick to blurt out, covering his eyes even though he wasn’t facing us anymore, “you guys were just taking an innocent nap, because yeah, and…. Dinner’s ready.”

“Please don’t tell dad,” I quickly requested anyway.

“Why would I want to tell him?” He squeaked out, feeling way too uncomfortable to stay here any longer, “I’ll just say you guys just woke up, but I’m not responsible for covering you guys if you take too long.”

With that, he rushed out of my room, slamming the door closed behind him.

“Did that just happen?” Alex asked me, still half asleep.

“I think it did…” I sighed, slowly getting off my bed and starting to put my underwear back on.

“And he isn’t going to blackmail you?”

“No, why?”

He got up as well, searching for a new pair of boxers, “because that’s what most siblings do.”

“I guess we don’t do that,” I shrugged, “plus, is there anything more awkward for a thirteen year old to talk to their parents about sex? Do you really think he’ll willingly go up to my dad and say ‘hey, my sister had sex with her boyfriend, I don’t know why I told you, but still’. No, nobody would do that, especially not a thirteen year old.”

“He could still blackmail you, though,” Alex pointed out, quickly changing into a shirt and some sweatpants, making the fact that all we did was ‘fall asleep’ more believable.

“But why would he want to? We never hold grudges against each other. But if he suddenly does, I’ve got some dirt about him too, so we’re in the clear.” I quickly ran a brush through my hair so the knots and tangles weren’t visible anymore. It would have been a clear give away.

“Well, let’s go downstairs before your dad thinks we’re up here making out or something, not that I would mind doing that…”

I shook my head in disbelief and dragged him along with me, rushing downstairs so they wouldn’t start eating without us. My dad was just putting a large bowl of plain pasta on the table. It seemed like too much food for us all, but since I was the only girl, I knew how quickly it would be all finished.

“Some wild sleeper aren’t you, Alex?” Dad chuckled, pointing at Alex’s sex hair.

His eyes went wide, realising he forgot to fix his hair before coming downstairs, but he still managed to cover up with a small white lie. “Yeah, I either seem like I’m dead, not moving an inch, or I just keep tossing and turning. There’s no in between. I guess you’re all lucky to see me like this today.”

Jaxon started choking on his water, only being able to think of seeing Alex naked for a split second. I guess you could say he wasn’t lucky to see Alex like that today. “Water… wrong pipe… I’m ok.”

I rolled my eyes and gave him a light painless smack against the head. Just because he wasn’t going to tell, didn’t mean that all the awkwardness he was feeling didn’t exist.

“Hey, Ash, have you seen any ghosts while we were out?” Charley asked, not realising what basically had just happened in front of him.

“No, I’m sorry bud,” I ruffled his hair as I walked past his chair, sitting down opposite of him, “but I’ll make sure to look out for them next time.”


	60. A Very Merry Christmas

**Ash’s POV  
** Alex and I were snuggled up on the couch, a blanket draped around both of us. There were five mugs of hot chocolate on the coffee table, marshmallows floating around and hot steam rising up. My dad was adding more fire to the fireplace, making the large living room heat up slowly. The curtains were closed, the sun outside already having long gone down, the windows cold to the touch. It was exactly the way I wished to spend Christmas eve. My whole family was here, Alex was here, the only thing missing was my mom, but she was always there with us somehow.  
  
We had always celebrated Christmas, but without the whole Santa thing. Yes, we did have a large Christmas tree, one in the great hall and a ‘smaller’ one in the living room, and we did have a lot of gifts, but we always knew that the gifts didn’t come from an amazing fictional character. We would all get gifts for each other. Of course my brothers couldn’t afford anything big, so it was always something simple like some soap or a notebook, but it was the thought that counted. I was able to pay for some nicer gifts, but they still weren’t as amazing as my dad’s; he just went all out. Seriously. We didn’t get many gifts throughout the year, but when it was our birthday or when it was Christmas, it was gifts galore. He didn’t have many boundaries during those periods.  
  
We also always gave each other the gifts during Christmas Eve rather than Christmas morning. I don’t know exactly why we still did it that way, but there was something that made giving gifts in the evening nicer than giving them when it was still light outside. My mom and dad had started doing it that way after not being able to spend their first Christmas morning together, because my mom still lived in Italy and was flying home that day. It just stuck with them. Now that she was no longer with us, even though it had been seven years ago, we still did it that way.  
  
Nobody seemed to mind though, it was nice spending more time with my family after having a big dinner. Usually we’d go our own ways again after having dinner, occasionally watching TV together, but even then one of us was mostly off doing something else. This was one of those evenings where we just spent hours together and nobody seemed to be annoyed about it. Just because we got along well, didn’t mean that we actually liked spending all hours of the day together.  
  
“I don’t know what happened, but we have way too many gifts this year,” My dad laughed as he nearly tripped over another one of the boxes scattered under the green Christmas tree.  
  
“Wait, I still have one I forgot to put underneath the tree!” I shot upright, remembering that Alex’s gift had arrived a couple of days before and that I did it so I could wrap it. “Jaxon, come help me carry it in here.”  
  
“I could help,” Alex suggested, but I quickly shook my head. I wanted this to be a surprise for him, he couldn’t know it was his until he saw the name on it before unwrapping it.  
  
So, Jaxon and I rushed to my dad’s office/library and picked up to long heavy box. Nobody except my dad knew what was in it. I hadn’t even opened up the box to check the contents myself. I just really hoped it was the right thing Alex had been wanting for quite some time now. He had been saving up for it for a sum of months, but he was still a couple of hundred dollars short. I guess he could spend the money on something else now.  
  
We walked back into the living room, putting down the box along with all the other packages. My dad was right, there really were a lot of gifts, way too many for the amount of people in this house. Sure, a couple of them were boxes of candy, but there were still so many if you took those away.  
  
“I don’t know how we are ever going to open all of these before tomorrow,” I sighed, sitting back next to Alex and leaning into him again.  
  
Dad agreed, putting up the grid in front of the fire so the sparks couldn’t fall out and we couldn’t jump in, not that anybody was thinking of doing so, “we should probably get started then.”  
  
And so we did. We let my brothers go first. They were way too excited and hyper to have to wait for their turns, so they just went crazy, opening every gift that had their name on it. The fact that most of it was candy did not help the energy level going on in the room. They each already had one box opened, eating from it while ripping open their other gifts. Charley was super happy with the magnifying glass Alex had bought him. He was so excited to try and find new clues around the house, proving that there were in fact ghosts here. It certainly was his favourite gift, right above the beautiful metal telescope he had been wanting for a year and finally got from my dad. Kayden was ready to attack everybody with the nerf gun he had gotten, but my dad was smart enough to make strict rules about that as soon as the box was opened. And then there was Jaxon, in love with all the books he had gotten, already retreating into a corner to read one.  
  
While they were trying to figure out how to work all their new toys, Alex, my dad, and I decided to open the remaining gifts. The size of the pile had reduced significantly, only a couple of wrapped presents lying around lonely.  
  
“Hey, Alex, you should open your gift!” Charley told him, looking at the box next to him that was just as large as his body, “I wanna know what’s in it as well!”  
  
“Wait, that’s mine?” Alex looked at him with shock, before turning to look at me. He wasn’t expecting anything other than some small gifts, because nobody in my family really knew him except me.  
  
“I told you I was combining your Birthday and Christmas gift!” I laughed, urging him to go and see what it was. I really wanted to see if I got the right thing. It would be horrible if I got the wrong one and turned out to disappoint him.  
  
“But I wasn’t expecting a huge box! I can’t--”  
  
“Yes, you can! Go open it!” I pushed him off the couch and towards his gift.  
  
He glared at me before sitting next to Charley and ripping the minimal wrapping paper off. He frowned at the now naked box, still not understanding what it was. I had painted over all the logos and names, making sure he wouldn't know what was in it until he actually opened it. When he looked at me, I nodded, telling him to keep going. He slowly lifted to long rectangular lid, his eyes going wide when he saw the contents.  
  
“What the-- how? What? Huh? I-- what?” He stuttered, removing the lid fully, exposing the Fender Telecaster I had bought him. It was pretty expensive, especially since I had bought it in Germany, meaning that I had payed around 1000 dollars. As soon as he had started saving up for it, so did I. I was just lucky to have a dad that gave me way too much money and that I had not been spending all of it since I went to America.  
  
“Is it the right one?” I asked carefully, hoping his reaction was a good one.  
  
“The right one!? It’s amazing! I would have been ok with some socks or something!” He gasped, looking over the guitar and carefully letting his fingers run over the glossy paint.  
  
“Well, I thought you wanted it for a while and since you guys have to finish that demo pretty soon, why not record with a new guitar?” I grinned, relieved and happy to see him so excited.  
  
“Dude, this is officially the best gift somebody has given me. I swear to god, I’m going to be playing this guitar for the rest of my life!” He rushed back over to me, putting both his hands on my cheek before leaning in to kiss me.  
  
Charley and Kayden made some really disgusted noises while Jaxon was too busy with his book to realise. I rolled my eyes and slowly pushed Alex away just so my brothers wouldn’t have to endure anymore. We could always continue when we went to bed.  
  
“I’m excited to give you my gift right now,” Alex continued, rushing back to the tree and picking up a much smaller box, “I was like ‘should I spend my money on a guitar or my girlfriend, guitar, girlfriend’, but I chose you of course. So I really hope you like it.”  
  
“Well I’m glad I got you the guitar then,” I told him, carefully taking the small gift in my hands.  
  
“I wouldn’t have cared, because I really did not expect that.”  
  
I pulled the ribbon, undoing the bow on top, trying to take out the knot as well. When that was finally off, I carefully started taking off the thick expertly wrapped paper, telling me he had probably let this done in store. It was a white flat cardboard box, also with a lid for me to take off. Inside was a delicate silver charm bracelet. There was already an ‘A’ and a detailed leaf hanging off it. I stared at it in amazement and couldn’t help but smile brightly. Alex took it out of the box and helped me put it on. This time it was my turn to kiss him, thanking him for the gift he got me.  
  
But it wasn’t finished yet, by dad had gotten me another charm to add to it. The fact that they had coordinated the gifts really made me ecstatic. It meant they had to have had some sort of contact beforehand, because my dad would never have gotten me a charm without a bracelet otherwise. I added the small golden treble clef and stared at my bracelet. It really was beautiful and already meant so much to me.  
  
When we finished off opening our gifts, my two younger brothers started getting very tired, almost falling asleep on the floor. Normally my dad would have sent them off the bed by now, but he kept them downstairs for a little while longer. He even told them they would just have to stay awake for a bit more, that there was still one gift that he had accidentally left in his bedroom.  
  
It seemed strange to all of us. We didn’t know what would be important enough to keep us from sleep even longer. But then he came back downstairs with a box wrapped in colorful paper, holes cut into the side and the top open. There was some scurrying inside of it, the sound of nails hitting the cardboard excitedly. When my dad placed the box in front of my brothers, Kayden immediately pulled out the small brown puppy. It started jumping around excitedly, licking everybody’s hands as soon as they were in reach.  
  
“Is she ours?” Kayden asked my dad with big hopeful eyes.  
  
“Of course she is.” My dad grinned, enjoying their excitement.  
  
“Can we call her Spooky?” Charley immediately suggested, trying to pet the Labrador puppy while my other brothers were as well.  
  
“If nobody has any other suggestions.”  
  
Both Jaxon and Kayden thought for a while before shaking their head no, that Spooky was fine. Part of me said that Jaxon had many other ideas since he had always wanted a dog, but he also wanted to make his brother happy. It would be a funny thing to embarrass Charley with when he was older.  
  
And that’s how our family officially expanded from five to seven.


	61. No Big Deal or Is It a Record Deal?

**Ash’s POV  
** I was sat in the living room, open books surrounding me, pens all over the table, and a notebook in my lap. It was _that_ time of the year again: teachers were cramming lessons full of information, all the students were stressed out and sleep deprived, and the dread of real life was starting to hit all of us. Finals week was coming. It was the worst time of my life, even more stressful than that one time I lost my soft bunny toy when I was five years old and ran through the entire house hoping to find it somewhere. I really had taken Christmas break for granted. Never would I have ever thought that I would yearn for that time so soon afterwards again. It had only been two months since I had seen my family, but I was missing them more than before.

I had been trying to go through all the courses again, going for those A’s. Although I was already accepted to the university I wanted to go to, I still wasn’t going to risk being rejected because my grades weren’t what they expected. There was no way I would forgive myself if I messed up just because of one B. Everything had to go perfectly. It didn’t really help that the teenage boy who I lived with didn’t give one fuck about his grades. All he did was flick through the pages, only looking at the pictures. It really got on my nerves. But then again, he was very busy with his music. They wrote the songs, practised the songs, recorded them, practised again, changed things, until finally settling on something they liked. A demo was finally made.

And that’s exactly why I was studying all alone once again. No, they actually weren’t at Rian’s, they were at a meeting. You know, one of those official things where people actually discussed things together. It wasn’t one of their meetings with pizza and coke, which eventually led to them talking about girls. This was official. _Record deal_ official. Somebody actually wanted to listen to their demo and think about signing them. All they had to do was read through the contract and sign it. I just hoped they wouldn’t do anything stupid, like forgetting to read all the small print or getting too excited and throwing their lives away.

However, it wasn’t my job to lecture them. The boys had had many talks with their parents. Trust me when I say it wasn’t very pretty. The first time Alex suggested it to his parents, it ended with shouting, him running up to his room and locking himself in, disappointed parents, and me being put in the middle of it. Alex wanted me to be on his side, while his parents tried to get me to agree that he was being unreasonable. I just said that I thought Alex had to make his own decisions, but that I knew where his parents were coming from. This then resulted in Alex getting mad at me as well and giving me the silent treatment for longer than I thought possible (four days, it only ending one day when his parents were both out and I was leaving the shower in just my underwear). They eventually compromised. Alex had to graduate, but then he could go out and pursue his dream. Something similar happened to the others, except I wasn’t such a big part those times except for the fact that I made Alex’s parents think about it, eventually getting all parents to agree.

It was also the reason why I was in the living room rather than in my own room. I wanted to see Alex reaction as soon as he came back home. From where I was sitting on the floor, I could see the front door clearly. I needed to see if he was happy or upset; if I needed to jump around or console him. I was probably even more nervous than they were, to be honest. They had been wanting this for so long, I just thought they deserved it. Sure, it would mean that thay’d go on tour for long periods of time, but it wasn’t like I would see Alex more often if he also went to college. Either way, we’d both be busy and in other places, whether it be in the country or somewhere else in the world.

Somehow it only made the dread worse. I say ‘somehow’, but it’s probably very obvious. I didn’t know what was going to happen after we graduated. Well, I knew that I was going to move out and go to college and Alex would start recording a full length album and start touring. I knew that pretty well. But what would happen between us? Would we go for that long distance relationship and only see each other a couple of days a year? Or would we just break up before it all got too much? I honestly didn’t want to think about breaking up. I mean, why would I? Our relationship was perfect at that moment. We both loved each other, we’re completely comfortable around each other, and there was nothing or nobody threatening our trust. It was what I always wanted from a relationship. I felt like nothing could go wrong.

I was chewing on my pen, trying to concentrate on the textbook I had in front of me. I couldn’t even tell what I was studying anymore. All I wanted was to see Alex and have him tell me everything about it. I completely forgot to tell him to text me as soon as they found out, and knowing him he would keep it to himself until he actually got home.

But then I heard the key being put in the lock, and the door opening. My eyes immediately snapped towards the sound, seeing a figure through the opaque window. I sat upright, waiting to see who it was, my heart racing, ready to run up and give a hug. I just hoped it wasn’t Isobel coming back home from getting groceries. When more than one person stepped inside, I knew immediately that it was Alex.

I kept staring at the hallway, waiting for them to turn around and look back at me. Nerves were actually rushing through my body, even though there was nothing for me to be nervous about. And when Alex finally made eye contact with me, I could feel my heart skip a beat as I held my breath. However, Alex’s small smirky smile gave it all away.

I let out a small shriek and threw everything on the floor before getting up and rushing towards him. I didn’t leave him any time to prepare for the impact of me jumping onto him for a hug, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his torso. He managed to make sure that we didn’t topple, however, and put his arms under my butt to keep me up.

“I knew you could do it!” I whispered, a smile reaching my eyes, as my face was just a couple of inches away from his. I closed to small space left over, letting our lips meet. I really was proud of him. My boyfriend, at only 18 years old, and his three best friends got a record deal.

“PDA!” Jack groaned as he pushed past us, nobody else behind him anymore, meaning that only he came along with Alex.

“Shut up,” I rolled my eyes and resumed kissing Alex, making him squeeze my ass lightly.

“No, really, if you’re going to do this, do it somewhere else, preferably in a bedroom with a condom.” Jack continued whining.

“He’s just jealous that he doesn’t have anybody to celebrate with,” Alex laughed, teasing his best friend at the same time. I guess Alex already warned Jack that something like this was going to happen if he came along.

“I’m over her.” He raised his hands up in defence as if that were supposed to change the entire situation.

“Over who?” Alex questioned, putting me back down on the floor, his arms still loosely around my waist.

I looked at Alex weirdly. How could he forget about Jack’s crush? I mean, it was a pretty big deal for some time. “Don’t you know?”

“Don’t know what?” He pulled me just a bit closer. Oh god. He probably thought Jack was talking about me. Being afraid that Jack would swoop me away, he thought that Jack might have been jealous of what Alex and I were doing because I was involved.

“I thought you knew…” Jack gasped quietly in disbelief, squinting his eyes as if he was missing something.

“Jack’s crush on Lianne,” I clarified before Alex could over think it any more. I did not need this happy occasion being ruined by somebody misunderstanding something and lashing out on the other.

“Lianne?” Alex let go of me completely, causing me to retract my arms as well, and turned to Jack fully. “Why _Lianne?”_

“I mean, you had a crush on Ash. Why couldn’t I have a crush on Lianne? I’m not going to list everything, ‘cause I literally just got over the whole thing. But, yeah, why not? She’s cool.” Jack explained. I could tell he still had some feelings for her, but was trying his best to forget about it all, that she was never going to like him back that way. It must have been horrible, but it was good that he knew being hung up on her wasn’t going to do him any good.

“Ok, fair.”

“Guys, let’s celebrate your record deal,” I suggested instead and started pulling them towards the kitchen, “We can keep talking about past and present crushes, but that won’t do us any good. I have a crush on Matt Damon, but he’s too old for me, so what’s the point?”

“Hey!” Alex pouted.

“Matt Damon is a pretty good crush to have.” Jack winked, agreeing with me.

I pulled out a bottle of soda, deciding it was a better idea not to have Isobel walk in on us going through their alcohol and drinking it. I was sure they didn’t mind us having some while they were there as well with their permission. This was a pretty big event, changing their lives forever.


	62. A New Way Of Learning

Alex’s POV  
I opened the bag of popcorn and poured it’s contents into a plastic bowl. After throwing the paper bag away, I rubbed my eyes. I had been staring at paper for way too long. It wasn’t like I was going to remember all the writing in those textbooks anyway. Chemistry just didn’t make any sense to me. I got the basics, but everybody knows those. As soon as a small thing was changed it just didn’t work anymore for me. But I had to pass this exam. Throughout the year I had been failing Chemistry like it was my mission. Seriously, I probably would have gotten a better grade if I hadn’t answered any of the questions. On one test I had even managed to spell my surname wrong. I had a hangover that day, though, so you can’t really blame me. You could technically say I was still kind of drunk. It wasn’t my fault that the party only ended at four in the morning! Of course Ash had managed to get 100% on that test.

She insisted on helping Jack and I study. Well, ‘insist’ might be a bit farfetched. I basically was the reason why she was doing it. After whining and whining about how I just couldn’t do it, and Jack constantly bitching about everything, Ash just decided to take control and help us. I knew she had better things to do. Although she was way ahead, she continued to freak herself out and forced herself to do some more last minute studying. Rather than focusing on herself, she was now paying all her attention to my hopeless self and impossible Jack.

I took a handful of the popcorn and stuffed it in my mouth, reaching in the fridge to get a bottle of Coke. We already had glasses upstairs, so the bottle would be finished in no time. My parents usually didn’t allow us to eat up in our rooms, but apparently exam period was an exception. Apparently they wanted us to be as focused as possible, and if that meant not coming downstairs for a simple drink and watching TV for two hours, then it was going to have to happen this way. That didn’t mean I was anymore concentrated on my school work than on what was happening on the internet. Really, anything was more interesting than the way atoms bond!

I trudged back upstairs, my footsteps loud and obnoxious. If I could make sure that no teenager would ever have to take finals, I would. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that power. So, while everybody in the country had to suffer, so did I. There was no way out of it. Well, I could just not show up, but then I wouldn’t be able to graduate, meaning I wouldn’t be allowed to go on tour and be in a band anymore, which is basically just saying goodbye to my life.

Once I entered my room, I saw Jack and Ash both lying on my bed at weird angles on their stomachs, trying to read their textbooks. Actually, let’s phrase that differently, Ash was reading through her textbook and making notes, while Jack was flipping through his biology book, looking at all the pictures he couldn’t stop grinning and laughing about. At least he might be able to pass the reproductive system part of the test.

I put the popcorn bowl down in the middle, Jack immediately reaching out for it while grunting at another picture. Rolling my eyes, I decided to lie down right on top of Ash, so that all my weight was on her. My legs stuck out a bit, but I still managed to cross my arms over her shoulder blades so that I could rest my head.

“You’re heavy,” she groaned, trying to push me off my turning over, but she wasn’t strong enough to even get close to moving enough.

“You think I’m fat!” I gasped with a fake cry, trying to seem as dramatic as possible.

“Yep.” My weight prevented her from turning a page normally. She reached out awkwardly, nearly ripping the page off.

Jack sighed, staring at an anatomical drawing of a naked girl. “I think Alex wants us to take a long deserved break.”

“Yeah, I really do,” I agreed even though we had only been ‘studying’ for an hour, “my brain doesn’t have the capacity to think anymore. Like, the only thing I can still do right now is play videogames for six hours straight.”

“Oh, no, I mean a long deserved break,” Jack emphasized, opening his book to a large annotated diagram of a man and a woman having sex. He added a small sound, something like when you pull a straw up and down through the hole of the lid at McDonalds. I didn’t even know why they put that in there. Probably to serve as a way to get off for teenage guys like Jack, because we seriously didn’t need a two paged sized diagram.

“Gross, Jack!” Ash slammed the text shut and managed to lightly hit his head with it. Ok, it wasn’t exactly lightly, because there was a hollow noise and Jack did rub the spot afterwards. She then tried to wriggle out underneath me again. “Alex, get off, I need to pee, please!”

“No,” I whined back and snuggled into her more, “you’re a very comfortable pillow.”

She tried shoving one last time. “Well, would you still like it if this pillow peed on your bed?”

“Kinky!” Jack smirked smugly, making Ash hit him with the book once again.

I rolled off her with a sigh, letting her go. While I did like to occasionally tease her, I didn’t want her to actually be hurt by things that were supposed to be innocent. I’d never intentionally hurt her like that. However, I still couldn’t help myself from looking at her ass as she got off the bed and walked out of my room with a slight sway in her hips.

“Dude,” Jack smacked me, immediately getting my attention and pulling me out of my daze, “you were in asstown for a while there.”

I pulled a disgusted face, questioning my best friend’s sanity. “Please don’t ever use that word again.”

“You should stare at these amazing pictures with me while you still can and your girlfriend isn’t around to see and judge you,” he urged, turning the book so I could also see all the ‘amazing’ details.

I frowned, and pushed it back towards him. “But I don’t want to. You can have it all for yourself.”

“Ugh, what has she done to you?” He groaned, but it quickly turned into a smile. “You changed.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No, ‘cause now I get all the girls for myself,” he chuckled and stuffed some more popcorn in his mouth, turning around onto his back. “But, yeah, I guess it’s a good thing, because you were even worse than I was. Surprisingly enough, I haven’t seen as many girls crying in the halls anymore. So, that must be a sign. My boy’s all grown up!”

“I’m older than you, Jack,” I snorted, laughing at him.

“No, but seriously, dude. Kudos to you; who knows when the last time you had sex was!”

I shrugged, not even thinking about what came out of my mouth. “Like, two days ago?”

“WHAT?!” Jack sat upright as quickly as he could, flipping around so he could intensely stare at me.

It was only then when I realised what I had told him. It had been a couple of months since the first time Ash and I did it, and we had done it multiple times since then, but I wasn’t exactly planning on telling anybody. This was the first time that I wasn’t jumping around, boasting all about it to Jack, I actually didn’t feel like everybody knowing. It was something between me and my girlfriend, she wasn’t some tool I was going to talk about in that way.

“You have to tell me everything now!” Jack continued, his mouth still agape. I guess he thought it was our first time or something.

“No.” I shook my head, refusing to give him any details. Not only did I want to spare Ash’s dignity, but I didn’t exactly want him fantasizing about my girl either.

“Oh, come on!” He exclaimed, ready to start pressuring me into at least telling him one thing, which would then turn into me giving a detailed account.

“What’s going on?” An oblivious Ash came back into the room, stretching her arms behind her head. Her shirt raised up a little, showing a short glimpse of a fading hickey just above her hip. I hoped Jack hadn’t seen it, but the eyebrow wiggle he gave said otherwise.

“Jack’s being an asshole by trying to shove his biology in my face,” I covered up with a small white lie. She didn’t have to know the entire truth.

“Yeah, why do you actually have your biology book?” Ash asked Jack, “We were going to study chemistry, remember?”

“These are the only boobs I get to see, ok? Don’t attack me!” He grumbled, and hugged the paper close to his chest, not showing any signs of wanting to let go soon.

“Ok, well, then I’ll focus on Alex,” she plopped down beside me, our shoulders touching, and brought her notes closer towards us again.

“But I don’t care about iconic bonds!” I complained, resting my head on her.

“Ionic, Alex, it’s ionic,” she corrected me, giving me a small fed up glare.

“Look, I don’t get any of this shit, if you want me to understand it, you’re going to have to tell me at least 20 times in one minute!”

“Ok, fine. How about I try to explain it in a way you will understand?” She grabbed four pieces of popcorn, giving me one and holding one in one hand and two in the other, “I have three pieces of popcorn, and you only have one. However, we both want to have two. So, I give you one,” she opened up my other hand and put one of the pieces in my hand, “Now you have plus one popcorn, and I have minus one popcorn. Because we are opposite charges, we are attracted to each other, so we hang out all the time.”

“So, you giving me a piece of popcorn immediately makes me get a crush on you and want to hang out with you all the time?” I tried to clarify, to which she nodded. “Would that be enough for a kiss?”

“Hmm,” she thought for a while before shaking her head, “no. An ionic bond is very strong, so we would basically fuze together. However, a covalent bond might be.”

“Covalent? What?”

She let out another deep breath, closing her eyes for a second. Once again, the popcorn made an appearance. “This time we both want to have four pieces of popcorn, however we only have two each. So, we come together and have four all together, making us both happy!”

“What? How does that even work? How can we be happy if we both want four but technically only have two each?” I started thinking of it way too realistically.

“Fair enough. Think about it this way. There are two hydrogen atoms, they both have one electron, but want to have two in total, so they share their electrons.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“How about when I say--”

Jack interrupted very loudly, staring at an image with wide eyes, “DAAAAAAMMNN!”

“What’s wrong?” Ash stupidly asked. She was probably going to get an answer she never wanted to hear.

“This dude’s got a huge frickin’ dick!” He turned around the book for us to see. “Are they trying to give girls unrealistic expectations?”

“Are you trying to tell me yours is smaller?” She retorted with a knowing smirk.

“I--” Jack looked taken aback, not expecting something like that from her innocent mouth. He rolled off the bed and onto the floor. “Moooom! She’s bullying me!”

“So, that covalent bond?” I raised an eyebrow, ignoring Jack’s dramatic antics.

“Yeah… I can’t believe I’m going to explain it this way,” she rubbed her temple and moved away from me slightly, “this wouldn’t make any sense to me, but it might to you. So, we are both hydrogen atoms. And… oh god, I really can’t believe this. You have an electron I want, which is, umm, your dick. I have an electron you want, my vagina. So then, boom, sex happens.”

Jack slowly sat up, turning his head to stare at Ash. “That actually makes so much sense.”

“Can you stop being such a creep?” She snarled. If there was one thing that really got on her nerves and embarrassed her, it was talking about things like this. She was just unfortunate enough to be around me and Jack, who were the complete opposite.

“But I get it now,” I tried to get her to calm down, “it makes both people happy. ‘Cause, damn it, I will not be sharing my popcorn!”

She giggled, managing to capture my lips when I looked at her for a second. While I kissed her back, I could hear Jack groaning as he slowly laid back down on the floor.


	63. A High School Celebration Pt.1

**Ash’s POV  
** Prom. The celebration after the finals were done. Guys were trying their best to have the best promposal at school, while occasionally girls cutely held up a sign and flowers as well. This was basically as important as getting married to teenagers. You either went and had ‘the best time of your life’, or you were the loser that didn’t go. It was so adorable to see people asking their crushes to go even though they never had the balls to before, and then there were also those cute couples that had been together since they were 13. The whole concept was so surreal to me. It really was a thing you could only find in America, we didn’t have those big extravagant promposals back in Germany. All that happened there was people asking each other like it was a normal conversation.  
  
There were so many girls who were daydreaming, hoping a guy would come up to them and just ask already. But not everybody was so lucky. You had those girls who might have been very shy and quite unpopular, but they still had close friends who would often ask. In the middle, you had those girls that didn’t have that group, and they either didn’t seem to care about nobody asking them, or they really did seem miserable. Then there were the popular ones, such as Harper, who just got requests from every person she walked past. I had witnessed many thrown at her, but she always rejected them, not one time did she say she’d think about it. Was there someone specific she was waiting for? Or did she just not want to go?  
  
We were in the lunchroom, eating the food we had gotten in the free period we had before. The entire room was buzzing with kids excited for prom, even though it was still an entire month away. In case you were wondering, Lianne was going to go with Jack. They had made up, agreeing that there were no hard feelings and that what happened happened. There was nothing they could change. Of course they were only going to go as friends, though, which Jack surprisingly seemed to be completely ok with. I guessed it was some sort of closure for him.  
  
“Hey, Harper,” Edward appeared behind us, still wearing his football jersey, “so, we’re going to the prom together, right?”  
  
She put down her fork in her salad and sighed loudly, closing her eyes before she slightly craned her neck. “Nope.”  
  
“What?” He seemed as confused as I was.  
  
Everybody thought and expected Edward and Harper to go together. It was one of those things that were just supposed to be that way. They were two of the most popular and prettiest people in the school. It was just obvious that they were going to be prom king and queen; it was matter of cause! And now here she was, rejecting the one guy I thought she was waiting for!  
  
She sighed dramatically again. However, this wasn’t just because she was over exaggerating, she was actually more annoyed than she showed. I watched as she got onto her chair, stepping on the table so everybody could see her.  
  
She brought two fingers to her lips, whistling loudly to get everybody’s attention. “Alright, everybody! I’m sick of you all asking me to be your date to prom! I’m not going to say yes to anybody here. Believe it or not, I actually already have a date. Thank you very much, assholes!”  
  
There was a silence. Everybody just stared at her, expecting more yet at the same time less. It would just be a matter of seconds before all the whispers were going to start. However, then the unexpected happened, if it could get any weirder.  
  
“Wooo!” Quentin hollered from his place a couple of tables down, surrounded by other people considered ‘nerds’, before pointing at Harper. “That’s my girl!”  
  
That was not even the most out of the ordinary thing that happened. It got even more mind boggling. I was completely prepared for Harper to look at him with the most disgusted face ever, throwing an insult at him. But, no, that’s not what happened at all. I still can’t comprehend it all.  
  
She blew him a kiss with a smile. “Love you!”  
  
“Love you too!” He waved back, going back to his normal everyday activities.  
  
Harper turned to get off the table, and I was so going to ask her what that was all about. However, just as her feet were back on the chair, she was faced with the teacher on lunch duty. She sighed, not even having to ask what was wrong, picking up her bag and salad. As she was dragged away to the principal's office, she mouthed a sorry to us, but couldn’t be bothered to reason with the teacher like she would normally do to stay out of trouble.  
  
“Quentin and Harper, what?” Lianne frowned, biting into her hamburger as she looked at me for answers.  
  
“Don’t ask me!” I raised my hand up in defence. “I’m not judging them. I mean, who would have expected Alex and I to get together?”  
  
“Literally everyone!” She exclaimed, looking at me like I had grown two heads. “You can’t really be that oblivious! But, where are the guys anyways?”  
  
“I don’t know that either,” I shrugged, also getting up, “but I think I’m going to go play the piano a bit earlier today. I’m sorry for leaving you all alone, but really, my song is almost finished!”  
  
“Yeah, sure, go ahead, leave me alone!” She sighed pathetically in a sarcastic manner. “Look if I care!”  
  
I laughed, but walked away nonetheless. As I approached the music room, John was just leaving. I was going to go up to him and say hi, but he seemed to be be too preoccupied with something else. So, I shrugged, and went into the classroom that had the beautiful grand piano standing in the middle. However, there was already somebody sat on the chair.  
  
“Alex?” I asked, wondering what he was doing here. I didn’t remember him telling me he wanted to meet me here.  
  
His head snapped up towards me, eyes wide. Something told me that he hadn’t expected me. He seemed at a loss for words, before hitting a couple of piano keys, creating out of tune chords. Before I could ask him what he was doing, he opened his mouth.  
  
Instead of what was his usual beautiful singing, he started purposely singing notes sharp and flat. “Aaaaaaash, oooooh, you’re so beeeaaauutifulll. Oh so pretty! And I looove you so muuuch! Please go to proooom with meee!”  
  
I tried my best not to cover my ears and couldn’t help the giggle that came out of me when he finished. He looked at me hopefully as if I would still say no to him. I walked up to him and planted a kiss on his lips.  
  
“I already thought we were going together!” I chuckled, kissing him again.  
  
He raised his shoulders. “I still wanted to ask you, though.”  
  
“Like this?” I laughed, wondering how much effort it had taken him to write that masterpiece. “At least it isn’t the cheesy balloons-and-a-sign promposal.”  
  
“Hahaha, yes, I’d never do that,” he shuffled awkwardly.  
  
Exactly at that moment, Jack and Rian came in, wanting to ask Alex a question. Jack had multiple colorful balloons in his hand, which he let float up to the ceiling out of shock as soon as he saw me. Rian was there, holding a long banner, which obviously had been bedazzled with glitter.  
  
“Yeah, _never_ …” I repeated, raising my eyebrow at him.


	64. A High School Celebration Pt.2

**Ash’s POV  
** A week or so later, Harper, Lianne and I were already going out shopping for our prom dresses. Harper made sure that we went before most people would go, leaving us with most options available. There were always a couple of sizes that sold out in no time, so Harper was already having a small panic attack when we walked into the dress store she had gone to since she was a young girl, looking at all the dresses she wanted for her senior prom. This really was a big deal to her. She had been preparing for it with her mom since she was six years old. Now, twelve years later, it was finally becoming reality.  
  
She was still going with Quentin. It really was the gossip of the week in school. Some people accused her of only going with him so he’d do her math homework, but I knew Harper was capable of passing all her classes with flying colors without any help. Apparently they had been dating since Christmas. Her parents had had another fight on Christmas Eve, so she rushed out of the house with her brother, going to a nearby shop that was open all days of the year. Quentin was there getting something his mom ran out of. He found Harper and asked her if everything was ok, breaking all social rules out there. They eventually all went back to his house and things developed from there.  
  
While he was pretty nerdy and wore some questionable clothing, Harper couldn’t shut up about what he looked like when he took off his glasses and shirt. Apparently he was some model-quality guy, hiding behind his books and baggy clothing. He was the first guy she had actually started a long-term relationship with.  
  
“Ok, so I need a purple dress. Quentin and I decided to go purple. But I need to get my dress first so he can get a matching tie. It’s a lot easier to get a tie in any color you want rather than finding the perfect dress to fit a specific color,” Harper ran towards the first rack she could find, already looking around frantically.  
  
I stood there awkwardly, running my hand up my other arm hanging loosely at my side. “You’re supposed to go matching?”  
  
Harper looked at me like I had just said the most obscure thing in the world. Before she could flip out on me, Lianne decided to chip in herself. “Yeah, Jack and I are also going to match. I have no clue what he’s planning, but we’re going light blue or aqua. It was his idea. I’m afraid he’s going to do something he’s going to regret, but it’s going to be hilarious.”  
  
“Oh…” I twirled my thumbs, feeling completely out of place now. “Alex and I didn’t choose any color…”  
  
“What the hell is that boy doing with his life?” Harper screeched, already three dresses draped on her arm, each a slightly different shade of purple. “Text him ASAP. And he better reply! I will come over and kick his butt otherwise!”  
  
So, she was definitely terrifying when stressed. I went completely crazy when schoolwork was important. Harper, however, was all about the fashion and the shopping trips. This was as important as graduating for her. The only problem was that she thought it was just as important for other people, even though they didn’t think all too much of it. Because I definitely wasn’t as hyped up as she was. I never even thought I would get this whole prom experience.  
  
I took out my phone from my back pocket without complaining. There was no way I was going to risk Harper getting mad at me. I followed Lianne around as I clumsily tried to text while also trying to make sure I didn’t walk into any of the clothing racks taking up most of the store.  
  
 **Ash** _: Harper is having a mental breakdown. Apparently it’s a crime that we haven’t chosen which color to wear to prom. She’s scaring me._  
 **Alex** _: Oh no :( I’ll protect you from the scary monster!_  
 **Ash** _: The only way you can protect me is by helping me with this whole color thing._  
 **Alex** _: Hmm… White._  
 **Ash** _: White? Are you sure? With my skin tone? I’m pale AF_  
 **Alex** _: Trust me, you look gorgeous in white_  
 **Ash** _: Fine, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll tell you_  
 **Alex** _: Mkay. I’m sure you’ll look stunning. Go have fun. I love you!_  
 **Ash** _: Love you too_  
  
“So, what did he say?” Harper suddenly popped up beside me, now having seven dresses with her. Eventually she was probably going to hate them all and try them on all again before choosing the first one.  
  
“White.” I smiled widely now that I had an answer. I was actually pretty proud of myself that I was able to figure it out so quickly. However, when she frowned, my smile quickly faltered.  
  
She was giving me crazy eyes. “White? Umm. Ok. But what type of white? He can’t just say white! Which undertone? Cream, blue, purple, pink, ochre? Ash! Get your shit together!”  
  
I glared back at her. She was freaking out too much, and I didn’t exactly like her bringing it all out on me. “It doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure he won’t have to match anything to the white of my dress. If he does show up in a white suit, however, I’m going to be laughing my ass off. He just told me he’d like me to wear white because he thinks it looks good on me.”  
  
Somehow her stressed features turned into a smirk. She pulled me along, flicking through all the dresses in front of her. Giving Lianne and us both a limit of five dresses to try on, she was really specific with what she chose. When I pointed out she already had more for herself, she seemed excited, suddenly raising the amount of dresses we had to try on to eight. Yes, eight whole dresses. That included taking off all our clothes, putting on a dress, seeing if we all liked it, and then getting ourselves out of it. _For eight whole dresses!_ Was she trying to kill me or something?  
  
Lianne and I were just completely lost. Harper seemed like she knew what she was doing, taking everything into her own hands. All Lianne and I really got to do was hold the dresses she threw at us. I didn’t even get to approve anything. Some of the things I was holding, I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable in. The necklines plunged down way too far, or there were slits that went up to my thigh. I didn’t exactly want to show off too much.  
  
“Ok, so, normally I’d make us try it all on at the same time, but I want to see everything you both put on, and we all have to help each other with choosing. So, Ash, you go first.” Harper directed, sitting down on one of the red lounge chairs that was placed in the changing room area.  
  
“Why me?” I gasped, really not wanting to be the first one. I wanted to see what my friends were going to wear before I chose.  
  
“Because you’re not fed up yet and don’t know what you want at all. Lianne and I already have ideas of the perfect dresses we have in mind.” She put the purple dresses on her lap as Lianne sat on the chair next to her.  
  
I shook my head. “That’s why you guys should go first, so I can see what dress types I like and which ones I don’t.”  
  
“Just go!” She pointed towards a changing room with a velvet curtain.  
  
I sighed, but obliged, she wouldn’t let me get out of this no matter what I tried. There were enough hooks for me to hang up all the dresses so I wouldn’t crumple them. The only perk of going first meant that I’d get it over and done with. I couldn’t stand trying on dresses, let alone eight straight after each other!  
  
I undressed, taking off my boots before my jeans and top were off as well. The light reflecting on all the white fabric was blinding, but I could clearly see why Harper wanted to know which undertone it should have. All these whites contrasting against each other did not exactly work. Some were more icy, while others had a hint of romance, and others just seemed a tad too yellow.  
  
“Ok, first dress!” I called out and opened the curtain to show off what I was wearing. It was a strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline, the bust area covered in silver sequins. My legs were on full display, the front of the dress being shorter than the back. Harper and Lianne looked like they were indecisive, as if they were too afraid to give their opinions.  
  
“I don’t like it,” I told them, making them sigh in relief. It wasn’t that it didn’t fit my body, nor was the dress ugly, but it just didn’t really suit. The whole thing was just a bit too basic. It was one of those dresses I could go back to if I needed and couldn’t find a better one.  
  
I went back to try on a couple more dresses. Many of them were the same style, however the front was also floor length. For some reason those dresses just didn’t do it for me. The fabric was just a bit too simple and the decorations that were supposed to make it different from the rest just seemed too much for me. It was either too simple or too glittery.  
  
Then there were also the ones that looked just a bit too much like a wedding dress. While they were very pretty, I didn’t want to go that far. Not only was this not the occasion for such a beautiful dress, but I wanted to keep that for the day I got married. Maybe Alex would also get to see that one. At least I already managed to get some inspiration for my wedding dress in the future.  
  
The third type of dress there was, was the one with a slit on the side. Seems cute at first glance, but as soon as I put them on I absolutely detested it, especially the ones that went up too high. A bit of leg was ok, but as soon as I put the dress that had a tiny skirt that just went over my butt, which had another flowy skirt over it that had a slit all the way up to my wait, I couldn’t help but feel vulnerable. I didn’t want that either. It just made me feel too exposed. While Alex had made me feel so much more confident since we were together, I still wasn’t fully confident, and there was no way I would have worn anything like that even before the whole thing happened.  
  
I sighed and tried on the second to last dress. I liked the fact that it had a sweetheart neckline, but had a mesh-like fabric that went up to a collar around my neck. It gave me just a bit more coverage than all those other dresses that showed off my boobs. The only unfortunate thing was that it had a slit going up to my mid-thigh. It wasn’t like it was going to hurt to put it on, though.  
  
“So, Ash…” Harper suddenly started with a small sing-song voice, “are you going to be losing your virginity to Alex on prom night?”  
  
I blushed, embarrassed they would ask something like that, being in a public place only making it worse. Nonetheless, I decided to answer with a sigh. “Guys, I’m not a virgin anymore.”  
  
“No! Forget the whole Luke-incident! We don’t count that. He did something that he wasn’t supposed to, I do not consider him being the one that took your virginity,” she replied stubbornly, just wanting to know if I would be ‘getting it on’ with Alex.  
  
I opened the curtain and rolled my eyes, I couldn’t believe I was telling them this. “I wasn’t talking about Luke.”  
  
Harper gasped as if I had stabbed her in the back, while Lianne just sat there staring at me with wide eyes. “How dare you not tell me! When did this happen? How did it happen? What happened? But most of all, was it good?”  
  
“I’m not going to tell you all that!” I choked. There was a reason why I hadn’t told anybody. “It happened back when we were in Germany, so I didn’t naturally go straight up to you and tell you. I guess it never dawned on me that you might have wanted to know. But yeah, it happened, and he was very sweet about it.”  
  
“But how was it?” She continued to urge. “Alex is pretty good, isn’t he?”  
  
My entire mood changed, the corners of my mouth pulling down just a little. “Please don’t remind me that you guys used to sleep together.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” She gave me a genuine sympathetic look, immediately dropping the entire topic.  
  
I played with the material of the dress, actually surprised with how little the slit showed. I wouldn’t have expected some thigh high to barely show anything.  
  
“I just want to point out that that dress looks really good on you,” Lianne pointed out, changing the subject, “I think you should get it!”  
  
I turned around to look at the mirror, having forgotten that I had put on a new dress that I hadn’t seen yet. To my astonishment, I actually really _really_ liked the way it looked on me. It was something I would never have chosen myself. It accentuated my figure, going tighter around my middle, showing off my waistline. The mesh created a cool effect, still showing my skintone through the fabric. And the slit, it was sexy, yet so innocent at the same time. I ran my fingers down over the dress, a smile reappearing on my face.  
  
“I like it too.” I grinned, turning back towards my friends to let them see it. This was my prom dress.  
  
When Lianne went in to try her’s on, she only had to put on one and she was already content. From the many dresses Harper had picked out for her, the first one just happened to be great. I wished that had happened to me. Her dress was the light teal color she wanted, silver decals decorating the area around her bust. It really looked amazing on her. The only problem was that she now couldn’t have her candyfloss hair anymore, but she didn’t mind going back to the orangey-brown color she normally had.  
  
Then there was still Harper to go. Just like I had suspected, she tried on every dress, putting them in three piles. There was a ‘no’ pile, a ‘maybe’ pile, and a ‘yes’ pile. She resisted putting any dresses in the yes pile when trying them on the first try. However, during the second try she sorted them back to ‘no’ and ‘yes’, and then all the dresses in the ‘yes’ pile had to be tried on again and again until she made a decision. Eventually she chose the one she liked the most at the very beginning. It was deep purple, glitters around her waist slowly spreading out of the rest of the dress as a gradient. Or in other words, the perfect dress for Harper.  
  
Somehow we had managed to each find a dress in one day at one store. It was Harper who had pushed us to try different things, making me go a bit too far out of my comfort zone sometimes. But I couldn’t wait to show Alex my dress on prom night.


	65. A Little Preparation is Totally Worth it

**Ash’s POV  
** “Please stop pulling!” I groaned as my hair was tugged at harshly again. This wasn’t what I had planned nor expected.  
  
“Just let me do this, I’m almost done,” Harper urged, yanking another piece of hair into place.  
I didn’t understand why this had to involve so much pain and agony. Sure, I cared about my appearance, but did I care enough for my hair to be basically pulled out? I can answer that for you, because no, no I did not. But Harper insisted. You know, this was just supposed to be us, three girls, getting ready together for prom. However, Harper was going insane again. All I wanted was a half up half down hairdo. Somehow she had managed to spend half an hour on it already, and hair that wasn’t supposed to be tugged was being tugged.  
  
She finally added one last bobby pin, taking a step away to inspect her masterpiece. When it quickly turned to admiration, I finally dared to breathe again. It seemed like she was done and I was definitely relieved. This whole thing was worse than trying to get out that one horrible knot in your hair after sleeping for way too long. I didn’t even know she had that much strength in her!  
  
“All done!” She smiled, clapping her hands as she pulled me up out of the chair and towards my mirror.  
  
It actually seemed like all the pain had paid off. Not only was my hair loosely curled, but she had somehow made braids around the back of the crown of my head. There were two, each starting on one side and pinned up to the other side. They didn’t just hang there, though, they were also braided into the rest of my hair to keep them in place, hence all the pulling. It looked amazing, especially since I had dyed my hair ombre while Lianne went back to her natural colour. At least I thought it looked pretty great, now I just had to see what Alex thought.  
  
“Where are the guys meeting us again?” Lianne piped up, sitting on my bed already being completely done. She had been smart by not letting Harper do her hair, and by doing her own minimal makeup. All she still had to do was put on the dress, like the rest of us, but she had been done for quite some time already.  
  
I glanced at my hair once more before turning to her. “I believe they’re coming over here in half an hour or so--”  
  
 _“Half an hour!”_ Harper shrieked, panic settling in, “How the hell do you expect me to be ready in half an hour!”  
  
“Relax,” I sighed and opened my closet where I had been hiding my dress--Lianne’s was also in there, but Harper insisted on keeping her own, “All we have to do is get dressed and we’re done. We already did our makeup, you did our hair. It’s all good. If not, I can go ask Alex to make the guys come over later.”  
  
“No, no, you’re right,” she shook her head and walked over to the dress carrier she had brought and was hanging up over the door that was open ajar, “we’ll probably even have some extra time left. I’m just nervous.”  
  
“I can tell,” I chuckled, feeling the nervous excitement settle in as well, “let’s put our dresses on and everything will be fine.”  
  
“I don’t know about you guys,” Lianne jumped up, the robe I had given her nearly opening, “but I’m going to go to the bathroom one last time before I’m putting on that contraption that will prevent me from relieving my bladder in the next couple of hours.”  
  
She proceeded to run out of the room and towards the bathroom Alex and I shared. I thought about it and decided she did have a point, no matter how weirdly she put it. There was no way I was going to be able to pull up that dress and now manage to fuck it up somehow. I decided to wait as well, making sure I could go after Lianne. I actually wanted to keep my white dress white.  
  
“Guys,” Lianne came back looking pale, “I just started my period.”  
  
“Oh no,” I frowned, glad that I didn’t have that problem, I was very relieved that it had happened the week before and had ended two days ago, “Are you ok?”  
  
“Do you, um, have something I could use?”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” I said, trying to make this less shitty than it actually was, “I should still have some tampons in the bathroom, I’ll show you where they are.”  
  
However, Lianne just completely froze up instead. I looked at her, asking what was wrong. Even Harper seemed concerned. But what she told us wasn’t bad at all. “I’ve never used a tampon before…”  
  
“Oh…” I nodded, understanding where she was coming from, “I, unfortunately, don’t have any pads since I haven’t bought anything since last week, but I’ll show you how to use a tampon. Come on.”  
  
I pulled her with me back to the bathroom. It was better not to let Harper do this. She’d probably be too impatient and the last thing Lianne needed was somebody freaking out on her.  
  
\----  
  
We were all waiting in the living room for the guys to arrive from Jack’s house. Isobel wouldn’t stop gushing about how beautiful she thought we all were. Peter had taken a couple of pictures of us, making us do several poses. There was one of us just alone, and then many with the three of us. At the end of the day, there would be more than enough photos for us to remember our prom forever.  
  
Quentin was the first to arrive, having gotten ready by himself at his house. It wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed to get ready with the other’s, he just didn’t know them very well. I also would have felt awkward if I had to hang out with four guys that were the bestest of friends, especially the All Time Low guys. Well, I technically had done it as well, but that was different. It wasn’t like I had been to the same school for years and never spoken to them.  
  
Next came Rian’s and Zack’s dates. They were told to meet everybody here. It would have been very messy if we all had to go off to different places to meet up with our dates. I didn’t personally know the girls, but I had seen them walking around school before. Zack’s date was somebody who I knew often played sports and was in the girls' soccer team, while Rian’s was a calmer and reserved girl, but was still out to have fun. Basically perfect combinations.  
  
Now it was just us waiting for the guys to show up. Of course, they were late, Alex was with them, there was no other way it could have happened. Alex had the weirdest habit of showing up late, even if he was ready to go an hour before he actually had to leave. It was pretty awkward sitting in a living room with two people you don’t know and one of your best friends acting all cute with her boyfriend. If at least there had been someone to introduce me properly to these girls, then things would already have been better.  
  
Isobel immediately rushed to the door when the doorbell finally rang. It was about time that they showed up. The noise level suddenly turned up a couple of notches, the guys making sure that everybody knew they were finally here. I got up from my spot on the couch just wanting to know if I had made the right choice of dress if this was what Alex had meant. However, just as I was about to walk up to him, Jack caught my eye. I couldn’t stop staring. Holy shit.  
  
 _What the fuck was he wearing!  
  
_ When Lianne said that Jack was probably planning something funny, I hadn’t expected him to do something so embarrassing! He was basically ruining his prom night with that white suit and teal cumberbun. This was definitely a night he wasn’t going to forget, and I wasn’t sure if it was going to be for good reasons. I just hoped that Lianne wasn’t going to be too weirded out to show up with him anymore. But when I heard her laughter echo throughout the room, I knew she would be more than happy to be walking through the entrance doors with him.  
  
When I realised everything was going ok over there, I heard a weird noise coming from someone's throat next to me. I turned to look and saw that Alex's jaw had dropped, staring at me with awe and fascination. He was flabbergasted, not sure what to say to me anymore. I smiled shyly, a blush creeping up on my face. He didn’t even have to say anything for me to feel flustered. I took the last couple of steps for the distance between us to close, all while he continued to stare me up and down. This was definitely a sign that I had made the right decision.  
  
He continued to be lost for words and instead shakily reached for the corsage he had brought along. The roses were a beautiful light pink, a silver ribbon decorating it and allowing it to wrap around my wrist. He helped me put it on and let me take the boutonniere that was also placed in the box, made out of the same flowers. I pinned it on him so that we were now both matching, I was so focused that I didn’t even realise that pictures were being taken of us.  
  
“Holy shit,” Alex gasped, it being the only thing that he could say. He shook his head in disbelief as he made me spin around so that he could see me fully.  
  
“Did I do well?” I asked even though I knew I didn’t even have to ask him anymore. I already knew how he felt about how I looked. Right now, he thought I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.  
  
“Holy shit,” he repeated, easily taking my chin between two fingers and kissing me for the first time that evening, “and you’re the same height as me.”  
  
“The wonder of heels,” I giggled, showing off one of my shoes, which made my leg more visible through the slit in my dress. It was as if Alex hadn’t noticed that yet, because his jaw dropped once again, paying more attention to my leg than the shoes I was showing off.  
  
He kept his eyes fixated, dazzlingly nodding, “yeah… the wonder…”  
  
“Guys, it’s time for pictures!” Isobel announced, making Alex snap out of his daydream.  
The entire group had already moved further into the living room, ready to be told to pose. It was like they didn’t even realise Alex and I were left behind. He grabbed my hand and pulled me along to join the others, Isobel telling everybody she wanted a picture of all the boys together, all the girls together, and then all the couples. Of course, she was going to make sure that Alex and I had a couple more, just because he was her son and she would never be satisfied with a number of pictures and how they turned out.  
  
It was quite chaotic at the beginning, but as soon as everybody started listening, it was done in no time. Everybody got to chose two poses to do, except for Alex and I, since we were directed to do what Isobel wanted. The guys got their pictures, and us girls all stood together for a couple as well. Slowly but surely, we migrated outside. Eventually, a tour bus pulled up into the street. Apparently, the guys had asked the record label if they could use a tour bus to show up to prom, and somehow they actually managed to make it happen.  
  
I stared at the large black vehicle, everything suddenly dawning on me. This was when I started to realise how serious everything was getting. In a matter of weeks, I’d be off to New York and Alex would be off to LA. We’d officially be on opposite ends of the country, hours away from each other--and that was only if we took a plane. He’d be there living the rockstar life, while I was working on classical compositions and not being as much of a party animal as he was. There would be no doubt that he would be able to find a much better girl, somebody who would be able to keep up with their hectic lifestyle. I didn’t want to wake up one morning and have Alex text me or call me that he wanted to break up. But the possibility of it happening seemed so likely.  
  
“Hey, you ok?” Alex showed up beside me, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my temple.  
  
I nodded, trying to put on the best smile I could. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? I get to spend this entire night with you.”  
  
“You just seemed a little bit out of it.” He shrugged, looking at me as if he didn’t believe me but didn’t want to push it.  
  
“No, I’m excited, I just don’t do very well in large hyper groups,” I made up as an excuse. I didn’t want to make him worry, or break up with me already so that there was nothing to be afraid of later.  
  
“Oh, ok,” he actually seemed to buy it, now completely hugging me from behind. A kiss was placed on my neck before he whispered, “if it makes you feel any better, my parents said they’re going to be out until tomorrow afternoon, so we have the entire house to ourselves when we get back.”  
  
“Already thinking of that?” I laughed, leaning into his embrace.  
  
“I always do, especially when you look this sexy.”  
  
“Keep that for later,” I rolled my eyes, knowing that if I didn’t stop him that he’d keep doing this over the course of the evening, “now, let’s get on this bus or we’ll be making everybody late.”  
  
Throughout the entire night, he always made sure to keep one hand somewhere on my body, whether we’d be dancing, sitting somewhere, or standing and talking with our friends. There was always this ghostly touch somewhere on my arm or waist, showing anybody who looked my way that I was Alex’s. And if they didn’t look away quick enough, he made sure to scowl at them. I did, however, get to dance with Jack one time. He trusted Jack enough to make sure no other guys would make a move.  
  
 _Maybe_ there wasn’t anything to worry about.


	66. Pranking Our Lives Away

**Alex’s POV  
** This was the only day I was still excited about, even graduation didn’t bother me much. Throughout high school, I had always been able to see what happened on this day, but this was the year I got to experience it. All the other grades were prepared for anything that could possibly come their way, and the teachers seemed to be extra alert. There had been whispers in the hallways for weeks now, a secret plot conspiring. If you hadn’t guessed it already, it was the day us seniors were going to execute our master prank.  
  
There had been some pretty good ideas, from endless tape mazes between the lockers to posting weird images all over the school, or even taking our sleeping bags and falling asleep in the hallways. But no, we had to decide for something a lot less ‘harmful for the school environment’. It wasn’t like they could suspend us or anything because that was basically useless, but there had been some troubles before. So, we decided to play it safe and went for an easy approach. The guys were going to wear girl clothing while the girls wore guy clothing. With the whole senior class doing it, nobody would be able to judge us. Some students also believed that this was the time to stand up against gender norms, but I decided to make sure I didn’t join anything that could turn violent. I liked the idea, but all I had to do was support it, not actually fight for it. Believe it or not, I actually still wanted the graduate and not have my diploma taken away from me.  
  
Anyways, back to the prank. Some people had gone out specifically to buy clothes for the day, you know so they could over exaggerate it all. I already knew there were going to be a couple of guys going full out in blonde wigs, pink sparkly dresses, and high heels. As much as I would have loved to do that as well, I took an easier approach. Slacking wasn’t necessarily always a bad thing, right? You see, I had a girlfriend who happened to have a couple of clothing articles that she didn’t mind stretching out or some that were already a couple of sizes too large because they had been gifts. Where else would I get my outfit from? The fact that she was so petite would only make the whole thing funnier; the clothes would just barely fit me, not suiting my body shape at all.  
  
“I get first choice since you’re my girlfriend!” I exclaimed as soon as we entered her room. Jack was here as well, Ash having offered to give him some clothes as well. He had been pretty excited about this whole getting to wear girl’s clothes thing, but I still wanted to show that I was the first one who got the offer, not him.  
  
“But you’ll take all the good stuff!” Jack whined, trudging behind me, trying to see the selection Ash had laid down on her bed for us to choose from.  
  
 _“Excuse me!”_ Ash sassily snapped, “I’ll have you know that all my clothes are pretty awesome!”  
  
“Yeah, but he’ll look more stylish than me, and I can’t allow that!” He argued, trying to push me away so that he could stand at the end of the bed instead.  
  
I looked at him as if he were talking in gibberish. “I always look more stylish that you. What do you expect?”  
  
He was about to retort something, continuing this pointless argument for ever and ever, but Ash was smart and decided to interrupt before things escalated too fast and far. “Ok, well, I’m going to let Alex choose first because I already promised him as soon as we planned this prank, while I only let you choose as well because you suddenly realised you weren’t prepared. Plus, I get to wear Alex’s clothes, so it’s a fair deal.”  
  
“You can wear my clothes as well!” Jack argued even though there was no point to do so anymore, I was already ready to pick out what I was going to wear.  
  
“The only clothes I could possibly wear that are yours are the ones you are wearing right now,” she pointed out, shaking her head, “no offence, but I’d rather not.”  
  
Jack pouted and let out an annoyed groan, but both Ash and I ignored it. I still got to choose first and straight away went for a dress. I mean, which guy doesn’t want to wear a dress for a day? I definitely did, and the fact that it was full of yellow and pink flowers just made it better. Of course it looked very weird on me, I didn’t have the waistline girls had, my shoulders were very broad, and the boob-factor also didn’t help much. Did I care, though? No, I loved it. And Jack seemed pretty happy with his outfit. It consisted of a black skirt and something that was supposed to be a t-shirt, but acted like a crop top on him. For some reason the clothing looked a lot better on him, but it was probably because he was a lot lankier and fit in it better. Ash ended up wearing one of my band t-shirts that basically acted like a dress on her and a pair of shorts because normal jeans would just be way too long for her. Jack and I had gotten a complete make over, makeup all over our faces, while Ash went with a bare face. The only thing we did do was wear unisex shoes just because we didn’t exactly have the same shoe size. Like, really, she’d drown in my shoes while I’d basically have to cut my toes off to maybe make my feet fit in.  
  
Luckily, we didn’t have to go through public looking like this, not that I would have minded too much. My neighbor did give us a weird look as he went to get his mail from his mailbox at the same time we were walking out to my car. He didn’t seem too fazed, however, it wasn’t like normal things often happened here anyways.  
  
When we got to school, we met up with other people who went to our classes. The other grades couldn’t help but snicker as they saw us, pointing at a couple of us who looked specifically out of place. Some people really went all out, like, more than I had expected. One thing was sure though, my attempt wasn’t the worst one out here. Some guys literally just put a bow on their head and did nothing else. Of course it sucked that not everybody was as excited as us, but I wasn’t going to blame them.  
  
“I actually really enjoy wearing a dress,” I said out of nowhere, swirling my hips around a little, “there’s a constant breeze that I can really get used to living with.”  
  
“I know!” Jack agreed, twirling around in circles to make his skirt fly up like a princess dress. “My dick’s actually _not_ overheating for once!”  
  
“Just please remind me to wash those clothes at least five times before I ever think about wearing them again,” Ash groaned, obviously not liking our ‘male-body-parts’ talk going on.  
  
We all entered our first class, sitting down quietly and neatly before our teacher walked in. However, as soon as she did, she gave us the most suspicious look. Normally, we’d be sitting on the desks, chatting with each other, wasting another 10 minutes even though school should have already started. She was prepared for anything to happen, from her chair breaking to us suddenly singing loudly. But we didn’t do anything. We just stayed quiet.  
  
“Is this really all you guys got?” She asked us, wondering where the loud noises and chaotic behaviour was.  
  
Still, nobody moved. She shrugged and walked over to her cupboard. As soon as she opened it, a box full of confetti and glitter spilled out, going all over her and covering the floor. Yeah, that’s another thing we did. I might have lied about us doing a mellow prank. We made sure to put a box full of the horrible colorful mess on any door we, ourselves, didn’t have to go through or on any open cabinet we found. Anything that would be opened would make sure the place was full of glitter, the ones that wouldn’t be opened would just leave a terrible surprise later on in the year.  
  
We all burst out laughing while the teacher couldn’t even be mad. Some of the guys high-fived each other, proud of their sneaky work. The entire building and everybody in it was going to have glitter all over for the next couple of weeks. Even I managed to find glitter in my bed after having washed my sheets a couple of times.  
  
But, boy, the last day of school really was a sparkling surprise.


	67. We've All Had Our Good Year and Bad Years

**Ash’s POV  
** “And now our valedictorian, Ash Collins, is here to give her speech,” the principal announced and stepped aside to introduce me. Everybody started clapping while I just awkwardly and quickly made my way up to the lectern.  
  
As soon as I was told that I was going to do this, dread filled me. Most kids who had high grades often hoped to be the one up here to give a boring speech about their time at high school, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about how many people there would be. This wasn’t just me talking to all the students, but also their parents and siblings. The group was so much larger as I stood up there, staring at the seats placed on the field in front of me and the bleachers covered by people as well. There wasn’t an empty spot to be seen except for the one I was supposed to be seated in.  
  
I looked around the crowd, quickly finding my dad and Alex’s parents. They were cheering loudly, making other parents look at them like they had gone crazy. Those people were hypocrites though, because I had heard much more fanatic screams when our diplomas were being given out. My brothers had stayed back in Germany while my grandparents flew over to look after them, which probably was only a good thing. They probably didn’t have to hear everything I was going to say in this speech.  
  
I continued to scan the crowd, finding some faces I recognized until my eyes landed on Alex. He was sat in between some other kids, giving me the biggest grin ever. As I took a deep breath, he gave me a thumbs up and mouthed ‘I love you’, trying to give me the extra boost of confidence needed to stand up here and speak in front of all of these people.  
  
You see, I could have decided to give the usual boring speech and talk about how everybody would always be united and other bullcrap like that. It would have certainly been a lot easier for me to do. But I felt like I couldn’t just do that. This year had been so crazy for me, a boring speech wouldn’t just do it justice.  
  
I put my notes on the slanted part of the stand and prayed that I wouldn’t mess up. After practicing in front of the mirror for weeks, it would nearly seem impossible. But nerves just made you forget things and mess up your words. I didn’t want to stand up here, stuttering and trying to get the words out. I had chosen all these words specifically, I wouldn’t forgive myself if I forgot them.  
  
When the clapping stopped, I knew it was time for me to start.  
  
“Everybody has been telling me to imagine everybody in their underwear, but this is actually making me feel a lot more uncomfortable, so I’m just going to forget about that. I guess that’s my first tip for you guys; the whole imagining people in their underwear doesn’t work unless you’re into that stuff. Yes, I’m looking at you, Jack.  
  
“So, I guess I’ll get started by saying that there are so many other people that could be standing up here giving this speech right now. There’s people who are more academic than me, who would be able to say much smarter things than I could; there’s the creative people who could be up here giving you a new view on the world; and then there’s the people who will go out to inspire millions of strangers in their life. Everybody here has their own story, each having their own value. Unfortunately, you’re stuck with me.  
  
“I’m 17 years old and my story here starts this school year. I happened to be the one that wrote the best letter that allowed me to come here. To be honest, I don’t know how I did it, but I just decided to go for it and it worked out. The plan totally wasn’t for me to stay here and finish the year, but look where I am now. I’m up here, speaking in front of hundreds of people, telling them my story. If you would have told me two years ago, maybe even a year ago, probably even six months ago, I would have laughed until I realised you were serious. Then you’d probably find me hiding away, never wanting to do anything like this. But hey, guess what. I’m up here now, doing something that used to be my worst nightmare. Something managed to make me change of that time, allowing me to face my fears.  
  
“You might think ‘oh, facing your fears, what a cliche thing to say’, or you might be one of those few people thinking ‘wow, how inspiring’. If you’re on of the latter, I congratulate you, you’re probably one of the few people thinking that. But seriously, though. It’s true. If it weren’t for me actually daring to do anything, I wouldn’t be here right now. You’d probably find me in Germany, considering on not going to New York anymore to go to college. I’d probably never have left that place if it weren’t for me coming here.  
  
“Yeah, at first it was difficult being here. My family was in a different time zone, hours away from me. I was stuck sharing a bathroom with this guy who I absolutely hated and he absolutely hated me. So, that was a great first impression, especially since his best friend was the biggest douchebag I had ever met. What was I supposed to expect? Well, turns out that guy is now my boyfriend and his best friend is also one of mine. Now, that’s a real plot twist. I’m not promoting the whole ‘if he teases you, he likes you’ thing, but it does show that there is so much more to a person than just first impressions.  
  
“Slowly but surely, I was getting more used to what it would be like here. Apparently there were social rules, which I may or may not have broken. But in the end it doesn’t matter. You like who you like, you can’t really control that. If somebody tells you you shouldn’t do something, but you really want to, don’t let them stop you. I don’t mean go rob the nearest store because you feel reckless or crash your car just for the lols. But if somebody is keeping you from a great opportunity, don’t let them hold you back. It’s better to let go than to be stuck in a place you’ll always be unhappy in.  
  
“However, this isn’t just simple a fairytale. Everybody here has had their ups and downs. We don’t just go through life with everything going the way we want it, that would just be way too easy. These downs can be small, like failing a test that doesn’t even matter anymore now, or it can be as big as somebody close dying. I had my own low. Many people here probably already know about it, the news spread across school like wildfire, but for you who don’t, sometime last year I was raped. It’s something nobody wants to go through. It makes you feel used, degraded, and worthless. I was lucky enough to have the friends that were willing to help me out, to tell me that all those thoughts were wrong. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be up here telling you about this. They helped me realise that it isn’t something somebody should get away with and it isn’t something to be ashamed about.  
  
“I had a friend tell me something important once: ‘Everybody goes through some bullshit. It doesn’t matter how you measure it, it doesn’t matter how it weighs out to someone else’s bullshit. The fact of the matter is that you have to press on and you have to smile, and you have to figure out how to keep trying.’ Don’t believe you’re somebody less just because there’s somebody supposedly having it harder, your problems are still something you have to face. Don’t let somebody tell you that your problem doesn’t matter just because somebody else might need the help more than you do. Before you’re able to take your time to help somebody else, you need to fix your own problems. You have to keep pushing.  
  
“I’m not going to say anything about us supposedly being united forever, because frankly, many of you aren’t going to remember me and I won’t remember you. I do know I’ll always remember my year here at Dulaney High; the good, the bad, and anything else I consider significant. I’ve made some friends I’ll always have. We are all going out to do different things in our life, some including other people here, and others not. Just one thing, just make sure you will never forget the time we spent here together.  
  
“Thank you.”


	68. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set ten years into the future

**Ash’s POV  
  
** I walked through the venue, trying to find my way around and hoping to see any signs that would show me where the dressing room was. I had literally just arrived half an hour before after an annoying flight that was four hours long. There were some kids screaming a couple seats in front of me, and their parents couldn’t give a shit. I would never have let my kids do that if I had any...  
  
Anyways, this was the first time I got to see my boyfriend again in ages. He was touring around nearly every day of the year, making our time together scarce. Actually, the last time we saw each other was when I had just moved in with him. It had been a really long time coming, and after once having to cancel it, I actually got all my stuff shipped over to his apartment and settled in quickly. Whenever we had time to spend together, it would often be at his place, so I basically already lived there whenever he wasn’t touring. Now it was just permanent and all year round; bachelor pad turned to a girl living there with him as well. A pretty exciting new step in our relationship if you ask me.  
  
Just as I was about to give up and take my phone out to call anybody to come out and find me, I finally found the door with the large green sign saying ‘ALL TIME LOW’ and knocked on it. When there was no reply, I decided to just walk in, the conversation they were having dying out. All the band members happened to be in the room at the same time, some crew members being there as well. But of course, I was actually only here for one person.  
  
 _“Jack!”_ I squealed excitedly and jumped into his embrace. He caught me and softly kissed my lips, holding me tightly. I circled my arms around his neck, pulling him to me as close as possible. With the amount I had missed him, I wouldn’t dare let myself go of him just yet.  
  
“Hey,” he whispered against my lips, giving me a loving smile. I was placed back on the sturdy floor as he stroked away a stray piece of hair that was hanging in front of my face.  
  
I hugged him closely one more time, not being able to contain my excitement from finally being able to see him again. Since we rarely got to see each other for extended periods of time, it was really important to cherish these small moments when we did get to enjoy each other’s company.  
  
Next, I gave Rian and Zack a big hug each as well. I barely saw them unless they came over to LA or I visited Jack on tour and had to live with them on a tour bus for a week or so. Somehow, I managed to miss those goofballs. They had been promoted to my best guy friends after Jack and I started dating. And then there was still Alex…  
  
He was getting up from the couch he had been sitting on just seconds before, Lisa joining him as well. It had been a while since our breakup, but things never seemed to go back to 100% comfortable with each other. Sometimes we’d try to be friends, until something got in the way, making our friendship rocky again.  
  
“Hey,” I awkwardly waved and gave Alex a clumsy hug as well.  
  
Although things were pretty awkward between us at this point, I couldn’t just skip him. I had learned my manners at a very young age and wasn’t the person to hold a grudge on somebody for such a lot time, let alone cut them out from my life. It might sound weird, but I actually really liked Lisa. Everybody thought that us meeting each other would have turned into a catfight, both of us hating each other’s guts. You know, girlfriends and ex-girlfriends meeting each other didn’t always work out. However, Lisa and I managed to hit it off really well as soon as we met. We were pretty close friends, occasionally meeting up when the guys were on tour and I still lived in New York.  
  
I gave her a long warm hug. Over time she had grown to be one of the best girlfriends I had.  
  
“Ash, you still haven’t answered our RSVP for the wedding,” Lisa frowned after we let go. She had been so busy with planning her wedding, wanting everything going smoothly and perfectly. I’d often help her when she’d call me, panicking about a minor detail. Of course, I sometimes wondered what it would have been like if I had had married Alex. But it didn’t matter. I had Jack, and I definitely didn’t think of him as second best.  
  
“I never got my invitation… Did you send it to the right address; Jack’s address?” I asked her, the thought of Alex possibly not sending the invitation only occupying my mind for a second.  
  
I had made the decision a couple of months before that I was going to move in with Jack. We had waited a while after our failed attempt, but eventually he asked me again. So, only a month or so after he had asked me, I packed all my boxes and let them make the long journey all the way from New York to LA.  
  
“Ah… I don’t think so. We sent them out before you moved in with him…”  
  
“That’s it then,” I smiled and looked at Jack briefly, “I saw his invitation, though, and I’m guessing you’re only having one wedding.”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“I’ll be coming then,” I told her happily. I wasn’t going to miss their wedding, even though Alex and I had some history. I just didn’t believe that that was a good reason not to show up to one of my best friends' wedding.  
  
After a while, Jack started getting impatient and tugged on my hand. “Let’s go take a walk, I want to catch up with you.”  
  
“Ok.” I followed him but froze before we reached the door. “Oh, wait. Alex, I got you something.”  
  
“What?” Alex gave me a confused look, making me hold in a giggle. It was known that we could have civil conversations, but that didn’t mean we’d actually start one or have a good one. At least it wasn’t like the annoying ones we had when I had just moved to Baltimore back in high school.  
  
“Umm, yeah,” I got a shoebox-sized box out of my bag and handed it to him. I had made sure to take it with me to LA just so I could give it to him the next time I saw him. “I found this when I was clearing out my apartment. I don’t have much space for it now, so I thought maybe you would like to have it.”  
  
Alex opened the box and saw the contents. He looked taken aback for a moment. “Umm, sure, yeah… thanks.”  
  
“No problem, I just thought it would a shame to throw away.”  
  
This time I actually followed Jack out and we started walking through the confusing and tangled corridors.  
  
He intertwined his fingers with mine and kissed the top of my head. “I’m proud of you.”  
  
\----  
  
 _After The Show  
_  
Jack and I were cuddled up together naked in the bed of the hotel room we got to share. He had one of his arms wrapped around my shoulders while I was half lying on his chest. We had just finished catching our breath and had just been lying there in silence. Of course, it was up to us to test out how ‘steady the bed was’ as soon as we entered the room. But, like, can you really blame us? We hadn’t seen each other in weeks!  
  
“You know,” Jack spoke up out of nowhere, the silence no longer present, “I would totally understand if you want to get back with him.”  
  
“With whom?” I acted oblivious, not wanting to have this conversation again. We always had it, and it would always end the same way.  
  
“Alex.”  
  
“Why would I want that? It ended a couple of years ago.”  
  
“I don’t know… The way you guys look at each other… it’s just-- I don’t know.”  
  
I sighed and kissed his bare chest to comfort him. Jack always felt insecure after having seen me around Alex again, any other time he wouldn’t question or doubt the validity of our relationship even a bit.  
  
I looked up at him, running my hand through his hair. “I promise you were never a rebound. I would never kiss my ex-fiance's best friend as a rebound. I really do love you. Promise me you know that that is the truth, ok?”  
  
He moved his hand up and down my bare arm, avoiding my question. Of course, he wasn’t as sure as I hoped him to be. “But you still love him as well, don’t you?”  
  
“Of course I do,” I sat up and looked down at him with truthful eyes. I wasn’t going to lie to him, that would only cause problems that I really didn’t want to have in this relationship. “he was my first love. But that doesn’t mean I still love him in the way I used to. I appreciate him, but in a different way than all those years ago. I promise you, you’re the one I love. Sure, Alex was my first love, a special kind you only get once. But you are the man I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. The love you only find once. I am lucky to have been able to find it in the most amazing man I know. ”  
  
“Ok,” Jack smiled as I leaned down to kiss him, “I love you too; so, so much.”  
  
I sighed at him. It always took some convincing, but in the end, he always knew he was the one I'd choose no matter what. Alex was out of the picture, the love I felt for Jack was so strong. But that didn’t mean I didn’t need some time to myself to think it all over again, “I’m going to go outside for a bit. This place smells too much like sex. I need some fresh air.”  
  
“Just don’t be too long, or I will start getting worried. I don’t want anything happening to you.” He cupped my cheek and ran his thumb along my cheekbone.  
  
“I promise,” I took his hand from my face and pinky promised him.  
  
\----  
  
 _ **Flashback**_  
 _I started thinking of when Alex and I broke up.  
_  
I hadn’t seen him in so long. He was always touring, playing shows in a new city every day, while I was stuck at home, only occasionally flying out to do a photoshoot (in case you were wondering, after I graduated, I became a model. It might seem really far fetched, but I did it with a cause. I strived to help other young girls that were raped, to show them that it was possible to be confident and happy again). We rarely had any time together. Either he was gone, or I had another long working day because there was another magazine that wanted me to model some clothes for them. I really did cherish the moments that we actually did spend together, but I hadn’t been able to visit him on tour for so long just because I was still at school or required to be somewhere. However, I managed to get some time off and decided to surprise him. He knew nothing about my plan, not even suspecting that I would fly out where they were just to see him again. Only being able to see each other through a computer screen for so long was no good for either of us.  
  
I knocked on the door of Jack’s and Matt’s hotel room. Matt, the tour manager at the time, had a spare key to the room Alex was staying in. They knew I was coming, and were ready to help me surprise the person I believed to be the one back then. Jack opened the door and told me Matt had gone out, but that he had left the key here for me. As soon as he saw how excited I was, Jack rolled his eyes and made a silly comment. However, I assured him there was a reason behind it, that I had some good news I knew Alex wanted to hear. He escorted me to Alex’s room and wished me luck.  
  
So, Jack left and I entered the keycard into the door. When I finally managed to get the door to show the green light, I opened it. I was so excited, yet nervous. What if Alex didn’t like what I was going to tell him? Maybe he’d hate me for it. But I knew that wouldn’t be possible and shook my fears away. I pressed the door open; this was the moment I was going to see Alex again…  
  
But I was met with something I had never wanted to see. It was horrifying, immediately making my heart drop. I couldn’t believe it. Alex, the guy I was supposed to get married to in six months, was in bed fucking another girl. When I finally let out a painful gasp, they realized I was there. Alex stopped and made eye contact with me. He looked scared, surprised, but most of all guilty. I ran out before anybody could make another sound. The tears started falling and the loud sobs escaped. Making the whole situation worse, I ran into Jack, who was still making his way to his room.  
  
He stopped me by grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look at him. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I’m fucking going home and packing my shit,” I screamed and pulled out of his tight grip.  
  
Tears clouded my vision until I got home… or what I used to call home. Although I hadn’t seen them in years, I called Harper and Lianne and managed to stay with them for a couple of days until I could move into the apartment I had found online while I was waiting at the airport.  
  
\----  
  
 **Jack’s POV  
** _Back to Real Time  
  
_ I watched as Ash put on one of my t-shirt and some pajama shorts. Never had I ever expected to be with her. I was always envious of Alex’s and Ash’s relationship. They seemed so in love and cared about each other so much. I would never be able to find something like that; I had hurt too many girls and I didn’t know how to act towards them. The one girl I had developed feelings for didn’t even like me back. I was basically a hopeless case and felt like I was never going to find true love. It seemed like something foreign to me.  
  
But somehow I did. I now got to share a bed with the girl of my dreams. We never intended on becoming lovers, just like we had said in high school when we shared our first and second kiss. I stayed with her while she was going through a rough time. But one thing lead to another and it just happened. Sure, I had developed a little crush on her during that time, but I didn’t think it would lead to all this.  
  
\----  
  
 _ **Flashback**  
The day Ash and Alex broke up was still burned brightly into my mind.  
  
_I had just brought Ash to Alex's hotel room. She seemed so excited to see him. Apparently, they hadn’t seen each other in three months. Alex was acting weird, becoming a bit more distant from us as days passed. I thought it was just him getting slightly depressed, and I blamed it on the fact that they never saw each other. I knew that Ash visiting him was going to cheer him up. He just needed to see his one true love and have some sex. Being horny and not being able to do anything about it could get anybody frustrated.  
  
But when I was just two doors away from my room, somebody bumped into me. They were crying hysterically and were running, oblivious to the impact of the hit. I turned around, expecting to have to say sorry to some stranger, only to see it was Ash. At first, I was so confused and I asked her what was wrong, but she only told me she was going to go home and move out.  
  
Alex had to have something to do with this.  
  
I sprinted towards his room and slammed the door open. He was sitting on the bed in just his boxers and his head rested in his hands. There was a girl with him; a girl that wasn’t Ash.  
  
“What the _fuck_ , Alex!” I yelled. But he didn’t answer, he kept looking at the floor.  
  
“You fucking _cheated_ on your _fiancee_ , what the fuck!” I tried again. The girl with fake blonde hair and fake boobs was rubbing his back, trying to comfort him. I looked at her in disgust. “And you’re letting that fucking slut stay here with you! What the fuck is _wrong_ with you! How long have you been cheating on her!”  
  
Alex mumbled something; something I wished I heard wrong.  
  
“What was that!” I had to hold myself back from punching him.  
  
“Six months,” he muttered, “with different girls.”  
  
I ran my fingers through my hair, making it tasseled, “What the fuck, Alex! Don’t expect her to be there anymore when we get back. You fucking messed it all up this time. You’re _no friend_ of mine anymore!”  
  
And with that, I left him to do whatever he was still planning on doing with that ‘girl’. This was low, very low. Not only had he lost the best fiancee ever in the world, but he also lost one of his best friends.  
  
A couple of weeks later, we had a couple of days off. I had kept contact with Ash and decided to visit her; I wasn’t planning on doing anything with Alex anyway. Instead of laughing and joking around with him like I normally did, I made it quite obvious that I didn’t want him anywhere around me… although that was pretty difficult on a tour bus. While I was packing, the other’s looked at me weirdly. I hadn’t told them I was leaving. They didn’t even know the whole story, except for Alex. He had been quiet most of the time.  
  
But now he was the only one to ask where I was disappearing to, “Where are you going?”  
  
“I am going to visit one of my best friends, also known as your ex-fiancee, since she has been crying her eyes out since you cheated on her,” I angrily closed my suitcase and glared at him. Rian and Zack didn’t know Alex had cheated, they just knew they broke up. They looked so shocked and ready to beat up Alex, just like I had been when I actually witnessed it all happening.  
  
Alex just nodded and sat back down. I expected him to stop me and ask me whether I knew where she was staying now. He was supposed to fight for her! He couldn’t just sit there and act like it didn’t faze him at all! But he didn’t care anymore. He acted like it wasn’t a big deal and let me leave without saying another word.  
  
When I got to the apartment Ash was renting, I didn’t know what to expect. She looked heartbroken but insisted she was fine. Something about her looked like she had lost some of the life in her. She wasn’t as happy and perky as she used to be; her eyes weren’t sparkling anymore and everything about her looked solemn.  
  
She brought me to the living room after having placed my small suitcase in the guest room, and she went off to get something. I waited awkwardly on the couch she had bought and looked around the place. Surprisingly, the place already looked comfortable and not like someone had just moved in. Ash came back with a box and opened it before putting it on the coffee table in front of us.  
  
“One day I’ll be able to burn this box, just not yet,” she leaned into my side and I wrapped my arm around her.  
  
I briefly looked at the contents of the box. There were photos of her and Alex, her engagement ring, doodles, and other things that reminded her of their relationship, but there was one object that made no sense to me.  
  
“Hey, Ash, can I ask you something?” I sat up a bit straighter after seeing the thing that I wasn’t expecting.  
  
“Go ahead,” she nuzzled her head against my chest.  
  
“You told me you were going to tell Alex good news when you visited us; what was it?”  
  
She froze and stayed quiet, her face no longer showing any signs of good news, before taking a labored breath, “I-- I had a miscarriage.”  
  
I wrapped my arms tightly around her while she started crying. My suspicions were right. She had been pregnant with Alex’s child. That evening, when she went to go see Alex, she was going to tell him she was pregnant. But just like their relationship, it was no more. Ash was all alone, and I wasn’t going to allow that.  
  
After tour ended, I spent a lot of time with Ash. She was pretty lonely, and I decided that I wanted to cheer her up. Alex hadn’t contacted her, spoken about her, or even showed anything that made us know he was thinking of her. The specific day that I always love to remember was the day when Ash and I decided to make brownies together.  
  
We were making the batter; molten chocolate, cocoa powder, sugar, etc. Baking with her was great fun and the way she concentrated was so cute. I never intended on developing feelings for her, but spending so much time with her had made me realize how great she actually was. Of course, I knew she probably wasn’t ready for a new relationship, let alone with me. I was going to suppress my feelings and not let it get in the way of our friendship. First came comforting her, then I would be able to do something about my own messed up feelings. I couldn’t let the two get mixed up. For some reason, I always developed a crush on the inaccessible girls.  
  
We were about to add flour when she suddenly threw some at me. I thought this was totally unfair, so I, of course, threw some back at her. It resulted in us running around the apartment, getting flour everywhere, until we both slipped in the kitchen and she landed straddling me. We both were still desperately trying to calm down our laughter, but it was impossible until we made eye contact and both turned serious. She leaned down and started kissing me. I didn’t hesitate to let my lips mold with her's when I suddenly realized what we were doing.  
  
I carefully pushed her off me, “I don’t want to be your rebound.”  
  
She shook her head, her face inching closer again, “you’re not a rebound.”  
  
That night, I ended up in her bed, having made love to her instead of a using her as a casual fuck.  
  
\-----  
  
 **Alex’s POV  
** _Back To Real Time  
_  
I was sitting on the edge of the double bed Lisa and I were sharing for the night. The box Ash had given me was on my lap and I was admiring everything in it. I picked up our prom photo and grinned at it. We looked so happy back then. She was giggling and I was looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. It was one of the best nights of my life.  
  
Lisa climbed on the bed and wrapped her arms around me. “We can still call off the wedding…”  
  
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want that. I love you. There’s a reason why I proposed to you.”  
  
“You also proposed to her.” Lisa rubbed my shoulders as I picked up the engagement ring.  
  
“I should give this to Jack,” I played with the metal in between my fingers, “he’s the one that chose this ring, ironically.”  
  
I was 23 and on tour when I suddenly got the idea. After trying to write a song, I ran out of the back lounge to join everybody in the front and voiced my idea of proposing to Ash. I wanted to marry her and wasn’t going to let anything get in the way. The guys were so happy for me and the next day we all went out to find something that was perfect for her. Everything was either too diamondy or it wasn’t good enough for her. I was about to give up until Jack told me he had found the perfect ring. And boy, was it beautiful. I didn’t care about the price. All I knew was that it was the ring I was going to propose with.  
  
The next thing I got out of the box was a picture of us during our ‘spontaneous’ trip to Malaysia. It was where I proposed to Ash. I had had the ring for so long already, but I just couldn’t build up the courage to ask her. When we went on our 2-week vacation, I planned out a whole thing. I was going to do the classic ‘go to a fancy restaurant and propose’ thing. But when we hiked up to the top of a mountain, I decided it was the perfect time. We took the photo and just moments later I dropped down on one knee and asked her to marry me. I was the happiest man on Earth.  
  
“I started cheating on her six months after I proposed to her. How stupid is that!” I got mad at myself and I started forming tears.  
  
Lisa tried calming me down. “Shh, it’s ok. It’s in the past. She’s happy now.”  
  
I nodded. It was true. We were both in different relationships and were both very happy. I even heard Ash and Jack discuss marriage before. Something in me knew that Jack wasn’t going to take much longer until he'd finally ask her. He loved that girl like I once loved her. I just hoped he wouldn’t make the same mistake I did.  
  
I continued looking through the items. All of our pictures were in there, some weird notes we sent to each other in class and other scrap bits of paper. She had kept all of this for so many years. But I froze when I saw a pregnancy test. It wasn’t the one from when she was raped. But it was definitely positive.  
  
I took an uneven breath, tears finally falling from my eyes. “She-- she was pregnant?”  
  
Lisa let me cry on her shoulder and kissed the top of my head as my tears turned into sobs. I had never cried about Ash since she had caught me cheating. But this was too much. She was pregnant and I never knew.  
  
“I-- I think I’m going to go get some air,” I tried calming down my breath by taking a couple of last deep breaths and let go of Lisa, “I’ll be back in a bit.”  
  
“Ok,” she let me stand up, “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
I found Ash sitting on the bench on the balcony. It looked over the lake right next to the hotel. The bright stars were being reflected and the sky was clear. I quietly walked up to the bench and sat down on the opposite side. Ash noticed me and gave me a half-hearted smiled before looking back out.  
  
“I, umm, I was looking at the stuff you had put in the box,” I started, hoping she would talk to me.  
  
“Yeah?” she didn’t look back at me, “I started it in high school to keep all the doodles you made me. But when I saw you with that girl, I went back to your house and packed all my stuff. I found it in the back of our closet and put all the other stuff in it that reminded me of you. My original intention was to burn it, but that never happened.”  
  
“Oh…”  
  
“I reckoned you might have wanted it, so I gave it to you. It is not anything to make you feel guilty or want to come back to me. You made clear years ago that you didn’t care about me anymore. And then later, when you finally decided to show up, I didn’t want to deal with it.”  
  
“That’s not true,” I tried holding her hand, but she had already subconsciously moved it before I even got close, “I just knew there was no getting back together with you.”  
  
“Oh well, it’s the past,” she pulled her knees up to her chest, just like she used to do whenever we watched TV together.  
  
“Yeah… I, umm… I found the pregnancy test.”  
  
“Cool. I was going to tell you, but I found you in bed with that other girl. It was too difficult for me to tell you afterwards.”  
  
“So, umm, what happened to... you know…?” I wanted to know what happened to my child.  
  
“I was already 3 months pregnant, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Sure, I knew I was never going to get back with you, that was out of the question, but I really didn’t know how I was going to deal with it all by myself. Turned out I didn’t have to worry. Having to move, not eating properly, and so many other factors I caused just didn’t go well with being pregnant. One night I woke up with terrible pains and had a miscarriage.”  
  
“Oh…” I didn’t understand how I never knew anything about this. She must have really been shaken up by my wrong-doing. I wondered what it would have been like if I would have been a father now. Would they be in my life? Would Ash still be with me? Maybe I wouldn’t ever know that I had had a child with my ex-long-term girlfriend… or fiancee.  
  
“You know, it still hurts me, especially with all the things going on now with Jack and me.” She moved her hand further away from me and onto her stomach so I couldn’t try to discreetly touch it again, or at least I thought that was the reason. “ I don’t know how my life would have been if I had been able to keep that baby, though. I mean, I probably wouldn’t have been together with Jack, I would have felt way too guilty. Plus, we wouldn’t have been throwing flour at each other, meaning that we would have never kissed,” she chuckled when talking about Jack. She once talked about me like that, but Jack was now in her life. I couldn’t do anything but be happy for her.  
  
While she looked out at the beautiful view in front of us, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on her. She still looked as beautiful as she always did and I cursed myself for letting her go. I couldn’t deny the fact that she had once been the best thing that ever happened to me, but I had to go and screw it up. Now she was in a happy relationship with my best friend, and there was nothing I could do to change time.  
  
“What’s wrong with you and Jack?” I finally asked, having wondered this ever since Jack once ran out of the venue and had a complete mental breakdown.  
  
“I, umm, I’ve got to go. Jack will get worried and think something happened to me,” she put her legs down and sat up straight, ready to leave. It didn't seem like she was ever going to answer my question.  
  
“It’s always been Jack, hasn’t it?” I spoke up before she could move.  
  
“No,” she let out a light laugh that sounded quite painful, looking right at me, “for the longest time it was you. I couldn’t even think about the idea of ever being in a relationship with anybody else, especially Jack. If anything, Jack would be the last person I expected! Now, don’t you dare make me feel guilty because I never did anything wrong, ok?”  
  
I didn’t mean to say it, but I did, “I still love you.”  
  
She stood up and shook her head. _“You don’t love me, you just love the memories.”_


End file.
